list im terrified to give to T

before she told me she was planning on leaving we talked about me living my truth and to what i want out of live and T. this had lead me to making a list of things i felt i needed to work on. i held on to it because i thought she would think it stupid and unattainable. way to much . then she informed me she was planning on leaving and it all just became unimportant . i know as usual i had wasted my time with a good therapist and now it is all going away. last week i had told her about the list and she said i could bring it in and give it To her . but i had warned her it is to much but she still wants to see it .is it stupid and to much .
1.gain confidence
not feel everyone hates me, not care if they do.
know and feel I am a good person.
to just be ok with my life and who I am.
to not fear interaction so much.
To realize that not everyone has selfish motives.
I,m not always a selfish spoiled brat.
2. deal with the issues around the mother
deal with the fact that she sucks.
to walk away from her and not feel like a horrible person.
to be able to just talk to someone about what went on, to
talk about the things that she did and how I feel about it .i
have never been able to do this but I just don’t want to feel so alone about it and it being such a big secrete.
To not have what went on be in my head all the time making
Me feel horrible and unable to deal .
3. to accept the fact that my whole family sucks .
stop trying to be what they want me to be.
Stop trying to please them.
To truly feel it isn’t me that is just a miserable failure in life
and unworthy of acceptance from any of them.
4. To talk about what happened with the baby sitter(cant even type it)
feel.
To not feel so humiliated and ashamed about it every time the thoughts enter my head and take over, I just want to hide
To truly feel it was not my fault and I was not the ***** the mother said I was.
5. How much I screwed up my brother’s life.
I feel like such a horrible person for the pain I caused him.
6. My husband and son
To know they love me.
To accept im a good mom and did the best I could
To know im not a piece of trash to my husband that I deserve him.
Again to be able to just talk about what went on and how it made me feel.

The list is not stupid! I encourage you to show it to your t, even if she is leaving. Perhaps she can help you feel confident to show this to your next t (I forget the timeline for when your current t is leaving, sorry)

Granite, I think this is a great list! Not stupid and not too much. I think it's kind of a beautiful outline of your hopes. Even that you can articulate it all so clearly- that's amazing. You have worked so hard, granite! I am really sorry your therapist is leaving but I think you can bring all this effort along with you.

i think she is leaving in 6 months. the first of the year.

(((Granite))) i was terrified to read your list! But now i see its what youve been working on the whole time ive known you here. ime, even after they're dead, it takes a while to get your mother out of your head, esp when they have "surrogates", like trump! granite, we just love you soooo much

I think it's a good list. And I think focusing on #1 on there would help you with a lot of the other items. Also, focusing on some of the others items would help you with #1. I guess I'm saying there's lots of overlap, so it's probably not insurmountable to work on at least a few of those goals in 6 months.

i know i have been working on some of it .but my T knows very little about what went on and my feelings .i have barely talked at all about what happened just in small amounts. there is so much more .

Yeah but it sounds like, from your list, that you are a lot more organized about it. Like your brain HAS been rewired. You have put in a lot of work over the past several years, with your t, with your art, with your son, with your health, and a continuing longterm relationship with your buds on pc. Some major obstacles and accomplishments. Dude you rock. You deserve a graduation celebration. Take stock of where you are. Maybe not the top of Mt Everest, but 4th base camp

Even having the insight to be able to make the list, to know what you need, is massive! Give yourself a big pat on the back for getting that far already.

I encourage you to give the list to your therapist. It's great that you have therapy goals. Best wishes.

This list is fantastic, and I bet your T will agree. I know your T doesn't know a lot of what happened, but she knows you were horrifically abused. This is such a wonderful list to show her, that you DO have hope, and deep down you know you need to walk away from your family. I hope you can show it to T!

thanks everyone. i ended up giving her the list. it was so hard because at first she insisted that i read it . i was so terrified to do that. to have the words come out of my mouth was way to hard.i explained this to her and she offered to do it with me . she asked me to do things step by step. take out the list,open the paper,then read the first one. it took a bit but then my T took over and read some of it out loud and to herself, i know that i have been working on some of the stuff but she seemed to think i have worked on all of it . i know a lot of it was how i was hearing things but she seemed very dismissive of a lot of it . i dont know if it because she is leaving or she really feels this way . i dont feel like i have worked on it at the same level as she does . it seemed as she read through the list she had a lot of plain stalk answers . like you need to forgive yourself,these are questions everyone has. etc... the more she did this the less engaged i became . i was again devastated . i just dont understand . when she got to the one about the SA she just said we are going to put that one aside for now . we talked a lot about the husband and son one .and then she was like we talked about that .but gave me nothing about how to change it . she came up with some reasons for why i might be feeling this way that made sense. how i grew up with nothing from the mother and a lot of people are unable to feel love etc..but again no solutions . the stuff about my brother she said we have talked about him and that i refuse to accept her version of what went on . the thing is i need to talk about these things more then just a session , and it is done . i wanted to say so i guess im done with therapy and walk out . in the end she said she felt this list was good,that i realized she is leaving and so wrote this list to see what i wanted to work on .she also felt it was very mature of me to be able to do this . after all this she asked me in the end how i felt about the list . i said you are leaving and i know that the list is too much . i told her i felt that maybe i had talked to her bout a lot of stuff on that list but that in reality it is just a drop in the ocean. that the things i talked to her about the mother doing to me was nothing that there was so much more . im not sure if she gets it . then she started talking to me about the memories .i guess she trained with the dr that discovered emdr and was thinking that may help me with that if we gave that a try . the thing is i dont believe in it . she said i could take a memory i want to change and replace it with something else . i have way to many memories .

(((Granite))) i saw my first long term t for fifteen years, from start to end, mostly on but some years off, thru the 70's-80's. She died rather young a few years later.

I think, if parents give their kids a good foundation, it lasts a lifetime. But other effects can last a freakin long time too. Like they say, an elephant never forgets.

I'm not sure if it was dismissive, but maybe that she is trying to give you credit where credit is due. I think with the SA stuff, she knows it will be extremely triggering, and maybe feels you aren't ready to delve into that? If you disagree, tell her. I also don't think she thinks "Well, we talked about the list, so that's done!"

I've mentioned a few times that I think you should try EMDR. You don't need to believe in it for it to work. You also don't need to actually talk about all the trauma- that is the benefit of it. Not saying it will be easy, but if she trained w the founder, that means she is well-qualified. I would think more seriously on it. What do you have to lose at this point?