[peaches100]

I apologize for the following rant. I know parts of it sound angry and maybe even selfish and whiny. I'm stressed out about seeing my t today and finding out what she has to say in response to my request to find outside or additional support. I feel so hurt and angry, if I don't find a way to get it out, I will explode and say things I don't want to say in my session. I will ruin whatever is salvageable in my therapy relationship. So I am going to dump here. I apologize that it is going to be long and ranting and disjointed. But here goes...

I am angry, very angry and very hurt. I'm handling things more and more on my own, but resentfully. I feel like my t has pushed me into a position where I have to cope with more stressful situations and pain than I can endure. I feel like she is putting her own needs first. She apologizes that she has hurt me, but she doesn't change. She doesn't seem to want to stretch beyond her tight boundaries, even if I need it. But she expects me to keep being flexible for her. Four vacations in the last 6 months? Really? Even though my MIL just died, and we've been having a major rupture that is not repaired? Even though I am already feeling like you are not there for me when I need you? You are so kind and attentive during my sessions. You do seem to care about me a lot. But you won't budge. Why won't you budge? Sometimes, I think you just don't get it. How can we have worked together this many years, and you still don't understand what it is I need from you? There would have to be something very wrong with your brain not to know!

You have helped me a lot over the years, and you have many great qualities. I am so attached to you. But I think your needs have been taking precedence more and more over time. I don't think that's fair. Why should I always have to deny my needs or twist myself into knots to conform to your needs, your preferences, etc.? That's what I had to do with my parents all the time. My needs never came first. Also, you claim that you have never intentionally withheld anything from me that I needed. That's a false statement. You have chosen at times not to provide what I need. Otherwise, we would not have had to continuously discuss how I have needs you can't or won't meet! It's not possible that every time this issue has come up that you didn't understand what I needed. I've made it very clear many times.

You may have made mistakes or misunderstandings have occurred at times, I agree with that. But you have also made intentional choices at times not to meet my needs, when you had the ability to do so. What message are you trying to give me? To me, it sounds like you are wanting me to handle my own problems unless I am in the room with you. You do not want to provide any outside support. OK then, but stop trying to get me to do the deep therapy work that we both know leaves me triggered and in need of support midweek!

We both know you only work 3 days per week, and even then, you are not fully booked. You are traveling more and more as time goes on. You've made it clear through your actions that you can't or won't meet my needs. Then why do you keep discouraging me from finding a new therapist?

If you won't help more, but you don't want me finding someone else to provide that help, what do you expect me to do? Do you want me to just suffer with tidbits of support? How is this any different from my childhood?

Oh, and I also resent the fact that when I brought up finding a different therapist, your concern was that there would be boundary crossings. That really pisses me off! We both know I have attachment issues, but we both also know that I have worked as hard as possible not to impose my needs on you outside of our session. Email was the ONLY thing I asked you for. I don't call you at home, I don't call you at night, I don't threaten suicide, I don't threaten to harm myself, I've never shown up at your door or even drove past it, I've never called your home phone number, I've never asked you to do anything social, I've never asked you to come to the hospital when my husband was very sick and I was scared and the only one there.

Please explain to me why I require such strict and stringent boundaries? How am I such a danger, and my needs so overwhelming, that no therapist could handle my attachment needs without boundary problems resulting? You always tell me that I am projecting onto you my mom and other people who have hurt me. I think that YOU are projecting onto ME somebody else...someone you know who you have to (or have had to in the past) keep strong boundaries with to prevent chaos from erupting. But that person is not ME.

I am not a danger to you and I never have been. But you treat me like I am. Like you are scared to death that if you give me even a little bit of attention, communication, affection, I'm going to run a mile with it. You treat me like somebody with BPD who will trample all over you unless you constantly reign me in. Yes, I have BPD traits, but we both know it's a result of my C-PTSD. If you keep treating me as somebody who needs to be limited and boundaried and confined by tight rules, when what I really need is for someone to meet my needs for once in my life, all you are going to do is repeat the same traumas I've already experienced in my life.

Yes, I know you need vacations. But why NOW?! Why is it that every time I've had a major crisis (which isn't very often), you ALWAYS happen to be out of town? Again, just like mom...always on her business trips when terrible things happened. But we can't talk about that, can we? Because it gets me too upset, and then you don't want to have to communicate with me midweek if I dissociate and become overwhelmed by the emotions that come up for me because we talked about abuse.

If you can't see me for what I am, understand what I need, and care enough to step outside your comfort zone to help me, then at least make an effort to help me find someone who can.

