[rainbow8]

Two topics. Please excuse typis and abbreviated writing. I am very sleep-deprived.

1. T said she gave me the reduced fee so thinks I should overlook her distraction one time. She said she's leaving it up to me what to pay. I hate that! I could keep it $100 but I gave her $125.

2. She's cancelling her trip but won't be here next week. I think she's going to her family in a nearby state. She said it isn't the right time to go away due to whatever is going on which she said she won't tell me.

Of course that triggered me. I googled her first time in about 2 years but won't go on FB since I promised. I assume it's divorce or someone sick or lost job or accident or something like that and of course related to her being distracted.

I KNOW it's none of my business but I am always very curious about my T. Eventually I find out things because I'm a good detective even if I don't look for more information.

I happened to see T's bfs last name and photo. No big deal now that I know. I think she might retire and move to a nearby state where he is. That explains why they live separately.

Please no lectures about boundaries. I've seen my T for 7 years. She doesn't have to tell me anything but now I want to pay her the whole thing. Because we're not friends. I'm feeling so crummy that the above is not such a big deal. I kinda wish I weren't so attached to T. Well, at least she told me it was something to do with her family.

[MoxieDoxie]

I internet stalk every therapist I have seen. I feel it levels the playing field or something. Evens out the power differential for something. I could be wrong or I could just have a mental disorder....lol

[stopdog]

I think it is very wrong for her to tell you she does not have to do her job because she gave you a reduced rate. To me, that is complete ********.

[unaluna]

Well - maybe the distracted session and the cancelled trip are connected?

The other thing, for me anyway, is - you dont learn anything if everything is always at the same level. Why not talk about your feelings about her being distracted? Really dig into them. Your disappointment in her. How or why you expect everything to be perfect. How it relates to you dissing your grandchildren (or whatever it is you do) when they fail to meet your expectations (or whatever it is they do). Everything in t can be used.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think it is very wrong for her to tell you she does not have to do her job because she gave you a reduced rate. To me, that is complete ********.

Agreed, she accepted the reduced fee, so it's not fair for her to hold that over you. And give you any lesser service than she gives clients who pay full fees.

[Crook32]

I think it was ok for her to ask you to forgive her for being distracted this one time. She is human and apparently does have something going on in her personal life. But where she went wrong was bringing up the reduced fee as the reason you should forgive her. Your T should never try and give you a guilt trip.

There's a difference between asking for forgiveness and saying rainbow "should overlook" it. Rainbow is paying for a service at the agreed rate and she is entitled to receive that service fully. If she doesn't receive it it is completely her choice as to whether or not she wants to overlook it. No 'should' about it.
Totally agree with stopdog and LT.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

I internet stalk every therapist I have seen. I feel it levels the playing field or something. Evens out the power differential for something. I could be wrong or I could just have a mental disorder....lol

Thanks. My problem is that I usually end up telling my T that I did it. She refused to tell me about her bf/partner last year and I dropped it after I tried to find him quite obsessively. I hate when people withhold information from me. T and I have talked about that a lot. She won't like it if I tell her I found him but I didn't go searching this time..I googled T, and their names came up as giving a donation to an organization. I wasn't even looking! I was trying to find out what happened in her family.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think it is very wrong for her to tell you she does not have to do her job because she gave you a reduced rate. To me, that is complete ********.

Maybe I've given the wrong impression. My T wasn't totally distracted. She was on her phone for about 10 seconds maybe, and apologized. I'm very attuned to her and sensed her distractedness during the session but it's not like she wasn't doing her job at all. Anyway, I can't change the way she feels or thinks about it. I'm more concerned about what to pay each week.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Well - maybe the distracted session and the cancelled trip are connected?

The other thing, for me anyway, is - you dont learn anything if everything is always at the same level. Why not talk about your feelings about her being distracted? Really dig into them. Your disappointment in her. How or why you expect everything to be perfect. How it relates to you dissing your grandchildren (or whatever it is you do) when they fail to meet your expectations (or whatever it is they do). Everything in t can be used.

Good idea. Thanks. I know her being distracted and cancelling her trip are related. She told me. My daughter recently told me I live in a dream world where I expect everyone to be perfect. Yesterday T wanted to help me with my physical pain. I wasn't up to deep stuff.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Agreed, she accepted the reduced fee, so it's not fair for her to hold that over you. And give you any lesser service than she gives clients who pay full fees.

I don't think she gave me less service than anyone else. She just thought I could overlook one time in 7 years that she was distracted.

Originally Posted by Crook32

I think it was ok for her to ask you to forgive her for being distracted this one time. She is human and apparently does have something going on in her personal life. But where she went wrong was bringing up the reduced fee as the reason you should forgive her. Your T should never try and give you a guilt trip.

Okay but she did so I have to move on.

