[fille_folle]

I saw the same T for 12 years. I recently moved away and haven't seen her for 4-5 months (though we have texted and spoken on the phone a handful of times). I just googled her to check something for another thread, and received the shock of my life. My T has chopped off all her hair and it's mostly grey. She looks nice, but it's a drastic change. I feel shocked. My T had the same hair for 12 years and now it's suddenly different. I feel distressed. I'm also worried that maybe she got cancer and has cut her hair short in preparation for it falling out. Or that she had chemo and it's just now growing back.

I don't know what the point of this post is, I'm just really shocked and troubled.

[unaluna]

I started getting a reaction to hair dye. Google it, people's faces blow up and get all red. Maybe she felt she was developing a sensitivity. Plus its such a pain to keep up. A short little grey pixie is so cuuuuuute! Yes i have one

[ruh roh]

I think it's jarring any time someone I know changes their appearance, but it's more impactful with a therapist because of being more vulnerable and liking the sameness of certain things. But then I figure my therapist has to deal with changes to my appearance that are jarring enough that others in my life fail to recognize me.

You will probably adjust once you start talking and you can see that she's the same person.

[Argonautomobile]

I remember when I was a little kid, my mom chopped off all her hair, and I cried. Brains don't always know what to do when something changes - especially something (someone) who it's come to rely on as consistent.

But brains adapt. You can get used to anything.

[fille_folle]

The thing is, I can't get used to it because I don't see her regularly anymore. I was hoping to see her when I went back to my hometown for Christmas, but it didn't work out. So now I just feel bereft. I know she's the same person... I just never expected to not see her again the way she was. I like to look at her picture sometimes for comfort, and this complicates everything. If I look at the old picture, I feel like I'll never see her again. Looking at the new picture, I feel disconnected because it feels like I've never met the person I'm looking at. I know I'm being ridiculous. Her face and eyes are the same, it's only the hair that's different. And the haircut is nice - she is a very attractive lady and the new style and color suit her well. I guess part of it is that she looks maybe a decade younger than she is. When I was looking at the new picture, I actually started wondering if she's had botox because her skin is so smooth - there are some lines by her eyes from smiling, but that's it. With the salt and pepper hair, I feel a punch to my gut because it reminds me how old she is. I mean, she's only in her sixties, but such an unexpected and drastic reminder of her mortality brings up a lot of fear in me. I'm also scared because this change would seem to show that there's a shift in how she sees herself. Selfishly, I wonder when she will decide to retire and become lost to me forever.

I also admit that I feel angry at the thought that all her other clients and everyone else in the world have seen her and knew of this change before me. I've never had issues being jealous of her other clients, but this has caused some resentment. I resent that other people have shared her new hair style with her and I haven't. I feel left behind.

[mostlylurking]

I think I would feel similarly. I don't like any sudden changes in appearance, but on top of that it's a reminder that things have moved on. I could imagine that termination after 12 years would be difficult, but you might have tried to think of it as temporary? But with her change in appearance and her older appearance, perhaps it's making the termination seem more final now. Just total speculation on my part.

Could you ask her for a Skype session? Maybe pay her for a half session out of pocket or something like that-- just to adjust to her new look, and reassure yourself she's still available to you in some small ways? I was thinking that as a longer term client she might be flexible, hope that's the case for you.

it would feel really strange for me too. My therapist once cut off her hair and died it black, and it was hard to get used to. But it was just a short phase for her. She quickly went back to her usual style.
I used to have very very long hair, and had it cut to my chin. People freaked out. I just needed a change, as I was tired of messing with very long hair and all that work I had to put into it. eventuallt it grew back out, and I am back to long hair again. though not as long as it once was.
i just needed something different for a little while. that was all it meant.

[ruh roh]

I'm sorry you can't see her. I thought that was all set. 4 months is a short time for someone to undergo such a drastic change.

[fille_folle]

@mostlylurking
We didn't terminate. We had an understanding that we would see each other again. But I think you are right... this has made me face that I'm unlikely to ever see or speak to her regularly again. I think in the back of my head, I figured that once I graduate, I'd have the option of moving back home and resuming with her. Thinking of losing touch with her makes me very sad.

At our last session, she told me she would still be with me, we'd just be physically apart. I guess I felt that was true until today. I do think I need to see her again... If only to give me a chance to enumerate all the ways our relationship changed my life for the better. I suppressed outward expression of my feelings toward her to a large extent, so as to respect boundaries, and it's really hard for me to tell other people how they have impacted me. However, she deserves to hear what a big difference she made in my life. She has already told me how I affected her... I just want her to know that everything she went through with me, all the new things she tried, her dedication and perseverance with me, have made all the difference in the world to me.

Now I can't stop crying. Maybe for the best... I've been unable to cry for 2 or 3 months.

[Misterpain]

Originally Posted by unaluna

I started getting a reaction to hair dye. Google it, people's faces blow up and get all red. Maybe she felt she was developing a sensitivity. Plus its such a pain to keep up. A short little grey pixie is so cuuuuuute! Yes i have one

Pauly Pierrette who plays the "goth" lab tech in NCIS used to die her hair for the show, then she sweeled up and went into shock from the die, se ever since like season 4 she has used spray in color,she will be leaving the show at the end of this season so no more dyeing .

[Misterpain]

Originally Posted by fille_folle

@mostlylurking
We didn't terminate. We had an understanding that we would see each other again. But I think you are right... this has made me face that I'm unlikely to ever see or speak to her regularly again. I think in the back of my head, I figured that once I graduate, I'd have the option of moving back home and resuming with her. Thinking of losing touch with her makes me very sad.

At our last session, she told me she would still be with me, we'd just be physically apart. I guess I felt that was true until today. I do think I need to see her again... If only to give me a chance to enumerate all the ways our relationship changed my life for the better. I suppressed outward expression of my feelings toward her to a large extent, so as to respect boundaries, and it's really hard for me to tell other people how they have impacted me. However, she deserves to hear what a big difference she made in my life. She has already told me how I affected her... I just want her to know that everything she went through with me, all the new things she tried, her dedication and perseverance with me, have made all the difference in the world to me.

Now I can't stop crying. Maybe for the best... I've been unable to cry for 2 or 3 months.

I used to be quiet ,never showed strong opinions , in many cases although unsaid many times I love you was unspoken , then I died ! It took me a while but I tracked down everyone in my life and said what I hadn't, ultimately that experience changed me and I never shut up , life is too short for silence, speak your mind , for better or worse, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't get thru life only to have regrets.

[fille_folle]

Originally Posted by Misterpain

I used to be quiet ,never showed strong opinions , in many cases although unsaid many times I love you was unspoken , then I died ! It took me a while but I tracked down everyone in my life and said what I hadn't, ultimately that experience changed me and I never shut up , life is too short for silence, speak your mind , for better or worse, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't get thru life only to have regrets.

I have every intention of telling her, I was just disappointed it will have to wait for now. I don't live near her anymore, so I can't just decide to make it happen.