Need support - losing my identity

I posted this in the BPD forum, but I am also posting here because I'm feeling so alone and needy and desperate for people to be with me right now. I'm sorry for carrying on about this situation. I just can't be alone right now.

I’m adjusting to losing my therapist, and I realized that I’ve had large parts of my identity wrapped around what I thought he liked. I presented myself the way I thought he would find intriguing, even when I wasn’t around him and had no expectation of seeing him. All the time, I thought about how I would appear to him. It wasn’t strictly about being like him, it was strategic opposites too, things I hoped he would see as wrong that needed fixing.

This morning, I stared into my closet and realized I don’t know what kind of clothes I like. Shoes in particular, I bought them because I thought he would like them. My clothes don’t feel like they are mine. There are so many things I chose based on his preferences: journals, planners, glasses, handbags, water bottles, nail polish, jewelry, pens. In a way I feel free now, I can choose what I like, but I don’t know what I like. I’m not just losing him, I’m losing me.

I wonder what the next person will be like and whether I will grow attached to them. I wonder what kind of shoes they like. But what kind of shoes do I like? Me, actual me. Can my next journal have flowers on it? Would that be okay? Can I scratch the idea of getting a tattoo like his wife’s?

I feel lost at sea. I don’t know who I am without an anchor.

It has always been this way. One person after another.

Blaire, I did this too, for a very long time. Not with Ts, but there was always someone.

Current Ts are helping me identify more strongly with myself so that I can break free. I have things now, clothes, decor, etc that are "their style" but rather than having these things to meld with them, as I did in the past, it is more to remind me of the skills they taught me and to evoke a certain atmosphere.

I hope you can discover your center. It's in there somewhere.

Hi.
I am 4 months into losing my therapist to whom I was overly attached and who was my anchor and a part of my identity.

Don't try to make sense of anything right now. You're going to grieve. Don't try to avoid the grief. Try to make yourself safe while you grieve. Find support - preferably multiple suppliers of support so that you are not getting it all from one place.

Eat well, sleep, get medication if you need to, be gentle with yourself. Do things that comfort you. Spoil yourself a little.

I know you feel like you are dying, but I'm here to tell you that you will survive this. There will come a day when you feel better. I promise. But, don't rush it. Don't set a timeline for yourself. It's going to hurt for as long as it hurts. Some days may be better than others. The grief may come and go... you may think you're done with it, and it will wallop you suddenly again.

That's ok. That's grieving. It's going to be ok. Come here. Lean on a new therapist. Maybe find a therapy group you could join as well. (These are all things I did, thus why I suggest them.) Spread your arms out looking for that support.

I have similar issues, with losing myself. Not only with therapists but anyone really. But especially people close to me...
My self image changes a lot depending who I am with, or, who I'm obsessed with.
But yeah, there is a center, a "real me" somewhere...hopefully.
With my T, I've found myself thinking about stuff I assume he's into all the time...and then I've realised that I 've been doing this all my life with people...Even changing my belief system based on this.
What sucks is that I seem unable to talk with my T about perspectives he might not agree with. But I'd need to because it's my therapy..
I understand it's a difficult time for you, so be gentle with yourself

I also did something similar when I was younger. Twenty-one years ago I had a $600 Japanese coach, because that was the same one a former therapist had twenty years ago. But, I wised up and wanted to spend my money differently. I was no longer a fashion Queen, it was back to Lands End, LLBean, and Eddie Bauer style. Interesting enough, the therapist that I credit with helping me out of my quagmire had the same style. Their things last forever, so we rarely by new clothes.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Attachment is not a bad thing if you are wanting to change your attachment style, but it is important to have a therapist that has done their own work and can be there for you. It made my therapist angry and sad (~5 years ago), when I would tell her about people on this forum being terminated and referred to other programs, especially DBT. "When the the therapist hasn't anything left in their toolbox, they tranfer them out, and that they might be willing to take them back in two years, makes me sad and angry. They haven't done their own work. But, I can just do what I do and what I can for my clients."

Try to make sure the therapist and program you choose are solid. Good luck to you.