Any success stories?

How many people do you know that have successfully accomplished what they wanted to with therapy?

I'm curious. I'm feeling incredibly depressed again, and hopeless, and trying to figure out what to do. I have a long history of very not helpful therapists, which makes it really hard to get excited about trying to find yet another one.

1. I knew a person, a long time ago, in another mental health forum. She was recovering from some pretty severe childhood issues, I believe, but was very very close to being done.

2. I know a person in real life who saw a therapist for anxiety, worked through an anxiety workbook, and was done. It seemed to work for her.

3. I know one other person in real life who saw a therapist for couples counseling... last I heard from her (we've lost touch) she told me it was amazingly helpful, and her and her new husband never fought anymore. They discussed how to deal with things they disagreed on, but didn't fight.

4. The woman from the Boundary Ninja blog seems to have made amazing, real progress with her therapist.

That's all the examples I can think of, and two are online. The two real people I know had fairly simple issues (I think) and were pretty well adjusted to start with.

Why not make a few simple goals first, and then move on to bigger things once you've accomplished those smaller goals? That may help you a lot in terms of being "successful"

You can even break big goals up into a bunch of mini goals. Think of it like weight loss. (This is the best example I can think of...) If you're 400lbs and your goal is to get down to 150lbs, should you set one big goal and say "I want to get down to 150 lbs"? Sure, but wouldn't it be nicer to say "my first goal is to get down to 350, and my next goal is to get down to 300, and the goal after that is to get to 250" etc etc? Your main goal could be "lose 250 lbs", but your mini goals are losing 50 lbs.

The trick is to not bite off more than you can chew. Baby steps.

And really, a lot of the examples you gave involve people accomplishing huuuuge goals. Do you know if they had a bunch of mini goals along the way? I'm betting they did, especially in the anxiety lady's case because there are usually multiple triggers for anxiety, and so you have to tackle each trigger.

But remember, we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. What I consider a success may not be what you consider a success

If you accomplish your mini goals, you will feel as though you've accomplished something! Good luck

Hi guilloche! Long time no see

How do you change who you are into something different? Or what?

Thanks, Bluebicycle and Unaluna (hi!) -

Bluebicycle... thanks. Yeah, I try to break down my goals. That's a really good suggestion, and these days, I'm generally just focusing on: what is the one next thing that I need to do to move me forward in this day. Like, "OK, just focus on getting out of bed" or "let's just brush the teeth, then we can move on with the day". Like, what is the one thing that is standing between me and the rest of my day.

I think I was more curious whether anyone else knew of any success stories from therapy. I feel like... they're so few and far between? We hear so many stories (and I have my own bucket of them) of people not getting helped in therapy, being hurt by their therapist, being kicked out, or just getting stuck in therapy for decades with little to no progress.

I know there's some bias here - if you've gone through therapy and got what you needed, you're pretty unlikely to be hanging around on a therapy forum encouraging others (presumably there are much more interesting things to go do!). But, it seems like some of us should at least know OF people who met their goals in therapy, got what they wanted out of it, were successful and have moved on?

I'm just feeling... like I'm getting older and older, and nothing is getting any better. It's getting worse. And, I can't see a path out . I don't mean to be dramatic, but I keep *trying* to figure it out... and I feel like I'm in a sinking boat that is constantly taking on more water, and I can't clear it out fast enough. For every bucket I remove, another 3 enter the boat. Like, there's almost nothing left to hope for at that point - you can clearly see the pattern, and you can see that what you're doing (removing buckets of water, one at a time) - if you keep doing that, is not going to be enough, the boat is sinking. But there's no obvious other answer.

Sorry. I am just sinking this weekend. And, when I try to look at possible new therapists (I've had a lot of therapists, and no real great outcomes) - none of them look like they actually have what it takes to be helpful.

Hi Unaluna, nice to see you too. I don't know the answer? I don't know that's the right question? I don't think you do, I think you fix what you've got... maybe? But sometimes people change too, don't they, accidentally? Are you the same person you were 20 years ago? I don't think I am... I feel like I'm missing the point, sorry!

So sorry you're struggling.

So sorry to hear you are struggling right now. It is hard to have hope when we are feeling so hopeless.

I am one of those who still hangs around even though I have finished therapy successfully. I went through many years where I didn't think it possible to get to that point, but it did come. It came for my husband too (and I know of several others). But in the midst of it, I understand how impossible and unattainable it seems.

I hope you can find a way through, perhaps with a therapist who can help you find a tangible path forward.

