[rainbow8]

The first half of my session was about what I did to feel better during the week. Actually, by the time I was ready to talk about our relationship, there was only 20 minutes left. But I went for it! When I told her about my answer to the "dream T" thread, she said it sounds like wanting a friend. Then I told her about the many people who are retraumatized in therapy and wished they'd never started. She asked if I feel that way. I said "sometimes."

I said that I feel close to her but I still feel like we're strangers. She said it's because of my attachment issues early in life. I didn't feel solid? (can't remember exactly words) with my parents, so the goal of my therapy is to feel that connection with her so that I will have "more rainbow",or something like that. I wish I had better recall of T's words.

I said I wanted to know more about her and she talked about how I didn't know everything about my husband, did I, even being married so many years. That sh is a separate person from me, and do I know everything about my friends? I reminded her that one close friend is very private, and I feel bad. She said the friend isn't doing anything wrong, and I said it's transference, that I want to know more about T because others in my life don't tell me.

I asked why she said meditation changed her life. Is she a totally different person outside of therapy? She replied that it helped her not to dissociate and to stay present. When I said "but you seem so calm and present all the time," she reminded me that she's human and had trauma in her past too.

She asked me what else I wanted to know about her but I couldn't think! I managed to ask something about her daughter.

I was present during those last 20 minutes, and she knew it. I don't think I was when I was talking about my week and how I felt.

I'm relieved because T says our relationship is important to talk about. She wants me to transfer what I have with her, to others. I think I've done that. I've made several close friends in the time she's been my T.

Before I left, I forgot about our weekly hug, so she asked, "don't you want a hug?" She asked if I felt it. I didn't so she hugged me harder!

There was a lot of good stuff packed into that 20 minutes! I wonder why I feel most connected when I'm talking about her and me. I looked at her the whole session, but was not totally present.

I was blushing those last 20 minutes. I told her I feel ashamed. I think it was then that she emphasized how important our connection is to my healing. I think I missed or forgot some things she said, but it's nothing new, just said differently. I feel good, though kind of scared because of the push pull. Wanting to be close to T but these conversations are almost too real for me!

[rainbow8]

Insight: I don't think I need to know more about T's life. What I need is to feel more connected to her. Today helped a lot.

[annielovesbacon]

I'm so glad you got to talk about this! It sounds like it was really positive for you.

[RaineD]

Thank you, rainbow. This gives me hope!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

I'm so glad you got to talk about this! It sounds like it was really positive for you.

Yes, it was really positive! I crave that deep, close connection with T. I have usually felt it was wrong, but T made it very clear that it is right!

Originally Posted by RaineD

Thank you, rainbow. This gives me hope!

There's always hope!

[Sarmas]

That’s so great. Glad you had a good experience.

[Yzen]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Insight: I don't think I need to know more about T's life. What I need is to feel more connected to her. Today helped a lot.

With my T, I often wonder if we have a friendship or if it is only a business relationship. I want the friendship but am hesitant to even talk about this with her (for fear that it will turn into a rejection). I don't know if that makes sense...what you experienced is helpful to hear.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

It sounds like you had a productive session today! I'm glad your t allowed you to ask her some questions, even if she won't tell you everything! It also seems like your t has a good handle on the importance of attachment and knows how to encourage the connection while keeping it within reasonable bounds. I'm happy for you!