In Session Today : Part III

For those of you following my story, over the last month my home life has had a major implosion. Things seem to be stabilizing some and we are looking at starting couple's counseling. The net result of this has been a significant redirection of my attention away from PC (which I miss) and a shutting down of the parts work in my therapy. I hope to return to this work in the future (hopefully not too far out) as I feel it was making a big difference.

Another rush to get there and use the bathroom, push the button with only a few minutes. I got out my folder, I miss my notebook. You came out to get me and we headed back. You were talking about the light and forgetting to turn it off.

I wonder if I should ask you if there is someone after me today – I decide not to ask. I will try to be better about leaving on time. It’s hard to leave. I try, I really do try to leave on time. I don’t need to see you more than I do for my stability. I like the time I spend with you, mostly. There are those times that are really hard, still though I can acknowledge they are not you and you do a good job helping me through those tough sessions.

I ask you how you are and how your weekend went. You said good to both. I said my weekend was better than the previous one; however, it was not very productive. I talked about my eating and drinking, then about binge watching 13 reasons why. You asked me what I thought of the show. I said how I didn’t like it from the stand point of showing that everyone has problems and I shouldn’t need help for mine, I should just… you completed my though with toughen up, man up... type of statements. I said yes. I said I felt sorry for the main boy, the one listening to the tapes. I talked about the one comment that the Tony character said about this being Hannah’s truth and that might not be Clay’s truth. I didn’t talk about the suicide part of it. What did I think of the suicide? I think Hannah was in a lot of pain. I was surprised that the school counselor was not more trained/educated than he was. I don’t think Hannah really reached out for help – I did. She was a kid, but she didn’t tell her parents any of what was happening, she didn’t confide in Tony, someone she seemed to trust with her story, or really anyone. She did go to the school counselor, and maybe they should be more trained. In the end though, I do believe she had the right to self-terminate. I believe in self-determination here. The concept of leaving the 13 tapes and passing them around… that is an interesting concept. I am not sure I believe it was an appropriate action. It was almost an act of bullying in and of itself. Anyway… the session continued…

I said that there was a list of topics in last session’s notes; you said yes you saw that. I said I didn’t have a copy of it but had a list I’d written up. I looked at the list and decided to talk about trust/lying around Wife. We talked about this for a little while. I brought up the information regarding the couple’s counselor. You didn’t have a lot to say here, and really neither did I.

I told you how Wife and I seemed to be struggling with connecting when we are talking. I told you about Sat, I had gotten up on Sat and went for my walk. I walked to Lowes rather than my usual path and it took longer than expected. By time I got home I was in a Meh mood. Wife wanted to make sure she left me in better space than the previous weekend so we talked. Through that conversation it felt like we were talking in circles and I didn’t have the energy for it. Then she made the comment about how feelings change as more information comes in, moment by moment. I stopped her there and said how that is why previous Thursday when she said that she was in it at the moment it caused problems because in a second it would be a new moment and she might not be in it (meaning the relationship). This clicked for her and she clarified that when she said in the moment, she meant that in that moment she had a handle on her own internal voices and issues – not weather she was in the relationship or not. This helped me have a better weekend, I think.

We started talking about how this whole thing with Wife is all what I am working on – the it’s ok to have wants, it’s ok to place my wants above another person’s wants, that having my wants met doesn’t mean someone will leave me. I’m not so sure about this. We talked about how 19 yrs is a long time for Wife to be used to things going one way and how me changing, no matter how much Wife says she wants me to have friends, she wants me to have my wants met, and stuff, the change in not getting her wants met could lead to the concept of me not loving her anymore because of me choosing my wants over hers.

