[DP_2017]

I love him, he is great, I could not of asked for a better T, he has done a lot of stuff off the clock for me, I truly do believe he cares. While we had an amazing moment today.... he also said something that left me feeling upset, and I am not sure if I am being dramatic or what? I wanna say something but I don't wanna ruin things, we left on a good note with laughing and a hug like always

Anyway he asked me if I sometimes keep adding things on to discuss there so I can prolong my time with him and not have to end therapy? It was hurtful because it seems like he was saying my issues don't all matter and I have to have legit reasons to still go.... I felt like he was trying to get rid of me but I was just silent about it.

I do have a very strong attachment and I can't even discus the end, I shut it down if even tries..... but I didn't think I was adding things, its just that sometimes nothing gets resolved so I still have the same issues and in some cases it took longer to get comfortable talking about them.

Should I just let this go or bring up how hurtful it was next week? I am honestly considering just narrowing down 1 or 2 issues to work on and end by new years so he can be happy I am gone I feel like he doesn't want me around anymore

[RaineD]

You should definitely discuss this with him.

[MessyD]

I don't think he doesn't want you around but I would feel the same way if he said something like that to me. If you're comfortable maybe ask him why was he questioning your issues? Maybe he didn't mean to say it that way and has no idea you're hurt.

[stopchewinggum]

He was probably just testing the waters to see, if you were wandering into see him as more of a friend and less of T. It's really no big deal.

[Spangle]

I would definitely bring it up with him & tell him he hurt & upset you. Ask him to explain exactly what he meant by it. Maybe you are reading something into it, especially as you don’t ever want to bring up or discuss ending therapy. I took what your t asked you, to be an observation that maybe he wanted clarification on. If it is something you are doing (which I certainly do) maybe you haven’t noticed, or maybe he was just asking out of curiosity. Because you had a reaction, it’s definitely something you need to explore. You won’t ruin things with your t, this is what our t’s Say is, grist for the mill.

[satsuma]

I see how this would be really upsetting. I think that the very thought of ending therapy can be devastating for those of us who have trauma and attachment difficulties, and who then experience attachment to the therapist. I definitely experience it like that.

I think Ts often take the view that it is better to acknowledge and discuss these kinds of fears, rather than leaving them as "the elephant in the room". Being able to talk openly about how attached you are and how horrible the thought of ending can be isNOT at all the same thing as deciding to end. I think you could be in therapy for many years, and still discuss from time to time about how you feel about eventually ending - or maybe wanting to never end!

I can say this so emphatically because I've been going through a lot of these fears myself just over the last month. My T has been repeating very firmly that talking about going to therapy less often is not at all the same as talking about not going to therapy. Also I do find me in general that it's better to be able to talk with T about things, even if they are really difficult and painful things like feeling attached and not wanting to ever end therapy...

So my thought is that your at was maybe wanting to address those feelings and worries and put them out there, rather than wanting to sound dismissive of your issues. He maybe didn't really choose his words very well.

[DP_2017]

Thanks guys, well a few weeks ago, I did open up to him about my wishes to be friends post therapy, and he took it well, and has even been very chummy and such with me since, but I didn't want to KEEP talking about it because I didn't want to seem obsessive so thats why I shut the topic down now mostly.... I will talk about it but he should know my feelings about post therapy have not changed 1 bit and I doubt they will. I think as I just went through a huge loss just 1 week ago, I am also in a bit of a mood. I will see how I feel Tues if its worth mentioning still

[SalingerEsme]

I think because they have 20 to 40 of us, and we have one of them, they forget how much each sentence weighs .

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

I think because they have 20 to 40 of us, and we have one of them, they forget how much each sentence weighs .

Except mine has 9, he doesn't do just therapy, he does some advocacy stuff for disabled people or something as well, which is why I get so lucky with his off the clock stuff like texting, emails etc at no charge

[Wonderfalls]

Your therapist doesn't want you gone, but he knows that eventually therapy will end, even if it's not until he retires. Mine occasionally let me know, gently, that we wouldn't always be together because he knew it would be so painful. He started talking about retiring a year or so before he finally decided (and then after that he gave me a year's notice). I miss him terribly (as I think he guessed I would). I'm pretty sure he misses me too. I would bring it up though just to clear things up.

[RaineD]

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

Your therapist doesn't want you gone, but he knows that eventually therapy will end, even if it's not until he retires. Mine occasionally let me know, gently, that we wouldn't always be together because he knew it would be so painful. He started talking about retiring a year or so before he finally decided (and then after that he gave me a year's notice). I miss him terribly (as I think he guessed I would). I'm pretty sure he misses me too. I would bring it up though just to clear things up.

Reading this made me so sad. So you can't have any contact with him at all?

