[20oney]

How do you allow yourself to show vulnerability with your therapist? Is there something you tell yourself to help let the emotions out? I need advice, as I want to show some vulnerability, emotion, something other than defensive sarcasm basically.. I trust my therapist, I like my therapist, I feel safe there, everything about the relationship right now feels right. How can I utilise this time to stop being so closed off with her?

[Hopelesspoppy]

Say to her what you write here, that you trust her, feel safe, etc. and that you wish to communicate with her on a more emotionally vulnerable level but you are unsure how. She should be able to take it from there. Best of luck!

[caal]

Dr. Grohol:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...ut-in-therapy/
https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...lk-in-therapy/

Dr. Brene Brown:

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...E346&FORM=VIRE

[toomanycats]

One thing that really helped me was reading/listening to a lot of Brene Brown's talks and books. Just understanding the power of vulnerability helped me to be able to be a bit more brave in my being vulnerable.

[DodgersMom]

i am in a similar spot OP. i talked to mine about it, with me, its mostly a deep longtime fear of crying in front of anyone, i am going through hell in life ATM and i just keep fighting it in therapy. i tear up, look away, wipe my face and go on.... i know he notices but i try not to let myself show my sadness completely. he told me because he knows i am a consoling type for others who are sad, that he has felt like crying with me, but he doesnt want me to console him, we discussed this and i told him, if you feel like it, please do. i am used to crying alone, it may help me for once feel like its ok.

i am not sure if he will but its out there, otherwise, idk i am still struggling myself. i hate feeling vulnerable. its gonna let him get too close to me

[Moment]

If you show defensive sarcasm, then you're showing emotion: anger. Anger is usually a secondary emotion. Underneath it is some kind of hurt. Sometimes it helps to pause before you respond, try to identify the hurt, and voice that instead of the anger. That might be one way to be more vulnerable and open to someone. Anger pushes people away--giving voice to your hurt brings them closer.

I also think showing vulnerability means taking a risk and that is often the risk of rejection. For me, that has often meant taking deliberate risks of letting myself show affection for my therapist. Telling him that I will miss him when he goes on vacation. Telling him a dream I had about us being cozy together. Etc. Etc. Telling him, "It meant a lot to me when you..." All of this has been really hard for me. I think a good test is whether it feels excruciatingly embarrassing when you first do it. Then it gets easier.

You could say to your therapist. "You know, I was thinking about it and I really feel safe in here. You make me feel safe and I am grateful for that because I don't feel safe with many people." It can be enormously intimate, vulnerable, and intense to talk about your feelings for your therapist, rather than talking about people or things outside of the room. it's hard to say something like that to someone, face to face. Or at least it is for me.

Another way I have forced myself to show vulnerability is by talking about intensely private and even potentially embarrassing things. Usually I say something like, "This is very difficult for me to talk about and I don't want to but I am just going to plunge ahead."

Another way to show vulnerability is to express a need for something they can do for you. For example, once I called my therapist in between sessions and asked him to call me because I was in a bad place and really wanted to talk to him. For me, reaching out like that was unusual and not something I'd typically do because I feel like I should be so self-sufficient. Admitting need can be vulnerable. Asking for a hug, for a photo, whatever you might want but be afraid to ask for.

For me, when I have done all this kind of stuff, tender emotions emerge naturally. But it was a deliberate act to do them because I'm usually so closed off. I hope some of these thoughts might help you.

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by Moment

. Asking for a hug, for a photo, whatever you might want but be afraid to ask for.

i liked your whole post but specifically this part. I did ask for a photo, sorta, it was of him and my dog... but he surprisingly was ok with it. He even went outside to "pose" for the photo. That did help me trust him more and feel more comfortable.

I am going through a really tough time right now, especially since my family is unsupportive... and even though generally I don't like hugs, lately...I have kinda wished for one from him but am too terrified to ask, because of the potential rejection... so I am not sure I can get the courage to but I imagine if so, it would help build trust even more

Problem, for me anyway, with building trust, is the more I trust, the more I worry how someone will betray or hurt me.

It is a tough thing to do but rewarding for sure, if you find the courage to, even in small steps

[AnxiousGirl]

I can help you out because I'm going through that right now. Ive been seeing my T for 2 years. I stopped abruptly and haven't gone for 2 months. In these past 2 months, everything I've been hiding from T has escalated into something I've never been through before. It's horrible. So last night I emailed my T asking to see her. Something I have NEVER done in the last 2 years. I plan on going and being 100% open with her because honestly I have no more energy to hide my emotions in anymore. So, before you go through what Im going through because you are afraid to show emotions and vulnerability, tell yourself that opening up to T cannot be worse than holding in your feelings and feeling horrible.

I know it takes guts and it's extremely hard (look at me, it took me 2 years to even ask for an appointment) but Im sure the benefits are higher than the costs. Wish you all the best.

Adding another angle to this.

I let my vulnerability out in my therapy, too much at times. Besides handing over all my power to him, a problem resulted--this same level of vulnerability leaked out all around me with just about everyone and all situations, and I started being over vulnerable outside of therapy that led to alot of hurt. People outside of therapy generally do not act the same and can be very unempathetic.

It's a different world-being vulnerable in therapy vs outside of therapy. For example-at work. I started acting vulnerable about situations at work and was practically run over and taken advantage of. Then I noticed that no one around me acts "vulnerable" at work, discussing emotional content or letting out their vulnerability. I eventually unlearned this behavior and learned to be the way I was before-keeping emotion out of the work place almost entirely. Of course, I didn't intentionally become over vulnerable. I didn't even realize it was happening, and by the time it did, the damage was done as things became unmanageable. And you can't take them back. Damage has been done.