I moved the conversation to touch. I started out saying that I wanted to talk about touch. I talked about it in terms of my relationship with Wife. I told you about how before your vacation there was a short period of time where Wife and I were… then I stuttered out … and paused, then you did some nonverbal communication that lead me to think that you understood where I was going with this. I continued by saying intimate, physically intimate several times. That things were good during that time period then your vacation came and I struggled. I talked more about this to let you know that Wife had come to think that I was out of everything and was more… and you said something that let me know that you understood that this is where the stability/instability started in Wife’s mind. I said that since then, I haven’t wanted to be touched or to touch in an adult way (sexual way). That my mind just isn’t going there. What I couldn’t say/didn’t say was how I wanted touch from mommy and you are that person to me – that Wife could not be mommy; she’s wife. Ultimately, I guess I’ll get to the place where I’ll want that type of touch but it won’t have to be from mommy to feel safe, to feel protected and loved (see here not protected, loved… but protected and loved as one thing together – a German word I’m sure exists to describe the feeling but it’s not just protected and not just loved). I said something, and you said it made sense that I wasn’t wanting that type of touch – that a 3rd grader just doesn’t even think in those terms. And you said something about the faucet being wide open. I said yes.

Eventually I said something about wanting to see if more touch could happen in session. You asked me something about this – like what would it look like. I smiled because however you phrased it was how I phrased it in my journal that I gave you today. I talked about the taking hand and leading. I said I’ve written about this and you nodded/said something that let me know that you knew what I was saying. I said that either you lead or me lead. Sometimes, I want you to lead, taking care of me, guiding me, keeping me safe through a journey, taking me to a safe space. Other times, I want to lead in that I’m all excited and I want you to come see, I want to show you something, I want you to come play with me. You said you’d think on it. I understand your reasoning and accepted your answer. Later I realized how much I felt like there was a level of power to this situation. Something to talk about at some point, you get to decide if you think it will be helpful or hurtful and I don’t have much in recourse or counter argument that I can do.

Somewhere in here I talked about what I had written a few weeks ago about growing up. I shared that I felt like I had been on the verge of something because of the shift from telling you not to push me to grow up – something that I’d been very adamant about to being excited about the prospect of growing up. I told you how I was thinking that “when I’m a big kid I get to do….”, “I’m not a big kid yet”, “when I get there I can do …” and how that was exciting. I also talked about how being in that head space it felt very weird to be crossing the road alone. I even went through the steps as adults/parents teach their kids to cross the road, the statements of looking and waiting and checking running through my head – all as if I don’t walk this path daily and cross the roads without thought. I don’t recall you commenting much during this period.

My alarm on my watch went off. Time was up. I quickly showed you the pictures. I showed you a picture of the note my mother sent me when I was in college and it was final exam time. The note started out strong (and you commented that it did) and ended with something that felt like a jab or threat. You asked me how it felt, and I said that I didn’t remember how it felt at the time but in reading it when I found it over the weekend, I thought… ‘geez, thanks mom’. I said how between things like this and my dad’s jokes, how these seeds get planted and they start growing and so on. I said how the many little instances like this add up.

I showed you the pictures of the sidewalk and told you about how I ended up finding them. You thought it was … yea, the universe talking or something… so did I. I jokingly said… that I thought “did Dr. S. come and do this”. You said you didn’t, I know you didn’t. Heck just the sheer fate of it all, if you can believe in that… this could almost get me to believe in fate or something because it was just too apropos for me. You were glad I took pictures of it and shared them with you.

I then showed you some art work that other people had shared with me. I tried to explain why I liked the first one. It’s so hard for me to describe why I like something sometimes. Sometimes it just is that it brings me peace, internal calmness. I went to show you the other one and I told you that this one reminds me of the dream. You asked about the one from the phone call. I said yeah, the one we don’t talk about. You said we didn’t have to talk about it. I showed you the picture – and you said the blood. I said yes and that was all that was talked about with it. I took the pictures back and folded them up into the journal. You said that you were glad/happy that I included a copy of the picture of the younger me in the mix.