I feel you. I've been struggling with similar thoughts and feelings the past few days. I was recently triggered and ended back in the same dark place that I usually go to. It made me think of therapy as being pointless and all I saw was all the failures and what I still have yet to achieve.

But once I bounced back I also thought of all the slow, steady progress that I have been making. Tiny little accomplishments that to many wouldn't seem big to others, but to me are monumental.

Therapy has taught me a lot about myself. It has caused me to reflect on why I ended up with my issues and what I can do when my triggers come up. I've worked through incredibly difficult and excruciating feelings with my therapist.
I've pushed him(metaphorically!), threatened to quit many, many times, and doubted him and the process. But he has stayed with me and continues to stay with me through it all.

I also think we have to give up on the fantasy that our T will save us. That we can just show up and things will fall into place. They won't. We just have to work hard and or be lucky in finding a T who is good at what they do and consistently be there and show up for us through thick and thin. The rest is up to us.

We need to decide to choose that enough is enough. We need to start actively choosing better. We need to take responsibility for the choices we make and try to let go of the victim mode that is very easy and (partly pleasurable) to be in.

That doesn't mean that along the way we won't get stuck. We will. We're allowed to feel all the feelings that therapy often induces in us. We're allowed to doubt and to periodically feel hopeless. We are allowed to regress. I think this is normal.

I don't know if I'll be successful. I don't know if the hard work that I've put in will reap results. I can only be hopeful and try my best. That's all any of us can do.

And as others have asked "what does success mean"? For many of us, therapy is usually a lifelong endeavor, because the altnerative is way worse.

But back to you, you mention that you looked into therapists but you don't think they would be helpful. Could it be that you just have very high standards or you are looking for a miracle worker?

Thanks Here Today, I appreciate the good thoughts.

Lolagrace, thanks for responding! I had been thinking about you... but wasn't sure if my memory was correct (and didn't want to call you out on the forum, in case I was misremembering). Thanks for the good thoughts, and for sharing your story here! It's definitely helpful to see that some people actually get better!

ColorsoftheWind12 - Thanks! It sounds like you've been through so much with your therapist. I'm glad to hear that it seems to be working... even if it's in tiny little increments.

I've tried lots of therapists, several of them for longer periods of time (i.e. a year or more). I just can't seem to find one that I really can work with. It may be that there's something about my problems, or my way of being, that is contributing to that - but that's not really helping me. The last one (who I actually think about going back to, just to have someone to talk to) - didn't really understand me, at all. At our last session, I had been having some problems related to my job... I was so excited to have a session scheduled to talk to someone about stuff that seemed crazy, and he basically told me that what I wanted to talk about wasn't important and was a waste of time. What kind of therapist says that? I think, if he were smarter, he would have at least spent a few minutes talking to me about it - to see *why* the things that I wanted to bring up were important to me, but he didn't, he just shut it down.

The last two that I interviewed... one was late (the building was locked, I was stuck outside in the middle of summer wondering if she was going to show up), couldn't answer questions (she'd talk in circles for a few minutes, then forget the question!), and didn't have any knowledge of "phase-oriented therapy" (despite saying that one of the things she specialized in was dissociative disorders). She didn't seem like a good fit at all...

The other was the awesome seeming French guy! I was really excited about that, b/c he seemed to have a personality similar to some of my previous friends, who were wonderful to talk to about psychology, personality, and mental health - very smart guy. But, he was a fairly new therapist, and his supervisor told him that he couldn't see me, b/c he had no experience with dissociation (despite advertising that he treats trauma!) - and I was diagnosed (~15 years ago!) with a dissociative disorder, so... that was... *sigh*. I cried.

I don't really know what I *need*. It's just... the whole thing is frustrating. I've spent so many years and dollars *trying* to make it work with various therapists. With that last one, I really thought I was in a place to start getting into some of my crap... but... most of what he said/did seemed to make me feel more shut down/closed off... rather than making me feel like sharing more

Ugh. Part of me feels like I should just go back... b/c I know he will put up with me. We had several talks about the fact that he wouldn't quit or kick me out, he'd stick it out with me as long as I wanted, and even if I left and came back... he'd be there (barring death, retirement, etc). He was very solid in that regard.

But he's super expensive and... just not very helpful. OMG. I don't know. I have to think about it some more. (Ha... sorry, I think I just sort of followed some random tangent of thought that wasn't really related, but... trying to sort it out.)

Oh, and last therapist... as nicely as possible... very much validated that I was a "challenging" client (and probably needed to avoid new, inexperienced therapists.)

