[subtle lights]

I am so freaking tired of this. I don't know what's wrong exactly.
My T is this very logical, rational person, very exact and scientist-like.
I'm really trying. It's three months already with him.
There is always something missing, I feel that I need something and I'm not getting it.
He would ask me often "how would you like me to react?"- on a very clear, rational tone.
I don't know. I don't want to need to tell him how to react,it feels fake then.
I know I have this need to feel and know that he cares, sometimes when I talk about my SH, Sui thoughts, eating disorder issues, there is this cold reaction. Is this how they Ts should be like? I don't know, I feel like I desperately need something that I am not getting. Like a child needing his fathers attention...hm.
I don't know what to do, I go there with so many things to talk about, but then I just freeze, like I'm afraid of him. I've told him about this fear.
I don't want to search for another T, to start over again, this one is good in a way, but still...
I'm desperate.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I am so freaking tired of this. I don't know what's wrong exactly.
My T is this very logical, rational person, very exact and scientist-like.
I'm really trying. It's three months already with him.
There is always something missing, I feel that I need something and I'm not getting it.
He would ask me often "how would you like me to react?"- on a very clear, rational tone.
I don't know. I don't want to need to tell him how to react,it feels fake then.
I know I have this need to feel and know that he cares, sometimes when I talk about my SH, Sui thoughts, eating disorder issues, there is this cold reaction. Is this how they Ts should be like? I don't know, I feel like I desperately need something that I am not getting. Like a child needing his fathers attention...hm.
I don't know what to do, I go there with so many things to talk about, but then I just freeze, like I'm afraid of him. I've told him about this fear.
I don't want to search for another T, to start over again, this one is good in a way, but still...
I'm desperate.

Sounds like a nightmare. Coldness in response to pain is approaching emotionally abusive in my opinion.

If you tell him how to react, and then he contrives said reaction, then you know something artificial is going on, and so what is the point.

[feileacan]

To me it seems that you need emotional contact with him which he in his rationality is not providing. No wonder you feel that something important is missing. In your situation I would start looking for a new T, someone you could feel comfortable with.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Sounds like a nightmare. Coldness in response to pain is approaching emotionally abusive in my opinion.

If you tell him how to react, and then he contrives said reaction, then you know something artificial is going on, and so what is the point.

That's the thing, I don't know how much of this is normal. He is not very cold, per se, and always knows what to say, but sometimes I feel I need more. I don't know how much is the fact that I need someone who seems more warm, more emotional, more sensitive. He is not insensitive to my pain, but something is not the way I need it to be.

About asking what reaction I need and then contriving that reaction, I think it's his method, but not sure how this works. It seems something like, I create this whole interaction. Ah, I feel too overwhelmed to think about this.

I think I need to keep this feeling and go there with it fully on and throw it on him and give some kind of ultimatum...well, not the scary kind, but still, I want him to understand how much this bothers me, how overwhelmed I am.
But it's part of my issue, that I need people to react emotionally (unlike some people who have been close to me). And I've been thinking that I might be able to work on these issues in therapy...But not sure now.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by feileacan

To me it seems that you need emotional contact with him which he in his rationality is not providing. No wonder you feel that something important is missing. In your situation I would start looking for a new T, someone you could feel comfortable with.

Yes, it's like I'm always hoping and never getting it. I wonder, are there Ts who can actually provide this emotional contact I need?
Also here where I am it's hard for me now to find a new T.

I really didn't want to get there, and lately I don't have much stability in my life, and if I will take this away too, then I'm afraid I will get to a very bad place.
Maybe I should tell him next time that I am really considering to end it with him because I am not getting what I need, the emotional contact. But I'm so afraid to talk about this, I'm afraid that he will react coldly, like it's okay, I can leave it's my choice. And then I would be really devastated that he doesn't care...

[subtle lights]

I am so close to writing an email...though I should only write in crisis and haven't done it in a while, though have had loads of crises.
I'm just so angry and in pain and desperate

He will just say, "sorry that I haven't met your needs" or something and then I will just want to bang my head against every wall.

[stopdog]

What keeps you from trying out some other therapists? This one does not sound like a good fit.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

Maybe I should tell him next time that I am really considering to end it with him because I am not getting what I need, the emotional contact. But I'm so afraid to talk about this, I'm afraid that he will react coldly, like it's okay, I can leave it's my choice. And then I would be really devastated that he doesn't care...

I think this is a good plan. Although it might feel scary it would be better to know his view on this issue. If he is reacting coldly then at least you know you can't expect such warmth from him and you can start looking around for a more suitable T. There are Ts who are warm and consider emotional contact important.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by stopdog

What keeps you from trying out some other therapists? This one does not sound like a good fit.