I sat there debating with myself on say the ‘I love you’ or not. It wasn’t flowing from me; however, I had been thinking of doing it as part of a ritual to keep things connected to you. I finally said it and you said I know. Then you said that it was more than ok. I think I said the ‘I miss you’ and you replied ‘I know’. I finally headed out and you said something about having a good/safe walk home. I told you about going to the meet up, I couldn’t remember the name of the actual presentation - Neurobiology of Emotional Body Language with Brain and Cognitive Science Seminar.

I left session and walked to the meet up. Wife was supposed to meet me at the meet up but was running behind and discussed with me that she could stay home and put away her camp gear or go to the meet up. She thought I would be happier with her camp gear put away than for her to come to the meet up so that is what she did.

I'm glad you were able to shed a lot of internalised homophobia! That's one of my goals. I'm known among my straight friends as "loud and proud" (partly because I'm often the only LGB person they know as friend), but I really struggle with internalised homophobia.

I'm also seeing an LGBTQ-affirming counsellor who is a gay man (My regular therapist is a cis hetero woman) and I defined one of my goals to be accepting that I am bisexual. He was really understanding of LGBTQphobia, and very validating of my experiences of homophobia and biphobia (my former psychiatrist believes homophobia doesn't exist and suggested conversion therapy, and I've heard of counsellors being similar) and I'm looking forward to my second session with him.

I don't think I went through much internalized homophobia as I went through my coming out. Internally it actually helped me understand lots of things about myself. I did fear my parent's rejection.

I do think there is/was/is a level of transphobia inside me in the sense that I think people might think I am disgusting and won't want to touch me or be touched by me.
Most the time though, that is far in the back of my mind. And here I still fear my parent's rejection and have not shared with them the extent of my journey nor my true gender. I don't hide it, we just go on the "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Going through my therapy, I realized how much anger I felt towards the adults in my world for not explaining to me my sexuality and gender when everything was very confusing for me (puberty). I was just a kid, weren't they there to help me understand? And I'd justify their behaviors because of the geography and the time. I grew up in a small town, in the 70's. LGBT kids were sent to conversion therapy or to mental illness facilities during that time period. So, as I grew and understood myself, I tried to dismissed my feelings and absolved them of their behaviors. This did not allow me to feel the anger and hurt that the situation caused me.

I had all these feelings that didn't fit the body I was given. I kept trying to make myself be like other girls, to fit this body; it didn't work and it left lots of scars around my sexuality and gender.

In the end, I came to realize that I can't go back and make it what it should have been, I can't change what it was to what I wished it would have been... and yeah, I was not supported or guided through the process. That is my truth through that time period in my life and it is ok to feel that way.

QM, I'm sorry that you struggle with this part of yourself. I have heard of many others struggling, so though my story is different than yours, I know of many that have had to struggle with internal homophobia. That doesn't make it less of a struggle for you. Feel free to PM me at anytime if you want to talk offline about this more. If there is anything I can do to help you, let me know.

Current T was unexpectedly ridiculously sweet yesterday -- first session post vacation.

Asked why I didn't contact her when she was away although she'd offered (I'd actually told her I wouldn't -- so not sure why she thought I would).

And, then rather unexpectedly asked as to how I was feeling about all things C-ville -- she'd remembered my expressing fears that stuff like this would start to happen more often right after the election. At that time I distinctly felt like she thought I was exaggerating and being paranoid -- so, I'd stopped talking to her about any of it. So, I guess this was really unexpected -- that at some level, she "got" what I'd been trying to say back then. I made my usual jokes about seeing the paraphernalia out in greater numbers these last few months and wondered if it was also my confirmation bias at work -- she said that it's not like people didn't hold such beliefs before the election but that they were much more willing to express it now.

Not a great surprise though -- I continued and still continue to be mad at her. The anger seems to exist on a separate plane and doesn't stop me from showing up though -- at least not yet. She didn't seem to believe me when I told her how angry I was because I didn't look it. Ugh. It's like we're stuck until I explode again and then she'll find it too much and then the cycle starts again.

