Differences btwn therapy & real relationships

People say that therapy and real relationships are basically the same, and that termination is like a break-up and so on. I see fundamental differences. In real-world intimate relationships:

1) There is no direct payment for services.

2) One does not enter into it with the explicit goal of healing or receiving treatment or being re-parented.

3) One is not drawn into attachment or dependency, then prohibited from having proximity to the attachment figure beyond an hour or two per week.

4) The relationship is not rationed into brief, tightly controlled time blocks.

5) The other person has not been granted the power to diagnose.

6) The other person is not relating to you in a scripted or studied way, based on psychological theories and techniques.

7) The other person is not in a socially and professionally codified position of authority and power.

8) There isn't an ever-present threat of being "terminated", which i think carries a very different meaning than the possibility of a real-world relationship ending.

9) One is not coaxed into trusting the other so soon, with so little information, and with so much on the line (likely in a crisis state).

10) There isn't generally such absolute seclusion.

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Therapy betrayal and wounding has its own flavor and its own brutality and that ought to be emphasized, not downplayed. In my opinion. I observe that sometimes when people are told there really is no difference, they begin to question their sanity.

Now, having been on "that" side of things and ended things w/my former T, I won't liken a therapeutic to a "real-life" relationship again. I think I wanted to believe that, simply because I was attached, but after all is said and done, she takes off her work face and goes home to her family and loved ones, while I long for her back in my regular life.

It's a business relationship. A transaction. The relationship stops, usually, when the money does. Just like with a business relationship, there can and probably are some mutual pleasantries. I like my hairdresser, we have a great time while I'm there, but I've yet to ever hang out with her. My aunt has been the manager at the same bank for over 15 years; her customers remember her b-day, anniversary and bring her gifts for those occasions and holidays, but she's only hung out with one customer and that ended poorly, so she refrains from doing it again. We were talking about how she's friendly and jovial with her customers and she does care about them and would notice if they stopped coming in, but she's not friends with them. There's the duality in that...you can be friendly, notice their presence, but still not be part of their usual life.

It's an odd situation, when I focus too much on it and when I try and dissect the relationship with my ex-T...things get blurry and hazy and bleed over into each other. The relationship is complex.

That's my opinion and perception.

It is a business arrangement in my opinion.

Therapy is not at all like a "real" relationship. Of course there are differences.

I consider therapy as a unique relationship rather than an unreal one. But I find the uniqueness of the therapy relationship helpful, and the differences useful. I have a lot of friends, for example, but I feel like I can't burden them with all that grief and trauma that I can totally load up my therapist with. I love my friends and family, but they have never helped me very much in dealing with such matters. Perhaps this is some failing in how I relate to them, but I think in general people aren't great with dealing with serious loss until they have experienced it themselves, and most of my friends haven't dealt with the kind of losses I have. My therapist has managed to make himself very useful in dealing with all this, however.

I wouldn't gloss over the problematic aspects of therapy for some people, but for me it's the differences that make the whole construct useful.

I don't have to care about the T's feelings, issues, problems. I don't ask about them, he doesn't talk about them. It's artificial but very liberating. For me, anyway. Others can feel differently and that is fine.

IVe never heard that therapy relationships and other real life relationships are the same. It seems obvious to me that there are differences.

I can think of lots more:

- in any other relationship than a therapy relationship or a child/caregiver relationship, you practice turn-taking in conversation. You share interest and enjoy each other's company, but you would never usually speak about yourself only for 50 minutes, bar some kind of emergency situation.
- People don't list themselves in directories or advertise on internet to recruit friends. Internet dating sites look quite a lot different to therapist websites.
- You don't study and receive a specific qualification which qualifies you for friendships or romantic relationships. You don't check with others whether they are qualified to be a friend or a romantic partner.
- Most people do not have a time-oriented goal in their mind in which they are going to try to intervene in other people's lives, in their real life relationships, in order to try to resolve perceived problems. We might of course be supportive, or be helpful when we are asked to do something the other person finds specifically supportive or which we realise we could do. But we don't approach life with the basic assumption that this is what our role in Other's lives consists of, and neither do other people. (I said most - because I think there are some people who DO approach real life relationships like this, but between adults it is generally seen to be not a very healthy approach - codependency and so on).
- GPs don't keep a list of qualified friends, to refer people to if they feel lonely.
- Clinical advisory bodies such as NICE in the UK don't regularly publish guidance on what is seen to be the best type of real life relationship for different people. Of course they would point out that this is because people's real-life relationships are not being funded by the NHS...

Clearly the list could go on for a long time.

Having said that, I do get where the confusion arises for us the clients - because our emotions are our emotions, and they are often fully involved in a therapeutic relationship, as they would be in a close friendship or a romantic relationship. And yet the therepeutic relationship is also a business transaction and a part of the therapist's career and their job. I think emotionally that does get confusing. Add to that the fact that for some people like myself it's really the first experience of a relationship where the other person is consistently kind and caring. It can feel confusing. I was speaking to my T about this just the other day. He agreed that the therepeutic relationship can feel confusing, especially where the client has no previous experience of a caring relationship.

I have never heard therapeutic relationships are the same either. It would seem silly to presume that they are to me.

I think those differences are fairly apparent to anyone (though I would argue that it is a 'real' relationship, albeit a very particular one).
Also, I agree with you that the pain of harm in therapy is all too often downplayed, especially in the profession (the further into the therapy world I step the more aghast I become at some of the attitudes I find) and should be highlighted a lot more. Due to the intensity of the relationship and the manner in which it can reopen old wounds, there is real potential for harm, and this needs to be openly acknowledged.

