[rainbow8]

I've been away from home for 2 weeks and haven't emailed my T at all. I will see her on Wednesday, so I missed 2 sessions. I know that if she were away, not me, I would have a harder time. That's one aspect.

However, I think I'm angry with her now. I've stopped crying but the child part still wants what she wants and is disappointed that T can't give it to her. That part still wishes she could climb onto T's lap. This week I comforted my 4 year old granddaughter when she was crying, and her little arms were wrapped around me so tightly. I couldn't help wishing my child part could be comforted like that. I understand that she must have not "taken in" that feeling because I know my mother hugged me.

I keep thinking about the inner child and attachment article. Then I think of the 7 years of therapy with this T, and my years with past Ts. They all said they couldn't give me what I missed. They didn't lie to me. Yet the child part forged on. It seems so very sad.

[Elio]

I can related. I'm at day 9 since last I saw T. I have had 1 phone call and 3 emails in that time so not completely left. I'm feeling like T won't be able to give me what I think I need. The question I have before me is, will T be able to give me enough to heal or should I find another T now that might be more willing to try some different things. I really want what I want. The way I respond to the concept makes me think I do need to feel it and not just from inside myself. I don't think this T will be willing to give it to me; not because she doesn't feel it per say but because she will feel like it is not the correct therapeutic thing to do. I'm not disappointed that T can't/won't give it to me. I guess I'm at the place of if there is a T out there that is willing to give it a try, why shouldn't I go to them and try?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I understand wanting to be that child again. When I was 19, I lived in a board and care. I had HUGE maternal transference with my counselor there. She did treat me like I was her daughter. I got hugs, held her hand, she tucked me into bed and kissed my forehead when she worked at night, and even once she held me in her arms and rocked me. She gave me so much love. But it wasn't enough. It didn't fill that hole in my heart. I know now that nothing will ever be enough. I even have a good relationship with my mom now, but it doesn't do anything for that hole. My fiance is a big cuddle bug, and that's not enough.

But it does get easier if you fill your life with other things and people. That's what I was taught: you have to build your life up around that hole in order for that hole to get smaller.

[kecanoe]

That sounds like progress to me, Rainbow! I know what you mean about it being easier to cope when I am the one taking time away, but still. You've made it this far and are ok. Nice to hear.

[rainbow8]

It

Originally Posted by Elio

I can related. I'm at day 9 since last I saw T. I have had 1 phone call and 3 emails in that time so not completely left. I'm feeling like T won't be able to give me what I think I need. The question I have before me is, will T be able to give me enough to heal or should I find another T now that might be more willing to try some different things. I really want what I want. The way I respond to the concept makes me think I do need to feel it and not just from inside myself. I don't think this T will be willing to give it to me; not because she doesn't feel it per say but because she will feel like it is not the correct therapeutic thing to do. I'm not disappointed that T can't/won't give it to me. I guess I'm at the place of if there is a T out there that is willing to give it a try, why shouldn't I go to them and try?

I'm not sure if you're talking about love you didn't get in the right way in the past, or something else? What exactly do you want that you think another T might be able to give you? I am starting to realize that nothing will ever be enough, but my current T came closest to giving me what I wanted by holding my hand. Those feelings will be inside of me forever! The only problem is that the child part wants to hold her hand again and T refused last session. I haven't asked for months but my realization that T is not the answer made that child part needy again.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I understand wanting to be that child again. When I was 19, I lived in a board and care. I had HUGE maternal transference with my counselor there. She did treat me like I was her daughter. I got hugs, held her hand, she tucked me into bed and kissed my forehead when she worked at night, and even once she held me in her arms and rocked me. She gave me so much love. But it wasn't enough. It didn't fill that hole in my heart. I know now that nothing will ever be enough. I even have a good relationship with my mom now, but it doesn't do anything for that hole. My fiance is a big cuddle bug, and that's not enough.

But it does get easier if you fill your life with other things and people. That's what I was taught: you have to build your life up around that hole in order for that hole to get smaller.

Thank you. I have been with my daughter and family for almost 2 weeks now and my grandchildren do make the hole smaller! But it's still there so I know I just have to accept it. Our Ts can help us accept the reality but they can't be " the answer."

Originally Posted by kecanoe

That sounds like progress to me, Rainbow! I know what you mean about it being easier to cope when I am the one taking time away, but still. You've made it this far and are ok. Nice to hear.

Thanks, kecanoe. Yes, I'm glad I haven't felt a compulsion to email T or to Google her. Like I said, the child part or parts may be angry with her, but in the past I would lash out in an email about that. Now I'm trying to sit with my feelings and simply be curious about them, as T encourages me to do. I'm both dreading and looking forward to seeing her on Wednesday. I'm afraid of facing my disappointment with her. This is IT. No use talking about anything else for awhile. I have to fully grieve for what she can't give me, in her presence. I feel strongly that I have to do that before I can heal.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It
I'm not sure if you're talking about love you didn't get in the right way in the past, or something else? What exactly do you want that you think another T might be able to give you? I am starting to realize that nothing will ever be enough, but my current T came closest to giving me what I wanted by holding my hand. Those feelings will be inside of me forever! The only problem is that the child part wants to hold her hand again and T refused last session. I haven't asked for months but my realization that T is not the answer made that child part needy again.

I'm not so sure it is love. I'm not sure exactly what it is yet and it is wrapped in and around love. I just don't think it is love. When I figure it out, I'll gladly share. One thing is I don't know what creates certain feelings inside myself unless I get the chance to experience them, then I will be able to say... ah so when this happens, I feel this. I want to feel this... so I need to ask those in my life to do whatever it is that caused the feeling.

For example, when we played remote control cars, one point I was really excited because I figured something out and I called out to T to show her (very much as a young child would to a parent). She stopped what she did and watched with interest what I was doing then joined in trying to do it her self. She did not tell me "in a minute", she didn't go back to whatever she was doing once I showed her, she didn't think it was silly or stupid or ... one of many other things, but responded as if it was cool that I figured out how to do this trick. This is a special moment for me, a special memory that reaches something that talking about it would never reach. It would not have occurred to me just talking about things that something like this was needed for me to feel attended to. So, yeah it is part of love, but it is not love. And no, having that one moment did not lead me to wanting more or that there would never be enough (or at least I don't think so at this point).

Does that help?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you. I have been with my daughter and family for almost 2 weeks now and my grandchildren do make the hole smaller! But it's still there so I know I just have to accept it. Our Ts can help us accept the reality but they can't be " the answer."

Yes, what I am learning about myself, I am able to give to my grandson. I am also able to take what I give him and try to apply it to my inner child.

I guess, I am questioning the concept that they can't give us something that we didn't get. It is correct that we cannot go back in time and make it something that it wasn't. We can have experiences in the present that gives us feelings/emotions that touches the core emotional parts and helps us rewire our thought processes.

I think it is at this point of belief in the process that me and my T may differ. I think she may believe as you state, that I need to grieve and accept. I believe I need to experience and recondition my responses.