[RaineD]

Therapist: "You can either choose to be a grownup or a 15 year old, and I don't know anything about 15 year olds."

Me: "That's false choice. You do this all the time."

Therapist: "Yes, I try to close the door on everything that isn't mental health." (Or something to that effect. I can't remember exactly what he said.)

I interpreted his first statement as--either do what I want you to do (be a "grownup") or go somewhere else because I can't help you otherwise. It felt like emotional blackmail. I think it's f***ed up.

Am I overreacting?

[RaineD]

I'm SO MAD at him! The more I think about it, the angrier I feel.

And it hurts so much.

I don't see him again until next Thursday. WTF, I don't know how I'm supposed to get through the next 9 days.

[mostlylurking]

I don't think you're overreacting. This doesn't sound good to me.

My understanding is that when we have the feelings or reactions or behaviors of a younger person, it's often because there are things from that time in our lives that haven't been processed or dealt with. If you do have a part of yourself that's a 15 year old, then that deserves some delving into, with some acceptance and compassion for that younger part of yourself. Which is the exact opposite of "closing the door" on the 15 year old part.

I get that it's often a goal to have our adult selves in charge-- sure it is. But why doesn't he have any curiosity or empathy or acceptance for the younger part(s) of you? Just trying to shove them out the door, close the door and be in denial doesn't sound at all like therapy to me.

[Anastasia~]

This doesn't sound right. My previousT used to tell me I was "acting childish" in a shaming way. That must have felt invalidating.

[DP_2017]

Any way you can bring it up with him before thur? Email, phone etc? thats a horrible thing to sit on that long, would be best to work it out if you can

[Clairvoyeur]

The statement is an insult to your intelligence and a poor reflection on your therapist. Maybe start looking for someone else.

I hear it differently, but probably because one of the very freeing insights my therapist helped me realize is that I do have choices about how I approach looking at and reacting to situations in my life. We had many very similar conversations like you've written here. I used to not believe him. It used to piss me off because I used to think I had no choice and spent lots of years at the mercy of that belief, but eventually I realized what he was saying was actually true. The skill was learning to deliberately make those choices.

It didn't come quickly though, and it certainly wasn't easy.

[RaineD]

Let's set aside the 15 year old portion of the statement for a second, I'm curious why no one commented on the veiled threat in his statement. I'm not as bothered by his asking me to choose to be an adult as I am by the implied threat that if I don't get with the program he's going to throw me out of his office. Am I overreacting to that part of the statement?

Does anyone else see this as emotional blackmail, or am I crazy?

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by RaineD

Let's set aside the 15 year old portion of the statement for a second, I'm curious why no one commented on the veiled threat in his statement. I'm not as bothered by his asking me to choose to be an adult as I am by the implied threat that if I don't get with the program he's going to throw me out of his office. Am I overreacting to that part of the statement?

Does anyone else see this as emotional blackmail, or am I crazy?

The “I don’t know anything about 15 year olds” was the part of his statement that bothered me. For exactly the reason you state. The first part, eh, rude, but kind of a truism—we all have to make decisions about behaving like an adult or a child. But, then he suddenly inserted himself into the choice, implicitly at least.

So, no, I don’t think you’re overreacting.

[Pennster]

I would be very confused by his approach. My therapist very much stresses my power to make my life better, but he doesn't just make an announcement that I need to buck up. It's something we work on together and in a very positive way, so that I can see a positive path for myself, and realize the many ways I can help myself. And he has always been very accepting of all of my ways of being, including when I am feeling vulnerable or traumatized.

Your therapist's approach seems clumsy and weirdly authoritarian. I can certainly see how it sounds threatening. And clearly it's not an approach that works with you. I would find it very distressing as well. I imagine there are some people who might respond well to his approach, but I think very many people would do a lot better with an approach that stresses compassion and acceptance and allows you to grow into better mental health.

Could you ask him directly if that it what he meant, that he would throw you out of the office if you didn't act as the "grownup" he is commanding you to be?

