[retro_chic]

So for about the past 4-5 weeks I have been struggling to find things to talk about with T. It seemed like I was actually feeling a bit better and I thought that maybe I should take a bit of break or space out my sessions a bit more. I had discussed this with T and we talked about what is "theraputic" and what isn't. I decided to take a week off as a trial and it turned out that T was going to be away this particular week anyway so the timing worked well.

I had a session this Thursday after the two week break and I said that I still wasn't really sure what I wanted to do in terms of stopping therapy/taking a break. T basically said that she has used everything she has and has nothing more to offer me. She thinks that we have come as far as we can together and that me being "stuck" for so long is not theraputic. I felt like she was just fed up with me and wanted to get rid of me. T said it is not that she wants to get rid of me but she has to do what is in my best interest and being attached to her is not a good enough reason to stay. I was too upset to really talk much and spent most of the session just sitting there crying. I said that when I had finished up with previous Ts (both went on maternity leave) I had much more time to prepare and I knew when my final session would be. T said there is no reason we can't do that so I booked in a last session for two weeks time.

I wanted some extra time to reflect on things but now I really I want to reschedule for next week instead. I have had so many emotions going on about all of this and I really want closure sooner rather than later. I don't want to finish therapy right now but I feel as though T has had enough of me. I know the therapist can't be working harder that the client but I think I have figured out why I've been stuck and I want to talk about it. I'm feeling very hurt and angry with T but I also don't want to leave.

[RaineD]

That sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

Two weeks is a long time to wait. I think you should move the session up to next week. If you think you've figured out why you've been stuck, perhaps you could discuss that with your therapist, and the two of you could reconsider the decision to terminate?

[growlycat]

Can you start to interview new ts before ending with this one? I’m sorry you are going through this I know it is painful. I never thought she was a great fit for you but I’m hoping you will find how nice it can be to have a warmer therapist. You may end up wondering why you stayed so long with someone so limited. Wishing you the best in your search. Don’t ignore what you need in a t.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by RaineD

That sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

Two weeks is a long time to wait. I think you should move the session up to next week. If you think you've figured out why you've been stuck, perhaps you could discuss that with your therapist, and the two of you could reconsider the decision to terminate?

Thank you for your reply.
I hope to have a good discussion with T about all of this and get some clarification also. I didn't ask T about the possibility of returning in the future if we terminate and it also wasn't like T was refusing to see me anymore so I'm not sure where she stands on the matter. I was really angry with T last session and I didn't even want to see her again at all which is why I said two weeks but I wasn't really able to think clearly at the time. T is going to be away over Christmas and January so that will be a pretty long break anyway... maybe I'll be ready to get back into therapy after that?

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Can you start to interview new ts before ending with this one? I’m sorry you are going through this I know it is painful. I never thought she was a great fit for you but I’m hoping you will find how nice it can be to have a warmer therapist. You may end up wondering why you stayed so long with someone so limited. Wishing you the best in your search. Don’t ignore what you need in a t.

Thank you for the reply.

I'm just wondering what specifically makes you think my T isn't a great fit for me? I pretty much only come to this forum to vent about negative things so that probably doesn't paint my T in the most favourable light. She has strict boundaries but that doesn't mean she isn't warm. I guess it is hard to explain to someone who isn't in the sessions. I'm going to see how my next session goes before I decided to look for a new therapist. I think I need to have a break from therapy in general not just my T so I am going to use the christmas break to do that and then see how I am feeling about it.

[RaineD]

I totally get it. I would be so angry too if I were you.

I hope your discussion with T goes well. Therapy can be like walking through a field of landmines sometimes.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

T basically said that she has used everything she has and has nothing more to offer me.

Oh wow. Hearing that from a T would seen me reeling too. I'm so sorry!

How do YOU feel about that, specifically? I know that you're struggling to find things to talk about - but how do you feel about where you are in your life, and with your mental health? Do you feel like there's more that you'd like to work on? Or do you feel like you're in a good place?

I was too upset to really talk much and spent most of the session just sitting there crying.

Did your T have any other reactions to that? Because, it seems to me, that if the thought of ending therapy causes this much of a reaction - that maybe there ARE things left to work on? Because, while endings are certainly sad - I don't think they should feel *devasting* - right?

I'm not good at this stuff either, so I don't know what exactly you need to work on to get through this, but maybe it's something to think about?