Thinking more about my relationship with my own therapist... I hire her for her psychological expertise. She is specifically trained in treating trauma and she has the skills to recognize and guide me through my triggers and physiological trauma responses. I have to have a sufficient relationship with her in order to trust her enough to be vulnerable with her and i do trust her. She is very good at the things I need her to be able to do.
Because i have a history of trauma and also attachment trauma and because i am sharing vulnerable aspects of me with her there are attachment issues involved. But she is able to support me with that too while maintaining the therapeutic boundaries. i know that the space of that hour a week is our space to work. I appreciate the boundaries and limits of the therapeutic relationship. They are what makes the work safe for me.
That is the reality of the therapeutic relationship for me. What happens in that hour is authentic for me and it is contained within that space. my therapist does her job and she does it well. She is hired to help me with those specific things I need help with and I trust her to work within the treatment frame to help me to the things I need to do.
It is a relationship that is different to any other. It demands emotional intimacy but has strong boundaries around it. It might seem like an oxymoron to some but it is the intimacy within those boundaries that enable meaningful change to occur.

I don't know anybody who believes that therapy and real-life relationships are the same. Like others pointed out, it's a business relationship. Expecting more than that is misguided. And yes it is artificial but that is why it is helpful imo. I don't have to care about my therapist, about her life, her problems. That is why I pay her: to keep her **** out of my session. I know three people who are in therapy (my girlfriend and two friends). They are not attached. They go in, talk about whatever they wanna talk about and then leave. Not every client gets attached or even wants to be attached. And this idea that therapy is about being re-parented is laughable. In my country, reparenting is not practiced. Your idea of therapy is not universal at all.

When people say that therapy and real relationships are basically the same, I take it to mean that it applies to certain aspects such as these: If you owe the person money, then you pay it in a timely manner. If you were rude or mean to the other person, then you apologize. If you got upset or angry with something the other person said or did, then you talk about it and try to work it out. If you appreciate something the other person said or did for you, then you let them know you are grateful by thanking them. Both parties need to be respectful of each other's time and resources. There has to be a degree of trust on the part of both people. I am sure there are many more examples.

In other words, it's all about the things that go both ways in therapeutic and real life relationships. Other than that, yes, there are differences. Then again not all of our real life relationships operate in the exact same manner either, therefore, we adjust our behavior accordingly.

Elements of beauty and joy can be found and experienced in all types of relationshops, including the therapeutic relationship. For me, it's no less important than any of my other real life relationships.

My last therapist did seem to be of the "school" that the therapy relationship with her could model a "good", "healthy" that could be a healing, growing experience for me.

And in some ways that seemed OK. But what happened at the end was that a negative transference was evoked, based on my unfinished, relationally traumatic experiences early in my life, and she could not tolerate that.

There are too many stories here of how this idea has gone wrong, not just with me, and I'm guessing it's another fad that will go by the wayside in a few years.

None of the therapists had that view 50 years ago or even 20. It seems to have just come about, I believe, because attachment research in children seems very well-founded. But the leap from that to "attachment therapy" in adults seems very large. And unfounded, like recovering "repressed memories" of abuse was 20 years ago. Remember some of the harm that did?

Obviously there are differences, but I have seen people here (a few times this week) and elsewhere suggest that therapy and other relationships are basically same in terms of potential for bad endings, betrayal, hurt, rejection, etc.

When someone reports that therapy has ruined them, there are standard rationalizations given... e.g. nothing lasts forever, relationships are hard, therapists are only human, you can't really trust anyone. Have seen it over and over.

Rarely does anyone say -- you are hurt, partly or largely, because the unique nature and structure of therapy is such that serious emotional pain is a high probability outcome.

When therapy is being talked up, the differences are emphasized, though only those differences that help sell it -- e.g. it's a safe space, all about you, therapists are well-trained, therapists don't judge.

I consider those differences to be mostly pure bullsh*t, and the differences that matter are those that are not acknowledged and that lead directly to damaging effects.

In most business relationships the professional is not selling things like love, corrective emotional experience, trauma healing.

I get that some use therapists as a sort of psych consultant, but I don't see how this is in any way a business transaction. It's still based on emotional disclosure and pretty intense intimacy and vulnerability.

I dont think the issue is that clients are expecting the wrong thing, it's that therapists are selling it.

I personally have never seen a therapist that was selling love or a corrective emotional experience. My therapist is really good at helping me understand and deal with the developmental effects of trauma though. I would never see a "therapist" selling love or a corrective emotional experience.

Maybe that isn't the experience of most therapy clients so the statement isn't true for them.
But that doesn't negate the fact that serious emotional pain is an outcome of therapy SOME of the time and when it does happen it is really really damaging. I am sorry it was so very damaging for you.

Ok that's fine, but that doesn't change the fact that much of the biz talks about using "love" or "attachment" or "positive regard" or something close to that to heal their customers. My point was that this is not the stuff of business relationships.

Big Daddy Freud himself said: "psychoanalysis is in essence a cure through love."

Nobody knows. Judging by what is said on this forum though, would be totally reasonable to conclude that therapy itself is driving a lot of suffering.

My point was that the unique structure of therapy is precisely the thing that can ruin people, and this possibility is rarely even mentioned. Instead therapy is conflated with all sorts of other things and then it's all a muddle and therapy as a system is off the hook.

But generally people complain more than they praise. That's human nature. The people on this forum cannot be generalized to the general therapy client. Considering these forums also only show one very biased side, I'd be hard pressed to use it as any sort of research information.

So, to your point that therapy can cause suffering being rarely mentioned, I imagine that is so because it so rarely happens and that the simpler reason for the suffering is probably closer to being correct.

If, to your point, therapy was causing significant amount of suffering for a significant amount of people, what would be your solution?