Struggling with the pain of transference in therapy

28, male. I have been seeing a therapist for 1/2 years. Due to social/general anxiety, depression and interpersonal relationship problems. I'm aware that many of you are familiar with the concept of transference in therapy. I am too, and i intellectually know why it happens. I have been experiencing it after 4 months since my first session.


I adore, respect, idealize her so much. I sometimes even love her. Never trusted anyone like i trust her. I am so attached to my therapist that i hurts, it hurts. I know I'm just a client for her, i know i will never have the chance to spend the time with her outside of our sessions, due to ethical reasons. She is very attractive, great personality, not only in my eyes. And, happily married, sign.... I'm feeling the pain again. It hurts so much to know that there is someone who is her partner, that she loves, that she sleeps with him. They are very happy together, and can't seem to cope with those thoughts. They are making me depressed again, very, very depressed. I hate seeing photos of them traveling together. You know, i talked to her about transference and that i have feelings for her, but i didn't go to much on detail (didn't mention her husband). She understood me, was very supportive and told me that it is normal for clients to feel this way. And then we talked again when i had a relapse to major depression. I told her it was because of the pain of what i was experiencing. She told me that was a breakthrough, a realization that therapy has it's boundaries and now i will be able to grow, to see therapy as chance to heal myself.

But that could not be further from the truth. I still fell the emotional pain, her absence between our sessions. I have never experienced this kind of pain before. I feel it everyday and it's draining me. The real reason I'm writing this post is because i am in a very bad condition. I'm feeling suicidal again. I wish to die, to end my pain. I was never able to fully heal myself because i "forgot" the initial reason why i started therapy in the first place. Now it's just my longing for her. I am very lonely and my scars are open again. I LONG, YEARN FOR HER. I want her to hold me, i want to fell her kindness and compassion everyday. I despise myself for having these thoughts. And i hate that the only person who makes me happy belongs to someone else, i hate that. I just wish i could free myself from those feelings. Why can't i just see it as a chance to have met an awesome therapist and person, and move on? Why can't i let her go? Oh the irony. the therapist that destroyed my suicidal thought is bringing them back, stronger than ever. I'm very close to end it all and i just don't know what to do. My hands are shaking as i am writing. Please help me, please.

I'm so sorry you're suffering this much. Please try to hang in there. This forum is a good place to read others' experiences with transference, and you can find support here. I hope you will keep posting. When do you see your T next?

As it sounds like you may know, some transference can come from our very early childhood years when our mother (it isn't always the mom, but most often) was the center of our universe, and as small children we could be jealous of anyone else who took her attention. Your feelings may be as intense as a three-year-old child's longings would be if they could only see their mother for such a limited time, and others were able to be with her much more often (like her husband). This sounds incredibly painful. What's been tapped into may be very meaningful and if you can get through this period, you may have healed some very fundamental pain from your early years. There is hope for you in this.

Please keep posting here. Wishing you some small relief soon.

While I don’t experience romantic feelings for my therapist, I do experience the type of transference you are talking about where I long to be with my therapist. I feel incredibly attached and wish she would just hold me and take me home and protect me. I’ve experienced that with several therapists now, and I think mostlylurking is right, it stems from the childhood-like experience of needing your maternal figure.

I wish I had answers to give you to help you feel better, but I sadly don’t. I just want you to know that you’re not alone in this, and that I feel your pain. It’s really good you recognize and have talked about with your T what is happening though, that sets you in the path to healing that wound.

I hope for the absolute best for you. ❤️

I'm sorry you're suffering, CN. This sounds very painful. I'm glad you were able to talk about it some, and that she was supportive.

This is a difficult issue - I'm not sure if it helps to know you're not alone, but you're not. I'm not sure if it helps to know that others have worked through / gotten past it, but they have.

I've experienced this a little. When my life got better, it got better. Now I hardly think about the Therapist at all.

Hang in there.

