[GoodVibrations101]

I recently moved to northern California, and I notice some different qualities in my new therapist that I think are partly due to cultural differences.

1. This new therapist doesn't seem to work very hard. She doesn't have late hours or weekend hours. For awhile, she was slow to answer emails and telephone calls, until I complained. She is regularly telling me to "take it easy" and "don't work so hard." Her work ethic seems to be weaker than my previous therapists.

2. This therapist also counsels me not to try to figure things out. If a co-worker acts in a mean way, she recommends to me "just stop thinking about it or worrying about it." And when I form interpretations and opinions about the actions of people, she says, "Don't judge them because you don't really know them and you never will know them."

3. She is of the school of thought to just give up if something gets to be too hard or too difficult.

I don't really relate to this therapist because I am a hard-working person who tries to find complete answers to my questions, and I am okay with forming interpretations or making judgments even if these ideas are not set in stone. Still I want to form ideas and judgments.

Thoughts about this therapist and the California cultural effects?

[ScarletPimpernel]

California cultural effect? Really? We're not all like that. My T and I work very hard. We're not quiters, lazy, etc.

[GoodVibrations101]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

California cultural effect? Really? We're not all like that. My T and I work very hard. We're not quiters, lazy, etc.

I am not talking about ALL California residents, but I have known therapists in NY who worked on Saturdays and Sundays or in the evenings. I have known lawyers in NY who take all-nighters to finish their work. There are many grocery stores and restaurants in NY which are open 24/7. I don't think ALL NY residents are hard working, but I sense in California this idea that the area is so good vacationing and relaxing that the residents want to slow down and vacation and relax on a daily basis.

[ScarletPimpernel]

That's not true at all. Maybe in parts of California, but definitely not the major cities.

[Lemoncake]

Being told to "take it easy" would bug me. You could bring up what you've posted with her here- but if it seems like she doesn't really understands you, I would try to find someone else.

[ElectricManatee]

I would be hesitant to characterize this as a cultural difference in therapists, just because you only have one data point. It is possible that she has small children at home, a chronic illness, different financial goals, or some other perfectly acceptable reason for working the hours that she does.

That said, it's also perfectly acceptable to talk about your concerns and/or find a new therapist if you aren't meshing with this one. Being told to stop thinking or worrying about something would irritate me endlessly. I also think it's reasonable to find a therapist who has a different philosophy about hard work and/or tackling challenges.

[toomanycats]

Honestly just sounds like this is her personality type.
Has nothing to do with California.

[SalingerEsme]

This would drive me crazy too bc it makes her seem entitled and just phoning it in. Are there things you do respect about her? Work ethic, if it is an important value to you, might be something that creates common ground with a therapist you perceive as also hard working. With both of you working hard, there is comradely in that, especially if being/staying high functioning is important to you. There is no way, I will admit, I could work with someone who seemed unprepared for session. More, I prefer to work with someone who takes the job very seriously, if not as a calling then as an important role that carries with it a ton of responsibility to exercise good judgement. The therapist you describe would not work for me, in California or New York.

[stopdog]

I understand what the OP is saying about California.
I am not sure it matters what the reason is - if this therapist is not doing what you want, I would try out some others and see if I preferred them.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by GoodVibrations101

I am not talking about ALL California residents, but I have known therapists in NY who worked on Saturdays and Sundays or in the evenings. I have known lawyers in NY who take all-nighters to finish their work. There are many grocery stores and restaurants in NY which are open 24/7. I don't think ALL NY residents are hard working, but I sense in California this idea that the area is so good vacationing and relaxing that the residents want to slow down and vacation and relax on a daily basis.

I'm in NY. Yes, it is a different lifestyle. But, quantity, plus the constant talking about how much one works or how late (status-seeking behavior here in NY), is not the same as the actual quality of work. Just because one stays up all night working doesn't mean the work is any good.

As for therapists, they adjust to their environment. Therapists in NY offer evening and weekend hours because so many of their clientele need and expect them. Same with the grocery stores. Large areas of the country do not have 24/7 stores. That doesn't make the residents or the therapists not hard-working.

