T said I did good work but I feel so sad!

This is going to be hard. T and I talked about the inner child article today. I told her how it validated me and she listened. I said how the child part tried so hard to be in her family but now I know she can't be and she is sad.

T had a very soft, cozy blanket on the couch and I was cold, so she suggested I wrap myself in it. She wanted to know if I felt comforted and safe with it. I asked if she would hold my hand which I haven't asked for months, but she wanted me to try comforting myself. Or rather, have adult me comfort the sad baby. That has always been almost impossible for me to do. T suggested I imagine a calm version of my mother holding me. For a second, I sighed and felt better but it was fleeting.

T said I CAN be the Self who is there for the grieving child. She said I did good work. I didn't cry in the session. I still block out tears.

I cried later. I am missing 2 sessions because I'm going to my daughter's house.

For so many years I kept trying to replace one T with another instead of trying to heal. What I'm feeling is painful. I have compassion for that baby and/or child. She couldn't help her behavior, as it seemed like a life or death need. This is hard!

Sounds like you did some amazing work, rainbow.

I agree that you did great work. My T said I did good work today, too, and that my thoughts seemed really coherent. Though here I am, at 11:37 p.m., crying. I think doing good work often involves dredging up painful or scary things...and it's like you have to pass through them to come out on the other side and be healed. But knowing that doesn't make it any less painful...

Thanks, Artemis. I wish this weren't happening though. Part of me wishes she could get it all from T but that's impossible....
I'm falling asleep. More tomorrow.

I'm sorry you were crying last night too, LT. How do you feel today? I agree about good work often being painful or scary. I am grieving a huge loss but I have a little hope that I will find a way to be there for the child part. I mentioned using my DBT skills too and T thought that was a good idea. I need to review my manual.

I sent T two emails last night. In my session I told her how grateful I am that, even though she wanted me to stop emailing, she let me continue. We fought over it but it was something I needed, and still do. I can stop Googling her family, but emailing after sessions is important to me. She didn't write back yet but I know she will.

It is interesting that, when I asked her, T said nothing in the article was new to her.

Why does it hurt so much? I've known for years I couldn't get what I missed from any of my T's.

Thanks, Rainbow. Feeling better this morning, though still a bit sad. I'm glad your T still allows e-mail--mine does too (both T and MC), even though at one point T had said my e-mails were too long. She seems OK with them again, maybe because I shared with her how upset I was that she seemed against me e-mailing? I think she also understands how much they help. Though she only sometimes writes back. (MC has always been OK with it, though I fear I overdid it recently. I think he gets that I'm figuring some stuff out now, so he puts up with it!)

I haven't shown my T or MC the article, but I did mention it to them. I imagine they wouldn't be too surprised by it either.

Are you feeling any better today, Rainbow?

A little, thanks. It hurts, though. Deep hurt that I just have to accept. It's also hard for me to accept that something really was wrong in my past. It doesn't seem fair and it's scary because my parents both loved me very much! T says it's either the incubator but that was only 2 weeks, or my mother's anxiety. Or both. There's no use wondering about the cause anymore. It just adds to my grief!

That's interesting that she's saying it could have been your mom's anxiety. Because my mom clearly suffers from anxiety, too (though she denies it), as do I (but I freely admit it!) Maybe that's part of what was so difficult for me growing up, that my mom obviously had some issues with anxiety, but wasn't understanding or empathetic to my OCD and anxiety...hm...something to bring up with T next week.

I was traumatized, and felt abandoned, by an experience in the hospital when I was 3. Nothing that anybody knew would happen back then, or knew had happened.

So I can well imagine that 2 weeks for a newborn could have affected something. Unlike anything that would have been possible for a newborn, I did have cognitive memories of my experience but the emotional ones lay dormant/dissociated for many years. No use for you wondering about that, as you said.

Take my feeling about it, instead, if you can? I believe like your T that it could have, and I would cradle that infant in my arms, if I could have. As you would if you could, if it weren't you. . .

It sometime seems too much to bear, but having a daughter and granddaughters helps me put one foot in front of the other. So much of my life is gone, but so much of theirs is left to be. It's fun to watch that!

Thanks for all the hugs. There isn't anyone except my T who understands what I'm going through. My friends don't see what the big deal is, so I don't confide in them anymore. One doesn't want me to even mention my therapy! I think I have one friend who gets it, sort of. That's why I'm so grateful for this forum, especially to those that get it.

The attachment problem is the main reason I'm in therapy so that's why it's most important to discuss, even when it involves or did involve, wanting to be in T's life! I told T yesterday that's why I was so upset when she got divorced. The child had her hopes set on being part of T's family. Irrational but the child is just a child.

Thank you for responding, here today. Yes, I've been told that the first weeks in a newborn's life are important, and in "those days", babies weren't held the way they are now.
It's still hard for me to accept.

I have daughters and granddaughters too, so I know what you mean!! They're wonderful, and watching them grow is amazing!! Enjoy yours!

My T responded to one of my emails and it got me crying again. She wrote that she knows I can heal and that I'm doing great work. She said to continue showing love and compassion to the baby and child, to mother her. Then she wished me a good trip.

In the email that I know she won't answer, I asked if my child part is still allowed to be close to her, and said I understand her not wanting to hold my hand yesterday. She said that didn't mean she wouldn't​ ever do it again.

I was just interrupted by a phone call so I actually have at least 2 friends who understand. She thinks I'm amazing because I'm facing my pain, and this growing/healing is what I'm supposed to be doing in my life. It's painful but I have to go through it.

So, I still miss T, or what I wanted from her. I can't escape the child's pain and sense of loss, as well as my adult sense of ending this charade. But charade is an adult word. It was no charade for the child; it was an intense need.

T answered my other email too! That made me feel better.