[Blaire]

I've been having major transference with my therapist and am extremely attached to him. I've been seeing him for four years. I just finally worked up the nerve to confess to him that I sabotage myself to stay weak so he'll see that I need him and he won't abandon me. This was extremely difficult to admit, and I was feeling very fragile.

I have major abandonment issues, and today he talked a lot about how therapy is not forever and how I need to think about moving on eventually. I took this very hard. I wasn't ready for that, and it felt very harsh and cruel.

I feel awful tonight. I can't eat or talk to my family. I can't do anything. I'm not ready to face the abandonment I know will eventually come.

[DodgersMom]

so sorry to hear this
honestly this terrifies me too and i am only semi attached i'd say. i feel like when i do eventually end, its gonna be so hard on me, ill not only revert to never trusting people again but ill have to go to therapy to get past losing him

i admire you for admitting it. i am sorry he was not that well about it. he shouldn't be making you feel like you have to end until you are ready, even though yes technically they do want you to eventually leave. thats the main therapy goal. not that i agree with it lol

[ScarletPimpernel]

Just because your relationship might end, doesn't mean he's abandoning you.

[feileacan]

I do agree with him that therapy is not forever. This is just a plain fact. However, I disagree that you have to think about moving on eventually right now because you clearly aren't there yet. I hope he did not mean that the moving on part has to happen any time soon but you can proceed at your own pace.

I have been in therapy for four years too but my therapy has probably been quite a bit more intensive (4 sessions per week). I have major abandonment issues too because I was an emotionally neglected child basically from infancy. I do remember when I felt like you about therapy - that I would probably be in therapy forever because I just couldn't let go of my therapist. Now I think that one day I will be able to let go although I have no idea how many years I still need. My therapist has told me quite bluntly that our therapy will stop at some point but he has also said that it doesn't happen before I am ready and he does not pose any expectations on when I should be ready.

I think that working through abandonment really requires going at the pace of the patient and tolerating the thought (on both patient's and therapist's part) that the process is very slow. I don't think anything can be accomplished with forceful weaning, which I hope your therapist is not doing.

[Waterbear]

I feel for you. I had a similar session with T today, where the harsh reality of the relationship ending (at some point) hit home. The difference though, is that my T said that we are not there, or near it yet, so why torture ourselves thinking about it. I am not ready to think about it in detail, and she hopes that when I am ready, I will be a different person, in a different place, and so it won't look so terrible. Rather than feeling like life and death it will feel like a bittersweet ending.

I was so angry with her when I came home. I hated her for leading me on and never wanted to see or speak to her again. I did the unthinkable, for me, and spoke to my H about it, and very surprisingly it has helped me.

I am not saying that this will work for you. And I don't think your T handles it very well, by the sounds of it.

Interestingly, as I was thinking "I hate you T. I am seriously angry with you and I never want to see you again," all I could here were the words "right now. You feel like that right now. But it won't feel like this forever". Her words
Damn her, couldn't even get her out of my head as I was trying to hate her!

[Blaire]

Thank you guys for your responses. I continued to be very upset this morning and cried all the way to work. I had intended to leave him alone until our next session, but I can't handle how much this hurts. So I left him a voicemail trying to explain what I'm feeling. I just thought it was not good to leave it like this for two weeks. I'm so upset that I can't eat, and that could trigger my anorexia. A couple years ago I had an abandonment crisis and ended up so thin I had to go into treatment. He was with me through that, so he should know how extreme my reactions can be to things like this. I don't know if calling was the right thing to do, and I don't know what will happen when he calls back. I'm in so much pain right now.

[dermald]

I think there is a big difference between a relationship coming to an end because it must, and abandonment. I see abandonment as someone just skipping out when they were involved, and needed most.

A great artist by the name of Dave Mustaine wrote a song [Addicted to Chaos] about his drug therapist, who was helping him to overcome his drug addiction. One day, his therapist was there. The next day, his therapist had died from a drug overdose. Some would consider that abandonment, while others might see it as most unfortunate.

I had a therapist who helped me with some serious PTSD 24 years ago. I still miss this therapist, even though I know that I no longer need his services. Relationships are built, and it can be hard to keep those into proper context.