Lol, T started today's session by saying "play with m....play a game with me", think I preferred the original invite The session was almost fun

Not session, but phone call that I'd requested. (This will make up for my short IST post earlier this week!) MC called while I was sitting on the couch with H watching TV. H was like, "Go ahead and take it," as I said "I'll explain later!"

Went into the office and closed the door. MC (who was obviously driving) asked how I was doing, and I said OK and thanked him for calling and apologized for sending a rather harsh e-mail about not hearing from him since Monday. He said he was sorry if I felt abandoned, that it had been a really hectic week. I said it was also because of the topic, that it felt more like rejection because of the transference. But he said that as he's said before, it's always OK for me to e-mail, etc., but he can't guarantee how quickly he can reply. I said I knew that, but it just would have been good if he'd sent *something* responding to the texts, even just "Sorry, really busy, will get back to you when I can." He seemed to understand that.

He asked what I wanted to talk about. I said transference stuff, but I didn't know if I felt comfortable going into all of it right then. MC said I could talk about whatever I wanted. I said I guessed I could sort of talk about it. That I felt OK about the paternal stuff, but the other aspects worried me some, though it was hard for me to say why. Like, they seemed inappropriate.

He said (as he's said before) that how he is in session is not how he is in his real life. I said I knew that, how it would probably be exhausting to be like that all the time and would probably be really annoying to his family. He agreed, saying that it also wouldn't be healthy. He said in therapy, it's a unique relationship because it's all about the client and their thoughts and feelings. It's set up that way. And that it can be rather seductive in that way, because here is someone who will just sit there and focus on you and listen.

I said I'd talked to T about it Wed. and was wondering if it was possible that it (the erotic/romantic stuff) was all sort of a manifestation of the paternal transference. Like it got sort of jumbled up in my head. And also, what fantasies would I have regarding paternal transference? Him pushing me on a swing? Reading a story to me? Or holding me, but that's also one of the weird areas, where is it paternal or something else?

He said he guessed the swing and book thoughts made sense. But that there's often some overlap between paternal and romantic feelings. Mentioned the whole Oedipal thing that he'd talked about before. He said when you're a kid, it's typical to idealize your parents. And that can translate later to who you're attracted to, like people realizing "I married my mother," stuff like that. I said, "Could it also be about an idealized version of the parent, like what you wanted but didn't quite get?" And MC said, "Certainly." I said maybe that's what's going on here. And if so then maybe I'd feel OK talking about it a bit in session (like with H), if he could help explain how it's still mostly a paternal thing. He seemed open to that but said it was up to me.

He reiterated that there's nothing weird about having both paternal and romantic/erotic feelings for someone (unlike what T has implied!), how it's not incestuous, that it's actually fairly common. That there's nothing wrong with me for having those feelings. That I know his whole thing on feelings and emotions, how we can't control those. That we feel what we feel and there's nothing wrong with that. It's behaviors that we can control. I said I understood that.

He said how everyone experiences lust, that he does, that I do, and that's completely normal. That there's nothing wrong with having those kinds of thoughts. It's only if we act on them that it could be an issue. I said the problem is, I did act on that once (not with MC of course). He said but that was one time out of probably many hundreds of times I had those thoughts. That's not so bad. I said, "Yeah, and I learned from it." He said if it was more like 10% of the time I acted on it, that might be a problem.

I said I wondered if maybe part of why I had those feelings for him was that I knew he was "safe"--that nothing could happen there. He said that made sense.

He went on to say he can't really comment on the Catholic experience (he's Jewish), but he knows they tend to make people feel bad for what are totally normal feelings. I was like, "I'm technically Catholic, though just baptized, never took Communion or anything," and he replied, "Oh, so you get it then." I said maybe I just inherited the guilt part. He said, "You know I'm Jewish, I certainly know about guilt!"

