[shamon86]

My T is out this week and I'm having a really hard time. I've been in the pit for about 2 weeks now and my depression is not letting up. It was to be expected, it's a hard time for alot of people right now with fall and the holidays. I didn't do a very good job to try and prepare myself, although I'm not sure there would be much I could have done to make it better. At any rate, I don't know what to do. I'm debating calling my pdoc to try and get an earlier appointment (I think my next schduled is mid December or maybe later) but he'll probably want to up my meds or change what I'm taking and I'm not crazy about that idea (I take 20 mg trintellex a day). I don't have a good reason why, I just hate the idea of taking medication for a condition I never asked for. But I guess that's life right?. It's probably my fault I feel so badly anyway, every week I see my T it feels like she wants me to do stuff that may make me feel better, and I just don't make any changes so it all stays the same. It's all I can do most days to get up and go to work and be "normal" so anything else is just too much.
I talked to my T last Friday, and we ended up talking about relationships. I haven't been trying too hard to find one because I'm a mess, nobody wants a 31 year old depressed women who'd rather stay at home on the weekends. I have nothing good to offer anyone. She says you don't want to spend all your time moping around the house anyway, because people get tired of dealing with significant others who are depressed all the time.
Okay so she didn't say all that, she had a much less judgemental way of phrasing it, that's just how I interpreted it. I won't ever be able to be my true self with anyone because they'll all get tired of me and leave. It's probably the reason why I have no friends now. And now I'm freaking out that she feels the same way. She's frustrated with me because I refuse to help myself and thinks I complain all the time. How long before she kicks me out?
Sorry I went on a rant there, I've just got a lot going on in my mind at the moment. I don't know what to do now, I feel like crap and I'm having some dark thoughts. I could try to get in earlier to see my pdoc, but maybe I'm just making things out to be worse than they are. And taking more medication isn't going to save me and make all the sadness go away so what's the point? It's not going to make me change, only I can do that, I just wish I had the motivation.

[TrailRunner14]

I’m so sorry that you are feeling so down and hopeless.

Fall and the holidays can make me feel low too.

When I get in low places sometimes I think of something I can do for someone that would help them feel good. That gives me happiness and helps me.

I’m not to overly excited about Christmas this year and was thinking, this past weekend, about something I could volunteer for. I’m going to be looking for something that I can do to help someone.

Maybe there is somewhere that you could volunteer to serve meals for Thanksgiving.

I love to cook. Around the holidays I like to make brownies and cookies and take them to neighbors.

Just some things that help me.

Here’s a (((hug))) if that’s ok.

[ECHOES]

Hopeless,

It sounds like losing T for a week has become in your mind, losing T forever, or being abandoned or rejected by T.
Do you think this could be a recurring theme in relationships, and that it could end with feeling depressed?

It is hard when T is out for a week. Maybe because it makes T more human, with separate thoughts and needs of her own, a real life outside of the therapy room.

But they come back.

Do you like to write? You could write about missing her and about how you are getting through each day. Reading, watching movies, making lists (reasons you feel sad, grocery items, projects to do now or later, where you would like to travel to, things you've done before that you would like to do again sometime...)

[shamon86]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Hopeless,


It sounds like losing T for a week has become in your mind, losing T forever, or being abandoned or rejected by T.

Do you think this could be a recurring theme in relationships, and that it could end with feeling depressed?


It is hard when T is out for a week. Maybe because it makes T more human, with separate thoughts and needs of her own, a real life outside of the therapy room.


But they come back.


Do you like to write? You could write about missing her and about how you are getting through each day. Reading, watching movies, making lists (reasons you feel sad, grocery items, projects to do now or later, where you would like to travel to, things you've done before that you would like to do again sometime...)

I think it was a bad week in general to not have a session but I knew ahead of time she wouldn't be in this week. I constantly worry that my T will tell me there isn't anything else she can do and to stop coming. I've asked her about it before, but she doesn't believe in doing that to clients. She says that if all I do every week is talk (meaning I don't make any changes in my life) if that's helpful, than that's fine. Obviously I still worry.
When I get so low, I get desperate. I feel so bad I would do ANYTHING to make the sadness and pain go away. Those are the moments that when I'm feeling better, I look back on and scare me the most. I feel like all it will take is one very bad night and I'll do something I can't undo. And while I say I can't do that to my family, it's getting easier to argue both sides. I don't trust myself anymore.
I made an earlier appointment with my pdocx but I'm wondering if it's a waste of time. No amount of medication can make the bad times go away completely, but I still hope that I'll find a miracle. I keep hoping someone will save me, make me stop feeling this way, but logically I know the only person that can do that is me. So I don't know why I still go see my T and pdoc.

[ECHOES]

Since you are feeling worried about being able to trust yourself, seeing your pdoc sounds like a good plan. Maybe just talking about this with him will help lessen your anxiety.

I have the same fears as you, about T pushing me out the door - abandoning or rejecting me), even after all the time I've been seeing her. It doesn't help me when I know she's going to be away, no matter how far ahead I know. I think I'm ready, then when she's gone, the feelings escalate.

It's understandable to want to be rescued from the fears and feelings you're having. Does your T allow you to email or leave voice mail messages? I used to call her work number and listen to her recorded message, to help me.

When do you see your T next?