[GoingInside]

It's a very long read although it's not as shocking as other stories I've seen(thank goodness), still it was surprising for me to notice how different my doctor may have been from what I perceived him to be. I'll just post some quotes so you won't have to scroll the whole thing and in case you want to read it, just visit my abandoned tumblr
musicqc. tumblr. com/post/164883484990/former-psychiatrist
if you want to read it all. I can't post links here in the forum yet, I have made this account some time ago but mostly I just read. I've been doing lots of readings lately trying to understand what's transference and countertransference.

I’m honestly thinking, was wrong with you, dude? Suggesting a book that could be a trigger early in treatment, building my confidence up and them tearing me down, wanting me to join your profession, wanting me to learn your family’s language, pretty much teaching me how easily a fatal overdose could be achieved… I’m shocked how a single book managed to make me see him in a completely different light now that I tried to reassess my memories of him.

When I first met this doctor(male), I was pretty much insane. It was during my last manic episode in 2010. I was officially diagnosed back in 2006 by another psychiatrist(female) and was being treated for depression since 2005 until I was prescribed Citalopram (after Clonazepam and Paroxetine had no effect) by a neurologist that made my first manic episode ever happen leading to me being sent to a mental institution for almost 2 months where I received the diagnosis.

You may be wondering, why just now write about this psychiatrist? Well, because he recommended me a book back then and I ignored his suggestion and without my knowledge my quite intrusive mother bought it. However, she ended up reading other stuff and the book was left in the shelf for many years.

“Oh, you like books? I have one for you.” And he just wrote it down in the back of my meds scheme. Mind you, he could’ve just told me. But he wrote immediately, impulsively, this made me think later that he really wanted me to read it. He didn’t want me to forget, I guess. I inquired what was the book about. He said that it was a funny book, entertaining. I wanted to know more, he told me it was written by a psychiatrist and it was about doctors and patients.
I immediately got repulsed by the idea of someone’s life becoming a book without her knowledge. I emphatically opposed it even if it was mixed in fiction. I let it clear that I saw nothing funny about people struggles with mental illness, after all I saw people in much worse condition in the mental institution I was sent. He didn’t give away the real content of the book and you see, this was the guy that spoiled X-men First Class to me to the point I didn’t even care to watch it. He could’ve spoiled me the book if only he wanted. He just said again, despite my claims, that “It’s fun. You’re going to like it.” I probably looked upset and got up to leave as he handled me the paper. “Read the book.”, he said. But I didn’t.

In fact, I couldn’t care less what he had to say. I didn’t like the idea of such book or imagining my life becoming one too. I refused. I didn’t look for it, didn’t google or read reviews. Nothing.

The book is “Lying on the couch” by Irvin Yalom. And just this month I found out what's about.

The thing is my doctor left his job for another but never warned me. I’m not sure if he warned the other clients. Worse yet, I used to see him but I didn’t have a health plan, I’d pay each visit. When I acquired one because I was with him for quite some time and would stay with him (because the treatment was working) was when he left. First, they told me he was on license, since I still had meds I was okay with it. I had managed to buy more quantity in a pharmacy, which also lead me to stay away from him more than the time I was expected to return. I wondered if he thought I had abandoned treatment and so there was no need to tell me anything.

But then I was running out of meds and once again tried to get an appointment and at last they revealed he wasn’t working there anymore. I was okay with this however when I got to see the other doctor (the one I’m still with today) he simply said I had no records, no file, no nothing. I was very upset. He said to me that it must have been some trouble within the clinic system. I felt worried that whatever the other doctor witnessed was important information to watch my behavior and prevent it from happening again. And now it was gone.

After becoming aware of the contents of the book I decided to find out when exactly this was recommended for me. Since I still have old prescriptions and meds schemes from years ago (that I now intend to burn to release myself from my past) as a way of knowing what meds I took until now, I went looking for the book suggestion. It seems to me by the date that it was after at least 2 months of being with him. Initially I’d see him every 2 weeks or early if needed, then it would take more time to see him again. In the day of the book suggestion my next appointment was to be 40 days after. Considering my previous display of hypersexuality, I find 2 months of treatment too soon to suggest such a book. I read online that one should avoid all possible triggers. I can’t imagine a bigger trigger than this one had I read this at the time. Worse yet, I was still on risperidone, biperiden and carbamazepine. I guess my mind was becoming much more stable so I don’t see why risk it.

I don’t even know if my initially hypersexuality towards him counts as transference because it was immediate. I feel like it could have been anyone. At the time, he wasn’t the only man facing this, it was just that he was the one that had to put up with it in a regular basis. Once the mania was settling the behavior was never to be seen again. That’s why the book feels almost like he was sabotaging me. I also feel like the book could be him calling me a liar.

By contrast I just started seeing a female psychologist this week (I had 2 others before that were of no use) and she was so supportive, seemed so genuine, so respectful of my whole story, that I was almost overwhelmed with this kind of treatment. That she seems to believe in me, in my talents or whatever qualities I may have, yet unknown to her, made me review the way this former psychiatrist treated me.

All things considered, was he just damn irresponsible or was he having countertransference issues?