If that had come out of my therapist's mouth it would have just been a bit of a sarcastic joke-ish comment and I would have understood that because that was the way we rolled. Not knowing your therapist or your manner of communicating with each other, it's hard to say, but I can see how you might take it badly; just not sure that is how it was meant to be taken. Sounds like a clumsy statement on his part. Talk to him about it so you voice how it hit you.

[RaineD]

So I feel like I need to explain the context of both the type of therapy I'm in and my relationship with my therapist. First of all, the type of therapy I'm in (it's called intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) is specifically NOT a supportive form of therapy. As my therapist likes to say, "if you just want someone to hold your hand, you can find someone cheaper than me." And it's true. Haters have called this form of therapy abusive.

My therapist and I also have a certain type of relationship. I have a sarcastic sense of humor, and I think he does too. So, yeah, we do joke around sarcastically all the time. Sometimes I'll play dumb, and he'll roll his eyes at me.

Right before he left town last time, he quite sincerely told me I could text him while he's gone. "I think we've managed to text successfully before." To which I immediately replied sarcastically, "it's unbelievable that we managed to use technology." So we have that kind of relationship.

Also, his statement wasn't a random declaration that I need to buck up, and he's not saying that he's not going to help me with it (otherwise why bother having a therapist at all). But he wanted a commitment from me first. Getting commitments from me to work on something--that's just his style.

I don't really have a problem with any of this, but, as ATAT said earlier, he suddenly inserted himself into the choice. And that just feels a bit...low.

It's like threatening to break up with someone if they don't do XYZ. It's messed up.

I'm okay with him being firm, pressing me against the wall, badgering me, whatever. But when he threatens me with our relationship, I think that crosses a line.

This type of therapy requires a strong therapeutic alliance. The stronger the alliance, the more the therapist can challenge the patient. The relationship serves as the container within which all this crazy ***** can happen. But you can't use the relationship itself as a bargaining chip. Man, he's gotta be blind to not see this. What the hell...

[Amyjay]

Well i am sorry to be judgemental but I think your therapist is an egg and a dork and a whole lot of other words too. I have a 15 year old alter. She doesn't CHOOSE to be 15 she is a part of us that is developmentally and emotionally stuck at 15.
Your therapist doesn't know ****.

[Ididitmyway]

No, you are not overreacting. It IS a blackmail and it's unethical to use it on a client. He is threatening to abandon you basically if you don't go along with his wishes whatever they are (he doesn't even make it clear what he wants because he doesn't say what he means specifically).

This is no way to talk to a client or to ANYONE. This is abusive.

If he has concerns about or objection to something you do, he should talk to you about it in a mature and professional manner, not like a jerk. If he wants you to be a "grown up" he should grow up himself. The way he talked to you is not how grown ups talk.

He acted like a jerk, plain and simple. And whenever a therapist acts like a jerk it's both unprofessional and unethical. I'd tell him to take a hike and would look for better options. You don't deserve to be treated like crap.

[stopdog]

I would not endure this sort of thing - I would find it abusive. I don't think that makes me a hater - if you are finding it useful -then so be it.
It sounds to me like he was frustrated and took it out on you.

[RaineD]

Yeah, he probably was frustrated. I don't think he expected me to be this difficult when he accepted me as a patient. And, of course, I didn't expect him to be this rigid in his approach and this . . . imperfect. So, yeah, it's frustrating for both of us.

I'll definitely have to talk to him about this. Y'all are seeing this in a more negative light than I am. I think it's due to insufficient context. I'm sure isolating the dialogue the way I did made it sound worse than it actually was. Or maybe I'm suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Who knows...

[nikon]

Originally Posted by RaineD

So I feel like I need to explain the context of both the type of therapy I'm in and my relationship with my therapist. First of all, the type of therapy I'm in (it's called intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy) is specifically NOT a supportive form of therapy. As my therapist likes to say, "if you just want someone to hold your hand, you can find someone cheaper than me." And it's true. Haters have called this form of therapy abusive.