He said he couldn't assign me to do Hail Marys, but he could tell me to eat chicken soup. I said, "Don't you mean matzoh ball soup?" and he said yeah. I was like, "I'd rather do the Hail Marys!" He replied, "Matzoh ball soup is good! Do you want to hear my explanation of why matzoh balls should be dense vs. chewy (or something like that)?" I said, "Not particularly," and he replied, "You made the right choice!"

We talked more about working through transference stuff. I said how T said I was trying to get to the bottom of the feelings, that I seemed to believe it would give me some answers about myself. MC said it's not that simple. Because that's thinking with logic, and that's not the language of emotions. That I probably can't think my way out of this one. That it's more about feelings.

He said working through transference can be about the relationship, about experiencing the feelings and the fear of abandonment or rejection, but then having it turn out to be OK. Being able to handle those strong feelings. I said I didn't feel like I did the best job of handling them this week, with all the texts, hurt/angry e-mail, but he said I did handle them. I said I guessed that expressing anger and hurt toward him was also part of the process, and then having it be OK, and he agreed. He said how that's more what working through transference is about, going through the feelings, rather than figuring it out with logic.

I said I'd have to go in a minute since it was my D's bedtime, so I'd have to read to her and then have her kick me out of the room, so she could read by herself. He said that was how it's supposed to be (I guess her being independent).

I said really quickly I wanted to share how I did on the GREs. He was surprised that I'd already have results, but you can get them for 2 of 3 sections if you take it electronically. He congratulated me multiple times, which felt nice (see: paternal transference).

I thanked him for calling and said the conversation helped. He said he was glad and that I needed to keep in mind one thing. I said, "What?" He replied, "That I don't know anything." I said, "Oh, I already knew that!" He laughed and said, "That's the right answer!" He said, "See you...Wednesday, right?" I said yes. He said "Take care," I said "Thanks again--you, too." Felt much better after that...

Well, that was a session. Long post incoming!

After payment, he asked where I wanted to start. I told him I didn't know and wasn't even sure why I was there. He asked about my phone call on Monday. He said there was some ambiguity as to whether I was there to terminate or continue treatment. I said I wasn't even sure yet, that for me it depended on how the session went. So he said that was a good place to start, to figure out what we were doing.

He asked about my feelings (because of course he did). I said I was angry, and he asked me to express the anger. I said that I had written him a letter, but that I didn't think it would be productive to share it. It was 5 handwritten pages of me telling him to go F himself, that he was an a-hole, etc.

So he challenged me to express the anger with out being an a-hole. I said that I felt like he had failed to perform the basic duties of his job. He referred back to my email last weekend and asked if that's what I meant by saying he was dismissive, which he took to mean a lack of empathy. I said no, that he had an ethical obligation to make sure that I was safe and he didn't do that. I told him about sitting in the buildings parking lot after our last session and seriously thinking of harming myself.

He said that he wasn't 100% sure what to do at the end of our last session. He said he could see that I was hurting because of the infertility issues, and that my unwillingness to unequivocally say that I wouldn't harm myself was concerning. But then he said he thought about the session he held me back because he was concerned I would hurt myself and my complete aversion to hospitalization. So he made a judgement call and thought that I would be okay.

I sighed and I said this whole thing was stupid. Who ever wants to be impatient in a psychiatric hospital? That sitting here was a waste of both of our time, and that we were both obviously done. I was ready to leave in that moment.

He said wait, what do you mean we're both done? I told him that he had been an a-hope ever since he had gotten back from his vacation. That he had made it abundantly clear that he had no desire to work with me anymore, as evidenced by our first session back after his vacation.

He said what he remembered about that session was me saying how painful the vacation was, how painful our looming termination was. So he had said that he mentioned my ability to work effectively with other clinicians as a way to reassure me that I could get better.

