How do you ask your T if s/he loves you?

SilentMelodee · Nov 23, 2017 at 11:06 PM

I'm curious....regardless of a client wanting to hear it or not, is it truly ethical for a T to tell a client they love them? My T uses the word LOVE all the time, sometimes I think it's on purpose, not never to say she loves me maybe loves something I did or something like that.

Amyjay · Nov 24, 2017 at 03:59 AM

is it normal to feellove for your therapist or them for you? I can't imagine it. I saw my ex t for maybe 9 months and I've only seen new t for about 3 months (some crossover when I was seeing both at the same time) but I really can't imagine feeling love for either of them or being loved by either of them. Like, not at all. This love thing baffles me.

ScarletPimpernel · Nov 24, 2017 at 04:09 AM

My T says it's normal to feel love towards a T, especially if you have like abandonment issues or small support circle. But that doesn't mean everyone does.

captgut · Nov 24, 2017 at 06:24 AM

Today he said he doesn't love me like all the time, but sometimes during a session he can feel it.

Sheffield · Jan 22, 2018 at 05:04 AM

I think there may be cultural differences surrounding this topic-in the UK (certainly the southern half) I think most of us and our therapists would curl our toes at the thought of the "love" word
I was slow clapping when my psychologist said I pushed him out of his comfort zone-made him human as he is psychoanalytic trained but "love" omg!!

just2b · Jan 22, 2018 at 06:06 AM

I'd say listen to the song "Love Exists" by Amy Lee. Its a beautiful song, and something to make you possibly see "love" differently for whomever it is you want to love.

Jan 22, 2018 at 07:39 AM

I have never said this to my t even though I feel it. I would never say it to another t after I said it to my first and she terminated with me.
Now I understand that yes it was love but not the love you experience with a partner. Therapy love is more lust, a longing for something the therapist cannot give you. It makes me sad to think about the heartbreak. I remember my most recent rupture with my t and it actually felt like heartbreak.

maybeblue · Jan 22, 2018 at 08:46 AM

"Love" means such different things to different people. I say "I love you" to my husband, my mom, my sister-in-law, my cats and several friends. My husband will say it to me, but not his parents or his sisters or anyone else. Obviously I love my husband differently than I do my cats. But it's the same word.

So you might talk to her about the different kinds of love and realize that some people reserve that word only for certain relationships. Would it be enough if she said "I like you and I care about you?"

Fernwehxx · Jan 22, 2018 at 11:08 AM

My T is the 3rd person I have ever told I loved her. It wasn't a big deal, I just said in in a context.
I am not a native speaker of English, and in my language, we have several different words for expressions different kinds of love. So, for me, saying I love you comes especially hard because I miss that difference.

I would not ask my T if she loved me.
Why?
Because it's a tough question for her. She doesn't know my exact definition, and in the end, I don't know if the answer would even be anything I wanted to hear, even if it were a yes.
I may ask her for actions, ask her to do something for me. To me, those actions show her caring for me, and for now, I think that's all I should expect. I know my feelings for her are likely more intense than hers for me, even tho I do get the impression she likes me as a person.

JuanF · Jan 22, 2018 at 08:08 PM

I’ve read this entire thread and I agree with everyone who thinks that the important point is to wonder why you feel the strong urge to ask. Given your history, especially with your last therapist, I wonder if the best choice would be to not ask her and sit with the feelings and analyze what not asking her evokes. Asking her is easier than not and working it through yourself.

ScarletPimpernel · Jan 22, 2018 at 08:28 PM

I already asked her. She said she doesn't love me. But she does have similar feelings to my definition of love. She told me not to focus on the word, but instead the feelings.

I'm doing good with everything. My relationship with her is still strong and secure. I'd say because we have talked about our relationship, I'm even more secure. I don't feel that asking her if she loved me was a bad thing. And she didn't seem to mind. I'm sure she didn't want to hurt my feelings, but she saw value in telling me otherwise she wouldn't have.

ScarletPimpernel · Jan 22, 2018 at 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maybeblue

"Love" means such different things to different people. I say "I love you" to my husband, my mom, my sister-in-law, my cats and several friends. My husband will say it to me, but not his parents or his sisters or anyone else. Obviously I love my husband differently than I do my cats. But it's the same word.

So you might talk to her about the different kinds of love and realize that some people reserve that word only for certain relationships. Would it be enough if she said "I like you and I care about you?"

Yep. That is enough for me. And I know she cares. I don't doubt that.

fille_folle · Jan 23, 2018 at 09:09 PM

I would never ask a T this. Ever, ever.

