[RaineD]

My therapist left me a voicemail yesterday, 2.5 hours before our session, cancelling the session because he's sick. I didn't see the voicemail until an hour later. Once I listened to the voicemail, I texted him to reschedule. He didn't respond. An hour later, I texted again, saying, "and feel better "

He still hasn't responded. After a couple hours, I started to get really worried. My friend tried to make me feel better by convincing me that he's fine and just didn't respond because it's Friday, and he's probably left the office. (But I was texting his cell so whether he's at the office shouldn't make a difference.) I told my friend that if he just didn't respond because it's Friday and he's "off work," I don't know if I even want him to be my therapist anymore.

I mean, if he cared so little about me as to be unwilling to spend five seconds texting me back, knowing I'd be worried, then I should really find another therapist. I realize it's a professional relationship and all, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect you're therapist to care about you and your feelings.

Or maybe he didn't know I'd be worried, and if that's the case, there's such a serious misalliance that, uh, I don't even know what to say.

If you've read my "flowers" post, you know I have persistent fantasies about my therapist being sick or dead. There's a reason for that. He has cancer. And, really, I am ALWAYS worried about him. All. The. Time. He knows I care about him and that I'm concerned, but I haven't told him the extent of my concern. I would not be as concerned if either or both of my parents had cancer or anyone else in my life for that matter.

I'm trying to keep it together. I got stuff to do. My life doesn't really have much room for emotional crises. I can't hit pause on life to have a breakdown.

But, at this point, I'm thinking he's probably really sick, in which case I should be really worried, or he just doesn't care about me at all--neither of these is a good option.

And, of course, there's a tiny voice in my head that says he secretly dislikes me and hopes I'd quit therapy so he can be rid of me...

I'm so sad, but sad isn't even the right emotion. It's such a weird mix of emotions I can't even describe them. It's sad, worried, and angry all at once.

In case you're wondering how quickly he normally responds to texts, I don't know. I've never really texted him before. The only reason I have his cell phone number is because he texted me once to let me know he's running five minutes late. We've never had a discussion about the propriety of between-session communications, and although I've had his number for a while now, I've never tried to contact him in between sessions. My sense is he doesn't communicate with patients in between sessions, and I'm okay with that.

Yesterday he called me from his cell and said to either call or text him back to reschedule. So I texted him since texting is usually easier for things like scheduling.

[ElectricManatee]

If he said you can call, I wonder if it would be helpful for you to call instead of text so you can hear his voice to be reassured that he's okay. It sounds like your relationship with him feels really complicated and intense right now, so I think the ambiguity of exchanging texts would just make that worse.

I can't imagine how stressful it would be to have a therapist be diagnosed with cancer. I would be worried all the time too. That said, it is entirely possible that he just has a bad cold or food poisoning or some other minor ailment that made sitting at work all day infeasible. It isn't necessarily a cancer thing. Talking to him directly might help you feel more settled until you can see him again.

[lucozader]

((Raine))

I agree with Manatee... I think there are still possibilities here other than 'something is really wrong' or 'he doesn't care about you'... I understand your feeling that way though. I imagine I would too.

I also think it might be worth calling him?

[stopdog]

It could be any number of things. I wouldn’t go to the worst-case Scenario right off the bat.
If it is cancer related, it could be the treatment has made him feel really bad and he spending a lot of time sleeping Or it could’ve caused sores in his mouth and he can’t talk or he could just really needs a break because cancer treatments just suck everything out of you or at least it did my person. There were times after chemo when she simply couldn’t have responded to students even a little bit. When she felt better then she could. Plus dealing with work was just not the best use of her extremely limited energy. There were a couple of treatment she had that actually interfered with her eyesight so she could not have responded to texts or emails even if she had wanted to. Sometimes I did it for her, but sometimes she just didn’t have the energy to think about it enough to tell me how to respond for her.

