[Lola5]

I mentioned in another post how I stress on a daily basis about being single at my age and that I'll never get married or have kids. I don't go on dates often and feel undateable. My T had me join an online dating site a few months ago so I see that people do want to date me so I feel better about myself. It backfired because no guy reached out to me.

Fast forward to now. The first ever guy reached out to me. I was excited about the attention so I have been talking to him. We have little in common. He isn't ready for kids, but I am. He likes birdwatching, but I don't. He smokes, which is a turn-off to me.

My T says that my goal should be to go on as many dates as possible, even if I don't think I'm interested, to get used to dating so I'm ready for when the right guy comes along. The above guy just asked me out on a date. I know it's not going to go anywhere. Is it mean to agree to a date if I already know I'm not interested? Aren't I just getting his hopes up? Or is it okay to agree so I can practice dating?

[growlycat]

I can sooooo relate to this!!!!!

I feel undateable too and my ts over the years have encouraged me to put myself out there. I applaud that you are trying!!! Actually it might be better to practice date someone you aren't that into. What if the reverse were true and it didn't work out? That would hurt a lot. Just be kind to your date's feelings. It may not be a bad idea to try a date out.

[NP_Complete]

I don't think it's mean. I would probably insist on paying for my half of whatever we ended up doing though. It does seem like a good way to get your feet wet. Plus you never know what might happen. You might really like the guy even if you don't think you will.

[growlycat]

Or he might have a cute friend

[Amyjay]

Go for it! its a good way to get practice. You can even be upfront with him and say you are definitely not looking for anything serious right now. Dating doesn't have to be about potential commitment for life. It can just be for fun too.
(Says the person who hasn't been on a date for about 15 years!)

[growlycat]

only op can answer for sure. In my own case, being more social and having a support network outside therapy is a goal. Dating is one way to build relationships outside of therapy. I'm more concerned about the therapist who does not encourage relationships outside of therapy.

[Pennster]

I think it's a great idea to practice dating! And I also think it's possible you could be surprised when you meet someone- sometimes there is a chemistry there that you can't predict. You might just wind up enjoying each other's company and decide to go out a few times or become friends or whatever.

[growlycat]

I find it really easy to "shut down" a therapist if I don't want advice. If they give me advice it is because I asked for it.

[missbella]

I never had many dates, but disagree with the therapy wisdom of dating ill-suited people for practice. I think it more like important to get in touch with my authentic responses to another person rather than going through motions because some perceived authority says I should. I went on too many mismatched and miserable dates because of some irrational duty. I wouldn't want men to date me because their therapists instructed them to use me for practice.

[toomanycats]

Not mean! I did this after my last relationship, because I just needed the experience of dating and, honestly, feeling capable of saying "Nope, I'm not interested."

Going on a date isn't a commitment to start a relationship. It's perfectly fine to go on a date that you don't anticipate going anywhere beyond that.

[Pennster]

I do think one way of looking at it is that people can go on dates for all sorts of reasons - I like to go on dates because I like to meet new people. It doesn't have to wind up in romance - I have made some good non-romantic friends that I have met on dates. And I also believe it's really hard to tell how attracted you might be to someone until you meet them in person.

People can go on dates for all sorts of reasons - some people are looking for an interesting conversation, others might just be up for sex, or looking for marriage, or an activity partner. Going on a date is just an opportunity to see if you might match up - I think meeting in person to do that can be fun and worthwhile in itself.

[brillskep]

I really think your goal should be what you want your goal to be. Your therapist can make suggestions based on experience with you and other clients, but ultimately your goals and decisions are up to you. I consider autonomy to be more important for a therapist to encourage than practice-dating. I do see your therapist's point about practicing, but personally I wouldn't waste my time on a date I don't want. I don't know if it's mean or not to go on a date and raise the guy's hopes. It depends on his expectations too, not just your actions. This sounds more like a matter of what your values and needs are at this time.