Only yesterday they told me you were gone
All these normal people, will I find another one?
Monkey on my back, aching in my bones
I forgot you said one day you'll walk alone
I said I need you, does that make me wrong?
Am I a weak man, are you feeling strong?
My heart was blackened, it's bloody red
A hole in my heart, a hole in my head!
Who will help me up?
Where's the helping hand?
Will you turn on me?
Is this my final stand?
In a dream I cannot see
Tangled abstract fallacy
Random turmoil builds in me
I'm addicted, addicted to chaos
Light shined on my path
Turn bad days into good
Turn breakdowns into blocks,
I smashed 'em 'cause I could
My brain was labored, my head would spin
Don't let me down, don't give up, don't give in
The rain comes down, cold wind blows
The plans we made are back up on the road
Turn up my collar, welcome the unknown
Remember that you said
One day you'll walk alone

[Blaire]

[satsuma]

(((hugs)))
I think it was brave of you to bring up this topic and be honest with your T.
I wonder whether it made your T think that maybe they (T) were a bit at fault for not making it clear that therapy has an end goal and that they envisage you leaving, getting stronger, etc., so now they have thought oops, better make sure to talk about that.

But I think the end of therapy will happen when you are ready and when you are feeling strong enough and wanting to leave. Right now you are feeling very upset - so that's a strong clue that right now is not a good time to end! Does it help to think of it like that? Not that one day T will kick you out, but that one day YOU will want to leave.

I think I also could have felt tempted to not be "better" because I want T taking care of me. But actually I notice how gradually I feel a lot better, and stronger, as therapy goes on. I've been seeing T for five years, and right now I go less frequently. I find it's ok to think of a time when I won't go to therapy, because I really do trust that it will be a time when I don't want to go: T will never kick me out. I think a really helpful thing for me is that T and I have discussed our goals and how we see the future of the therapy regularly, and right from the start.

Perhaps your T made a mistake in not talking through goals and feelings about eventually ending therapy before? But now that you've bravely brought it up, hopefully you can talk more about how you're feeling with all this at the moment, and hopefully that will be helpful.

[Blaire]

I talked it over with my husband, and he believes this T isn't qualified to handle me. T specializes in addiction, and I have that plus bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and anorexia. My husband says my T probably still doesn't know how to handle me after all these years because I change so much due to the bipolar disorder. He thinks this is too confusing for someone unqualified to work with it. Maybe he's right. It just breaks my heart to think of leaving. I'm so attached.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Blaire

I talked it over with my husband, and he believes this T isn't qualified to handle me. T specializes in addiction, and I have that plus bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and anorexia. My husband says my T probably still doesn't know how to handle me after all these years because I change so much due to the bipolar disorder. He thinks this is too confusing for someone unqualified to work with it. Maybe he's right. It just breaks my heart to think of leaving. I'm so attached.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think, perhaps, your T is the one to ask if he can handle your issues, rather than your husband. I understand your attachment because I have the same problem, and had it with at least 3 Ts, though I managed to leave them. I've seen my current T for 7 years, and I am still thinking that I don't want to leave her, though she brings up that at some point I will. In my case, though, I don't think I will ever leave unless she quits, dies, or moves away.

Your T didn't say you have to quit NOW. It's the idea that's hard to accept. It brings up all those feelings about the unfairness of the therapeutic relationship. At least, for me, it does. I hope your T has something helpful and comforting to say when he calls you back. You can have many more productive sessions and he is not pushing you out. You brought up the subject, not him. I wish you the best! Hugs.

[Blaire]

You're right, rainbow8, I was the one who brought it up. I guess I was not as prepared to address it as I thought I was. I surprised myself by how highly sensitive I was to the topic. The nerve is very raw.

It definitely wasn't his fault for bringing it up. But I feel it was his fault for persisting after I fell apart. I've never cried like that with him. You'd think he'd ease up on the subject once we realized I couldn't handle it.

Also, he still hasn't responded to my message.

[Blaire]

He still hasn't called or emailed me. It's 6:48 pm. He usually works late, but I'm sure he isn't going to call at this point.