I told him that was dismissive and that was not what I needed. I was visibly frustrated. As a side note, I noticed that I spent the majority of our session with my body turned away from him. So I was sitting on the couch facing the window of ceiling most of the time.

He said then, obviously frustrated, grasping at straws, "what can I give you, then?"

I said "maybe there isn't anything that you can give me. Maybe this is why we shouldn't work together anymore."

He said, after a pause, that perhaps he should have said nothing in the prior session. That he should have just sat with me in that pain. I said maybe. I was so angry that it was hard for me to see that prior session clearly.

He said that typically anger is a secondary emotion. Was there anything else there? I said pain from rejection. That it hurt me that my experience of our relationship was so different than his. That I thought we had a good rapport, but that obviously I was wrong.

He said that wasn't true. He said that he enjoyed my intellect and my sense of humor. That he also felt that we at one time had a good therapeutic relationship, but recently it had been strained. He said he wished that we had more time to work together, but reaffirmed that he was solid in his decision to be taken off all insurance panels.

I told him about how I had seen his Psychology Today profile and felt that he was being incredibly deceptive by still advertising that he was accepting insurance. He said that he wasn't accepting any new clients and that he was in the process of updating all of the insurance companies. That he was going to do so by September.

He then said that he wanted to talk about pros and cons. I have essentially 3 options:

1. Discontinue therapy
2. Continue therapy with a different clinician.
3. He and I continue on our merry way until 2018.

I said I wanted to remove Option 1 from the table. He said that made him glad. I was going to start with the pros of Option 2 first, but as I was getting ready to start, I had made my decision.

I still discussed pros of both Options 2 and 3. He said that within our relationship, that two realities existed. The reality that there was closeness between us, and that the relationship existed within the confines of professional parameters. He was getting ready to talk about professional boundaries, and I stopped him. "Don't insult my intelligence. Don't patronize me." He said okay, that he was sorry.

He said with about 15 minutes left that he'd like to get me to agree to a session next week, since it didn't sound like we'd arrive at a solid decision by the end of the hour. I said no, I already knew what I wanted to do.

So RoboT and I are riding off into the sunset together. I know that this is going to be incredibly painful. But I can't shake the feeling that if I'm able to work through this with him that there could be some real life benefits on the other side.

He asked how I processed through that thought, just out of curiosity. I said a large part of it was internal.

He asked specifically about H, and I said that I don't discuss these things with him. That he doesn't understand and I feel dismissed by H at times. RoboT asked if H thought I should be in therapy, and I said yes, absolutely, but not with RoboT. H is not a fan. This made him laugh. I said that I think that H is slightly jealous of RoboT because there are things I told RoboT first. He said that made sense.

I don't remember how exactly it came up, but RoboT said around this time in session that he wasn't sure if I'd consider it, but that he thought I could make a good therapist one day. I said I had, but I didn't pursue it since I had to work through my stuff first. He said he agreed; the best therapists are the ones who are aware of their stuff and have dealt with it. I said i appreciated that about him. That he knew what his baggage was and didn't bring it into session often. He replied, "often?" Like he didn't know what I was talking about. I said the self-disclosure. "Oh, right. Of course."

T said hat if I could allow myself to work through whatever I'm projecting onto him that I may likely see the benefit of that in my daily life. He also said that he wished we have more time.

I said I was sad and afraid. That I'm walking a painful path alone. He said that's what we're going to work on. And that was the end of the session.

ETA: he walked me out today like old times. He told me that I did good work. I said thank you. He said he appreciated that and knew how difficult that was for me to say.

That sounds like a really productive session Daisy. I agree that working through it with RoboT has the potential to be really beneficial (though admittedly I only know part of your story).
I'm trudging through the relationship mud in therapy too at the moment so I empathise with how difficult and frustrating it can be. I hope it works out well. It sounds like you and RoboT both have the awareness and determination to make something of it.

I hope that you and your therapist are able to work through your mud as well, Spoon. What I do know of your story is that it would be difficult for me to.

