In Session Today : Part III

I think you need to keep looking as far as Ts .....that is definitely inappropriate. The only way I could think this would be appropriate is if you were seeking therapy specifically for a sexual phobia or issue, and even then, still probably not appropriate

Haha yeah right

Yes, straight male therapist. 3 sessions in, now.

I told him I like feminine women (as am I). He said he didn't understand the couples who came in for therapy and one was more butch while the other was femme. He said he kinda thinks "Why don't they just go for guys?"
Then he asked if I had watched Atomic Blonde. I asked him if that was the movie with Charlize Theron. He said yes and that it had a scene I might be interested in. That the two characters are both femme but "kick-***." He then said, "Yeah and there's a real hot lesbian scene in there. Well, I thought it was pretty hot." I replied that I had heard of something like that appearing in the movie. Then I wondered if he should be telling me this.

I just left the last T who told me some boundary crossing stuff. Then he said that.

Ohmygod. No. No no no no no FFS no

The question "why don't they just go for guys?" Demonstrates such a total and abject ignorance of LGBT issues tbat it boggles my mind. He doesn't sound like he understands lesbian issues even remotely. I like soft butch women for a complex number of reasons, among them attraction to people confident enough to flaunt gender norms, a love of the interplay between a particularoutward display contrasted with inner femininity, etc.
What I am definitely NOT attracted to is men. I like a butch appearance with female characteristics/body parts ( softer skin, different hair, different shape, even the bone structure of men and women are different). Being butch and being masculine are not equivalent and the fact that he does not know that suggests that he us not equipped to counsel really anyone. But definitely not a gay woman.

Ditto to all this. I would be offended if a person on the street had such weird, ignorant views about lesbian relationships, much less a therapist! Also I can't imagine hearing my T say she thought something was hot. Yikes!

Run like Forrest did from this guy. Reading that gave me the heebie jeebies.

Wow, yeah, that's really inappropriate. I'd find a new T, sorry...

We started talking about work briefly. I said I was exhausted because of how much time I spent at work last week. Then I explained the population of students I work with, giving him a brief history lesson of how special education has evolved since he stopped teaching (30+ years ago). I said that work stress is there, but not important, not taking up a lot of my mental capacity.

Then I said I had a dream I wanted to share, and he looked annoyed. "As long as we're not using it as a distraction." I said no, it isn't. So I told him about the dream where Dr. Green texted me. And that I felt so stupid for feeling the way that I do, because none of it is actually him.

He said that he was honored that I was willing to be so open with him about the transference, because he hypothesizes that many clients have similar feelings, but they don't express them. I said that I knew it was important because the dynamic between T and I mimics the dynamics in a lot of my other relationships.

I told him I reflected on the barriers between me and the relationships and I said I feel like my primary block is fear. When I let people in, that's when I'm open to be hurt.

I told him about how despondent I was last weekend, and how awful I felt about the way I treated H. T was like, visibly moved by what H said. He said, "wow, Daisy, that sounds like a beautiful moment. How did you feel afterwards?"

I said guilty. H is begging me to let him in, and I just can't do it.

But then I kind of mused that none of this really matters. I don't think it'll ever get better. The wounds there I don't think can be healed. All I really want is a healthy parental relationship, and I can't have it. I'm trying to fill a void with the wrong things, the wrong relationships.

I talked about how H feels like he doesn't give me what I need. Mainly because I don't know what I need. I feel bad for H, because my emotions are difficult, volatile. T said that didn't sound right. He said that when I get in my dark states, it's because something happened to make me feel rejected or abandoned. He's right.

T said he had a question that would probably sound stupid and obvious. He asked me what I would need in those moments to feel comforted. He was right, the answer felt obvious. A hug or some other physical affection. To be told that I'm loved or important.

T was going to say something else but I cut him off. I continued that even though I want those things, I can't accept them. I physically shirk comfort. He agreed, said that he's seen it multiple times. I could only remember the one where he was trying to rub my arms. He said that the day he went out to my car that he touched my shoulder. He said that he was going to rub my shoulder, but when he touched me, I pulled away from him a good 6-8 inches. Enough that it was visible.

We discussed the paradox that is my longing, fear, and shame around being comforted. That perhaps I need to be able to comfort myself so that I can accept it from others.

He said that he was doing something in therapy that he doesn't like to do: arguing the other side. I was confused, and he said that typically he'd use the Evil Chair for this kind of stuff. I said f*** the chair. He said he knew I hated it, but that it seems to be effective for me. Perhaps next time. The session was over.

I let him walk me out today.

Yep...NO NO NO. Ugh.

Yeesh. Trigger warning next time please.

Yikes. Sorry i killed the thread.

Perhaps a description of a gosling session will revive it?

Yeah, things have been quiet on the gosling front lately.

And the thread title doesn't say it has to be a therapy session...

I can report on my session, although it's not as interesting as una's chiro. It's about my dog, so apologies to cat people of pc. He's always been very attuned to me and aware of dissociation when it happens, responding differently depending on what's happening. My therapist has often noted his reactions and takes them as cues. This past session, he sat right in front of her and listened intently to what she was telling me. After noticing this, she said she must be on the right track, and we both laughed about how aware he is.

It might sound a little out there, but two days later, I was out in public with him and he strained on his leash to get to someone whose back was to us. He was whimpering and working up to bark. He is not a barker, so this was alarming. I got up to get him and saw that the person he was focused on was slumped over. She was having a small seizure, not noticeable from behind. I have a family member who has grand mal seizures, and this was not anything like that, so I'm not sure. She was not responsive at all. He kept barking and she started to fall out of her chair so I held her up while someone called for help.

Anyway, it just makes me even more intrigued by his participation in my therapy. He must be able to sense changes in consciousness or energy or something else. I am so pleased that he alerted to someone in trouble. If he hadn't done that, no one would have noticed as no one else was around.

:
He sounds amazing Ruh Roh

(((Ruh roh))) so... your dog is giving you feedback on how your t is doing. So cool! But thats a different thread.

Seriously, he deserves a lifesaving medal for helping the seizure stranger

Wow, ruh roh. I'm definitely a cat person, but your dog sounds amazing. Thanks for sharing!

Another cat person here who loves ruh roh's dog nonetheless...

I'm a cat person too but love your dog, ruh roh.