CN - when my transference first started... well after I figured out what it was and that I wasn't going crazy, I longed for my T so much it hurt, I thought my life would end. We actually moved to 2 x week session and that did help some but still was hard. She was in my thoughts almost continuously. I barely could work (granted that was more than what I had been doing as I too was coming out of a major depressive episode). I wanted her to hold me as a mother would a child. I don't know how I managed through that pain, the longing, yearning was so strong, so painful. Over the last year and a half ... mostly the last 6 months, it has gotten less and less painful. Now I miss her a lot and I still think of her a lot. I still see a part of her as mommy and she is ok with that. I'm up to working at 50-70% of the time. I have started getting to the place where I really believe that she is there for me if I need her - not instantaneously there, but she'll be there as soon as she can and she'll try to help me in whatever way she can. She's told me no on a few things but mostly she's been willing to explore things with me. It has been one heck of a journey so far. I'm looking forward to the new year with her because there has been a lot of internal struggles over the last 6 months, and finally it feels like all my parts are back on the same page as to what we believe and why we believe it.

So.... I guess, I'm trying to say, if you can hang in there and hold onto the hope that this is part of the process for you, take it one step at a time, it could get better for you. There are equally number of stories where things don't go well for one reason or another so I'm not going to say that it will for sure work out for you. I know for me, it seems to be helping and working. It is by no means pain free for me and it is not quick for me either.

I would say talk to your T about and keep talking about those longing feelings, explore them, try to see what they are saying to you, where they might be coming from, what it is about them - this is the chance to really see what is behind the curtain and if you are with a good T, she'll be willing to look with you and beside you.

This post is so eloquent. Are you allowed to write email to her? Maybe you could write to her the story of your day, your window on the world, your memories, the book you love etc, but just send one on the day before your session so it is intentional and under control? . You could invite her into the better things in your mind, and ask her not to reply? I think it helps transference to have the antiseptic of sunlight, for you to see her seeing you as not your disorder but how you understand your best times and if you miss them and want them back etc. I just say this bc you're very good with words even in such a state of anguish.

[QUOTE. They are very happy together, and can't seem to cope with those thoughts..[/QUOTE]
So that is definitely the thing they try to teach us not to do: "mind reading". No one is as happy together as they look in photos. Photos lie and tell the truth simultaneously. Marriage is hard, and I bet you get some tender and attentive attention during sessions the husband does not get.

Have you done this in the past- obsess about a relationship? I think it is the ultimate evasion of self, to give to much vitality to another person while staying in a state f suffering oneself.

That is all I got. I miss my T as well, and feel truly guilty about my boyfriend bc T takes so many of my thoughts out of daily life. I also get defiant and angry inside that with all the confiding and consoling inside session, it is clear once outside it it is the job, the work, at best a "calling".

It is a truly painful situation, but there is a good amount of hope it can teach us about ourselves, and why we prefer to pour our energy out on thing obsessively about another instead of finding a way to put our jigsaw puzzle pieces together well enough to love for real in the real world.

Thank you for your reply. I wish i had your optimism. I agree with you, it is a fundamental pain that i need to end it somehow, optimally with her guidance. I hope she will be able to help me, otherwise i would not know what to do, except the dark thoughts and ideations that I'm having again.

Thank you for your kind words and support.

Sometimes i wish my life would get better too you know, just to ease the pain or to make me more independent from therapy. But this issue is preventing me from making progress.
I really hope i will be able to work it through, i really do. I just want the pain to to go away, it is eating me alive.

I agree and understand you completely. I should talk to her because i haven't told her everything. But I don't have the courage to bring it up again, the topic of transference. I fear that she will abandon me, or transfer me to one of her colleagues. But I mostly fear that our relationship will suffer, which i value very much. She is a good therapist, but also a normal human being. I hope she will be able to understand.

I'd ask you as well if you have had that before, with other people. For me, it's a pattern that I have had in all my life - I used to obsess over teachers, therapists, bosses,.... and now, I can't stop thinking about my current T. It's not erotic in my case even though in the past I used to think it was because I had no idea what else it could have been as a teenager. It's almost always same sex, women, I obsess about. I am now understanding why, to some extent (emotional neglect as a child). However, this doesn't make it go away, and it can still totally take me over.

I guess when you talk about it in therapy, you can get to the underlying issues that causes this. It's hard to talk about it, but I think most Ts should be ready, even expect it from at least some of their clients.