My therapist and I also have a certain type of relationship. I have a sarcastic sense of humor, and I think he does too. So, yeah, we do joke around sarcastically all the time. Sometimes I'll play dumb, and he'll roll his eyes at me.

Right before he left town last time, he quite sincerely told me I could text him while he's gone. "I think we've managed to text successfully before." To which I immediately replied sarcastically, "it's unbelievable that we managed to use technology." So we have that kind of relationship.

Also, his statement wasn't a random declaration that I need to buck up, and he's not saying that he's not going to help me with it (otherwise why bother having a therapist at all). But he wanted a commitment from me first. Getting commitments from me to work on something--that's just his style.

I don't really have a problem with any of this, but, as ATAT said earlier, he suddenly inserted himself into the choice. And that just feels a bit...low.

It's like threatening to break up with someone if they don't do XYZ. It's messed up.

I'm okay with him being firm, pressing me against the wall, badgering me, whatever. But when he threatens me with our relationship, I think that crosses a line.

This type of therapy requires a strong therapeutic alliance. The stronger the alliance, the more the therapist can challenge the patient. The relationship serves as the container within which all this crazy ***** can happen. But you can't use the relationship itself as a bargaining chip. Man, he's gotta be blind to not see this. What the hell...

I think I may have had similar types of therapy, and from that point of view, I don't see anything unusual in what the therapist said to you - when I was being counselled in a similar way, I got told similar/harsh things. But that doesn't make it ok. I think that type of therapy was totally wrong for me; it helped me in a couple of ways but really strengthened my inner critic, black and white thinking, and my belief that I'm a bad person. I believed and sometimes still do that if I'm not "strong enough" to take the harshest of criticism in therapy, I'm weak; or that if a therapist isn't being borderline rude to me, they're being too nice. I'm not sure if what I had was exactly this short term dynamic therapy though. just because your therapist is practising this, it doesn't mean that he is doing it perfectly - it's possible that an "unsupportive" therapy can draw out the harshness in a therapist kind of by accident.

I can see that the therapist wanted some kind of total commitment, but if this type of approach isn't working, it's not worth putting yourself through it. I didn't have much of a choice when I had these types of therapy, but if I could have chosen, I would have liked to have had kinder therapists. it messes with your head. there is the supportive therapeutic relationship which is formed with someone who is genuinely helping you, sitting right next to an uncertain relationship with a therapist who can pull the rug from under you. for me it caused a huge amount of fear, and in a sense it did feel like emotional blackmail - constantly trying to live up to the therapist's standards because i wanted to be good enough.

[Lemoncake]

I don't think you're over reacting at all.

Personally I feel that parts need to be accepted by the therapist and can't just have a door closed on them. I have other parts that are children that need security and to feel safe. Having to walk the line, so to speak would unsettle me.

[RaineD]

I'm not sure if the therapy is working, but lots of people have told me over the past several months how they've noticed positive changes in me--how I seem happier and less anxious. I don't feel any different, and I've wondered if my friends are all experiencing some sort of vicarious placebo effect. But, really, I've gotten that feedback from so many different people from different social circles and at different times. The only commonality is they all know I'm in therapy. (Everyone knows I'm in therapy--i post about it on Facebook.)

If my friends are right, then therapy is helping . . . in a magical mysterious way because I have no idea how.

[Iamhiding]

Oh my goodness dear, I do believe if that had been my T that I would have fallen about right at that moment and either not been able to speak another word or would have had to get up and walk right out the door. I would have been crushed myself.

I do not believe for one second you are over-reacting and I personally thing that was one of the most 'wrong' things a T could ever say to a person. What happened to having a supportive place that a person could go to get help with the battles they have. If he can't help you if your feelings and emotions are that of a 15year old, he is in the wrong business. I don't know person on the planet that doesn't have immature times and those going to therapy would have a whole lot more then others, I think at least.

Wow, so sorry you are going through all that!!!!!!!!!