Have you thought about what your ideal ending would look like? What goals you'd want to have accomplished and how you'd want to feel? And... what's the gap between that ideal ending, and where you are now?

I don't want to finish therapy right now but I feel as though T has had enough of me. I know the therapist can't be working harder that the client but I think I have figured out why I've been stuck and I want to talk about it. I'm feeling very hurt and angry with T but I also don't want to leave.:

I don't know, it doesn't sound like she's tired of you - but more like she's trying to act in your best interest. But, if you still have things to work on, and you feel like she can help, and you can communicate those to her - I don't see why you'd have to end now.

I think it's very much worth talking to her about this, and seeing what she thinks.

Moving the appointment up, if you can get an earlier slot, makes sense to me... why torture yourself thinking about "what ifs" when you can just go in sooner and talk it out! I say, go for it!

Good luck. I find this kind of stuff hard too... my new T is already making similar sounds, feeling like she's not able to help me (which sounds like she's ready to bail on me) - and we really haven't done much of anything yet. It's super stressful, and makes me feel (unfairly!) a bit of pressure to "perform" for T. I don't know what's going to happen in my case, but for you, you guys have a history of working well together and if you've figured out what's got you stuck - it sounds reasonable that you'd be able to continue with this T.

I hope it works out, and I hope you get to see her soon, so you can get it resolved!

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

Thank you for the reply.

I'm just wondering what specifically makes you think my T isn't a great fit for me? I pretty much only come to this forum to vent about negative things so that probably doesn't paint my T in the most favourable light. She has strict boundaries but that doesn't mean she isn't warm. I guess it is hard to explain to someone who isn't in the sessions. I'm going to see how my next session goes before I decided to look for a new therapist. I think I need to have a break from therapy in general not just my T so I am going to use the christmas break to do that and then see how I am feeling about it.

What I posted may not be the most helpful thing at this time so I’m sorry for that. Reading your posts, I feel frustrated for you. Yes she sounds skilled in some ways but her boundaries seemed rigid to me. I used to have a t like that and he was very intelligent but not very warm. I stayed because I was too attached to leave. Once he left and said he couldn’t help me, I found the best t of my life.

I don’t mean to be overly critical of your t. I was always impressed that you stayed with her because putting myself in your shoes, I just couldn’t picture going back to a t like that.

[Myrto]

I just want to offer another perspective. I think it's good that your therapist was honest. If she feels she can't help you anymore, then she should tell you instead of stringing you along for months/years. I understand that it hurts but I don't think she's fed up, she's simply feeling powerless for whatever reason and doesn't think she can help you. And she's right that if the only reason you're coming is because you're attached, then it's not a good enough reason to stay. Do you remember the reasons why you went to therapy in the first place? Also: just because she feels that she can't help you doesn't mean other therapists won't be able to help you. You could also take a break and see how you feel. Personally taking a break with my last therapist made me realize I didn't actually need/want therapy anymore.

[Favorite Jeans]

This might not apply to your specific situation, I don't know enough about it, but I thought of this while reading your post.

Something I've noticed in all kinds of relationships is that we can mistake our sadness or even grief about the ending for a reason to continue. Like you think you'd know an important relationship had run its course because you imagine that if it had, the attachment would just have dried up? Like you'd just be over it. Done. But usually the attachment doesn't simply dry up and necessary endings still need to be mourned.

So you feel she's being honest?

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

So you feel she's being honest?

Yes? You don’t think so?

[retro_chic]

Thank you everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it!

I’m have moved my appointment to this Thursday so I’ll let you all know how it goes.

[retro_chic]

Update:

I had my last session with T yesterday and it went well. We talked about how I felt last session and I felt a lot less angry with T after that. We also talked about the progress I had made in our time together which made me feel better too (even though I struggle to see the progress myself).

I told T that I was planning on taking a break until the end of January and then see how I feel. T said she can give me some referrals if I decide to continue therapy after my break. I asked her if I could come back and see her and T said “that would a bit hard, actually it would be very hard because I am closing my practice in March and taking a break from psychology for a while”. I had always thought I could go back to T whenever I wanted and she would always be there. I feel sad knowing I will never see T again even though our relationship was becoming tiresome towards the end.

T said she didn’t want to bring it up last session because she didn’t want it get mixed up with what was already going on as they are seperate issues. It makes sense but I still feel really sad about it. I also feel quite anxious about being on my own and not having a safe person/place to go to if something happens.