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

There's a difference between asking for forgiveness and saying rainbow "should overlook" it. Rainbow is paying for a service at the agreed rate and she is entitled to receive that service fully. If she doesn't receive it it is completely her choice as to whether or not she wants to overlook it. No 'should' about it.
Totally agree with stopdog and LT.

T would have let me not pay for the session. She also is letting me decide what to pay her. She thanked me for giving her $125 and not $100 but I still feel unsettled about it. Not sure what to do.

T would have let me not pay for the session. She also is letting me decide what to pay her. She thanked me for giving her $125 and not $100 but I still feel unsettled about it. Not sure what to do.

I was in a similar situation not long ago. T messed up, we had to have extra time to sort it out and I payed him for the extra time. T offered to knock that money off the next session because it was his bad. I said no. I didn't want to pay less, I wanted us both to keep to the contact - me in payment and him in therapeutic responses. To me, him offering to give me the money back doesn't give him a pass on the mistake he made.
I hope you are able to resolve the conflict you have about paying for sessions and work out a solution that eases those unsettled feelings.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Runcible Spoon

I was in a similar situation not long ago. T messed up, we had to have extra time to sort it out and I payed him for the extra time. T offered to knock that money off the next session because it was his bad. I said no. I didn't want to pay less, I wanted us both to keep to the contact - me in payment and him in therapeutic responses. To me, him offering to give me the money back doesn't give him a pass on the mistake he made.
I hope you are able to resolve the conflict you have about paying for sessions and work out a solution that eases those unsettled feelings.

Thank you! I'm conflicted. I paid a $25 copay for 5 years but once I was on Medicare had to pay more. My husband was the one who said I should see her less often so I tried. But when he got sick I needed weekly. After he passed away, I didn't have to worry that weekly was too expensive but still paid $75 which was the reduced rate. I voluntarily raised it to $100. I can afford $165 but it seems like a lot of money. It IS a lot of money! I'm frustrated because I paid $25 for those 5 years.

I don't want to see anyone else. I don't want to start digging into stuff again. I just want to have a safe place with my T who knows everything about me. I used to think she was perfect. She's not. Life isn't perfect and it's getting worse. That's a hard lesson for me. It is what it is! Sorry I'm rambling because I'm up in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping.

[SalingerEsme]

165 is the normal rate here. I try to look at it as paying tuition to a school. If you can afford it, you might want to pay it bc otherwise I cant see how she wouldn't resent it. If she is in private practice, it isnt really so much. They have so many bills to pay, like practice insurance etc and private health insurance, and they cant see an infinite number of patients. My T has a PH'd, and all those years of school are so expensive. I dont resent paying, though sometimes I worry over the expense, and have to give up other things. It is my choice, and I am so aware he could have easier clients in my spot.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by SalingerEsme

165 is the normal rate here. I try to look at it as paying tuition to a school. If you can afford it, you might want to pay it bc otherwise I cant see how she wouldn't resent it. If she is in private practice, it isnt really so much. They have so many bills to pay, like practice insurance etc and private health insurance, and they cant see an infinite number of patients. My T has a PH'd, and all those years of school are so expensive. I dont resent paying, though sometimes I worry over the expense, and have to give up other things. It is my choice, and I am so aware he could have easier clients in my spot.

Thank you. I think I will pay her full fee too.

[Crook32]

Just playing devil's advocate for a second. Have you thought about maybe splitting the difference of the two fees and pay that for a little while and see how it feels and then work your way up to the full fee?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Crook32

Just playing devil's advocate for a second. Have you thought about maybe splitting the difference of the two fees and pay that for a little while and see how it feels and then work your way up to the full fee?

That would mean I pay $130 or so. I gave her $125. I just don't like this wishy washy stuff anymore. I'll pay it all. I'll probably die before I run out of money anyway. I did tell her in the session that I resent paying it all, but it IS her fee, like it or not. I want to grow up before it's too late.

[unaluna]

Just a thought - that her willingness to not get paid for the distracted session - thats more to let rainbow know that she IS committed to you, that you are more than any one paycheck to her, that she is in it for the long term. That its the spirit, not the letter, of the law that matter, ya know?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by unaluna

Just a thought - that her willingness to not get paid for the distracted session - thats more to let rainbow know that she IS committed to you, that you are more than any one paycheck to her, that she is in it for the long term. That its the spirit, not the letter, of the law that matter, ya know?

Yeah, I hope so! Not sure if she will like my knowing who her partner is, and even seeing his photo. He's a respected PhD psychologist, with impressive credentials. The one thing she told me last year was that he was nicer than her ex. So she's got a good thing going except they live in different states but only a few hours away.

Why focus on T? Because my life is crappy right now. I've got to go back to sleep but I AM seeing a Dr. this afternoon. Whooptidoo! Not looking for any great results from it.