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Anonymous35014
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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 08:42 PM
  #1
Ever since starting therapy, I have become more and more hermit like. My therapist wants me to get out of the house and make real life friends or something, but it seems that I am refusing potential friendships by filling that friendship void with a therapeutic relationship.

I wouldn't call myself "attached" to my therapist if we go by the standard "PC accepted" definition of attachment. I have a void and I am using therapy to fill that void. Therefore, I am satisfied with my current state.

If, for whatever reason, my therapist and I terminate, I will be completely heartbroken, not because I've lost a "friend", but because there will be nothing to fill that therapy-friendship void. (Selfish, yes.) However, if she terminates with me and I get set up with a new therapist within a week, then no harm done. So my attachment is not an attachment to HER specifically, but an attachment to the idea of having a therapist. I NEED a therapist because I NEED to fill that void, and therapy is an easy way to fill that void without having to put much effort into a friendship. (Yeah, I'm lame... but at least I admit it.)
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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 09:05 PM
  #2
i kinda get this

i am however a hermit to begin with... and its hard for me to just trust people and make friends etc. i often feel no interest in hanging out with the people i know already

however i love therapy, i look forward to it, and i wish i could go more than 1 hour a week. i think often about what we will talk about and reflect often on our convos.

its nice i guess just having a place i know i wont be judged for what i feel or say, whereas my friends and family always judge.
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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 09:10 PM
  #3
I think that's interesting. I think a lot of people may feel this way. Personally I may be the opposite, I dislike having feelings in therapy a lot and I prefer normal relationships. I feel like that void is even deeper when I am in therapy.
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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 09:45 PM
  #4
I will turn down social invites if they are at the same time as my T appointment. I don't know if that is normal/healthy or not. I have never had a huge social life anyway and now that I work full time it is even harder. I'm trying to do more though
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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 09:55 PM
  #5
Yes, I've become MORE of a hermit since starting therapy than I was before (but I was always somewhat a homebody anyway.) I'm not quite sure why this is, although I don't see my therapy as a friendship
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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 10:20 PM
  #6
Yes, I'm attached to the idea of therapy and also attached to my current T. I have been able to replace one T with another but this T is special snd I can't replace her. In the past, I would try to schedule my sessions so I'd only miss one if I were going away. Now I'm able to skip 2 sessions. I have friends; I think it's a mother I'm missing. If something happened to my T, I wouldn't want to see anyone else. That will break my attachment to therapy but it might also break my heart.
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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 10:32 PM
  #7
No and it has not.

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Default Jun 20, 2017 at 11:08 PM
  #8
This is a good realization. Yes , think I am attached to the idea of therapy but I don't think it affected me social life since I didn't have much of it before. But they were times where I would avoid other things if it was in a way of therapy. I still might but not as much, but more so because I don't think it's healthy, I should prefer life over therapy but that's what it is right now. Maybe that's what we need now, hopefully not forever

I feel the same way now, it is filling some kind of void in my life. A year before I started I was clinging to something (someone) else that was wrong for me and I didn't stop focusing on that until i started therapy (i mean almost immediately), so that's what makes me think it's not about person but the same thing you're talking about. I feel somewhat attached to my T and the thought of him quitting on me terrifies me but when I thought about that happening I just figured that I would find a different one so I guess I'm on the same boat as you are. Although it would be really hard for me to start with a new one and definitely would compare a lot because I like the way mine works.

I would like to figure out what is the void I'm missing so I don't have the need of going there forever, perhaps emotional connection since I don't really have that, but I'm not sure. Might be worth figuring that out in your therapy as well.

And thank you for admitting this, because I wasn't going to
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Default Jun 21, 2017 at 12:38 AM
  #9
I find it's interesting what you have described. I don't experience attachment in the way you describe, but I know that other people do, because this type of attachment is actually described in the book I have about schema therapy (it's called a Reinventing your life). It describes it in terms of the abandonment schema or lifetrap, where some people find that they have a void that really needs to be filled, just as you describe, so they become very attached to someone who is filling the void. But if that person goes away or is lost for any reason e.g. relationship breakdown, moves away, then they will quickly find another person to fill that role or fill the void. And they will be able to attach pretty quickly to the next person, and not feel too devastated ever about losing someone just as long as the void is filled again.
In the book this is described as an unhealthy schema or lifetrap because it comes from a fear of abandonment, and also a fear of not being able to cope by yourself, and these are not nice or helpful things to live with. And it can lead to unbalanced relationships where one person is quite dependent or enmeshed,which also makes it unbalanced for the other person as well.
I'm not sure if this is helpful and also clearly I don't know you at all, only from what you described here it reminded me of what is in the book. In any case it seems like it's a good thing to work on in therapy? It seems your T is already a bit aware and trying to encourage you to have lots of relationships, not just the T relationship. If you find that hard or like it's not your usual pattern it may be a good idea to tell that to T and try to work on why it's difficult for you, etc.?
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Default Jun 21, 2017 at 01:39 AM
  #10
Im supposed to have a social life? Who knew?
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Default Jun 21, 2017 at 01:41 AM
  #11
I used to feel that way about therapy so I completely understand where you're coming from.
The interaction I had with my ex T was often the only interaction I had all week (except for work). It filled the void but also made me long for more from my ex therapist. Nothing was ever enough. It was extremely painful.
I finally realized that i needed to focus on real life relationships instead of an artificial one. Thus I'm no longer attached to my therapist and feel much better overall.
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Default Jun 21, 2017 at 09:12 AM
  #12
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluebicycle View Post
I wouldn't call myself "attached" to my therapist if we go by the standard "PC accepted" definition of attachment. I have a void and I am using therapy to fill that void. Therefore, I am satisfied with my current state.
I have two therapists - one of whom I've been seeing for years. I have worked through a lot of transference with this one (mostly on my own). While therapy really doesn't affect my social life in terms of friendships, if I'm honest, my relationship with this therapist keeps me from trying to find an intimate partner. Basically, I'm getting my "unconditional love" needs met, without physical contact or the risk of being vulnerable (to a certain extent). I suppose that's pretty unhealthy and it's something I plan to address in the next couple of months - but it's worked so far...
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Default Jun 21, 2017 at 10:19 AM
  #13
I think I became attached, or something, to the idea of therapy after I was hospitalized for anorexia nervosa over 50 years ago.

I'm not any longer.
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