This isn't unique to me or this topic as it can happen with other emotions or emotional behaviors too, like anger. Repressing emotions or emotional behaviors for x amount of time can make it difficult to manage the emotions when they surface.

So I would say-be careful and maintain balance. While something sounds good in theory, it's also not a bad idea to think through the possible adverse consequences of what seems like desirable behavior in therapy.

[Moment]

My experience was that showing vulnerability to my therapist didn't hand over any of my power to him. But I did experience that practicing being more vulnerable in therapy ended up with me being more vulnerable in other places too.

For me it was a good thing, though. Like for my marriage. And even at work, I took some chances with coworkers who were friendly to me and now feel closer to them.

I am very sorry people at your work didn't show more empathy to you. The workplace can be rough when people feel strong emotions or are coping with stuff in their personal lives.

Originally Posted by Moment

My experience was that showing vulnerability to my therapist didn't hand over any of my power to him. But I did experience that practicing being more vulnerable in therapy ended up with me being more vulnerable in other places too.

For me it was a good thing, though. Like for my marriage. And even at work, I took some chances with coworkers who were friendly to me and now feel closer to them.

I am very sorry people at your work didn't show more empathy to you. The workplace can be rough when people feel strong emotions or are coping with stuff in their personal lives.

Seems I should clarify- it wasn't my coworkers' fault, it's just normal human behavior prevalent in multiple lines of fields of work. (maybe not if you work in the mental health field?) It was me, not them. It doesn't normally help to confront a coworker with "I know you meant well, but I felt hurt when...". (example). And I have read stories here of people getting fired for addressing conflict in what would be a reasonable manner in close relationships, but that doesn't work in the workforce. Hardly ever.

Humans have hierarchial dominance; similar to (but less physically manifested as) animal packs. It was me with the problematic behavior--it's not safe going around being vulnerable all the time. Much like it's not safe for an animal to roll over belly up amongst a pack of other animals that include predators.

Again, I didn't do it purposely-it was an unintended side effect. Also, therapists in private practice often don't know what it's like in the workforce. Hearing other clients talk about it is akin to reading how to do therapy in a book/in school. One has to experience the politics of work to truly know how it is.

I've had some good come out of it too. It just wasn't helpful to have these new behaviors manifesting throughout the week but having no one to help me with it, including the extreme emotions, in between sessions. Like many others, I never could afford to pay him for more help. It was only less than an hour a week and could only get so much in that short amount of time. Plus, I didn't know what hit me!

I may have not had the same problems as you-I was perfectly friendly and close (enough) to coworkers before the vulnerability episodes. Took many risks before. But yes, the workplace is rough. This isn't exclusive for people in therapy or coping with emotions that have nothing to do with work, but workplace stress, bullying, other issues are a common problem that's not going to just go away. But that's how it is. I can't control the behavior of others-only myself. Thanks though.

[20oney]

A lot of good feedback here, unfortunately this weeks session did not work in my favour. We danced around the idea of vulnerability, but it didn't really happen all that much. I think in some respects, I am able to show a fair bit more than what I could when I first started out with this T, but I'm still leaving feeling kind of unresolved/unsatisfied..

She's aware that I do feel safe there and all of that, I'm honestly not sure if she's trying to really ease me into the experience, or not getting the hint. She seems to bring up some emotion, then back off, so it's more of an ease..

I donno, I just want it to be over already, I love going there, and as I said, I do feel extremely safe and trusting - hence I keep returning to that room.. But I'm afraid, what happens when you show vulnerability? Especially after being so closed off from emotions for your whole life. Do you break down, cry, panic attack, or does it just happen and that's that... I donno, there's a lot of fear around this I guess!

Thanks everyone for your input

[DodgersMom]

Originally Posted by 20oney

A lot of good feedback here, unfortunately this weeks session did not work in my favour. We danced around the idea of vulnerability, but it didn't really happen all that much. I think in some respects, I am able to show a fair bit more than what I could when I first started out with this T, but I'm still leaving feeling kind of unresolved/unsatisfied..

She's aware that I do feel safe there and all of that, I'm honestly not sure if she's trying to really ease me into the experience, or not getting the hint. She seems to bring up some emotion, then back off, so it's more of an ease..

I donno, I just want it to be over already, I love going there, and as I said, I do feel extremely safe and trusting - hence I keep returning to that room.. But I'm afraid, what happens when you show vulnerability? Especially after being so closed off from emotions for your whole life. Do you break down, cry, panic attack, or does it just happen and that's that... I donno, there's a lot of fear around this I guess!

Thanks everyone for your input

i so relate to this, i think mine does the ease thing too but i appreciate it, i don't wanna be pushed too much too soon but he will have to push me more i think at some point, i am not sure what happens either, but i feel like if i do get to this point, i will have a breakdown and probably yell or get angry, i tend to have alot of pent up anger and sadness

i am sorry it didnt go well but i am glad you still love going, same here. mine is tomorrow. keep at it

[20oney]

Originally Posted by DodgersMom

i so relate to this, i think mine does the ease thing too but i appreciate it, i don't wanna be pushed too much too soon but he will have to push me more i think at some point, i am not sure what happens either, but i feel like if i do get to this point, i will have a breakdown and probably yell or get angry, i tend to have alot of pent up anger and sadness

i am sorry it didnt go well but i am glad you still love going, same here. mine is tomorrow. keep at it

Best of luck for your session! Sometimes I really wish that they would let you know of their plans, for me, yeah ease me into it, but don't go too easy on me hah.. I think the sadness is what would get me, really it would be beneficial to let it all out, even anger.. I guess they're trained for this kind of stuff.. but still, I'll keep avoiding it!!