[Wonderfalls]

I've enjoyed all of Yalom's books. I don't remember this particular one, but I'm guessing it's the one with the client who makes up all her history--one among many other accounts. I don't think he was accusing you of lying. It seems very unlikely he was accusing you of going through some long elaborate ruse to no purpose. I certainly didn't think Yalom was making jokes about people in dire situations. And I happen to believe there's at least something humorous about pretty much all of the things we get ourselves into, but of course you're not obliged to agree with that.

You don't say he berated you for not reading the book at the time. Can't it just have been he was recommending a book he enjoyed and thought you might like it too, as a psychotherapist patient?I don't see counter transference issues. Anyway it sounds like he's long gone and you have found a new therapist you like. I don't think brooding about it is useful.

[Wonderfalls]

]I've enjoyed all of Yalom's books. I don't remember this particular one, but I'm guessing it's the one with the client who makes up all her history--one among many other accounts. I don't I don't remember this particular one, but I'm guessing it's the one with the client who makes up all her history--one among many other accounts. I don't think he was accusing you of lying. It seems very unlikely he was accusing you of going through some long elaborate ruse to no purpose. I certainly didn't think Yalom was making jokes about people in dire situations. And I happen to believe there's at least something humorous about pretty much all of the things we get ourselves into, but of course you're not obliged to agree with that.

You don't say he berated you for not reading the book at the time. Can't it just have been he was recommending a book he enjoyed and thought you might like it too, as a psychotherapist patient?I don't see counter transference issues. Anyway it sounds like he's long gone and you have found a new therapist you like. I don't think brooding about it is useful.[/quote]

[growlycat]

I do not know how he could have known that this would be triggering for you? They can't read minds, we really need to communicate when they are doing something that feels destructive. All he did was recommend a book? His biggest flaw is not being attuned to what you needed but you also have to be clear about what works for you in therapy and what does not.

[satsuma]

I don't really know or understand the full story here. But I have to say it sounds very unlikely to me that a T recommending a book is a covert way of them calling you a liar. I can't see any link between those two things and I think most people would not.

If the T had really wanted to say that you were a liar, don't you think he could have just said it using words?

Anyway I'm really glad you found a female T who was sympathetic and helpful.

[GoingInside]

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

I've enjoyed all of Yalom's books. I don't remember this particular one, but I'm guessing it's the one with the client who makes up all her history--one among many other accounts. I don't think he was accusing you of lying. It seems very unlikely he was accusing you of going through some long elaborate ruse to no purpose. I certainly didn't think Yalom was making jokes about people in dire situations. And I happen to believe there's at least something humorous about pretty much all of the things we get ourselves into, but of course you're not obliged to agree with that.

You don't say he berated you for not reading the book at the time. Can't it just have been he was recommending a book he enjoyed and thought you might like it too, as a psychotherapist patient?I don't see counter transference issues. Anyway it sounds like he's long gone and you have found a new therapist you like. I don't think brooding about it is useful.

I agree that it isn't useful. It was just that he was the one that stopped the cycle of mania by not reintroducing antidepressants so in a way he was some kind of hero to me.
I just don't like that he'd suggest a book about a psychiatrist getting sexually involved with a patient as if he was saving her for I met him in full mania and displayed hypersexuality and everywhere people say to avoid triggers at all costs. If anything, the doctor should be the first one to wish not be misunderstood. There are more parallels to the characters on the book to myself that I found unsettling, like the doctor being responsible for the girl picking her life up, going back to college, "better with him", or another character that has the history of being involved w/another psychiatrist around my age at that time.
And his sudden change of tone, from supportive to passive aggressive, belittling my minimal accomplishments, me having to excuse myself for starting to live my life, feeling the smallest hints of pride, trying to regain my confidence(that had been destroyed over the years).
Yep, this is the book in which one client lies to take revenge at the doctor pretending to be interested, seducing him so he'd fall for her and she could sue him and ruin his life. But by the end she decides to be honest and they become friends and keep working together.

Honestly I'm glad I didn't read it back then. He's not my hero anymore, and yep, I know this sort of idealization isn't good. So anyways there's something positive about it.

[atisketatasket]

Given how you describe the way he made the reference--stressing it was funny and entertaining, that the book is a novel, and that the book makes the mental health professionals seem just as "crazy" as their clients, I think you may be over interpreting. I'd say he was neither irresponsible or having countertransference issues when he recommended the book.

You suggest he also just up and left his patients? With no records? To me that's a far more serious beef than the book. I'd focus on that if you're trying to get over him.

[GoingInside]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

You suggest he also just up and left his patients? With no records? To me that's a far more serious beef than the book. I'd focus on that if you're trying to get over him.

Well, if he planned to leave he could've just told me in advancement, I guess, but I didn't feel he was obliged to. I just reasoned that it was a career move. I didn't mind the change at all, I was just upset that my records were gone when I went to see his substitute. I can't tell if this happened to everyone or just me. At the time I just took a breath and tried to retell all I could remember(bipolar and mania leads to a rather poor memory, blackouts, distorted timeline, etc) to the new doctor instead of just asking my prescriptions to be filled. I never even complained to the clinic, just to the substitute. He said it must been some system problem and that was it, almost 2 years gone.
Only real reason that I still remember him is because I still take the same meds, same dose he prescribed and the book was in my home, unread for years and I just found it in the shelf this month.