[kecanoe]

It sounds like maybe they are not as separate as T is claiming.

However, if you know what else you want to work on, I think I would go ahead and start looking for another T.

Also, it would help me to remember that if something happens, you will likely be able to find another T, just like you found this one.

And, I would be sad also.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by kecanoe

It sounds like maybe they are not as separate as T is claiming.

However, if you know what else you want to work on, I think I would go ahead and start looking for another T.

Also, it would help me to remember that if something happens, you will likely be able to find another T, just like you found this one.

And, I would be sad also.

Thank you for the reply.
I guess “seperate” is the right word. I had been trying to decide if I should stop therapy for about a month and I think T wanted me to be able to make that decision on my own without too much outside influence. A lot of what we had been talking about recently was the power imbalance in the relationship and I think T wanted me to be able gain some control by deciding to finish in my own.

Also, T said that closing her practice next year is a “new development” ... I’m not sure how new exactly but yeah. Therapy sure is strange and confusing!

[growlycat]

Sounds like her own issues are making it hard for her to continue in her career as a therapist. At least I hope you can take comfort that the difficulties you were having are not all you. She may have been contributing a great deal to the problems actually. I am hoping whatever you decide to do will get you to a better place. You worked so hard. Just imagine how much you will achieve with a therapist in a healthy place.

[Ididitmyway]

If the therapist is the one who decides to terminate the work than she is ethically obligated to give you referrals. Otherwise, it's a client abandonment. I see that you are in Australia, so may be the rules are different there. But, regardless of what is ethically required in your country, on a moral level what your T is doing is unethical. When you are not ready to quit, she can't just leave you high and dry. It's inhumane. She has to take time to find places/practitioners that could accept you as a client and then to make a closure. Sorry you have to deal with this. This is unfair to you.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

If the therapist is the one who decides to terminate the work than she is ethically obligated to give you referrals. Otherwise, it's a client abandonment. I see that you are in Australia, so may be the rules are different there. But, regardless of what is ethically required in your country, on a moral level what your T is doing is unethical. When you are not ready to quit, she can't just leave you high and dry. It's inhumane. She has to take time to find places/practitioners that could accept you as a client and then to make a closure. Sorry you have to deal with this. This is unfair to you.

She did offer me referrals and I said that I wasn’t sure what plans are after January and my T said I am welcome to email her anytime and she would be happy to give me a list of therapists. She said I’m not obliged to take the referrals but I want to be clear she did offer them to me. Also, it was my idea to take an indefinite break before T told me she was closing her practice. I was never sure if I was going to return in the first place.

[Ididitmyway]

I see from your later post that she is offering you referrals.

Well, I hope your next therapist will be a much better match for you. Endings are tough. In therapy especially. And, yeah, it feels like rejection and, in the way, it is. But if the T is not willing to work with you, it's better to end it sooner than later. Unfortunately, therapy is not a harm-proof enterprise and these kind of situations are unavoidable even when the T has the best intentions.

Good luck with finding a good T.

[annielovesbacon]

I'm really sorry to hear this. I wonder if "maintenance" therapy is an option? That is, maybe you don't see your T as regularly as you currently do, but you still have her if something happens, or you suddenly are no longer not needing therapy.
I know that leaving your therapist feels awful, even if it's amicable, but maybe it would be comforting to know she's still your T even if you don't see her as often.

[annielovesbacon]

Oh no, I apologize for not reading your update before replying. I'm sorry to hear your T is leaving therapy and you can't go back. I know that must be hard
I'm glad she gave you some referrals, I hope you find a new T you can make a connection with. Maybe what you felt was a "dead end" in your previous therapy, a new T can bring something new to the table.
Best wishes to you.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

Oh no, I apologize for not reading your update before replying. I'm sorry to hear your T is leaving therapy and you can't go back. I know that must be hard
I'm glad she gave you some referrals, I hope you find a new T you can make a connection with. Maybe what you felt was a "dead end" in your previous therapy, a new T can bring something new to the table.
Best wishes to you.

Thanks

Other than this T related stuff, I feel overall okay at the moment so I'm not too focused on finding a new T right away. I have been thinking though that if I do see a new T in the future I would like to try a male T. I have only seen females before and with this last T, I had a lot of maternal transference towards her and I think it was starting to get to a point where we just kept going round in circles. I would be interested to see how a male T would change that dynamic.