For the longing in-between session... I let myself. I even write poems for her. I try not to fight it because I couldn't win anyway. I feel awful about it sometimes, but I try to tell myself it's okay, and it may be part of healing even though it hurts right now because it's replaying the past pain.

I am happily married, which sometimes makes me feel even worse, because shouldn't my spouse be that person for me I really come home to.... That is a part that makes it worse and fuels the fire because I feel bad about it. I wish I could tell him, but I fell so weird for feeling this way, and I do not want him to think I have a crush on my T (I have had crushes on females before, but this is not it...)...

What I try to do is use it as something that will eventually let me grow even though it may be nothing but painful, annoying, and simply weird at this moment.

Hang in there.

So that is definitely the thing they try to teach us not to do: "mind reading". No one is as happy together as they look in photos. Photos lie and tell the truth simultaneously. Marriage is hard, and I bet you get some tender and attentive attention during sessions the husband does not get.

Have you done this in the past- obsess about a relationship? I think it is the ultimate evasion of self, to give to much vitality to another person while staying in a state f suffering oneself.

That is all I got. I miss my T as well, and feel truly guilty about my boyfriend bc T takes so many of my thoughts out of daily life. I also get defiant and angry inside that with all the confiding and consoling inside session, it is clear once outside it it is the job, the work, at best a "calling".

It is a truly painful situation, but there is a good amount of hope it can teach us about ourselves, and why we prefer to pour our energy out on thing obsessively about another instead of finding a way to put our jigsaw puzzle pieces together well enough to love for real in the real world.[/QUOTE]


Yes, she even encouraged me write an email between our sessions, because i see her once in every two weeks. Maybe her intentions are the same as you mentioned on your firs paragraph.

Yes i did, it happened in the past. I have a sort of an "anti attachment issue", i start to feel for girls who are strong and care about me. It is about me, about never experiencing reciprocal love and being neglected emotionally. I sometimes feel and wish that she will fill that void, and i know it's wrong.

I totally understand the "once outside it it is the job, the work" thing, it is a fragment of the pain that i am feeling.
I wish i would learn something from this situation, to love for real as you said, and to never make this mistake again. To find someone or something. But it is not easy. She is the only person that truly makes me happy.

You have to make this leap of faith, this suspension of disbelief, or it is hard to go on in therapy. I am glad she asked you to write email, bc you come through your words as a real person, and write very well. Use that. Make yourself alive to her outside of her office by showing her what you see when you look out your bedroom window at the street below, what did you take away from Donnie Darko, do you have a dog? Thank her for a tiny thing she taught you , and write out how you used it that week. If you can do that with the intention of self-discovery to go alongside her discovery of you, it will be easier to feel her caring and also easier to locate the love inside yourself for the right person. There are so many kinds of love, and no way to say what is between two people in their feelings of a moment, even if they cant be acted out in real life. We'll never know if she loves you, bc she isnt allowed to say; she very well might. I listened in on a therapy podcast in which they talked about the moments they love their patients in all kinds of ways, and the bittersweet responsibility of keeping that quiet. The situation isnt hopeless to connect with her profoundly, and utilize this connection in the future in an unexpected way.

Have you read any attachment theory?

It is so hard. I have been in love, and even am now, but still my T preoccupies my attention and I feel guilty about it. I want to curl up in the palm of his hand. It hurts, always, to be outside that fifty minutes, and I don't know why. We are peers in age and education, and I dont know that I would have been interested in him meeting him at a social gathering etc. Today though, he had come back from Christmas and plastered his office with new pictures of his kids, and it gave me this huge pang as if I had never loved anyone else and needed love only from this one person, and cried all the way home, inconsolable. My heart still hurts right now, but my brain is like WTF is going on. This crazy behavior I am trying to understand - transference. And yet, however much it hurts, I am better than I was, I have learned so much. That is why know one can answer about this for you- therapy casts a long and magic spell on the patient, almost like a love potion when there is enough trauma or unresolved pain.

Stay with us.

