[Elio]

What do you feel, or what is it like for you, when someone you love or care about expresses that they are proud of something you've done?

[Argonautomobile]

Uncomfortable, mostly. Why?

[FallDuskTrain]

Originally Posted by Elio

What do you feel, or what is it like for you, when someone you love or care about expresses that they are proud of something you've done?

Sorry. The question is too vague for me to wrap my head around.

[Moment]

Personally, I feel annoyed. I feel like pride is something I should feel about my own accomplishments. When I feel that someone is "proud of" me, that suggests to me that they somehow see me as an extension of themselves. It's just the word proud.
Someone could say, "I'm amazed by you," or "You must be so happy" or "I'm so happy for you!" But if someone said, "I'm so proud that you did X," that suggests to me that the flipside might be "I was so ashamed that you did Y." I feel like somehow my accomplishments, or lack thereof, will affect their feelings towards me and that I have to live up to some vision of success or be a disappointment. When I just want to be loved unconditionally.

BUT this is just me, probably. I am sure if my therapist ever said "I'm so proud of you" we would have to have a long discussion about it. Fortunately he has never said such a thing. He did once say "good work today" after a session and I told him later that it pissed me off. Why does he get to say what is "good work"? What if I didn't think it was? How would he like it if, at the end of a session, I turned to him and said, "Good work today!" Would he feel flattered....or judged?

[WarmFuzzySocks]

Typically, I see it as a compliment, acknowledging an accomplishment and wanting to share that they know I did something difficult. I hear it kind of as equivalent to "You've worked hard, and I see that."

I used to feel embarrassed or awkward. I grew up hearing things like "Don't toot your own horn, " and felt like I'd called attention to myself. Now I smile and say thanks and just let myself feel pleased that someone I care for sees that I accomplished something/worked hard/made progress. I guess I still feel awkward too, a little.

[unaluna]

Well, my parents never said they were proud of me, and dammit i worked my bettina off for those A's all thru grade school and high school. Instead they chose to believe my jealous thieving brother who told them i only got good marks because the teachers "liked" me. I only found he said this like in the past 15 years, so im still kinda mad. I kept waiting and working and trying for words that were NEVER going to come.

So - this past week, when i reported to t how ive been doing in the diet and exercise department - which is, kinda in the exact same spot i was in last year, but hopefully more consciously? - i dont have a problem with him saying he is proud of me. I see it like, i live alone, so by saying this, he is acknowledging his psychic presence next to me as i make good decisions for myself all week long. I probably could not do it were it not for his willingness to listen to me agonize over oatmeal. Hes my buddy. When he says hes proud of me, hes acknowledging that something was difficult for me, that i pushed myself thru a change. Not just that yay you lost a pound. More like, you got out there.

[Elio]

Ok, maybe I'm thinking more around receiving compliments in general, because I actually see these statements as being the same thing

"I'm amazed by you" "I'm so proud that you did X"

As to why? I did something today that several people complimented me on. My response ranges from no feeling, to uncomfortable, to wanting to hide, to feeling like more pressure is being put on me. My wife describes a much different experience around it. So, curious as to how others respond or feel about it.

[stopdog]

It is nice enough if it was said by my parents or grandparents. It can make me feel good if my family (or did when those who are now dead) say/said it. I usually tolerate it from my partners, close friends, or sibling because I know they mean well and it is not a bad feeling - more neutral to happyish.
I hate it from someone like a therapist - it is absolutely not their place to say such a thing.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I hate it from someone like a therapist - it is absolutely not their place to say such a thing.

When I told No. 1 via email that I'd left future ex, she wrote back all caps "I AM PROUD OF YOU." I mean, jeez, we don't have the kind of relationship where I care if she is proud of me. So that irritated me.

It also irritated me when future ex said it, because it was so obviously manipulatively different from his usual constant stream of criticism.

My parents said it rarely, so it meant a lot. Also my siblings.

[growlycat]

Usually it makes me feel the warm fuzzies. On occasion it can feel patronizing. When driving with Kashi for the first time he says d something positive but at an odd moment and I think I wounded him a little by joking "that wasn't patronizing at all. " I really do crave the praise and attention honestly but I feel needy when I do want it. Not proud of that part of me.

