The 3 female characters.

Others might remember my story from here over the years.
Character no. 1 my birth mother. Never met her.
Character no. 2. My abusive adoptive mum
Character no. 3. An aunt who stood up for me many times when I was a child. She died when I was 12.

I divorced my adopted mum 10yrs ago. Found out she died 6yrs ago.

Often I've told T that even though I know all the things my adopted mum did that were awful/cruel/sadistic, I still don't hate her! I loved her! And that confuses me.

Then 1 session I said to T "I imagine dying, going to where every one goes after death (possibly a big shopping mall where everything's free?!?! ) and there's a bench with all 3 characters sitting. I have to choose who to go to. I know I'd choose my adoptive mum again, still"
T said "but..... You wouldn't stay with her?"
Me: "no, no, I don't think I would"
We then spoke about how abused children defend their abusive parents.
I added, yes. And in my head, even thinking about being taken away/rescued from my adopted mother, I chose her!
T said, thats because your life with her, Was all you knew.