Hmm. It feels really weird to self-identify as a "success story," but I think mine could count! I was in therapy for several years about a decade back, and it was extremely helpful--it certainly didn't "fix" everything, but the tools and insight I gained in working with that therapist were life-changing, and gave me what I needed in order to move forward and grow in some important ways. I wouldn't be the person I am now if I hadn't stuck with it. My issues weren't simple or small, and my life is still complicated and difficult sometimes (...isn't everyone's?), but I've been able to experience a lot of happiness, connection, and accomplishment over the years that I credit in part to that experience in therapy.

I also empathize tremendously with how frustrating it's been for you to try to find a solid therapist, and how many really unacceptably bad experiences you've had. I'm back in therapy again, looking for help working on both old stuff and new stuff, and only managed to find a new therapist who's a good fit after many attempts, some of which went on for months and cost more than I care to think about, some of which left me worse off than before. Part of that was my stuff, but part of it was also poor fit and lack of skill on their part. By the time I found my current therapist, I had half-decided I was just incapable of finding someone helpful again, that I was too resistant/complicated to connect effectively with any of the therapists available to me, that things were okay enough without therapy and I'd just have to figure out the rest on my own, but the guy I'm seeing now is SO much better than the ones I didn't click with in the past. Like you, I suspected I needed someone experienced, and that turned out to be correct. My current therapist certainly isn't perfect, but the contrast is immense compared to others I've worked with who were fresh out of school, whose modalities felt more superficial, and/or who lacked meaningful experience with people who share some of my identities/issues. The process of finding the right person is painful and stressful and often just awful, but ultimately worth it. I know many, many people who have benefitted tremendously from therapy and are doing really well.

Ooh, thank you Starfishing - that's really inspiring. It's helpful to hear that you've gone through some of the same things (feeling like it's your fault, that you're just too difficult/complicated to be helped - I use to tell the old T that I was "un-therapetizable"!) To you, and everyone, who talks about how life changing therapy has been - I try really hard to hold on to that thought!

If it's not too much, can I ask how you found your new T? Was it just luck - or did you get a recommendation? And, what kind of therapy is it? (You don't have to answer if you're not comfortable, I'm just curious - since it sounded like, in part, this modality was also more helpful than some of the others).

Thanks! I really wish there was a therapy match-making service where I live. I read about one up in NY, I think, where the guy running it (who is a therapist) actually interviews/talks to all the therapists he recommends, so he actually *knows* them all, who they are and what their personalities are like. He then talks to people who want therapy and is able to give really good recommendations, they have something crazy like a 98% success rate!

I want that! Maybe I just need to move up to NY, so I can get that guy to find my next therapist!

(Talk about depressing... I tried something similar online. You put a little info about yourself on a form, chose up to 3 things that you wanted to deal with and filled out an optional personality quiz - I did it, and only got one match, and it was somebody that I had already ruled out - youch!)

Thanks!

I'm happier and less angry. And I am not depressed and not on any mood altering medication. I'd call that a result.

Not too much at all. It was a mix of luck, research, and recommendation. I first came across his name on a friend of a friend's recommendation (actually not a recommendation aimed at me, so some serendipity there), and after reading some articles he'd published and feeling like he had a nuanced, informed view on some issues that are important to me, I decided to reach out. He's a psychoanalyst. I see him once weekly for psychodynamic therapy, not for psychoanalysis (I don't have the time or money for that right now) but I think his psychoanalytic training informs the depth of his work!

I had a therapy experience when I was younger that was not successful. I guess it helped to talk about some stuff but I left with all my major issues unaddressed and in retrospect some aspects of that now seem harmful to me.

I had a marriage counseling experience that was not successful. I never fully trusted the therapist and, when we hit an impasse, she could not work through it with me. Frankly, she seemed scared of me.

BUT--I have had a very successful experience with the individual therapist I have now. Part of it has been going on medication for the first time, which is life-changing. But part of it is how the therapist is. He's got decades of experience and is unflappable without being cold. I feel like he really "gets" me. I have discussed lots of relationship/family issues and have put in place new boundaries and had discussions with people that have been tremendously helpful. Intense feelings of anger and depression that used to come and last for a long time now come more rarely and do not last as long. I have started doing more creative work and have started socializing more with others. I make more time for myself and take better care of myself. I think I take more emotional risks with other people now. But it's been a slow process--3+ years--and it's a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing. I view it as a success. It's not like my life is completely without troubles now, but things seem way better all around.

