Has the therapist you hire told you that you hurt them?

stopdog · Oct 10, 2017 at 08:54 AM

Has the therapist you hire told you that you hurt them or upset them in any way?
Did you care?

CharlieStarDust · Oct 10, 2017 at 08:59 AM

She hasn’t. Do I care? Yes - because as a human, I don’t like knowing I hurt another human, and I genuinely like her. Does that affect how I am in future sessions - no. I work with her specifically because I don’t have to take her being into account.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:03 AM

I worry that I hurt T1 by leaving fairly abruptly and switching to a different T. She said I had to do what's right for me. And that she'd miss working with me. But she didn't say I hurt her, even though I suspect I did (because we've been working together for 6 years). I think she knows better than to tell me that, even if I did.

atisketatasket · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:05 AM

None of them have.

I might care in a vague Golden Rule way, but in the therapeutic context--where they claim to be able to handle almost everything short of criminal behavior that a client throws at them--I think it would be manipulative of a therapist to say that.

Oct 10, 2017 at 09:13 AM

My first therapist said something i said to him was "like a dagger through [his] heart" and he also twice told me I had triggered him. It upset me a lot at the time. The unethical douchebag.
My current therapist would never ever say such a thing. I'm lucky I found a competent one.

Oct 10, 2017 at 09:22 AM

I said "other" because none of them told me that I hurt them with these particular words. One of them had lots of impulsive and defensive reactions that seemed more like a hurt child than a therapist, he also sounded quite desperate and manipulative at times. He said, for example, that what I said to him was "nasty". I did not care about hurting him, if anything, I felt motivated to crush him a bit at times, especially after a while, because he was so incompetent and messed up in many ways, clearly not just from momentary error.

My other T could pretty much take anything without becoming defensive and sounding hurt. Just a much more secure, healthier person, I think. With that one, I did feel some guilt when I thought what I said went to far, but he never made me feel guilty about it.

My opinion is that it's not always bad for a T to provide feedback about how a client's behavior affects them to raise awareness, but it should never be expressed in an impulsive, angry, blaming manner.

Oct 10, 2017 at 09:23 AM

She has, yes. Says she felt hurt, felt wronged by things I've said. :/

peaches100 · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:23 AM

My t has never used the word "hurt" to describe her reactions to me. She did recently admit though that she had a negative reaction to something I said before she had a chance to step back and see the situation objectively.

I think I've probably hurt her feelings at least a couple other times, but not maliciously. She is trained to deal with it, so if she has ever felt hurt by something I've said or done, she has been capable of setting her feelings aside and looking at the big picture. It was only during our last rupture that I became aware of her taking something I did personally, and she admitted having done so temporarily.

Oct 10, 2017 at 09:25 AM

Yes, she did. And yes, I cared. I felt terrible.

stopdog · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:27 AM

Interesting that people are reporting yes but no one has actually voted yes.

Fuzzybear · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

My first therapist said something i said to him was "like a dagger through [his] heart" and he also twice told me I had triggered him. It upset me a lot at the time. The unethical douchebag.
My current therapist would never ever say such a thing. I'm lucky I found a competent one.

That sucks

I agree, an unethical douchebag

I’m glad you’ve found a competent therapist now

I had a t who said I’d given her more “difficulty than any other client”
She was “all heart”

If that was true I’d be very surprised... I think she was just being mean

captgut · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:31 AM

No, but I know I've hurt him. He looked hurted. And he keeps reminding me of this... situation. So seems I've REALLY hurt him.
Yes, I care. I felt terrible.

Oct 10, 2017 at 09:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Interesting that people are reporting yes but no one has actually voted yes.

Perhaps because of what I said for my case: that often they express being upset and hurt but indirectly, not with those words or similar. I cannot imagine that a T who has conflicts with a client, intense negative reactions etc, never feels hurt and it never shows. They are not made of steel. With the one of mine I said it did not happen, we simply never really had ruptures and fights - easy that way. I imagine that few Ts would tell a client "you hurt me", it probably shows more through their complex reactions.

rainbow8 · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:43 AM

I voted yes. I feel terrible about what I said to T once. It was about her being thin. I was angry and left a mean message on her voicemail. She told me that it hurt her, and asked why I felt I had to say it. She told me she has feelings; she's human. I was glad she told me because it made me realize that just because she's a T and I pay her, that doesn't mean I can say hurtful things to her, about her. I care very much about her feelings.

