[MoxieDoxie]

I restarted therapy for my eating disorder but my damn borderline has come flooding back. How do I know. Well I am back to my manipulative tactics to get some kind of between session contact with this new therapist. It starts with sending a thank you email to stroke his ego on how well the session went and how it helped me. Even if it didn't but it always gets them to send a response email back. I learned that if you send emails not focusing on problems but focusing in on positives or insights about yourself or the session they will 90% of the time reply.

I still do not understand this horrible need to get this attention. I am a grown woman. I was out of therapy for 2 years doing well but started having a relapse in my eating disorder and thought I better find help before it goes overboard.

[SalingerEsme]

I understand the impulse, bc the T has a lot of power & control in their chair. It could be a kind of testing them to make sure you are in good hands, and maybe down deep you was them to hold the boundary and not fall for this, or maybe deep down you want to make sure they will be there if you really need it? I am not sure why you would do this, but I am sure it is deeper than just manipulating(?).

*raises hand*

Me. I do this. I have never been told I am borderline but it would not surprise me. I hate being manipulative but I do it ALL THE TIME. Is it something that bothers you? Is your T aware of it? I would bring it up with him even if that is not what you are there for just so he is aware and maybe you could learn to understand that need?

[MoxieDoxie]

I don't know. This T is young. Super young. Just got married last year. Just started his own practice with someone else. He just quit his job at a hospital. I know I have this horrible desire to be parented and care for since I was emotionally neglected and abused as a child so being loved and wanted is what is missing. It is creeepy that I would want that from this young man. My old T did do a form of reparenting with me (he was my age) and it helped so much to the point I felt like I had life again. All my destructive symptoms abated.

I definitely do not want to discuss this with any T. Way to embarrassing plus he might completely shut off boundaries to the point where no emails will be answered and then that will put me in despair.

Youths. *shakes fist in frustration*

That does make everything more difficult. I am not sure what I would do in that position. I totally get the fears but I also get the pain of falling back into old habits. Is there a small thing that you could bring up just to kind of test the waters and see how he would react to the bigger stuff?

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I don't know. This T is young. Super young. Just got married last year. Just started his own practice with someone else. He just quit his job at a hospital. I know I have this horrible desire to be parented and care for since I was emotionally neglected and abused as a child so being loved and wanted is what is missing. It is creeepy that I would want that from this young man. My old T did do a form of reparenting with me (he was my age) and it helped so much to the point I felt like I had life again. All my destructive symptoms abated.

I definitely do not want to discuss this with any T. Way to embarrassing plus he might completely shut off boundaries to the point where no emails will be answered and then that will put me in despair.

It's not creepy that you want this from your current T, even though he's young. It's not about age--it's about the role as an authority figure. My marriage counselor is older than me, but not old enough to (realistically) be my father (12 years older). Yet I still have (or maybe had? not sure) strong paternal transference for him.

Could you maybe address it with current T from the perspective of how your last T did things? Or at least to say things your past T did that helped you, even if you don't specifically talk about the reparenting?

And I totally get the desire for e-mails--I also had figured out what tended to get a response from MC--sometimes it took sending multiple e-mails/texts or saying a certain thing. But now he's basically cut me off... (Took a couple years though...) Could you maybe talk about your want/need to feel connected to your T between sessions? Maybe together you could come up with a way to feel more connected in general?

I did this sometimes. Not sure it is strongly associated with borderline traits, I don't identify with those and also think that many people try to get attention in this way without it being a psychological issue. A bit of social manipulation is not pathological, it's normal part of interaction and inspiring others to respond in favorable ways. I guess it depends on the quality and frequency of it.

My former therapist taught me it is a need for connection not attention. I have learned that my negative wording obfuscates what I am actually wanting or needing. As a child my needs and wants were determined by others. I would feel bad saying, “ somebody, anybody, notice me, tell me that I have value, that I have worth.” I counted on others for validation, but I wasn’t allowed to ask, so I ever got it. Therapy was all I had, but many times I could not hold onto what was being said, so I kept reaching. My attachment therapist finally said I need what I need and that’s okay and she was there to meet my needs as best she can. We all have needs and wants (imo) that are only satisfied by others and because I can now take in what others are saying it doesn’t just have to be my therapist. I navigate most things on my own, because I value my independence, but every so often I put out an email to friends and family asking for support for bridges I want/need help crossing. My last email did not include therapists which I did not realize until I turned in my project, but I did send a note letting them know I was finished and felt their presence during my stress to get done.

My concern would be getting worse, sort of undoing the progress of the prior good therapy. Especially if seeing this therapist leaves you with the same feelings you had with the other; hence the urges to connect.

If you are having a hard time in life at the moment, it seems reasonable to want comfort or connection with another human being. Do you have others in your life?

I'm not sure if this is even possible, but is it an option to focus on the eating disorder only, to not let your attachment system get 'activated'? And not to revisit childhood experiences?

Is he a psychodynamic therapist?

p.s.-sorry about all the questions!

[RaineD]

Is it possible for you to go back to your old therapist?

[MoxieDoxie]

I am not sure what kind of therapy he does. This is listed on his profile in Psychology Today:

Treatment Orientation
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Bowen Family Systems
Coaching
Cognitive Behavioral (CBT)
Dialectical (DBT)
Eclectic
Family Systems
Humanistic
Interpersonal
Mindfulness-based (MBCT)
Motivational Interviewing
Person-Centered
Reality Therapy
Solution Focused Brief (SFBT)
Somatic
Strength-Based
Structural Family Therapy
Trauma Focused

He is focusing on the eating disorder as I am to write down what was going on at that moment I start partaking in the behaviors and where I feel it in the body.

I can't go back to my old T as I moved out of state and you can't do online therapy unless the therapist is licensed in the state you are in.

I am way to embarrassed to discuss this need for connections with the new therapist so I will have to navigate this on my own. I will have to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it. I hate that longing yearning feeling.

[toomanycats]

have you asked him directly about between session contact? There's nothing wrong with wanting/needing between session contact.

After my previous T moved away, when I went looking for a new T, I made it a "Must Have." During the "emergency interim period" between my long-term T telling me he was moving and my settling down with a new T, I saw a T who did not do between-session contact, and I realized right away this would not work for me.

So, I made it an absolute must have and, when I reached out to therapists to 'interview' them, I began adding the necessity to my request.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

have you asked him directly about between session contact? There's nothing wrong with wanting/needing between session contact.

No I have not asked because I do not have a valid enough reason for between session contact beside just being needy.