I like your post, SE. I identify with all of the discussions of transference and painful love for one's T. I've had it bad with 2 out of 5 T's. One thing I want to say. My T apparently makes her own rules because she has said she loves me. She talked about a book, Love 2.0 I think is the title, and how it is natural to come to love clients, especially those you see long term. It's a different kind of love but it's still love! She's said it more than once so I know I didn't misunderstand. So, other T's may not express love for be their clients but I do believe it's there.

Hang in there, cold_nomad.

I so agree with you, SE.
I am sitting here, dying to be with my T, and I feel like there is no one else in this whole wide world who can love me the way I want her to love me. I will actually see her tonight.
I know it may be good to feel this intense on a day I actually see her since I can use that in my session with her. I know where it comes from, and I know she knows, as well. And, still, at this moment, I can't feel anything but anger towards my hurt and broken inner child who will not let go and believes she is the only person to fix everything.

It's fascinating knowing so much and still feeling this strong wanting and longing for her, this kind of love that has haunted me all my life. I don't care for romance, I don't care for erotic love, but I am starving for this intense motherly bond. And, SE, you are right. She may very well like me, but in the end I know that even having her as my best friend would not heal this pain inside me.

At this very moment, I can't even imagine letting go of my attachment. On the other hand, if anyone can help, then it's her because I have never had such an open relationship with a therapist.

Yet, I know what she's gonna ask me tonight.... How have you been... and what am I gonna say? Down in the rabbit hole obsessing about you, T? I really don't think so, but I probably should....

Hang in there, guys.

Transference suck....plain old sucks.

For me, it's difficult to discuss these feelings with my T.
She tries, she asks, but it's hard to tell what I feel.

But you know, my T often asks if I feel angry at her (for example, because she is there for me only for 50 minutes, or because she has holidays etc.). And I can't feel anger at all, I'm just really, really sad that it's like that and I can't do anything about it.
I don't know why she asks about anger so often.
Do you feel angry or rather sad when you can't get from your T what you really want?

I feel both.

Anger is a rare thing for me, at least anger directed towards my T. I usually feel just a deep sadness when I can't get from her what I want.

Sadness is what i feel, mostly. Sadness then becomes hatred for myself, and hatred influences my relapse/downfall to depression because then, i feel worthless. The cycle continues.

Interesting twist tonight... I told her about my attachment to a former T, and it was so much easier to talk about it that way than about my feelings for her. Then I told her, well, kind of, that she has taken on the same role now. Ahe didn't talk about it much, didn't dwell on it but didn't dismiss it either.., She went straight to the point, that I myself will have to fix this inner child and that she can't no matter how much I want her to.

I poured my soul out to her tonight, and the transference helped me to open up because I love her, I trust her.
After some very painful days, I have managed to turn the pain of transference into a positive transference that was actually helpful.

In a way, accepting this pain, this wanting, this longing for her is turning into something incredibly positive, I guess.

Dont let the pain discourage you. Take it a step further, embrace it, and give it the chance to turn out well.

Tonight, loving her doesn't hurt as badly; it actually makes me smile.

Oh man, I had three years of that. The sexual attraction didn't help either. But I got throug

UPDATE: I wrote her and email on Friday, explaining a bit how my week went. I also talked a bit about the pain that i was experiencing due to my attachment to her. I told her that i have developed very significant feelings that, if properly analyses together, could actually uncover many things about my general attachment to people who show care for me. I asked her to help me on our next session.
But she didn't reply to my email. Normally she replies the same day or the day after, she never took so long, and i know she read it. I did not mention my suicide ideations, maybe i should have had. I feel that she left me down this time. Maybe i went to far, i hope she is not mad at me. I am feeling worse now and a bit abandoned, lonely. I felt the darkness again, the hopelessness.

Or perhaps she is away for New Years eve and is setting her own personal boundaries to enjoy the holiday and not let work pull her away?

She told me to write her that day. I am aware it is new years eve and all. But why sending me an email, telling me to write her and then not replying to my own email? Isn't she suppose to make me feel better, show me support? She knows this particular time of the year is very hard for me, why letting me down? Instead she is causing me pain. I thing I'm going to take some pills with alcohol, fall asleep because i can't stand it anymore.