While I didn't hurt her, when I told T that I drove past her house, she was upset, and even said she was scared. I felt very bad about that and promised never to do it again. This was the second time, in her other house. The first time I didn't promise.

stopdog · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:45 AM

I don't care when the woman says she has been upset by me - first I think it is a manipulative tactic on those people's part and secondly - if it by chance was true - then good - I think it is good when they see the game they set up has peril.

toomanycats · Oct 10, 2017 at 09:52 AM

My therapist shares his feelings openly.

I'm pretty sure he's more scared of things/anxious about our therapy than I am.

ElectricManatee · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:00 AM

My therapist shares her feelings when she thinks they will be useful for me. I tend to assume people are responding negatively to me when they not be, so sometimes I ask how something made her feel. Once or twice she has said that something we were going through in our relationship had upset her or was difficult or painful for her, but she has never said that I hurt her. When she does share her feelings, it's always in a calm, matter of fact way, and it usually happens after whatever it was is over. So I think I affect her, but I don't think she expects me to be responsible for making her feel better. That's not my job.

Oct 10, 2017 at 10:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Interesting that people are reporting yes but no one has actually voted yes.

I didn't vote because it is old therapist not current and the question says "therapist you hire". I haven't hired him for nearly three years.

Oct 10, 2017 at 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Interesting that people are reporting yes but no one has actually voted yes.

Sorry I can't vote on my phone/Tapatalk.

stopdog · Oct 10, 2017 at 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

I didn't vote because it is old therapist not current and the question says "therapist you hire". I haven't hired him for nearly three years.

The pollster's lot is not an easy one.

I was not accusing anyone -I just found it interesting.

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Has the therapist you hire told you that you hurt them?

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stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 35,051 (SuperPoster!) 13 1 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 08:54 AM #1 Has the therapist you hire told you that you hurt them or upset them in any way? Did you care? __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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CharlieStarDust Member Member Since Oct 2016 Location: Canada Posts: 265 8 16 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 08:59 AM #2 She hasn’t. Do I care? Yes - because as a human, I don’t like knowing I hurt another human, and I genuinely like her. Does that affect how I am in future sessions - no. I work with her specifically because I don’t have to take her being into account.
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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 21,623 (SuperPoster!) 9 76.2k hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:03 AM #3 I worry that I hurt T1 by leaving fairly abruptly and switching to a different T. She said I had to do what's right for me. And that she'd miss working with me. But she didn't say I hurt her, even though I suspect I did (because we've been working together for 6 years). I think she knows better than to tell me that, even if I did.
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atisketatasket Child of a lesser god Member Since Jun 2015 Location: Tartarus Posts: 19,304 (SuperPoster!) 9 12.4k hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:05 AM #4 None of them have. I might care in a vague Golden Rule way, but in the therapeutic context--where they claim to be able to handle almost everything short of criminal behavior that a client throws at them--I think it would be manipulative of a therapist to say that.
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Anonymous57382 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:13 AM #5 My first therapist said something i said to him was "like a dagger through [his] heart" and he also twice told me I had triggered him. It upset me a lot at the time. The unethical douchebag. My current therapist would never ever say such a thing. I'm lucky I found a competent one.
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Anonymous45127 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:23 AM #7 She has, yes. Says she felt hurt, felt wronged by things I've said. :/
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Anonymous43207 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:25 AM #9 Yes, she did. And yes, I cared. I felt terrible.
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stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 35,051 (SuperPoster!) 13 1 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:27 AM #10 Interesting that people are reporting yes but no one has actually voted yes. __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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captgut Grand Poohbah Member Since Jan 2017 Location: Here Posts: 1,731 7 1,505 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:31 AM #12 No, but I know I've hurt him. He looked hurted. And he keeps reminding me of this... situation. So seems I've REALLY hurt him. Yes, I care. I felt terrible.
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toomanycats Grand Poohbah Member Since May 2017 Location: USA Posts: 1,734 7 542 hugs given	Oct 10, 2017 at 09:52 AM #16 My therapist shares his feelings openly. I'm pretty sure he's more scared of things/anxious about our therapy than I am.
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