I'm telling you that we could be twinsies! Lol. Sounded like a conglomeration of the last few sessions with my former T. Totally triggered, but I'm glad I found your update, because it allows these feelings to be brought up and for me to explore them.

Thank you for sharing!

8pm session so I'm super tired writing this. This was an extra session T agreed to because of the rupture.
First I talked about the physical pain I've been in as a result of stress over the rupture. Then I asked if he had any answers to my questions. He did kinda, but I didn't find them very satisfactory and I was frustrated because we seemed to be going round in circles again.
Then he started owning stuff. He agreed with me that when he said I want him to show me love, part of that feeling might come from his own desire to show me love. I said I don't mind owning part of that but it didn't feel like it was all me.
He said he had been confused by the affecting him thing because he thought he was restating something we already agreed about. I said but this feels more like you're suspicious of me. He said he thinks I could have picked up on something he's not aware of, seen as he can sometimes be paranoid and I grew up with a highly paranoid mother so I'm hypersensitive to it.
Then he started saying we don't know how the journey will be when I move and I interrupted him and said I wish he wouldn't go on about this, I already told him it won't change.
He said he totally owned the anxiety about the move and needs to work out where it comes from. Then he went wide eyed. I said "have you just worked out where it comes from?" He said "yeah. I am anxious because I don't want you to leave before I'm ready." He said that's interesting, and that it's never happened before (which is astounding given that he's been in practice 40 years). I said it was a good topic for supervision and he said definitely. I told him i love that he's so willing to reflect.
We looked at each other and he said "It feels a little better" I said "I think so too". I briefly told him about a job interview I had, then we hugged and I left.

I love that he was able to claim his agency in your rupture, Spoon. That is impressive considering how many therapists you read about on here that don't. I'm glad you're feeling a little better about where you stand.

Thanks Daisy, yeah he is very good at that usually. Im glad he started thinking about his part in it. I was worried at first as it still seemed fractious. But we pulled it around. There is still some work to do I think

Way to go, RS. You amaze me with your ability to know what's yours and what's not yours, and to take action, like leaving that first therapist and, now, being persistent and prodding with this one to get him to reflect. Of course, there are a lot of therapists who would refuse to self-reflect, but you had the sense to pick one who can and does. Go you!

T today...talked some about phone call with MC and how I felt it had helped me.

Which led to me saying to her (through tears) how it's difficult and rather confusing for me when she's critical of MC. I said it's almost like "Mom" being critical of "Dad." She said how she'd referred us to MC and that she wouldn't have done that if she didn't "trust and respect him." Then I said I guessed it was partly that she was trying to look out for me and my best interests. She said that was true and that sometimes she was concerned that it could go in a loop with me being dependent, and his responding, and getting stuck in that. Then she said, "I worry about dependency and codependency issues there." Which struck me rather oddly because that implies she's potentially labeling MC as being co-dependent... I probably should have pursued that more at the time with her, because I'm wondering what she meant in regard to his side of that.

I commented on how I'd sent multiple texts and a somewhat harsh e-mail (which I shared with T) to MC and was concerned I was being really annoying. T didn't really react to that, just sort of shrugged a little. I said I tend to worry because she said at one point that my e-mailing had gotten annoying. SHe said, "I never called it 'annoying.'" I said she had implied it by saying how my e-mails kept getting longer and longer and more and more frequent. She said that ethically, you're supposed to treat all clients equally, with equal time and attention. And she only has so much time. I said in the past, she'd said how only a couple of her clients e-mailed. She replied that even if they didn't e-mail, the equal time thing still applied. Which...is not something she'd mentioned before in terms of e-mail. So I felt kind of weird about that.