I'm sorry you've had such troubles finding someone good. I do think some of it is just calling up as many people as possible and checking them out in an initial appointment. Before I went to my current therapist, I checked out one other person and I did not feel comfortable with her at all. Based on my experience, I think good therapy can be wonderful but subpar therapy can be a disappointing mess. And I don't think it's the client that's the issue. But rather the therapist and the client's mix together.

i am still in therapy but i am happy that i had a small goal i already met, i am not at the point where i constantly second guess calling or emailing him. if i feel i need, i just do it. that was huge for me, i asked him all the time if i was bothering him, i guess he assured me enough i wasnt that i felt ok to do it now

CantExplain - That sounds wonderful, I'd call it a success too! Good for you, thanks for posting!

Starfishing - Thanks. It sounds like you got really lucky finding your current T... I love that he had papers out there for you to read. I'd really like to find somebody like that. I check blogs/websites, but so many of them seem incredibly superficial, it's disheartening. And, I apologize, I can't remember if you posted on the other thread (about psychoanalysis) - but thanks for mentioning that about your T! It's something I've only recently started thinking that I should consider... since it seems to be a deeper (and more interesting!) process than a lot of the other approaches that I'm running in to. Thanks!

Thanks, Moment. It's good to hear that you've found success after previously unhelpful therapy experiences. I seem to have trouble even finding people that look like possible good fits, and honestly, I'm a little upset that they all seem to charge MORE for the first visit (?!?). I don't get it, it looks like a money grab. I think I'm going to have to make some calls and just start trying to weed through the list and see what happens. I just... ugh. It is so not fun. Thanks.

DodgersMom - that's awesome! Meeting goals feels really good, doesn't it? Congratulations, and good for you! It sounds like your T is helping you make progress!

Thanks!

In terms of people I know that got good therapy they are limited in number and usually it happened after much investment​ of time and money.

One friend lost his parents aged 8 - these days he's very happy with the last therapist he had. He said to me when I met 'until 5 years ago when I started making money I was deadset against ever going back'.

Another friend I met through a social anxiety website has made progress with her latest therapist, an ex-FBI interrogator. Her issues relate to sexual abuse and all sorts of complications - I think the more complicated the problem, the more you need experienced therapists.

Me - I had 3 therapists before getting successful therapy. The first 2 were inexperienced pro bono therapists in college (plus I only got 1 session every 2 weeks), then the 3rd was highly aggressive - I went off therapy altogether after him in disgust.

A few years later my GP convinced me to go back as I'd been put on beta blockers and needed it. I did CBT privately with a therapist who was amazing. I'd already noticed positive changes within 2 months and after 14 months I was off the medication and really noticed the difference in my social life and my anxiety was virtually at nil. A year after that I had psychodynamic therapy through insurance through a clinic, which helped as I had wondered if my progress was imagined and if CBT wasn't enough. Tbh it really felt like I was just doing the same thing but with a different language eg self processing in CBT is similar to intellectualising in psychodynamic therapy.

One major observation is that if it says 'CBT' or 'Psychodynamic' on the tin it doesn't necessarily mean it's real CBT or real psychodynamic therapy. I've come across people that did 'breathing exercises' for CBT (breathing exercises aren't real CBT!) or hear tales of psychodynamic therapists screaming at survivors of sexual abuse to 'stop feeling sorry for yourself!!'. Real therapy involves neither of these things, which is why I think what gets underestimated here is the role of a competent therapist. It also helps to take baby steps and recognise that the real/root problem is often easier to tackle. For instance when I did therapy first I saw my problems as loneliness, no social life and no dating. Over time I realised not only that tackling anxiety unlocked these issues, but that anxiety was the only real issue. For instance these days if I were forced to drop everything and move abroad, say, I'd likely experience loneliness, no social life and no dating but it wouldn't be such a massive issue as my anxiety is much better managed, and over time I'd get those things anyway. One final thing is if you do get a good therapist, deal with the need to seek validation afterwards. It's something nobody warned me about - not only will people not listen but I've had multiple people miss the message 'I had successful therapy' (often leading to a cheap shots of unsolicited advice on therapy), particularly if they have a bee in their bonnet about people criticising therapists. And write down in detail what happened with poor therapists. Don't leave it at glib statements like 'they were aggressive' and get shot down in flames - I once showed a trusted colleague a detailed account of the s**theaded errors, u-turns, ducks, dives and attacks I endured from the bad therapist (10 pages long) and he went white as a sheet and apologised for questioning me leaving the poor therapist.