My longtime T did tell me she loved me. I think she did/does. I mean, if I died, she would cry. I have no doubt.

Jan 23, 2018 at 09:42 PM

Possibly an alternative question.

My friend’s kid sent me 3 questions for an assignment he has to do. I sent them to my ex therapist and stand-by therapist to answer about me. They responded right away. I Told my current therapist sh me could change love to like since some therapist have an aversion to using the L word with clients. She didn’t. She wrote: “What I Love about you is...” I never really thought about her loving me most likely because I got enough from my ex therapist. Yet, I am secure in what she provides and I can definitely say she does love me without asking directly.

▪What do you love about me?
▪What drives you nuts or bothers you about me?
▪What recommendations would you make to me?

musinglizzy · Jan 23, 2018 at 09:53 PM

I have not read all of the replies, but one time, a couple of years ago, I wanted to tell my T something very difficult. I was nervous and scared that she might get angry with me if I told her....

It wasn't planned, but I just blurted out "do you love me?" And it went into a short lecture about how that word is reserved for family/close friends. Then, that evening, I got an Email from her accusing me of bullying her for asking that question. I was heartbroken, and still really never got over it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I have thought about this a lot. I read about people on here whose Ts say they love them. Ex-T basically said she loved me. I do love current T, and I know she cares about me. But does she love me? Is it even okay for a T to love their clients? And if so, is it okay to tell their clients?

My T is mostly blank slate... So that will be an issue in itself. I also think she didn't agree with ex-T telling me she loved me (but that conversation was a long time ago). M
And my T has pretty strong/healthy boundaries.

But I want to know if she loves me!

However, I know (and I think she knows) if she tells me she doesn't love me, it will devastate me. I will feel rejected. I will most likely have a breakdown, and it will set our relationship back.

It's weird though. As of right now, I'm okay if my T doesn't love me. What matters is that she cares. But I think hearing the words "I don't love you" will kill me (not literally).

So I want to ask her if we can talk about love in a therapeutic relationship, specifically love from a T. I want to know her opinion on it, and I want to know how she feels about me.

How do I bring up this topic with her? (Btw, I plan on emailing her so that she has time to think about how she wants to address it).

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SilentMelodee Member Member Since Nov 2016 Location: The Northwoods Posts: 164 7 71 hugs given	Nov 23, 2017 at 11:06 PM #101 I'm curious....regardless of a client wanting to hear it or not, is it truly ethical for a T to tell a client they love them? My T uses the word LOVE all the time, sometimes I think it's on purpose, not never to say she loves me maybe loves something I did or something like that.
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Amyjay Magnate Member Since Mar 2017 Location: Underground Posts: 2,439 7 692 hugs given	Nov 24, 2017 at 03:59 AM #102 is it normal to feellove for your therapist or them for you? I can't imagine it. I saw my ex t for maybe 9 months and I've only seen new t for about 3 months (some crossover when I was seeing both at the same time) but I really can't imagine feeling love for either of them or being loved by either of them. Like, not at all. This love thing baffles me.
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ScarletPimpernel Wise Elder Member Since Nov 2013 Location: US Posts: 8,443 (SuperPoster!) 10 6,514 hugs given	Nov 24, 2017 at 04:09 AM #103 My T says it's normal to feel love towards a T, especially if you have like abandonment issues or small support circle. But that doesn't mean everyone does. __________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica
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captgut Grand Poohbah Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Here Posts: 1,731 7 1,505 hugs given	Nov 24, 2017 at 06:24 AM #104 Today he said he doesn't love me like all the time, but sometimes during a session he can feel it.
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Sheffield Member Member Since Mar 2017 Location: United kingdom Posts: 137 7 57 hugs given	Jan 22, 2018 at 05:04 AM #105 I think there may be cultural differences surrounding this topic-in the UK (certainly the southern half) I think most of us and our therapists would curl our toes at the thought of the "love" word I was slow clapping when my psychologist said I pushed him out of his comfort zone-made him human as he is psychoanalytic trained but "love" omg!!
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just2b Veteran Member Member Since Nov 2009 Location: SpACE Posts: 597 14 141 hugs given	Jan 22, 2018 at 06:06 AM #106 I'd say listen to the song "Love Exists" by Amy Lee. Its a beautiful song, and something to make you possibly see "love" differently for whomever it is you want to love.
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fille_folle Poohbah Member Since Nov 2017 Location: US Posts: 1,172 6 702 hugs given	Jan 23, 2018 at 09:09 PM #113 I would never ask a T this. Ever, ever. My longtime T did tell me she loved me. I think she did/does. I mean, if I died, she would cry. I have no doubt.
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