Talked a bit more about transference stuff from the call, etc. I said how it had helped me and that it helps to talk about that stuff with MC (this was mostly in relation to what he'd said in the call about how working through transference isn't so much about logic or figuring it out, but going through the feelings and emotions). That I know I'm supposed to be working on it with T instead, but I wasn't sure how much that was helping me. How I'll talk about it, and she'll seem sympathetic about it, maybe ask me a couple questions, but I'm not getting all that much insight. She said it's more for me to work on--that she thinks it *is* partly the logic, the figuring it out--and that I do much of that on my own time. So she could share ideas and theories and stuff (like maybe this is due to x from your childhood), but they might not be accurate because they're not coming from me. Which I can understand to some extent, but it still doesn't feel like talking about that with her is working/helping, aside from just being able to talk to *someone* about it. Especially when it's mixed in with her being critical of MC--she also said something negative today about his use of sports analogies.

We were about out of time, and I said how we'd already scheduled for two weeks from now. She was like, "That's right--have a great time on your vacation!" I said maybe I should have talked more about strategies for that (going with H, D, and my parents), but she was like, "No, just go and 'do you.'" As in be true to myself, don't worry so much about what my parents say/think. Which is easy for her to say!

The past few sessions, she's held out her arms for a hug at the end, but this time she didn't. I didn't ask for one either. The session had just felt a little weird to me...I don't know. Maybe having a few doubts about her again as my T...but I guess I have 2 weeks to think on it.

That equal time thing strikes me as weird. Shouldn't it be based on what the client needs? Sometimes when there is something big or difficult happening in my life, I contact my T for support fairly frequently. Other times I go months without talking to her outside session. I assume other clients who want/need that kind of contact do the same thing, and probably other clients don't want/need it at all. Why does it have to be strictly equal to be ethical?

I was quite removed in session today like I was a step back from myself. T told me we only have one or two more sessions left before termination. We talked about my fathers family. There is so much abuse in my family on every side and at every level. Sometimes it feels like everybody abused everybody. T was tearful about something but I don't know what. I wish I could remember more of my sessions.
At one point an internal part was very upset and was screaming out an abusers name but I don't accept that abuse happened. I don't even want to open that can of... velociraptors! T talked about some different abuse mentioned another time but I told her that was nothing. Because it was nothing. It was nothing but a drop in a very vast and lethal ocean. She seems to think it was important but it was so insignificant in the scheme of things. She has no idea.
Nor will she ever I suppose. Next session may be our last.

Thanks ruh roh T said that we might never be able to tell exactly what was mine and his in this rupture which is fine by me so long as I don't feel blamed for all of it.
I think I persist because I have high expectations of him because I know what he's capable of. I certainly made an effort to find a reflective therapist, but I never meant to get attached to him so I didn't know how important it would be.
It's good to feel we're hopefully headed out the other side of this rupture.

Today was my first time driving to T from new house. About half way I hit an absolutely horrendous storm. There was no visibility and the roads were starting to flood. It was so dark it looked like night.
The storm stretched all the way to his village and I ended up going in soaked (I was wearing flip flops too). T gave me a towel which was nice.
I asked him if he created the storm to prove me wrong when I said the drive would be fine.
We talked about moving and then a little bit about knowing he felt not ready for me to leave. He tried to clarify but I said he didn't need to, I understood and it was okay.
We talked about the rupture and my feeling resentful that I had to pay him extra for the extended session because it didn't seem fair. He said he was uncomfortable with that too especially as "much of it was [his] stuff". He said it's okay to renegotiate that because "fairness is more important than money" and he offered to knock the extra money off today's session. I said that's okay. I didn't want to renegotiate in hindsight. It was enough to acknowledge the unfairness.
We talked about lighter things like my upcoming trip, and then we had some eye contact. I found it really intense. I looked away and said "you have the best eyes. they make my heart race" and he smiled. I looked in his eyes again and jokingly said "stop it!" And he laughed. We hugged and said goodbye. It feels a good way to end before a break, after a difficult few weeks.

Talked on the phone for 15 min. It felt pointless and I ended the call