I don't know, I can't just end it without any feeling. I get attached to people, okay I shouldn't, but I do. I did invest energy in this, I've told him stuff, he knows things about me, now start from the beginning? It is not as easy as it sounds in theory. Sure, maybe for some it's easier.
Also where I live now it's not easy to find Ts.

[subtle lights]

I've sent an email now I'm going to bang my head against the wall...

[luvnola]

It just sounds like he's not a good fit for you and isn't really in tune with your feelings and emotions. I've had the same issues as you (SH, eating disorders, sui....in recovery from all of that now so it's possible) but when I was working with t with these she was far from cold and I never had to tell her how to react; she was naturally compassionate. I hope you get what you need either from this t or a new one. Coming away from every session feeling so horrible isn't how it's supposed to be and I'm sorry you're dealing with so much.

[toomanycats]

It sounds like he is presenting the "blank slate" approach to therapy, and you are wanting something different. He's asking you "what kind of reaction do you want me to have" so that you can then explore why you want that kind of reaction, what it's tied into in your past/present/thought patterns/experiences, etc.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

It sounds like he is presenting the "blank slate" approach to therapy, and you are wanting something different. He's asking you "what kind of reaction do you want me to have" so that you can then explore why you want that kind of reaction, what it's tied into in your past/present/thought patterns/experiences, etc.

This is interesting, thanks for the explanation. I was thinking something similar, but I feel lost with this approach, it's like I get too much freedom and I feel alone and lost in it...Maybe I should use it and learn from it somehow but I don't know how. I think I'm somehow afraid to be that open, to be honest about the "kind of reaction" I'd want.

[toomanycats]

It's ok to say that - to say "I don't want to answer that question; I'm afraid to be that open with you." That's a really good response, actually.

It's also a great response to say "I don't want to have to tell you how to react" as your response... because that is also a really good response. All valid.

Not wanting to have to tell people how to respond is worthy of exploration in and of itself. (I relate to this a LOT....)

[BudFox]

One problem is that in real life people tend to be more spontaneous and aren't sitting there like a cyborg waiting for instructions about how to respond. So if therapy is not modeling normal human interaction sufficiently and is so convoluted that you're not sure how to act, could be a problem.

Also, it sounds like you just want normal human connection, and I don't see why that needs formal exploration. Isn't that like breaking down a pile of rocks in a prison camp?

I would trust my gut. The body keeps the score and all that. Is it possible you are not the problem here, rather you are faced with something to unnatural too tolerate?

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Also, it sounds like you just want normal human connection, and I don't see why that needs formal exploration. Isn't that like breaking down a pile of rocks in a prison camp?

So you're saying that because this kind of therapeutic approach is not working for me and I want a more emotional connection, I should just stop therapy completely? Based on my experience, the human/friend approach haven't been enough yet. I'm really not in a good place to just ditch everything.
Or maybe I misunderstood what you've said.

[Ms.Lizette]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

I am so freaking tired of this. I don't know what's wrong exactly.
My T is this very logical, rational person, very exact and scientist-like.
I'm really trying. It's three months already with him.
There is always something missing, I feel that I need something and I'm not getting it.
He would ask me often "how would you like me to react?"- on a very clear, rational tone.
I don't know. I don't want to need to tell him how to react,it feels fake then.
I know I have this need to feel and know that he cares, sometimes when I talk about my SH, Sui thoughts, eating disorder issues, there is this cold reaction. Is this how they Ts should be like? I don't know, I feel like I desperately need something that I am not getting. Like a child needing his fathers attention...hm.
I don't know what to do, I go there with so many things to talk about, but then I just freeze, like I'm afraid of him. I've told him about this fear.
I don't want to search for another T, to start over again, this one is good in a way, but still...
I'm desperate.

Hey there

I have been to many therapists in my life. Some of them could have provided what I needed, maybe. Many of them couldn't. It is very hard to really know if a therapist can help one when one is in therapy because there is an emotional bond which somehow keeps one alive, hoping.

I have also lived in countries where there was very little choice- for example I lived in Poland, and I don't speak Polish. I had a handful of therapists to choose from and that's why maybe I stuck to some of them even though they weren't helping.

In fact a bad match can make you feel worse. I think you should find a way to find out a bit faster if this man is a good or a bad match for you. I understand you have an issue with connecting to your feelings in therapy. I REALLY, I mean REALLY understand this because I am the same. I had a similar situation as you have now with a female therapist before, and I was going insane. I even started losing tons of weight so she will SEE HOW MUCH I WAS HURTING. I self harmed and told her about it, even showed her. Well, nothing made her really change her approach. I ended up stopping therapy, but it was all in all, a very painful experience which actually made me partly relapse into an eating disorder. It was REALLY not worth it!