[Amyjay]

it makes me feel angry and it makes me feel invaded. If people are saying anything like that to me it means they are too close.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by Elio

As to why? I did something today that several people complimented me on. My response ranges from no feeling, to uncomfortable, to wanting to hide, to feeling like more pressure is being put on me. My wife describes a much different experience around it. So, curious as to how others respond or feel about it.

Ah. Thanks for this. Yeah, that's about how it feels when I get a compliment, too.

I think you're supposed to feel happy.

[Pinkfluffyunicorn]

Originally Posted by Elio

What do you feel, or what is it like for you, when someone you love or care about expresses that they are proud of something you've done?

Sometimes I'm pleased. Mostly I either don't believe them and I think they are just trying to be nice. My mum says it a lot and I just kind of think 'whatever'
If I'm hypomanic I'm like 'Yeah, I'm freaking awesome!'

I find it makes me incredibly uncomfortable & tend to make sarcastic comments, which enevitably puts myself down or I'm dismissive. If it's someone like my boss, it annoys me as I always feel 'you're not good enough to even know whether I'm good, bad or indifferent'

I used to feel uncomfortable and skeptical about such statements when younger but now generally just good, given that I am also ~satisfied with what it is about.

Not my favorite form of praise though, either receiving or giving. I prefer things such as "well done", "congrats", "I like what/how you did in xyz" and similar. I think these acknowledge the other individual better.

It would feel good just to have someone in my life who has positive feelings for me. I would feel grateful if my T said things like that to me as I yearn for him to be kind to me sometimes rather than just clinical. He would never say something like that to me as it would be 'too gratifying my needs'.

I can also see where it would seem patronizing to some. I may have once been like that, until therapy, which was void of him saying anything other than all my faults and shortcomings. Not having any positive words made me want his 'approval' because thats one way my abusive father treated me.

Adding-it sure has allowed for a lot of transferences to be worked through.

[Out There]

It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't know what to do with it - my T explained it still taps into our core beliefs about ourselves planted there by someone else even though it's positive. An EMDR protocol has been recently developed to help with this and my T said when he heard about it I was the first client that popped into his head to try it on ! Maybe I should take that as a compliment ?!! I think I've got a little better at it and being cognitively more mindful about the reasons I feel this way.

[MessyD]

It might feel good for a second, but usually makes me feel uncomfortable, yucky or even suspicious as to why is he/she saying that? Usually I just think they trying to be nice

[Shazerac]

I like it.. it feels good. I enjoy having my work or effort being acknowledged

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Elio

What do you feel, or what is it like for you, when someone you love or care about expresses that they are proud of something you've done?

It depends on the type of thing they're proud of. Generally, it feels good, especially if it's about my work, which is in a creative field. Until I'm on to the next thing and think everything I do is crap.

I can't tell if you are referring to a therapist or not though. If so, then it depends on the situation as to what is felt--sometimes, it's the whole gamut—but usually it's a good feeling.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I can't tell if you are referring to a therapist or not though.

The more I think about it, for me, anyone really.

[awkwardlyyours]

I'd really like for someone to say they're proud of me -- as opposed to saying that they think I did something great or that I amaze them (current T's current favorite) etc.

No one's (including family, friends, partners etc) ever told me they're proud of me (vs the other stuff) -- I know, I know, cue violins etc. People have told me stuff like "You should be proud of yourself" and I'm like "Ehh, whatevs -- I'll get to that once I figure out the existence of the self stuff".

To me, someone saying they're proud of me would mean (rightly or wrongly but that's how it translates in my noodle) that there's a deep sense of belonging between them and me i.e., there is a real and unique relationship that matters as much to the other person as it does to me and there's a connection and all that good stuff.

It feels like hearing that would fill some sort of deeper hole / void in me but then again, maybe I'm fantasizing entirely because I haven't heard that and if I had, I'd have dismissed it outright. Who knows?

I hope you can take in the good stuff, Elio.

[annielovesbacon]

I normally am not good at all at taking compliments, but someone (specifically someone I care about) telling me they're proud of me is the best feeling in the world. I grew up with parents who were emotionally neglectful and had high standards for me and never ever told me they were proud of me or acknowledged that I was working hard.
It always means so much to me when a teacher, a friend, or my T notices that I have worked hard at something or achieved something and says they are proud of me. It gives me the warm fuzzies. It's the best thing anyone can say to me.

[junkDNA]

I love it and it is positive reinforcement for me