heading to T tonight

Her interpretation of my dream last week was that she wasn't doing her part, wasn't tending to the raging fire in the room of my dream.

I'm so nervous about that, what that means as far as she and I, what she plans, how things might change.

biting nails

(((((((( ECHOES ))))))))

How did it go? Don't worry about your T and what she's "doing", just concentrate on doing your best. With the raging fire, sounds like you're scared of something and she's not helping you feel safe from it? That would be a good thing if she could make you feel safer/more comfortable.

went okay. boring actually. nothing there.

((((ECHOES))))

Dreams have multiple interpretations. Did your T's interpretation of the raging fire ring true to you? It could be she got it wrong. Maybe you have an interpretation that is a better fit. Don't be afraid to share your own interpretation. Maybe that is partly what is upsetting to you, that T "got it wrong." When we work on dreams, my T, through questioning, guides me to my interpretation. He doesn't usually offer his interpretation.

I hope everything went OK today!

ETA: just saw your post. Did you talk about the dream?(((hugs)))

thanks sunny.

we talked about it last week. several interpretations; hers and mine.

tonight was boring, superficial, frustrating. i hate it when she thinks she gets me but she doesn't and i can't connect like i want to and need to.

thank you fuzzy

Hey ((Echoes))

Change is a good thing, (I think)

Peace

Echoes, yeah thats so frustrating when the connection doesn't appear to be there!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
ECHOES said:
i hate it when she thinks she gets me but she doesn't

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I know, that can be so awful. It is worse than when they are not getting you or connecting but they know that. My T has told me that it is said (Winnicott?) that the therapist/mother is "good enough" if they get you 1/3 of the time. Another 1/3 is you don't connect but you repair that. Another 1/3 is you don't connect and don't repair.

Did you tell her Echoes? I used to just go along with my T even when he didn't get me... now I tell him, "No-- that's not it at all" or "We are not on the same page." I hate those superfical-like sessions. Everything seems so surface and unimportant-- sometimes I find the importance, but it isn't until much later on. It is very frustrating.

Sister change scares me though I'm sure she was thinking only in terms of what would be most helpful. Oh, even having said that, it still scares me.

Perna, I didn't even notice anything 'different' and probably this might just mean she makes a shift of some kind that I wouldn't or couldn't notice if I tried.

Mouse, interesting way to put it: "... the connection doesn't appear to be there!". Coz it feels as if it isn't there at all but I suppose you're right that it is but it isn't so apparent at the moment. I guess if I don't feel it, it doesn't exist?

Sunny I don't know about repair and not. Too early in this I think. To me it just seems to come and go. Be there or not.

Pink I didn't tell her. I go along like that with her (and with others too). And then because I sit on it, it comes at me in a rush I think and I feel this stuff after. In session I'm this stupid obedient timid stupid boring (did I say stupid?)...thing. I feel like a child there most of the time. I feel like I react that way too. It's mortifying.

We both know I am stuck on this wanting 'mothering' but I wish I wasn't. I really want to have intelligent meaningful adult discussions with her and delight in the exploration and enlightenment, just be able to enjoy being there without feeling ashamed because I'm sitting there looking like an adult, talking like one mostly, and at the same time dreamily fantasizing about her comforting me or holding me or just sitting close to me making me feel safe, warm, fuzzy.

Then I fall apart on the way home, try to get it together when home but can't and so I sometimes phone her. Last night I called. 4 times I think. Wasn't quick enough once and the answering machine stops. Told her I was so frustrated and when I tell her things about my childhood it doesn't come out right and when she says them back to me it doesn't sound right; that we spent too much time one thing and explained that. But I was an emotional mess and crying (did I say stupid?) and I wonder if I can even go back and show my face again. What an idiot. What a baby.

I think I can't figure out how to be there. My mind wants to be an adult, my emotions and wants are childish.

My head is spinning and I slept very little last night. I need some sleep for now.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I think I can't figure out how to be there.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I can relate to this statement, also the one you made about getting a rush of thoughts and emotions after the session is over. I think it is good that you are able to contact her later. If she knows about this spillover effect maybe she can accommodate for it until you are able to better use your actual session time.

((Echoes))

I completely get this conflict. I was just thinking tonight about how I go from adult to child in different sesions with T. From time to time I realize that if I don't acknowledge my child, I get very anxious. It is in these moments of realization that I remember how to care for my whole self. When I try to leave the child out of it, then I become anxious and forget how to care for myself. (Like a little girl who can't?)

Take gentle care & be good to yourself.

Hard as it is, it is good for me to see that I am not the only one who goes to T as an adult then becomes like a child in there. I hate it! I feel so humiliated. Then I leave and wonder what happened to make me age 8 or 10 in there. I can feel my eyes big as plates and think to myself - I must look REALLY stupid right now. Then I often wonder if I should just quit (and now that I'm out, stay out!). But I'm starting again Monday. Oy. Kiya

I dream a LOT. My tdoc alwayas asks me how I interpret my dreams and then she chimes in with what she thinks they may mean.
There is one theory that says we are each part of our dream. I can see that in some of my dreams. but others not.

Standing back and looking at my dreams I am amazed at what dreams tell us about ourselves.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

So I was at work today and T calls to 'touch base' with me. I wasn't at my desk :-(. An hour later she calls again and said she'd tried to reach me at home last night :-). (I'm hard of hearing and I often don't hear the phone; last night I was trying to rest and have to take my hearing aid out when I lay down).

So we 'touched base' at work, where I can't talk and she knows I can't and acknowledged that. So sweet of her, calling and knowing she'd have to do most the talking since I have no privacy. She acknowledged how distressed I sounded when I called her Tuesday night and reminded me of our session next Tuesday where we'd talk about the things I said in my calls, and to call her if there's anything i want to talk about before Tuesday.


While working today, I was thinking of these meltdowns I have.... My siblings say that as a kid I was a brat.

News to me! But I was thinking of temper tantrums brats have, though I don't remember though having temper tantrums as a kid in the way I picture a temper tantrum of a kid. But as a teen and young adult I used to have a very huge explosive anger problem/rages. I thought of how both are about the inability to tolerate frustration, inability to express needs/wants, and inability to express (or even name) emotions. So... my meltdowns... maybe are a kind of tantrum? EWWW isn't that a dreadfully embarrassing thought?! But.. when I made those associations... I began to feel better, calmer.... usually the dead giveaway that I've struck the bullseye or near.

What to you think?

And yeah I will tell T