I know I won't be able to say most of this to my t, and if I did, I would feel so guilty afterwards, it would make me sick. I also know that I am probably exaggerating the situation and seeing it in black and white because I am so upset. It's not that my t has not done a lot to help me, or ever gone out of her way to show she cares. I'm just very angry and very hurt right now. I am grieving my MIL's death and am still mad at my t not being there for me enough when it was happening and I needed support. The fact that she is now taking vacation after vacation is just ticking me off even more.

[stopdog]

I hope the appointment goes okay for you today.

[ruh roh]

I wish you could say these things to her and not feel repercussions. Holding all of that in is crushing. I can't remember...is it possible to test out another therapist while you see this one? That could make it easier to leave if you find one that can do better for you.

[feileacan]

There's no need to apologize. I think it would be great if you could take this writing into your session because it is a letter to her and it sounds very important.

These kinds of experiences are very familiar to me right now. Mind you, just last week my T wanted me to see a psyD to get some (medical?) treatment for BPD, he also forbid me to call and email him from now on. I don't want to describe what lead to this outcome but anyway I was quite angry and upset about that but I can't really do anything because I know he wouldn't hesitate to end treatment with me (at least temporarily).

However, I always have an observant side who is contemplating these developments from different perspectives and in some sense what is happening between me and my T makes perfect sense and signifies a huge step forward in my treatment. Similarly, what you describe in some sense makes a perfect sense and when looked from a different angle things, although feeling very unpleasant, actually seem to go quite well in your treatment.

I don't have time to elaborate on these thoughts right now, nor am I sure that I want to because I'm not sure this view would be welcome by you or anyone else in this forum. However, if you want to hear it then I could PM you.

[peaches100]

I CAN'T DO IT...After telling my t I wanted to talk about getting outside support, I can tell that I am not in the right place to do so. My emotions are so raw and my ability to stay calm and rational so unlikely today that I think it would only result in making things worse. I'm going to have to step back and follow through with my earlier plan, which was to keep our focus on subjects that are not likely to invoke my feelings of hurt, rejection, or neediness. We can review the DBT chapters as we previously planned to do. I need time to step back from my feelings and get a grip. Maybe next week's session will feel like a more appropriate time to discuss the subject of my needs again. Oh, how I am coming to despise the whole subject of emotional needs in therapy!!!

As a heads-up to my t, I emailed her this...

I need to give you a pre-session warning. I'm not feeling well today emotionally. I've changed my mind about discussing the subjects of my needs and obtaining support. My emotions feel raw right now, and I can't get into it. Maybe next week. We can review the DBT book if you want. Please be gentle with me today and I will try to do the same.

I realize also, with a sense of resignation and self-disgust, that I have temporarily lapsed into my old habit of repeat emailing when I get too anxious. But I just cant help it at the moment. At this point, I feel that if my t can't overlook it this time, she can drop me as a patient. I have to do what I have to do.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I hope the appointment goes okay for you today.

Thanks, Stopdog. I hope so too. My t has a way of getting me to open up and talk about my feelings. It is not something I want to do today.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I wish you could say these things to her and not feel repercussions. Holding all of that in is crushing. I can't remember...is it possible to test out another therapist while you see this one? That could make it easier to leave if you find one that can do better for you.

Thanks, Ruh Roh! Yes, I have thought about seeing a different t -- even temporarily or at the same time I'm seeing my t -- just to get the extra support I need. My t and I talked about it. She didn't think it was a good idea. My husband is totally against the idea too. I haven't given it up completely as an option. We have an Employee Assistance Program at work that allows us to have 2 or 3 sessions for short-term issues that we need help with. If worse comes to worse, I may just meet with somebody a couple of times to get an outside perspective of the situation with my t. What I think I really need is a way to continue separating from her, but in small enough steps that it is not so painful and grievous. I've been seeing her for many years, and she is close to retirement. I need help to start phasing things out now, rather than trying to desperately obtain extra support from her when she clearly can't offer that to me. I would much rather be able to independently manage the process, rather than introducing another therapist into the mix, though, if it is at all possible for me to handle it myself. My goal is to not get involved with another therapist again unless absolutely necessary. I've gained enough insight, and I know now that what I am looking for can't be found there.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by feileacan

There's no need to apologize. I think it would be great if you could take this writing into your session because it is a letter to her and it sounds very important.

These kinds of experiences are very familiar to me right now. Mind you, just last week my T wanted me to see a psyD to get some (medical?) treatment for BPD, he also forbid me to call and email him from now on. I don't want to describe what lead to this outcome but anyway I was quite angry and upset about that but I can't really do anything because I know he wouldn't hesitate to end treatment with me (at least temporarily).

However, I always have an observant side who is contemplating these developments from different perspectives and in some sense what is happening between me and my T makes perfect sense and signifies a huge step forward in my treatment. Similarly, what you describe in some sense makes a perfect sense and when looked from a different angle things, although feeling very unpleasant, actually seem to go quite well in your treatment.