[LonesomeTonight]

I agree with the others that it might just be, say, the flu. But he might feel badly enough that he doesn't have energy to answer texts, or he might not be sure if he'll be better by, say, Monday, so he's reluctant to reschedule. I also tend to jump to worst-case scenario, so I understand that, plus he has cancer.

Another thought, since you said you hadn't texted him before--did you sign your text, like with your name? I know my T and MC don't keep clients' names in their phones, so he may not have realized it was you. Yes, he could have looked up your number, but again, if he's really sick (not necessarily life or death sick, just feeling bad), he might not have had the energy.

I doubt it's that he doesn't care about you--my marriage counselor has taken a long time to get back to me before (days), but he's explained that at times, he's been busy or sick or out of town. And I know that he genuinely cares about me, both because he's said it and because I can tell by his words and actions.

If you don't hear anything today, maybe try calling? Also, do you have a set appointment time every week? If so, he might just assume you'll come to that.

[Gettingitsoon]

Sending lots of hugs, you're in a very difficult situation. Maybe wait a day if you can and call.

Have to say, stopdog, I've disagreed from the sidelines with just about every one of your many posts, except this most recent one.
Having also been primary caretaker for someone experiencing chemo (with concurrent radiation), there were many times my person could not have managed to return a text timely.
Found your post accurate and sensitive (IMO)

OP, hang in there. Hoping it's something inocuous.
My T and I care about each other after 5 yrs but I specifically asked to not learn personal details that would cause me anxiety and interfere with my treatment. When she has rarely had to cancel, I am stressed a bit but I don't worry about illness as it could just as easily be a car malfunction.
This is what works for me.

[SalingerEsme]

I misplace my phone whenever I get sick or stressed. Maybe has hasn't seen your texts yet?

[JaneTennison1]

Maybe he just has the stomach flu and is off dealing with that, I know when I am sick, I call anyone I need to and then just retire to bed and suffer through, it has only been what? 36 hours? I would say give him the weekend.

[skeksi]

When my T cancels for illness, he does not return communication until he is back in the office. This has been anywhere from two days to an entire week.

[growlycat]

My ts wife has a rule that his work cel phone gets turned off at a certain time.

[RaineD]

Thanks everyone for responding. It helps to not feel completely alone in this.

I'm not going to call him. If he hasn't responded to my texts, I don't see why he'd answer my call. Also, I don't want to be annoying.

He'll get back to me eventually. I'll live.

If I don't hear back from him by Monday afternoon, I'll text him again. If I don't hear back by Wednesday, I'll probably freak out and start calling him, but I'm hopeful that it won't get to that point. (Wednesday because when I texted him I asked for a Thursday appointment. We don't have a fixed weekly appointment time--it's different every week.)

Originally Posted by stopdog

It could be any number of things. I wouldn’t go to the worst-case Scenario right off the bat.
If it is cancer related, it could be the treatment has made him feel really bad and he spending a lot of time sleeping Or it could’ve caused sores in his mouth and he can’t talk or he could just really needs a break because cancer treatments just suck everything out of you or at least it did my person. There were times after chemo when she simply couldn’t have responded to students even a little bit. When she felt better then she could. Plus dealing with work was just not the best use of her extremely limited energy. There were a couple of treatment she had that actually interfered with her eyesight so she could not have responded to texts or emails even if she had wanted to. Sometimes I did it for her, but sometimes she just didn’t have the energy to think about it enough to tell me how to respond for her.

Thanks for this. I know how bad chemo can be, and I'm sorry your person had cancer.

As far as I can tell, chemo hasn't been as bad for my therapist as it could be. Sometimes he gets treatment on a Wednesday and sees patients that same Friday, which I've always thought was ludicrous. Of course, the side effects of chemo are cumulative so it makes sense that things would be getting worse. But he shouldn't have been getting chemo this past week...(Yes, I know his chemo schedule, but it could have shifted to accommodate travel plans and whatnot.)

