I need some advice

Ok previous posts all over this forum may of already indicated this but I hate getting close to people and I think most of the time, I push them away out of fear of this happening....

I've been going to therapy for 6 weeks and I really like my therapist, he is great.
He was nice enough to let me go 2x the week of the 18th because of a major issue I was dealing with but then he was sick this past week so I didn't go at all. He has offered me Tues and my regular Friday....

Anyway I am just now realizing, I've spent the past few days trying to talk myself out of going both days for any reason I can think of, and I think I am already starting to push him away. I am terrified beyond words to get close to him and know that he will leave me eventually

I have a lot of things I still wanna work on, my phobias, my trust issues etc but I am seriously at the point where I don't know if I can go back. I'm too scared.

Can anyone offer advice besides, just quit? I really wanna push through this somehow but I am not able to mentally convince myself I need to go both days. I am more or less convinced I am wasting his time and not that important.

I am not sure this is so much about pushing him away as you feeling undeserving of therapy?

I would make a deal with myself, go to the first session, and discuss it. Then see about the second session.

It might be a bit of both, I did a separate post of how I am feeling undeserving but I also am now dealing with my Narsicissist mom on my case about it "Going again 2 times? Really? this is ridiculous"

Sadly I live with her and need to find someone to care for my handicap brother if I wanna go anywhere so I have to tell her

Anyway I do feel a huge part of me wants to push him away though, my biggest fear is getting attached, I've read so many stories on here on how awful it can be for someone to go through, and with therapy ending, it sounds like a nightmare. I am too scared to experience any of that but I know if I don't go back I'll be in this crappy never ending loop of anxiety and sadness I've dealt with for years and If I changed therapists, I'd be sad

Anyway I will probably do that, just go Tues and tell him he can hold Fri and I'll call him to let me know if I decide to go then. I am not sure I should tell him all these feelings though. I have so much other stuff I gotta work on.

I would not see scheduling two appointments as nice in any way. He is getting paid and he had a time open that you are filling.

You don't see it as nice?!! Then what is it? LOL

He offered them to me. I didn't ask. However I still am struggling to find my worth in going twice again. I am not as important, issue wise as others... and if I do 2x again, it may make me become attached and then my nightmare has come true

I do not see it as nice. I see it as a professional has an opening and a client who wants to pay for that opening. Nothing nice about it - he is earning a fee and making his living.

ya i get it then. that makes me feel worse when i realize he is only doing it for money, just proving my theory i am not important.

more than likely i wont go this week at all or just 1x if i do. we will see. thanks for the explanation though, i thought it was a typo or something.

SD only makes typos when she is drunk. (Or her dictation software.)

I am not saying it is just for money - I am saying it is his job. I am not getting into caring or not caring etc. Just that I don't see a client filling an appointment slot by any professional as the professional is being nice.

Sometimes that stupid dictation software makes me look drunk. (it needs to do a much better job of understanding my accent)

I kinda do since he told me he doesn't like seeing people more than 1x a week but he makes exceptions. He also doesn't charge for missed appointments or cancels. He says he gets that anxiety can cause people to not wanna show sometimes

Anyway yes he is professional. I get that. never doubted that. I am merely saying, I don't feel I am worth going 2x. I am not that important compared to others.

I don't see it as a matter of importance or not. You don't have to be important to fill an appointment slot to see a therapist (or any other professional). Plus = how would you know anything about all of his other clients - that's making a bit of an overbroad leap in my opinion.

I think that's harsh

I don't see it as harsh at all.

I'd call it a statement of fact. If reality is harsh, that is reality's fault. Recognizing it as such is just being sensible.

OP - given your scheduling issues lately, it makes sense he would offer a second appointment. I don't think it means he is going out of his way for you, so questions of just desserts don't even enter into the picture in my mind.

Sorry you are feeling this way. Forming a therapeutic relationship can be difficult for those who find it hard to form any relationships or "get close" to others. I understand what you are going through and I was leaving therapy because I am scared of getting attached to my therapist and the whole idea of starting this knowing that it will end is very scary to me but I am still trying to go and trying to work with my therapist through this.
DO NOT quit. It is definitely not a solution to your problem and you will end up feeling bad. Try to push yourself to go. I find writing lists of pros and cons helps to convince yourself that it is the right thing to do and if you feel that two sessions are too much maybe talk to your therapist and discuss the possibility of having one instead two sessions. Please know that you are not wasting his time. It is his job to help and guide you through this and you are there for a reason which is for you to feel better and that is important enough

Thank you for providing the best and nicest reply so far. I am glad someone gets what I was trying to say in my post.

I will go Tues I guess and just see how I feel about Friday. I think he is allowing it because my only other source of support right now is out of the country for 3 weeks. He has been very kind to me but yes I know, I am "just another client" however my insurance pays for it, not me LOL

At any rate, thank you again. I will do my best to push through because I've had these phobias since childhood and that is one thing I REALLY wanna overcome.

Also he wont care if I only go 1 instead of 2, he was just offering it this week to me.. the second one... because apparently its his job, not to be nice.

If you want it to be because he is nice - okay - do that. I just don't think it is good to see them as doing things like appointments as niceness or not - what about when he does not have an opening - is he then being not nice? Seeing it as nice or not makes the client more vulnerable to feeling upset- not ultimately more loved - in my opinion.

he doesn't have many clients, i highly doubt i would never be able to get in. he has gone above and beyond for me already in many ways and its hard to imagine its only because he is getting paid. none the less.... i am sorry i posted this here, i should of only discussed it with him.

I never said it was only because he was getting paid.

Thats how it came across. He is professional and getting paid and making a living, he isn't being nice. Basically you're message. How am I suppose to feel better about this situation with hearing things like that? You could of said nothing

OP - I think what SD is suggesting is a way to think about it that will actually help you not worry so much about the appointments and go to them if you want to. You benefit, he benefits. Quid pro quo. She never said he didn't care.

I often find SD's advice to be good, and also nice.

maybe so but it didn't come off nice. any way, i am not paying him. my therapy is covered by the state. yes i know he benefits
anyway... i will talk to him in person about it and go from there.

I think that taking it slowly is usually a good approach when fears like this come up for me. You have a good idea to go on Tuesday and talk about it before deciding on Friday.

It seems to me that you need the support, but I understand your fears.

fwiw, I do see it as kind for your therapist to offer a second session. Not all of them do that, and they can make someone feel like crap for asking. In your case, he offered. I would say that's kind. Others have different experiences based on how they view life in general and it might resemble some of how your mother responds to you, so just take what feels right and leave the rest, especially if you're feeling anxious about this.

I was actually not saying what you thought. I was trying to simply suggest a way (and it is what I believe) to think about it that might be different than how you were approaching it so that you might be easier with it all. You asked for advice - I gave what I thought was useful. If it did not help, then don't think of it like I do.