Anxiety meds are taking the edge off the physical pain, but they can't stop my mind from reeling. I still can't eat. I wish this weren't happening. I regret bringing this up to him.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Blaire

I talked it over with my husband, and he believes this T isn't qualified to handle me. T specializes in addiction, and I have that plus bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, PTSD, and anorexia. My husband says my T probably still doesn't know how to handle me after all these years because I change so much due to the bipolar disorder. He thinks this is too confusing for someone unqualified to work with it. Maybe he's right. It just breaks my heart to think of leaving. I'm so attached.

didnt you recently admit your transference to your T? or was that this session? and then he suggested therapy isnt forever? to me that seems like hes getting nervous and maybe he is out of his element here.

[Blaire]

He called. He assured me he has no plans to end therapy at this point, but he wants me to understand that it will eventually happen. I told him I am trying, and I just had a major breakthrough, and I'm more sensitive and raw than I expected.

I told him I want to start identifying when I'm trying to self sabotage and learn how to catch it and stop it the same way I learned to do that with drinking and anorexia. I emphasized that this is all in the spirit of recovery. It's always hard to tell if he believes me.

I've had such strong urges to self-sabotage in the last 24 hours. I've seriously considered drinking, but I know I'd only be drinking to punish him, and this is exactly the kind of manipulation I'm trying to stop.

I do feel a bit better having talked with him again. Yesterday I was confused and afraid to say much, but today I could say my piece. That did help.

Thank you all so much for your support through these very hard days.

[Blaire]

JunkDNA - yesterday was the first time I told him about the transference. I agree it may have freaked him out.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Blaire

He called. He assured me he has no plans to end therapy at this point, but he wants me to understand that it will eventually happen. I told him I am trying, and I just had a major breakthrough, and I'm more sensitive and raw than I expected.

I told him I want to start identifying when I'm trying to self sabotage and learn how to catch it and stop it the same way I learned to do that with drinking and anorexia. I emphasized that this is all in the spirit of recovery. It's always hard to tell if he believes me.

I've had such strong urges to self-sabotage in the last 24 hours. I've seriously considered drinking, but I know I'd only be drinking to punish him, and this is exactly the kind of manipulation I'm trying to stop.

I do feel a bit better having talked with him again. Yesterday I was confused and afraid to say much, but today I could say my piece. That did help.

Thank you all so much for your support through these very hard days.

I'm glad he called you back and has no plans to understand therapy soon. Did he seem to understand why you're feeling especially vulnerable right now? And any chance he could see you before 2 weeks?

[Blaire]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I'm glad he called you back and has no plans to understand therapy soon. Did he seem to understand why you're feeling especially vulnerable right now? And any chance he could see you before 2 weeks?

Thank you, I'm not sure he totally understands why I'm so sensitive, and no I have to wait two weeks. He says that's the next appointment he has available. Not sure I believe him, but I don't have much choice.

I just woke up in the morning, and for some reason I'm feeling kind of angry at him. I feel a disconnect, like I've lost some trust in him.

Originally Posted by Blaire

Thank you, I'm not sure he totally understands why I'm so sensitive, and no I have to wait two weeks. He says that's the next appointment he has available. Not sure I believe him, but I don't have much choice.

I just woke up in the morning, and for some reason I'm feeling kind of angry at him. I feel a disconnect, like I've lost some trust in him.

Remember though, you brought up the subject of abandonment and he was being honest with you. He didn't lie. He didn't "do" anything except respond honestly and realistically to the topic you brought up. Perhaps this is more about being angry that your illusion of him always being there forever and ever was brought down to reality? Just a thought.

[Blaire]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Remember though, you brought up the subject of abandonment and he was being honest with you. He didn't lie. He didn't "do" anything except respond honestly and realistically to the topic you brought up. Perhaps this is more about being angry that your illusion of him always being there forever and ever was brought down to reality? Just a thought.

You are right. I did bring up the subject. I guess I just expected him to be gentler. I know he was just doing his job. I just can't handle the idea of losing him. I brought up a subject I thought I was ready for, and maybe I was wrong. Or maybe I'll work through these awful feelings and this will have been a very productive challenge in the long run.