Reading your description of how chemo affected your person makes me want to crawl under a table and not come out. I happen to be at a conference where the tables are covered with long tablecloths so if I crawled under I could hide almost completely. But I'm going to refrain from that sort of insane behavior in public...

[nottrustin]

If he is sick it is quote possible that he is sleeping and not caring about his phone.

[RubyRae]

RaineD,that must be hard for you,knowing your T has cancer and the caring/worrying that must go along with it.Does it have an impact on your therapy in any way?Are there times you hold back out of concern for him?(you don't have to answer if you don't want to of course)

I hope you hear something soon.

[RaineD]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

RaineD,that must be hard for you,knowing your T has cancer and the caring/worrying that must go along with it.Does it have an impact on your therapy in any way?Are there times you hold back out of concern for him?(you don't have to answer if you don't want to of course)

I hope you hear something soon.

It impacts therapy. Actually, it's become a part of therapy. It has transformed the nature of our relationship and therefore the therapy, and not in a bad way. Everything is more intense. Our relationship has evolved more quickly (and so therapy is moving more quickly in some ways) because of it.

Sometimes I feel like I was tossed in the fire. It's all way more than I bargained for--both good and bad--but I can't say I don't like it. When I started therapy with him I never expected this, but life is full of surprises.

I don't hold back on being combative because he has cancer, haha. But there are things I hold back on--they are all related to his illness. For example, I've refrained from telling him about the hospital/funeral fantasies I have. It's just awkward to talk about.

The only thing I really hold back out of concern for him is how concerned I really feel. (Funny, huh?) I think that would put a lot of pressure on him or make him feel bad. I also don't want him to drop me out of concern for me. I would not want that at all.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by RaineD

It impacts therapy. Actually, it's become a part of therapy. It has transformed the nature of our relationship and therefore the therapy, and not in a bad way. Everything is more intense. Our relationship has evolved more quickly (and so therapy is moving more quickly in some ways) because of it.

Sometimes I feel like I was tossed in the fire. It's all way more than I bargained for--both good and bad--but I can't say I don't like it. When I started therapy with him I never expected this, but life is full of surprises.

I don't hold back on being combative because he has cancer, haha. But there are things I hold back on--they are all related to his illness. For example, I've refrained from telling him about the hospital/funeral fantasies I have. It's just awkward to talk about.

The only thing I really hold back out of concern for him is how concerned I really feel. (Funny, huh?) I think that would put a lot of pressure on him or make him feel bad. I also don't want him to drop me out of concern for me. I would not want that at all.

I assumed that it would impact therapy,there's really no way that it wouldn't.

I just can't even imagine how it all plays on you emotionally.My T has had some health issues through the years that we talked about because they were obvious and unavoidable and one issue he had was very triggering for me.They were hard for me to deal with.But they were nothing as serious as cancer.

I can understand why you would hold back,it would be a very awkward and uncomfortable thing to talk about with him.But I personally think it would be pretty important for you to.I don't know what took you to therapy in the first place but obviously there were issues that did so not only do you have that stuff,you have all this with his illness on top of it too.And I think your feelings and concern for him are something that need to be discussed.

I don't think he would drop you for it,I think he would most likely help you work through it though.I'm sure he probably knows how you feel anyway and maybe waiting for you to push the issue when you're ready to.

It's the elephant in the room that you will eventually have to acknowledge.

[Calilady]

I think this is a good opportunity to sit with those feelings and accept that the reality is that you don't know (for the time being)? Just a different perspective.

[retro_chic]

I'm sorry this is happening - I know I would find this whole situation really hard to deal with. Personally, I don't think there would be any harm in calling him on Monday if you haven't heard from him by then. I mean you need to make plans so it seems pretty reasonable to me and at least then you will not have to spend the whole week worrying about what might or might not have happened.

[RaineD]

Originally Posted by RubyRae

It's the elephant in the room that you will eventually have to acknowledge.

I totally agree. I just don't know how to get there.

Also, he texted me back this morning so at least we're okay on that front, for now.