Mother says No to Family Therapy

My therapist suggested for my mum to join family therapy.
I said she wouldn't be interested, she reads self.help books for years but hasnt help her.

Anyway I asked her would she be interested and she said
"what for"? Angrily. I said in response "my therapist thought be good for our commutation" then with her reply she said "no,not really" and suddenly commented how she likes my belt.

I feel really hurt and.angry because she doesn't work through this. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this?

Sorry that happened, BlueJeans. When I was in therapy many years ago (my 2nd try at it), my t at the time suggested I bring my mother in because we'd been attempting to work on my mother issues. So I brought my mom to one session - and it was a waste of my time and money, because she basically sat there and lied her ***** off to my t about how perfect our family was, acting like she was this perfect little miss innocent mother, bla bla bla. I never could really talk to this t - I'm surprised we even got far enough for her to suggest bringing my mother in - but I tried it, it was a huge failure, and I didn't stay with that t much longer. I never told her why, I just stopped making appointments one day and never went back. I just couldn't open up to her.

She may have done you a favor by refusing - I know I wish my mother had said no. Then I would not have had to sit there and listen to her bald-face lie to the t. But I know it hurts and I'm sorry.

Im sorry to hear from your experience.
Yeah its not nice when your very own parent does that. You expect them to be honest, but for.some reason they find it difficult to be at fault.
Yeah one time my mum did come with but she put this fake mask on, for example it be good for me to move out and act as if she help me finding a job.
I had to tell my T in another session my mum doesn't help me with finding job. Only person was my sister.

Sorry your mom is being difficult. I guess there's not much you can do if she's stubborn.

I think you were very brave for asking her, though! I'm honestly too scared to ask my own parents because they're anti mental health. (I'm 26 right now and parents are in their 50s.)

I'm just curious -- has she ever tried therapy on her own, or has it been 100% self help books with her?

Another thought... I would not want my mother to come to therapy with me. To me, it would contaminate the "safe space". My mother also tends to co-opt things in my life if I let her in (like, when she visited I brought her to one of my favorite places... now she not only wants to go every time she's here, but she puts messages on her FB about how it's "our tradition" - it's not!)

Anyway, because of the "co-opting", if my mother had a chance to meet my therapist (and my mom is very personable and would no doubt make a great impression and be super chatty and friendly) - then I think she'd feel free to talk to me more about it. (Right now, she doesn't know I'm in therapy, so we don't talk about it). Like, she'd feel very comfortable using it in casual conversation ("so, how's therapy going? How is T doing? Did you talk to T about this and that?") and I think she might feel comfortable using it as fodder for conversations with others ("oh, my daughter is in T - it's so great that she's trying to get her life together, I really wish she'd get married and have some babies!")

So - I think not bringing family members in to therapy can be a good thing. Your therapy room should be a safe space that helps contain all your crap, and that can get blown away (in my opinion) by physically bringing other people into it, especially if those people don't respect you and your boundaries.

That doesn't seem like a very firm no.
Have you tried saying "I am asking you to go with me. I really want you to. It would mean a lot to me."
In other words, really pressing her?
And making it clear that this is not a therapist request, but your request?

I mean, you're angry at her, but you asked if she would be interested. She answered honestly. She is probably threatened/scared by the idea. That doesn't mean she flat out won't do it if you directly ask her to and make its clear it's your request.

I got my parent to do some things but I had to ask directly. I said something along the lines of "this is really hard for me to ask because I know you don't feel the way I do and I know you do not agree with this. I really would like you to do x. Because I am worried and this would make me feel a lot better."
I was surprised to get instant agreement. Astonished, really.
I think what helped was saying first that "this is really hard for me to ask"
It was true. It was also me taking the risk of being vulnerable first.
I think you are mad at your mom because you think her lack of interest indicates lack of care but I'll bet she is terrified by the idea and since you gave her an out she took it. Then she complimented you to try to show she does care for you.
If this is something you want maybe try again....

I mean, it just seems from your post that both you and your mom were being very indirect. You did not directly ask. You did not directly say you wanted her to. She also was not direct. She did not directly answer your unspoken request and she indirectly expressed affection for you.

If you want to improve communication here is one example you could tackle on your own. If you directly ask and she says no then you could say, "well that really hurts me." Because the anger you felt really is a reaction to hurt feelings. But, maybe she will say ok.

I think OP's request was direct enough --

"Would you be interested in coming to therapy with me?"

"What for?"

"Therapist thinks it will improve communication".

"No, not really".

I mean, how much more direct can one get between adults without a sense of coercion coming into play?

At this point, if OP still insists on her mother coming in for therapy, she'll be going against her mother's expressed wishes that she doesn't want to do it and sees no point in it. Sure, her mother could still agree but there's a strong likelihood of her feeling coerced (and the consequent impact on OP and the ensuing therapy session is not hard to foresee).

I also don't think that the comment about the belt is necessarily a sign of her mother caring. One could easily read it as deflection and manipulation.

Then again, maybe I'm being cynical -- only OP knows the spoken and unspoken dynamics best.

Well yeah I thought I asked directly.
She even spoke to her friend she told me, so she knew what I mean. My mother told me that her friend told her to be careful because they blame her. Im thinking,thats not what its about.
So I feel I just give up the relationship with my mum,since she doesn't want to put the effort in.

She never try thearpy on her own, just self help books.

You asked if she would be "interested."
She knows the issue has been raised but you have not been direct about how important this is to you and what you want.

Telling someone how you feel and making a request is not"coercion." It is honest.

Frankly change in relationships is very hard. Someone has to apply some pressure. Right now you seem angry and feeling hurt. But it also seems like you are not willing to push it. Which makes me wonder if you yourself may have some trepidation about this and maybe some part of you feels relieved for her not to come. After all, it's easier if she does not. It's easier for you not to assert yourself here. I don't know if you are ambivalent but if You are, you should own your part of it and not just put the blame on her.

You could push this if you wanted. You could tell her how you really feel, and acknowledge her concerns, and make the direct request.

I know it's hard. It took me two years to work up to doing something like this. But it worked.

I hope you don't feel like I am unsympathetic to you. I hope I am not coming across as critical. I just know from experience that dealing with parents who traffic in denial is really, really hard. You have to go into it ready to shake things up and risk rocking the boat. You have to change your M. O. To force them to change.
"Mom, I could understand being uncertain about seeing a therapist with me. But I really think it could help us be closer. I really want you to come with me. It would mean a lot to me if you would. Will you please come, at least once?"
I mean, I imagine you are a pretty important person in her life. You have some power here.
And if she still says no, then you know you really tried.