[Favorite Jeans]

The thing is dating, like any social interaction, involves some degree of awkwardness and chance. Openness to new people is really the only way to connect with others and it involves trial and error. I think it is perfectly appropriate for a therapist to point this out.

This isn't dating advice so much as an observation about interacting with one's world: if you want friendship or romance or employment for that matter, you need to go seek it. A likely place to find a job is on a job site. A likely place to find a date is on a dating site. It makes sense to look where people are offering.

It also makes sense to go into each interaction with low expectations and an open mind.

[1978dd]

Honesty should be the basis of all relationships. Be up front with him and tell him you don't mind casual dating, but that's all. Put him in "friend" mode. He'll appreciate your honesty (or not call again). A win-win!

[missbella]

Originally Posted by brillskep

I really think your goal should be what you want your goal to be. Your therapist can make suggestions based on experience with you and other clients, but ultimately your goals and decisions are up to you. I consider autonomy to be more important for a therapist to encourage than practice-dating. I do see your therapist's point about practicing, but personally I wouldn't waste my time on a date I don't want. I don't know if it's mean or not to go on a date and raise the guy's hopes. It depends on his expectations too, not just your actions. This sounds more like a matter of what your values and needs are at this time.

I needed far more "practice" in autonomy than I did on sharing a social event. I agree, that dates can be on many levels for many reasons. But I found dispiriting to degrading to spend time with men I knew from the outset I wouldn't like, would bored me or disrespect me. Yeah, I used to do that. I was the go-along person.

[chihirochild]

If it makes you feel any better, I recently tried online dating for the first time, and LOTS of people on there are just looking for something casual (or sexual) and/or are going on tons and tons of dates to try and find someone they like. I was kind of surprised to discover this, but it turns out that the culture of online dating is totally different from the culture of regular dating--agreeing to go on a date doesn't mean that you're Interested in the person, it just means that you are sufficiently interested to want to meet them in person. No commitment implied, at all.

(I dunno if it matters, but I was in the US and using Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel.)

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Lola5

I mentioned in another post how I stress on a daily basis about being single at my age and that I'll never get married or have kids. I don't go on dates often and feel undateable. My T had me join an online dating site a few months ago so I see that people do want to date me so I feel better about myself. It backfired because no guy reached out to me.

Fast forward to now. The first ever guy reached out to me. I was excited about the attention so I have been talking to him. We have little in common. He isn't ready for kids, but I am. He likes birdwatching, but I don't. He smokes, which is a turn-off to me.

My T says that my goal should be to go on as many dates as possible, even if I don't think I'm interested, to get used to dating so I'm ready for when the right guy comes along. The above guy just asked me out on a date. I know it's not going to go anywhere. Is it mean to agree to a date if I already know I'm not interested? Aren't I just getting his hopes up? Or is it okay to agree so I can practice dating?

I don't think it's mean to still see him. Like others have said, that makes it a bit easier because you aren't going into it with any kind of investment in a particular outcome. Bird watching is kind of cool. I don't know much about it, but I like listening to people who are into it. Too bad about the smoking though.

[Moment]

I don't think dating someone you don't have a long-term interest in is mean.
Dating is just dating. It's not matrimony. There are no promises or obligations.
One point of dating is just to have a nice time together. Just some companionship. Someone to go to a movie with. Just to be friends and maybe even smooch a little. Nothing wrong with that.
You might find, by dating someone you think you are not really into, that actually you really like them. Or not.

[Moment]

PS you say you "know" it's not going to go anywhere but maybe you need to open your mind a little. Sometimes the people we think aren't "our type" actually are. These things can be hard to predict. Maybe your therapist is just suggesting you loosen up a little and try new things. It's just a date.

[Lola5]

Thanks for the advice, everyone! I think I'm basing this on myself because I go into every date hoping it's "the one." I suppose other, non-anxious people, don't do the same so they won't be too upset if it doesn't work out.