[UpDownAround]

I saw a therapist yesterday for the first time in a long while. It is also the first time I am trying to work on real root causes. I usually went to Ts about issues at home and/or work, gave them my side of the story and generally got a sympathetic ear and sounding board.
This time I scoured listings and reviews looking for expertise in mood disorders. I found it; she is a walking encyclopedia and connected some dots that I had seen as separate data points in a way that made sense. She wants to educate me about my disorder. I feel pretty confident in her ability to help me identify which things I can change, which I must avoid, which I can work around and what I must accept.
She's not quite cold, but definitely detached to some degree. I didn't get the warm fuzzy that usually comes with counseling. I did tell her some dark secrets that I wouldn't expect to be met with much understanding. She is pushing me out of my comfort zone to help me change, not warming up to me as I am. I think that's okay, maybe even good. But it is different than I am used to.
I am going weekly to start and will give it two or three sessions to see where it is going and how I like this approach. I do need more than a sympathetic ear.

[Out There]

Sounds good - it's something I've felt with my own T in progression , like yes , you're in pain and then moving on to things when the pain lessens , to get to the roots. Hard work and takes courage.

[Swimmersusan]

I think everyone is different in what they need/want. I personally like balance the two, sometimes I kinda wanna hear where and what I'm going wrong to be able to correct my way of behaving/thinking, but I suppose after a bit of tough talk I kinda need the sympathetic ear style!

Empathy has been proven as the biggest factor in successful therapy along with the relationship. I don't hear either of those happening with this t but it is early days.
Did you name being educated on your personality order as one of your goals when starting therapy? If not, I would not continue with her. This sounds very much about her agenda.
I prefer coddling but that's just my opinion.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Empathy has been proven as the biggest factor in successful therapy along with the relationship. I don't hear either of those happening with this t but it is early days.
Did you name being educated on your personality order as one of your goals when starting therapy? If not, I would not continue with her. This sounds very much about her agenda.
I prefer coddling but that's just my opinion.

I went poking around and found a study that shows just what you are talking about. But while discussing this with someone else, I realized I can't judge too harshly because I was burying her with an avalanche of personal information which I delivered in a very dispassionate way. I may have even smirked a bit while talking about things I should not be proud of or chuckle at.
I asked for advice on what the best way to proceed is. I have never really used a therapist to fix anything outside of one short stint in couples counseling and that was very different; the therapist was more like an arbitrator between my wife and I. I liked the suggestion that I learn more about it and have the "why" behind the "what" I should do to cope better.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing- looking for a type of therapy which will best meet your needs, trying it out and seeing how it goes. I know it's not a type of therapy that would work for me (I need that fuzziness!) but it sounds like you have a good idea of what you need. Good luck, I hope it works out.

[Moment]

My own highly empathetic therapist seemed pretty reserved and maybe even "cold" the first few times we met. He was not oozing sympathy even though I told him some pretty heavy stuff. I think it was good, honestly. Anything else would have seemed fake to me, so early in our relationship.

Now that I know him better and can read him better, I see that he was holding himself very still in our early sessions, and containing his own emotional responses to what I said. I think that good therapists see the beginning of the therapy relationship as potentially fragile and they act cautiously and deliberately. I liked that. I didn't want someone overly familiar or emoting all over the place.

I think the most important thing you said was "I feel pretty confident in her ability" and your sense that she evokes feelings of "competence." The ability of a therapist to generate a feeling of hope for change is hugely important, especially early on.

I think if you want to go deeper, to real root causes, and not just deal with day-to-day issues, one thing you could do is examine your interactions with this therapist. You could say, "You know, thinking about talking to you last time, I realize I was smirking when I talked about certain things." And talk about how you feel about that--how you feel about the smirking, why you think you were smirking, how you imagine she might have felt hearing about those things, how it was for you to share that stuff with her. To me, the least useful stuff in therapy is talking about the day-to-day events. What seems to stir up the most in me is talking about the stuff that actually happens in the room, even seemingly small stuff. It's way more intense. Good luck to you!

[stopdog]

I really do not look at the choice as being between competence and coddling. First, I have never thought of a therapist as coddling at all. Second - competent or at least not incompetent would seem to me to be the bare minimum for one of those guys to get hired by me. I don't go to a therapist to get beaten up or pushed - I do not respond well to either. I will do something in my own time - not that of a therapist.

[UpDownAround]

@Moment you make some very good points.

Anything else would have seemed fake to me, so early in our relationship.

The only caveat to that would be if you said something that was hard and you had trouble getting the words out. That didn't happen. There were a few times when I bordered on being apologetic by saying "I don't know why my mind goes there, but it does."

he was holding himself very still in our early sessions, and containing his own emotional responses

I am waiting at least another session, maybe more to judge this.

The ability of a therapist to generate a feeling of hope for change is hugely important, especially early on.

Yes, that happened.

how you feel about the smirking, why you think you were smirking

I actually got into that. It was when I talked about where my mind goes I also said I don't understand why I feel good about it, but I do. That is some of the heavy lifting that needs to be done; addressing what drives me to want to do things. She has expertise in mood disorders and substance abuse, but she wants to concentrate on the mood disorder (bipolar) first. As long as I don't fall off the wagon (one month and counting) she wants to keep it in the mix with other behaviors I cannot rationally defend but still feel drawn to do.

The other thing is that I was probably speaking for 45 minutes of the hour, maybe even 50. I have some issues and most are not new. The earliest relevant event I mentioned was from 48 years ago. I had my first drink in 1969 at age 10. I am hopeful that I had my last on Jun 25th of this year. Some hard work to do.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I really do not look at the choice as being between competence and coddling. First, I have never thought of a therapist as coddling at all. Second - competent or at least not incompetent would seem to me to be the bare minimum for one of those guys to get hired by me. I don't go to a therapist to get beaten up or pushed - I do not respond well to either. I will do something in my own time - not that of a therapist.

I think I need push sometimes. I also need to be challenged sometimes.

I have absolutely had some coddling "therapists". I quoted that because they were more like counselors.

I don't think I could see a therapist that considered competence and coddling mutually exclusive. At times I needed one over the other or both at the same time. I see it as my therapist job to figure it out. If they are wrong in the moment I have no issue with pointing out what I need. We may disagree, but the discussion becomes a part of my process.