I am curious about the therapeutic relationship! It’s so different for everyone.
Lately mine and ts has deepened and of course that may change again in the new year.
I think we have managed to somehow rebuild our trust however temporary that may be.
I am ready for the next stage of our relationship and feel like finally I can start to be honest with her when she pushes me too far- she calls it meeting her at the contact boundary- I call it fighting but after many months of fighting we have come to an agreement that I need to meet her because she sometimes doesn’t know what it is I need and neither do I.
How do you manage your relationship ups and downs with your ya and how would you describe the relationship you have?

[ElectricManatee]

I would describe the relationship as caring, supportive, and stable.

I don't think that are a lot of ups and downs in the therapeutic relationship. I feel vastly different things toward her depending on what I'm working on or going through, but I think she is generally more or less the same toward me. Always listening and waiting and helping me figure out what I feel and why. The secure base.

[JaneTennison1]

After many months of "fighting" it is resolved with you admiting wrongdoing and agreeing to change even though she has been abusing you for months, boy she is a piece of work.

I would describe our relationship as non abusive, one of the few I've had.

[stopdog]

I don't think I had a therapeutic relationship. I had a therapist I hired to sit there. When she talked, it was frustrating and useless. When she did as I requested and did not talk, the time was more useful to me.
The second one was not contentious like the first was before I told the first one not to talk. I still would not have considered it a therapeutic relationship. I never found the idea of a relationship with a therapist compelling.

[wheeler]

She has been amazingly supportive, consistent and patient. She realizes the importance and meaningfulness of therapy and the relationship.

We haven’t really had any ruptures although there certainly have been misunderstandings and concerns and mistakes.

I am still working on completely trusting her but it keeps getting better. Although sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

[rainbow8]

My relationship with my T is similar to what ElectricManatee wrote about her T: she's caring, supportive, and stable. She has always told me that we have a real relationship, and that she has a special place in her heart for me. She has gone the extra mile for me in many ways. She doesn't put herself on a pedestal: she admits she makes mistakes and is a "regular person." She isn't afraid to get close to me. Her style of therapy encourages "being emotionally felt" by each other, being in the present moment with each other. Even when I cross boundaries or do something she doesn't like, she tells me she's not angry and we will just be "curious" about it. She makes me feel special, cared about, and safe. I tell her everything; she never judges me. I care about her too, and I'm glad she's finding happiness in her life. We have some things in common so it's been a good fit from the beginning, over 7 years ago.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't think I had a therapeutic relationship. I had a therapist I hired to sit there. When she talked, it was frustrating and useless. When she did as I requested and did not talk, the time was more useful to me.

The second one was not contentious like the first was before I told the first one not to talk. I still would not have considered it a therapeutic relationship. I never found the idea of a relationship with a therapist compelling.

A lot of people don’t find the idea of relating with therapists as compelling. It’s not something I would describe my relationship with t as.
How would you describe your relationships with your contentious t?

Originally Posted by wheeler

She has been amazingly supportive, consistent and patient. She realizes the importance and meaningfulness of therapy and the relationship.


We haven’t really had any ruptures although there certainly have been misunderstandings and concerns and mistakes.


I am still working on completely trusting her but it keeps getting better. Although sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

I can relate to the one step forward and two steps back, it like a dance and eventually we dance together.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

After many months of "fighting" it is resolved with you admiting wrongdoing and agreeing to change even though she has been abusing you for months, boy she is a piece of work.


I would describe our relationship as non abusive, one of the few I've had.

I did agree to meet her more at the contact boundary. For me it’s not about admitting wrongdoing it’s about expressing my feelings towards her to her at the time.
I think this is a healthy change on my part because I avoid conflict and am not very good at expressing my feelings, that’s why this forum has been a very good place for me to vent my concerns and grievances.

Most of the time, caring warm and supportive. Once in a while it feels like a trap.

[Elio]

The biggest thing that stands out in regard to my relationship with my T is how consistent it has been. She is caring, patient, warm, compassionate, and curious. She takes responsibility to her parts to any miscommunications, misunderstandings, or ruptures. She is flexible and respectful of what I am ready to share and in the many ways I share it. She allows my feelings to be all about me, maintaining/managing any of her own feelings outside of our space. For example, if I state I am angry at her for x, she responds with curiosity and interests as to why x bothered me, what would have been a better way to deal with x – we are able to explore my reaction to x as if the reaction in and of itself is a separate entity. Because of this empathetic “detachment” (for lack of better words), I have become more comfortable talking to her about our relationship. I verbalize more than I used to and without disassociation of sorts. I do still use my journal as a form of sharing this information as well as written letters that I give her in session to read. The solely written form of communication has become less and less frequent as I have built comfort and trust in the safety of our relationship and in her reaction. If I did not believe that she would respond with this same level of consistency regardless of what I present, I know I would never be able to find the needed feeling of safety to build the relationship.