I wouldn't call the problem cultural differences (because that could apply to you too) but that you have expectations she doesn't meet. If that's the case, why not move on?

2. seems like typical therapist talk to me, but I am curious about her idea that if something is too hard one should give up? A therapist going around saying that doesn't seem like a very good therapist, wherever they are located.

[lucozader]

I know I would be furious if a T told me to "just stop worrying about it"... That's ridiculous.

[lucozader]

Gosh, if only I'd thought of just stopping worrying about things before. What a mind-blowing concept.

Originally Posted by GoodVibrations101

I recently moved to northern California, and I notice some different qualities in my new therapist that I think are partly due to cultural differences.

1. This new therapist doesn't seem to work very hard. She doesn't have late hours or weekend hours. For awhile, she was slow to answer emails and telephone calls, until I complained. She is regularly telling me to "take it easy" and "don't work so hard." Her work ethic seems to be weaker than my previous therapists.

2. This therapist also counsels me not to try to figure things out. If a co-worker acts in a mean way, she recommends to me "just stop thinking about it or worrying about it." And when I form interpretations and opinions about the actions of people, she says, "Don't judge them because you don't really know them and you never will know them."

3. She is of the school of thought to just give up if something gets to be too hard or too difficult.

I don't really relate to this therapist because I am a hard-working person who tries to find complete answers to my questions, and I am okay with forming interpretations or making judgments even if these ideas are not set in stone. Still I want to form ideas and judgments.

Thoughts about this therapist and the California cultural effects?

1. Not having evening or weekend hours doesn't translate to lazy for me. She may have set her priorities differently than you, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's lazy. Example: I'm a teacher. I know teachers who work into the evening every day and also on the weekends. That's a choice they've made and/or they are getting paid extra to do so because they sponsor particular activities. I don't work late or on the weekends. I'm not a lazy teacher by any means, but I made a decision years ago that my family will always come before my job. My evenings and weekends are spent with family, church, and choir activities. Your therapist may have other obligations and priorities outside of work. Laziness may have absolutely nothing to do with limited work hours.

2. Are you a ruminator? Do you spend a great deal of time dwelling over other people's motivations, etc? While not stated well, perhaps what your therapist is trying to communicate to you (badly though) is that over-thinking things and ruminating on them might be causing you anxiety, depression, obsessions, etc. and that maybe you could consider approaching things differently and that might help. (No idea, but sometimes it helps to see another perspective.)

3. What kinds of things is she saying to let go of? Are you prone to perfectionism? Are you prone to berating yourself if you don't succeed?

Just offering perhaps another perspective not knowing all the details. If the therapist isn't your style, perhaps consider a different therapist.

[Argonautomobile]

Ah, if only we could all be so laid-back!

I picture her, not as a therapist, but some sort of life mentor living in a yurt on the Oregon coast. I'd take a 6 month vacation and learn the art of chillaxing as we forage for wild mushrooms.

"You've got to be the spore, man."

Haha. No.

I don't know that she's lazy, but It doesn't sound like you and she are a very good fit, either.

[growlycat]

When my new t first explained radical acceptance to me it sounded a lot like just giving up. I think I know what you mean but my latest t is here in Texas. I had a southern CA t who worked hard but played hard too, big vacations etc.

Argo - "be the spore, man" made me lol! Sounds like something my t might say.

[Salmon77]

Agreed with lolagrace, not working nights or weekends isn't necessarily laziness. She may have family or other obligations she's attending to. Or possibly she just doesn't like working nights or weekends and has enough weekday clients that she can afford to limit her hours that way.

I used to spend a lot of time interpreting things that people said to me or their mannerisms etc. But I have to say I'm with your T on this one, I think it's kind of a waste of time. You can't know everything that influences another person's behavior and the only way to really find out is to ask. I have been learning to take people at face value and it really makes life a lot easier.

The third thing, I guess I'd have to know the context. I would say it's good to recognize limits and choose your battles accordingly. But it would be annoying to be told to give up on something you want and consider important.

On the other hand, you've posted multiple times about the faults you find in this therapist, so maybe it's time to look for a new one who will be a better fit for you.