[abusedtoy]

I was sitting against the wall today with my head facing down completely touching the chest, where my messy hair covers my front face to the point that others cannot see my facial appearance, so that others can only see me sideways. I rested both of my arms together on the side towards the wall direction, and my back was positioning upright.

“I can’t see your face. Can you look up and let me see your face?” he asked me

During the doctor’s appointment today in great distress and anxiety, I was looking at the ground consistently with my head facing down completely touching my chest throughout the entire conversation. I was told the other time that they haven’t seen someone like me for a very long time during their entire 15 years of career as a psychiatric nurse. I don’t even know what is the appearance of my psychiatrist was like, because when I was sitting next to him, my head can’t help but to look down feeling depressed, so all I could see is the floor and my legs. In front of my face is my hair covering all over me, so my face is hidden.

“Can I see your beautiful face?” I heard again

With my head still facing down completely, I was being approached and felt that there was a hand trying to move my hair aside. Shaking as I still remain immovable without looking straight at their face, because I have been avoiding any eye contact with the people around me. Oh, it hurts to have my hair be touched by someone else, so much that I was tearing up.

I am too traumatized to even start talking. I could have a panic attack, keep crying and shaking indefinitely if I open my mouth to speak even a single word. I would rather stay silent for several days without uttering a single sound, because it hurts too much to speak. I look awkward and sound awkward. What if when I look up at others, they will notice my red watery eyes being welled up day and night every single second and every single day?

I could barely look at my psychiatrist the first time I met him.

He got out of his chair, squatted down in front of me so he could look into my face, then told me "You matter."

[abusedtoy]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I could barely look at my psychiatrist the first time I met him.

He got out of his chair, squatted down in front of me so he could look into my face, then told me "You matter."

I'm glad we can relate to each other. I also remember that, not my psychiatrist, but my psychologist / therapist where she would asks me warmly. "Can you look at me?" and she added "Do you want me to come down to the floor to look at your face?" I was trying, she was gentle, but I couldn't. I looked down completely to the ground the whole session. I didn't even know her face either, like the same as my doctor.

Originally Posted by abusedtoy

I'm glad we can relate to each other. I also remember that, not my psychiatrist, but my psychologist / therapist where she would asks me warmly. "Can you look at me?" and she added "Do you want me to come down to the floor to look at your face?" I was trying, but I couldn't. I looked down completely to the ground the whole session. I didn't even know her face either, like the same as my doctor.

It's OK to have no or little eye contact. In time, if your T and pdoc are any good, you will start feeling safer.

I still make bad eye contact but it's better.

I'm glad you can hear the warmth in your therapist's voice. Hang onto that. Her eyes and face will be kind too.

[abusedtoy]

Oh, QuietMind, my T also said this once "Do you want me to look away?" when I started to look at her after a long long while. *smiles*

Originally Posted by abusedtoy

Oh, QuietMind, my T also said this once "Do you want me to look away?" when I started to look at her after a long long while. *smiles*

I like your T, abusedtoy. She sounds so gentle. I hope over time that you can look at her more, and that you'll see compassion and care in her face.

[abusedtoy]

Thank you QuietMind. I saw her smiles at me. I never have met such a gentle, tender and warm T as her in my life. She would sometimes bent a little bit of her knees, look very closely to my face when she approaches me. It often comes to a face to face moment. Her face being right in front of me. She said to me "because I care..." when she talked about walking with me together in this journey, so that I am not alone anymore.