[rainbow8]

Unaluna, remember when I posted that once? I'm beginning to think my problem is more about inability to separate from my Mom than lack of love, just like Bay suggested. That IS an attachment problem. I still believe in the incubator theory too.

So I emailed T that the 30 something part misses her mother and that I know it's about my mother and not about T. I was crying when that insight came to me during meditation. I've grieved a lot for my Mom in therapy this time, but never about that part being still dependent on her. No wonder I wanted to replace all my Ts. I wanted someone to take care of me the way my mother did. Ts took care of me but they all wanted me to grow up. I didn't want that.

It's clearer now. Tonight I understand it's not about T. I hope I can remember that tomorrow!

[unaluna]

Something stood out to me in one of your posts this past week, where you got mad at your t. Cuz "they say" part of the work we have to do is get angry at our parents, and see that our parents survive it. Thats the only way anger becomes an acceptable emotion.

In my case, my mothers mother did not survive my mothers anger. And i think my t feels deep down that his own mother did not survive his childish anger. I think probably a lot of ts have a problem with this. Im sure i cant begin to comprehend what an awful overwhelming job taking care of a child is. Unfortunately, that awfulness is my only sense of it. I have no sense of community, of family, of togetherness. Only aloneness. I had a point, what was it?! Maybe not to be afraid of anger.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's clearer now. Tonight I understand it's not about T. I hope I can remember that tomorrow!

Isn't that the rub!

[rainbow8]

T wrote me back! On a Sunday morning! She said my email was full of insights and I'm doing very important work, and to keep meditating and grieving. That I'm helping the 33 year old grieve for my Mom and helping her grow up. That was a good incentive to keep in mind it's about my mother, not T. T is here for me to help with the growing up process. I hope this doesn't sound morbid or stupid, but I want to grow up before I die.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I hope this doesn't sound morbid or stupid, but I want to grow up before I die.

I can relate to this!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

T wrote me back! On a Sunday morning! She said my email was full of insights and I'm doing very important work, and to keep meditating and grieving. That I'm helping the 33 year old grieve for my Mom and helping her grow up. That was a good incentive to keep in mind it's about my mother, not T. T is here for me to help with the growing up process. I hope this doesn't sound morbid or stupid, but I want to grow up before I die.

Oh Rainbow, this is so very hard, the work you are doing. I wish I could give you a hug. I think you are very grown up, I think in therapy you get stuck in the child place and it's hard to see anything else when you ruminate about therapy during the week.
I have seen a very wise grown up woman on here so many times, a woman that has so much compassion for others. You are wise and experienced and yes, you miss the things you never got as a kid but you can give them to yourself like you give to others on here. You do such hard work in therapy and I think you are on the cusp of discovering your real grief, the real work of therapy. I really hope you can be kind and supportive to yourself. I don't think it's about growing up, I think it's about helping the little Rainbow to learn how to look after herself, grow up sounds very judgemental but that could be just me.

That's interesting insight, rainbow. It may also make a lot of sense in the context of your wanting to google the T and know everything about her, no? If you are grieving your mother - the T may remind you of missing her, is not really a substitute, but you want to hold onto or get what's lacking. I agree with mona, you seem like a grown up, brave woman who is willing to do difficult work in therapy that, I think, many people would not.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Oh Rainbow, this is so very hard, the work you are doing. I wish I could give you a hug. I think you are very grown up, I think in therapy you get stuck in the child place and it's hard to see anything else when you ruminate about therapy during the week.
I have seen a very wise grown up woman on here so many times, a woman that has so much compassion for others. You are wise and experienced and yes, you miss the things you never got as a kid but you can give them to yourself like you give to others on here. You do such hard work in therapy and I think you are on the cusp of discovering your real grief, the real work of therapy. I really hope you can be kind and supportive to yourself. I don't think it's about growing up, I think it's about helping the little Rainbow to learn how to look after herself, grow up sounds very judgemental but that could be just me.

mona, your reply is so, so sweet it almost makes me cry! Thank you very much for your kind words. I don't mean to judge myself. I know I have many good qualities but it's so nice to be validated as "grown up". You're right. It's about helping little Rainbow look after herself, or maybe having Big Rainbow take care of her so she doesn't lead the show, as my T likes to say. I do think that involves some growing up and becoming independent, at least for the 30 something part. T says child parts are supposed to unburden themselves and play, like kids do.

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

That's interesting insight, rainbow. It may also make a lot of sense in the context of your wanting to google the T and know everything about her, no? If you are grieving your mother - the T may remind you of missing her, is not really a substitute, but you want to hold onto or get what's lacking. I agree with mona, you seem like a grown up, brave woman who is willing to do difficult work in therapy that, I think, many people would not.

Thank you, xynesthesia. I think most of me is grown up, but some parts are still children. I'm not sure why I want to know everything about my T but it does make sense that I do it to become close to her, like a mother would be. I never acknowledged the loss of my mother until 4 months after starting therapy! She had passed away about 3 months before I started. I kind of went on with my life, or so I thought. I had my father until he was quite elderly, but it's not the same as a mother.