[stopchewinggum]

By the way to add a little "perspective," here's how my T once handled "chumminess." When I first started seeing here, I was would sit in my room/stare at the wall for 7 hours a day and talk to myself and forgo eating. It wasn't a psychotic/social anxiety think. I just preferred being a lone. My T thought I hadn't been making any progress in a particular in a month. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "I'm not someone you can you just come talk to for an hour, when you get bored with your wall. That's not what I'm here for. You've made zero progress in a month, and I don't need you."

I would be very hurt by this because it sounds accusatory. It doesn't really matter what his intention was, you are upset by what he said and that's what matters.
I would definitely have a conversation with him about this.

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I love him, he is great, I could not of asked for a better T, he has done a lot of stuff off the clock for me, I truly do believe he cares. While we had an amazing moment today.... he also said something that left me feeling upset, and I am not sure if I am being dramatic or what? I wanna say something but I don't wanna ruin things, we left on a good note with laughing and a hug like always

Anyway he asked me if I sometimes keep adding things on to discuss there so I can prolong my time with him and not have to end therapy? It was hurtful because it seems like he was saying my issues don't all matter and I have to have legit reasons to still go.... I felt like he was trying to get rid of me but I was just silent about it.

I do have a very strong attachment and I can't even discus the end, I shut it down if even tries..... but I didn't think I was adding things, its just that sometimes nothing gets resolved so I still have the same issues and in some cases it took longer to get comfortable talking about them.

Should I just let this go or bring up how hurtful it was next week? I am honestly considering just narrowing down 1 or 2 issues to work on and end by new years so he can be happy I am gone I feel like he doesn't want me around anymore

I'm so sorry that this happened. It sounds like a badly thought out move on his part. It's an interesting question to ask, but phrased poorly. And if he asked this question towards the end of the session, I would say that was poor judgement on timing as well.

You know yourself best so you probably have some thoughts in response to his question. I know that for me personally, sometimes I find myself trying to stall for time. I did it for a long time before I realized that I was doing it. It just felt so natural to talk to t, I would get carried away. And my t was so sweet - she didn't want to cut me off so we often went over time. It wasn't until I got a different therapist who is very time conscious (he gives 20 min, and 10 minute warnings) that I realized that I should better plan what I wanted to talk about so as not to feel like I was getting booted out the door before I was done. I came to see that it wasn't personal - my t has a schedule and I have a set time slot. To go overtime every session is unfair to him and to the other people who are waiting.

I absolutely think that you should bring up how this made you feel next time you see your t. It sounds like he wants to talk about it since he brought it up so I am sure that he will be interested in hearing your response to his question. I feel like he probably will have a reason for asking and would be willing to explain his thinking to you. I don't think that ending your relationship all together is best answer for this, especially given how much you seem to like your t. It sounds like he has a good balance of knowing when to support you and when to also challenge you.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Miswimmy1

I'm so sorry that this happened. It sounds like a badly thought out move on his part. It's an interesting question to ask, but phrased poorly. And if he asked this question towards the end of the session, I would say that was poor judgement on timing as well.

You know yourself best so you probably have some thoughts in response to his question. I know that for me personally, sometimes I find myself trying to stall for time. I did it for a long time before I realized that I was doing it. It just felt so natural to talk to t, I would get carried away. And my t was so sweet - she didn't want to cut me off so we often went over time. It wasn't until I got a different therapist who is very time conscious (he gives 20 min, and 10 minute warnings) that I realized that I should better plan what I wanted to talk about so as not to feel like I was getting booted out the door before I was done. I came to see that it wasn't personal - my t has a schedule and I have a set time slot. To go overtime every session is unfair to him and to the other people who are waiting.

I absolutely think that you should bring up how this made you feel next time you see your t. It sounds like he wants to talk about it since he brought it up so I am sure that he will be interested in hearing your response to his question. I feel like he probably will have a reason for asking and would be willing to explain his thinking to you. I don't think that ending your relationship all together is best answer for this, especially given how much you seem to like your t. It sounds like he has a good balance of knowing when to support you and when to also challenge you.

Im for sure asking on Tues.... but I may not of been clear, not meaning prolonging each session but rather how long I get to be in therapy. He goes over every single time with me, but he only has 9 clients a week...he has a second job he does too.... anyway... so it was basically saying I keep bringing up new issues and he is thinking its my way of prolonging time so I don't have to end therapy... but it's frustrating because just a few weeks ago he said, don't worry on ending therapy, it will be a long time yet. Now it feels like he is finding me too much or something.

Yet, we had the most amazing hug in the same session... and we ended up laughing and joking around like usual. Just sucks waiting till Tues, I want an answer now lol