I say confront him. Do everything you can to let the sad child come out. Get a drink before therapy if it helps (not advocating drinking in general or before therapy, just to be used as an emergency when feelings just won't come out!) If he doesn't react no matter how much you try, then he is not the right therapist for you. I really think you need someone who can take good care of the vulnerable child inside at the same time as he/she can help you understand things logically. You need that to start healing.

In many ways it is logical that your feelings don't come out with a therapist who treats you with such logical, scientific approach. A part of you knows that your painful feelings need someone who can sustain them. In a way you are protecting yourself, and it makes sense.

I know it is hard to see clearly now. I really know. Just remember that it is not worth you destroying yourself for him to notice how much you need him. Chances are he does notice, but he simply can't offer it. If this is the case you need to change therapist, as hard as it might be to accept.

But try him a bit more, and try to take care of yourself the best you can in the mean time.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Ms.Lizette

Hey there

I have been to many therapists in my life. Some of them could have provided what I needed, maybe. Many of them couldn't. It is very hard to really know if a therapist can help one when one is in therapy because there is an emotional bond which somehow keeps one alive, hoping.

I have also lived in countries where there was very little choice- for example I lived in Poland, and I don't speak Polish. I had a handful of therapists to choose from and that's why maybe I stuck to some of them even though they weren't helping.

In fact a bad match can make you feel worse. I think you should find a way to find out a bit faster if this man is a good or a bad match for you. I understand you have an issue with connecting to your feelings in therapy. I REALLY, I mean REALLY understand this because I am the same. I had a similar situation as you have now with a female therapist before, and I was going insane. I even started losing tons of weight so she will SEE HOW MUCH I WAS HURTING. I self harmed and told her about it, even showed her. Well, nothing made her really change her approach. I ended up stopping therapy, but it was all in all, a very painful experience which actually made me partly relapse into an eating disorder. It was REALLY not worth it!

I say confront him. Do everything you can to let the sad child come out. Get a drink before therapy if it helps (not advocating drinking in general or before therapy, just to be used as an emergency when feelings just won't come out!) If he doesn't react no matter how much you try, then he is not the right therapist for you. I really think you need someone who can take good care of the vulnerable child inside at the same time as he/she can help you understand things logically. You need that to start healing.

In many ways it is logical that your feelings don't come out with a therapist who treats you with such logical, scientific approach. A part of you knows that your painful feelings need someone who can sustain them. In a way you are protecting yourself, and it makes sense.

I know it is hard to see clearly now. I really know. Just remember that it is not worth you destroying yourself for him to notice how much you need him. Chances are he does notice, but he simply can't offer it. If this is the case you need to change therapist, as hard as it might be to accept.

But try him a bit more, and try to take care of yourself the best you can in the mean time.

Thank you so much for this, I could really relate with what you wrote and it makes much sense to me.
It is painful to realise that the one you need help from is not able to give it to you (again reminds me of people in my childhood...)
As you said, it's hard for me to see things clearly now and it hurts too much to just let him go so I will try this a bit more.
But what you've said about the painful feelings which won't come out when there is no safe space and someone who is able to sustain them, makes a lot of sense. Very much!
Thank you again

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

So you're saying that because this kind of therapeutic approach is not working for me and I want a more emotional connection, I should just stop therapy completely? Based on my experience, the human/friend approach haven't been enough yet. I'm really not in a good place to just ditch everything.
Or maybe I misunderstood what you've said.

I try not to give advice to people I don't know. Just asking questions and making observations. Seems feeling sui is grounds for at least considering getting away from it. People here are never gonna mention stopping. Therapists aren't either.

Seems awful what you describe, to want and need some sort of connection, not get it, and instead you are supposed to sit there and analyze why you want it (and pay for this)?

I get what it's like to not want to drop a lifeline even if it's making things worse. What helped me was to recognize, fully, that it was making things worse, and it was not my doing.

Maybe I'm missing something. Not clear what issues you feel need to be worked on.

From what you write, I don't think he's ever going to give you what you need from a therapist. The first two therapists that I saw weren't right for me. I usually felt pretty terrible after my sessions. I tried and tried to make therapy work with them. I've got a new therapist now, and I actually feel good after seeing her. I think it's hard to accept that a therapist isn't going to be able to help us, and it is painful to walk away. I felt attached to my first two therapists as you feel to yours. If you do decide to end it, I'd recommend taking one or more sessions to do an ending with him to try to acknowledge the closeness and the pain on ending.