[Mouse_]

I belong to another recovery board. Been there for almost 5 long yrs with a yrs break just recently.. the board is highly critical and opinionated..I feel so upset with myself each time I post and get involved in the ongoing insane debates...then when I've posted I feel compelled to keep checking to see if I am being attacked or not...insanity, repeating the same thing over and over..

I talked with T about this today because I sooooooooo wish to be free of this compulsion...she said you are checking to see if anyone is there, and if they are to see if they are angry at you? and there is some relief when someone has replied and is there but the relief is short lived?

I goes, yeah thats it. She asked me what this meant to me?

I said well, it does sound like how it use to be at home, I was always having to check if mum was there (emotionally) and if she was, whether she was angry with me, T nodded.

I know this now, and I can remember the feeling I would have doing this, and it so fits with what I do with that other site.

Now I'm afraid that knowing this will still not stop me from the anxiety driven compulsion..

The drama of the checking, checking, checking must be going on in fantasy inside of me..

I do hope now I've become more aware of this now, that I can deal with the compulsion..

I want to be FREE!!

[Perna]

None of my compulsions went away "right away" just because I was aware of/understood them. It takes time I think. They get boring and then the drama isn't enough.