[AllTheThingsIHide]

So I've been seeing my t for a little bit over a year. I really like him, I feel relatively safe around him (which is a massive deal for me) and I don't know whether I'm making a lot of progress but therapy is definitely slowly helping me talk about really difficult stuff.

One thing is that I've never actually looked at him when I'm talking. I don't really know what he looks like. Our chairs are both against a wall and facing another wall with a table in between. My hair is really long so I sort of put my head down and it acts like a shield from him in a way while I'm talking. I don't do this intentionally it just automatically happens every session.

He did mention about 6 months in that he's never really seen my face and asked me if he could move the chairs for the next session so he could see me properly, I really panicked and said no straight away, he said that it was fine and never brought it up again.

I think a few reasons why I don't want him to see me is: I get really embarrassed when I talk about what happened to me, I am painfully self conscious, I hate looking at people/people looking at me when I'm crying, I can't leave my house without makeup and it all ruins when I cry and makes me feel worse and I don't know how I'd cope with seeing his emotion.

I get upset in therapy, I cry and I really hate it, I try to breathe and cry as silently as possible, I was taught as a child that crying is for the weak. Normally t will stay silent until I've spoke again or will add something to what I was saying before I got upset, I'm guessing in an attempt to keep me talking. It's just I feel that when I get really upset in therapy if I was looking at t and he was just silently watching me, it would make me feel really awful, like I'm fully open and hurting and he's just coldly sat there watching it. I feel alone in feeling this. I don't know whether it's weird to feel like this!? I don't know if maybe t acts the way he does because he isn't sure whether I'm crying or not, I suppose it could be that. I don't know how ts are meant to act when your upset?

With all the horrible stuff I've told him about what has happened to me, I remember the tone of his voice when we talk about it, he sounds caring but I can't be sure when I haven't really heard it before, but when I've said some of the really bad things, he's repeated some things sounding shocked and a bit angry at the situation I think, I just don't know how I'd react if I visually saw someone showing them emotions to me. I feel like I can't look at him now, like he knows too much about me that I have to hide from him. I feel so distant though.

Does anyone else struggle with eye contact with your t? Has anyone here never looked at their t? How can I look at him now?

[CANDC]

Hi AllTheThingsIHide. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you feel it is so difficult to show your face to your therapist.

They do sound very compassionate and patient. I had a feeling that when you said that your therapist sounded angry when you described what you went through, that they may have been outraged at the behavior of the other people not mad at you. You could always ask them about that in a session.

I know myself I sometimes get angry when I hear how some people mistreat others. It is something human beings feel is a kinship with other human beings. Feelings of wanting to protect other human beings is a natural nurturing response.

[lucozader]

Yes, I struggle with eye contact a lot too, and it's something me and my T have been discussing recently. I do look at him sometimes, but... not often. It's weird for me, because it's not something I have a problem with at all in my everyday life. I generally like to look people in the eye and am totally comfortable doing it.

I feel like my emotions are too strong when I make eye contact with him. I can't handle it. I desperately want to feel connected with him, and yet... it's like I won't let it happen.

Actually, I didn't have this problem when I first started seeing him, so... I guess it's to do with my attachment to him and to do with the transference...

[MrsDuckL]

Welcome and big hugs to you! This is something I struggled with a lot at first as well. My first short lived terrible therapist made a snide comment about lack of eye contact (“well, you obviously disassociate!”), so I got super paranoid about eye contact when I started with my new therapist. I finally brought it up, and my therapist didn’t have an issue with lack of eye contact at all, it was his opinion it’s a totally normal thing to struggle with, he said he has people who would sit behind the couch if they could. I googled “eye contact in therapy” once and found lots of articles about people struggling with the same thing—one particular one referenced a poll here on Psych central (before I joined) where people could much more easily tell you the color of their therapist’s shoes and not their eye color. (I think it took close to 2 months to realize my therapist’s eyes are blue.)

For me, eye contact got easier over time as I got more comfortable. Still, there are times I struggle big time, I also learned at a young age not to cry in front of others, so I look away if I briefly tear up. So I don’t have a lot of great advice here, just my opinion it’s a totally normal thing to struggle with.

[Argonautomobile]

Hello Hide. That sounds rough. I hope you and your T can have a productive conversation about this. Your post is really well written - I wonder how you'd feel about sharing it with your T? Could be a great way to discuss these issues.

I don't look at my T very much, either. It's not something we talk about. I'm not sure how I feel about being "seen." Sometimes eye contact strikes me as aggressive, and it makes me feel cagey and defensive. But I do think it's hard to connect without it.

I hope you find a solution that works for you.

[ElectricManatee]

I am fairly comfortable looking at my T when she is talking but not very comfortable looking at her when I'm talking. The more difficult the topic, the less likely I am to look at her. There are certain things in her office that I look at instead, which she commented once is a way for me to stay "grounded." I don't think it's a problem to not make a lot of eye contact. It might change as you get more comfortable and work through more of your trauma, or it might not. I definitely don't think it's something you should feel bad or self-conscious about, though.

Do you want to be able to look at your therapist? Or do you just feel like you should want to look at him?

[AllHeart]

You are not alone in this. There were many times I wasn't able to look at my t's. I would sometimes even use my hands over face to hide me away when talking about the deep stuff. I can usually hold eye contact with my current t when she is talking to me but almost impossible for me to do when I am talking to her. I've been seeing current t for about 8 months now. I believe I can finally say that I have been able to look at her enough to where I would recognize her outside of the therapy room.

Therapy can be deeply intense and difficult. Do it at your own pace in whatever way is most comfortable for you, as long as you find benefit in the work.

[Calilady]

A t I saw once, pointed this out right in the first session (whereas other t's didn't).

He said, "It's like connection for you is overwhelming, hence you avoiding much eye contact. You meter it out, like a dosage. You give me a few, brief moments and then your eyes travel around the room, to anywhere other than looking at me. I can tell it overtakes you and it can be too much for you to shoulder."

He's right. I also don't have this problem too much IRL. At least, not like I do in therapy. And I don't have to be close to the therapist either. I guess it's the circumstances and dynamic, having to show parts of myself, emotionally.

[MessyD]

I am also somewhat comfortable when my T is talking but I have a hard time when I'm talking, especially around sensitive topics. Apparently i put my head down, as a way to hide, something I learned long time ago and just recently became aware of. Trying to keep eye contact and staying connected is something I've been working on for last couple sessions (and I've been seeing him for over 2 years). It's getting better but it's hard when I try to consciously not to look away. It's kind of intense and part of me likes it but part of me if still scared and I'm not sure why. It's like he can see too much of me. I imagine it must be a lot harder if there is trauma in your past. I'd say start slowly, little bit at the time, when you're not talking about anything too difficult and don't push it if you're not comfortable. It takes time