I don't have time to elaborate on these thoughts right now, nor am I sure that I want to because I'm not sure this view would be welcome by you or anyone else in this forum. However, if you want to hear it then I could PM you.

Hi Feileacan,

I appreciate your comments. I would like you to PM me your thoughts. I also agree that, in some ways, this is probably a learning experience for me. I just wish it didn't feel so agonizing and last so long. I think I've been through the ringer enough, and I'm getting so tired.

[here today]

Peaches, it seems to me that the thoughts you wrote about are your responses and reactions and DO belong in your therapy IMO. Whether youT can tolerate and/or respond helpfully or "therapeutically" ( those may be different) is another matter.

It occurred to me recently, in part because of helpful feedback on this forum, that my "separation" and indivuation process did not go well. Due to a number of factors probably including my temperament, the dynamics in he family of origin, and the social environments​ I have placed or found myself in generally.

For me, I think "fighting it out", following a relatively secure attachment, might well have been a normal part of the process that didn't happen in my FOO. Was not "allowed" in the family of origin and that was really the core of what happened with my last T. Was not allowed there either. I'm a science nerd. It came to a point that how I wanted to proceed in my therapy was based on some theory I had read that rang true for me but was not her specialty. And she wouldn't go there, wouldn't consider it, we had to continue to try to work things through in the "relational" way that she knew, had been taught, suited her temperament and that of most people who go into being therapists.

I know not much of what I am like applies to you but perhaps the principle that "I am me and that's OK" may.

I definitely hope you find ways to get your needs met. And hopefully your T can be be of use in the process.

[kecanoe]

I think your idea of seeing someone from your EAP is a good one. You do need support right now.

Hope your session goes ok.

[Wonderfalls]

As far as the many vacations go, yes that seems excessive, and I can see how that would result in her not being there for you when you need it. But you do realize that's not her purposely pushing you away. Some of the things you want though seem unrealistic as you probably realize. I can't imagine my therapist coming to the hospital to visit my husband as much as you felt like she should. Not doing harm to yourself is about you, not her. You're angry that she won't let you envelop her but that's also for her own protection.If she is overwhelmed then she may just feel like she can't help you the way that you want or need.

Why do your husband and she think you shouldn't use your EAP? I would. I think it's her fault if she can't make you come to terms with the treatment she does give you. Do you think another therapist would give you more? Her advice not to is not the be-all and end-all of your choice. If you do appreciate her after all--and it , and it sounds like you might despite the rant, then discussing it (again?) may make you feel better too.

Not socializing is just common boundaries we all put up with. As is no home calls. From what you say, you're also over-emailing her. Can you write them and relieve some of your frustration without actually sending them?

You might see these as mean, complaining thoughts, but it sounds to me like you're not getting reasonable needs met (I realize some are wishes). Maybe you feel like you've been accepting crumbs for quite some time; always the one to bend, concede, appease?

It sounds like you are working up to assert yourself which can possibly lead to healthy negotiating. Didn't your T agree to email after your successful negotiation? Don't forget people who feel worthy feel they are worth getting reasonable needs met and don't accept crumbs. Well this is my pattern in an attachment relationship with T. Maybe not yours....

If I may say so, you seem really hard on yourself. If so, I hope your T can help soften the harsh inner critic/superego. I'm sorry it's difficult.

[here today]

I also found that "part" of me that held, or was, mean and vengeful feelings was essential in developing a strongly assertive attitude, something still in process but I think/feel I'm getting a picture or sense of the outline.

I eventually have accepted that mean and complaining feelings I had about my last T were in response to not being treated well, something I was used to "just taking" or numbing out. Those feelings don't mean that I have to "act" mean, but I do now feel they feed into a healthy assertiveness. And that takes some time, venting, and occasionally​ not so wonderful expressions. Kind of like learning to ride a bicycle.

[Amyjay]

This really is anger at your parents. Replace "T" (or "you" when you are writing to T) with your mom and dad and that is where your real anger is, even though it feels like it is at t.
T is not obligated to give you those things at all. They are not in the T contract. She IS there for you within the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship.
Your parents, however, emotionally deserted you your whole childhood. THEY were supposed to be there for you when you needed them. And they weren't. THEY put their needs above yours, time and time again, and they were NOT supposed to do that. They were supposed to look out for you, care for you, care about you, be concerned about you, be dependable when you needed them. They were supposed to be good parents.
T is not your parent, even though you are angry at her as if she was. Your anger is okay. You have the right to be angry about being overlooked, ignored, pushed aside, neglected and unheard. You are angry at T because her boundaries feel like all the times you didn't get what you needed from your parents.
Maybe it is safer to be angry at T than it is to be angry at your mom and dad?

[Teddy Bear]

Do you need to look for a new T