In regards to “meeting her at a ….”, I did have to start acknowledging as soon as I could that I was noticing that I was losing connection or not tracking anymore, so that T could learn my tells in terms of the start of disassociation. This also allowed her to know when to switch gears on her interventions. I could see how in these early stages of disassociation, one could take a T’s behavior as badgering. I don’t think I ever took hers as badgering, I did take them as overwhelming and wanted to yell at her to shut up but couldn’t say a word. We talked about that at one point, about month 7 or so, that I wanted to yell at her to shut up, to just be quiet a minute, to slow down her questions. She did that. She would go quiet when I said I wasn’t tracking anymore or losing it. She would wait and see if I could talk on my own. If I didn’t but didn’t fully break down, she’d ask a very simple question that would take me in a slightly different direction – a bit of a grounding question. More recently she’s gone to saying “Hey Elio” resulting in me looking at her.

Mona, I’m not sure I completely understand the concept of a contact boundary or meeting her at the contact boundary entails. I know you have wanted things to work with this T, so I hope that this concept works for you guys and the relationship can become more what you need it to be to further your journey. As always, I wish you the best.

Originally Posted by Elio

The biggest thing that stands out in regard to my relationship with my T is how consistent it has been. She is caring, patient, warm, compassionate, and curious. She takes responsibility to her parts to any miscommunications, misunderstandings, or ruptures. She is flexible and respectful of what I am ready to share and in the many ways I share it. She allows my feelings to be all about me, maintaining/managing any of her own feelings outside of our space. For example, if I state I am angry at her for x, she responds with curiosity and interests as to why x bothered me, what would have been a better way to deal with x – we are able to explore my reaction to x as if the reaction in and of itself is a separate entity. Because of this empathetic “detachment” (for lack of better words), I have become more comfortable talking to her about our relationship. I verbalize more than I used to and without disassociation of sorts. I do still use my journal as a form of sharing this information as well as written letters that I give her in session to read. The solely written form of communication has become less and less frequent as I have built comfort and trust in the safety of our relationship and in her reaction. If I did not believe that she would respond with this same level of consistency regardless of what I present, I know I would never be able to find the needed feeling of safety to build the relationship.


In regards to “meeting her at a ….”, I did have to start acknowledging as soon as I could that I was noticing that I was losing connection or not tracking anymore, so that T could learn my tells in terms of the start of disassociation. This also allowed her to know when to switch gears on her interventions. I could see how in these early stages of disassociation, one could take a T’s behavior as badgering. I don’t think I ever took hers as badgering, I did take them as overwhelming and wanted to yell at her to shut up but couldn’t say a word. We talked about that at one point, about month 7 or so, that I wanted to yell at her to shut up, to just be quiet a minute, to slow down her questions. She did that. She would go quiet when I said I wasn’t tracking anymore or losing it. She would wait and see if I could talk on my own. If I didn’t but didn’t fully break down, she’d ask a very simple question that would take me in a slightly different direction – a bit of a grounding question. More recently she’s gone to saying “Hey Elio” resulting in me looking at her.


Mona, I’m not sure I completely understand the concept of a contact boundary or meeting her at the contact boundary entails. I know you have wanted things to work with this T, so I hope that this concept works for you guys and the relationship can become more what you need it to be to further your journey. As always, I wish you the best.

Thanks for this response Elio,
I am really not entirely sure what she means by contact boundary. It is a Gestalt term and I have done some research on it but still have no clear idea what it exactly means. It’s very confusing.
I think you describe very well my understanding of it that I can’t articulate very well here :

“In regards to “meeting her at a ….”, I did have to start acknowledging as soon as I could that I was noticing that I was losing connection or not tracking anymore, so that T could learn my tells in terms of the start of disassociation. This also allowed her to know when to switch gears on her interventions.”
This has happened between t and I wear I can stay more present with her instead of disassociating. I now tell her when I am beginning to feel shame or wanting to get away from her and why I felt like that, what she said and how I felt when she said that.
I am not saying this is right or wrong it’s just what is happening with us in my therapy and it has been helpful and hurtful at times but it is working.
I like the way your t checks in with you and makes interventions accordingly.
My t has had to change her style to fit me and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t