[Tbhimscared]

Sometimes I get intense feelings towards my T outside of session and if I was in session while feeling that I think I would snap and maybe yell at my T or say things I don’t mean to her.
Have you ever gotten angry in session or upset with T and how did they react? I don’t know how they’re trained to react when a client gets mad at them or yells or something so I’m curious of your experiences.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

Sometimes I get intense feelings towards my T outside of session and if I was in session while feeling that I think I would snap and maybe yell at my T or say things I don’t mean to her.
Have you ever gotten angry in session or upset with T and how did they react? I don’t know how they’re trained to react when a client gets mad at them or yells or something so I’m curious of your experiences.

Not in session, but on a phone call with my marriage counselor--actually, I guess the sort of lashing out started with my response to a text he sent that angered me, then he called me, and it continued on the phone. I'm usually tend to hold anger in, so the fact that I expressed it to him was kind of a big deal for me. It was mainly my being critical of him, saying things like, "You've been wildly inconsistent with me." It was weird, it seemed like he was trying to keep control of himself, like he was breathing oddly, like little sighs and things. Some long silences on his end. He mostly kept in control, but I could sense the frustration in his voice. And he was fairly defensive as well.

When I talked to my T about it, one thing he said is that it's easier to let anger out on the phone (or in text/e-mail) because the other person isn't right in front of you. That maybe it wouldn't have gone that way in session. In person, you can see the other person's reactions and remember that it's another human being you're dealing with (which is part of why T prefers to just meet in person--like schedule extra session instead of a phone call). My point there is, if I was sitting in the room with MC, not sure I would have said all those things, or at least not used as harsh of a tone.

With ex-T, the couple times I expressed some sort of anger/criticism in session, she got defensive. Which made me reluctant to bring stuff up and express anger in the future...

I have often gotten angry at t outside of session- not so much in session.
I often sent her a REALLY angry text between sessions. I imagine those texts were received like a cow pat in her face.
She often describes the impact they have on her and asks I don’t do that but I cannot guarantee not to do it and that works both ways.
I would never send a text well an angry text to anyone usually but her behaviour in sessions has provoked my anger.
A few times she has said, “ oh Mona, it’s so nice to finally meet you at the contact boundary.” Etc which has only made my anger worse.
I remember one evening when t got REALLY mad at me. She yelled at me, she accused me of all sorts, git very defensive and wouldn’t let me speak. This was obviously coming from something that had happened earlier that night and had nothing really do do with me but I triggered something in her. She apologised after the session and blamed counter transference, she held her hands out to hold mine at the end of our session but I gave her a hug instead.
We have a very complex relationship so we fight a lot.
Usually my anger at t is justified. She had no empathy or pushed me too far in session. She then denies pushing me too far and says “I thought our relationship was strong enough” knowing that would push anyone no matter how strong their relationship was.
I encourage anyone to express their anger in session because it’s a really good way to process it and explore it. Often anger has a negative connotation but it’s a very necessary emotion because we know when someone has crossed our boundaries or said something inappropriate.

[Tbhimscared]

I always wonder what is actually going on in my T’s head and if I got angry but she didn’t really react what would she really be thinking? Would that stick in her head like negative words stick in mine? Or maybe she’s better at processing criticisms than I am

[ElectricManatee]

I have been angry with my T maybe four or five times in the past couple of years. In fact, nobody can make me angry quite like my T can. I think it's because usually she understands everything and is super great, so the times she misses the mark seem extra upsetting. What usually happens is that she says something in session that doesn't hit me quite right, but then it's only after I leave that I start to get angry. I often try to wait and deal with it at the next session, but I have expressed my anger over the phone once or twice. I try to be constructive but brutally honest in what I say. ("It made me really angry when you...." and "I don't think it's fair for you to...." kinds of statements.) Usually my tone sounds pretty angry, though.

My T has always responded with calmness and empathy, regardless of the issue (and I admit that once or twice it was very small things that made me angry quite unexpectedly). My T usually wants to know more about why I'm upset (classic T!), and sometimes she talks a little bit about her perspective on the issue, like if it's just a misunderstanding. She almost never apologizes (even when I think she really, really should), but she also never implies that I'm being unreasonable or gets upset with me for being angry. Sometimes I can tell that she is slowing down and choosing her words more carefully, which makes sense. And sometimes my anger is related to something else, so she might mention that link if she sees it. A couple of times when the incident has come up weeks later (after I'm over it and not angry anymore) she has said that it's a bit difficult and stressful when I'm upset with her, but in the moment she is okay with accepting and processing my anger because it's an important part of therapy.

[Out There]

Good T's know how to handle this and there's a reason for it. Mine have been great when it's happened and seeing where it's coming from.

[stopdog]

Yes. I would doubt the woman actually noticed, but once she said the only emotion I ever showed was anger. I did not find this odd because anger was the only emotion I had around her - she pretty much intentionally provoked it. I had no reason to pay the woman to be happy around her and she was not worthy to get that part of me. I would not have trusted her with sad over anything but dead pets or my person. I am not all that sad in the first place -but certainly she would not have been trustworthy even if I had been. She really couldn't screw up dead pets or my person.

[mostlylurking]

I've gotten angry at my T twice while in session. The first time, I came in mad. I started off by saying I didn't think he wanted to see me, he just hadn't worked out how to terminate me without causing me harm. I then proceeded to be scathingly critical about therapy in general, for about 15-20 minutes. He sat totally still and said nothing during the whole thing. I honestly don't think he moved a muscle, I can remember exactly how he was sitting.

I stopped because I had a particularly terrible anxiety attack. I spent five minutes with my head on my knees focusing on breathing and trying to calm down, and he remained silent (I had asked him not to say anything once I realized my heart rate was about 200 and I needed to stop). After that I was calmer, and we started to actually talk normally. He mentioned some things I'd said that he agreed with, that yes therapy is an odd arrangement and so forth. He was so calm and matter of fact that he almost managed to seem relaxed. He was fantastic.

The second time I got mad it was really out of the blue, and like the first time, it wasn't even anything he had done. I had seen the name of a talk he'd given like 16 or 18 years ago and the title had bugged me, so I tried to bring it up calmly, but my emotions got very strong very suddenly. I was glaring at him and he kind of half-laughed and looked away from me -- it's the only time he's ever looked away from me when I was looking right at him. So, this did rattle him a bit, but he was very kind and he was still mostly calm.

[Lemoncake]

I honestly used to rage, and say things that I didn't mean to try to get a reaction from him like that I hated him and maybe he wasn't a very good therapist if he couldn't figure out why I was upset with him. I would have preferred it if he did snap back something nasty but he never did. He just sat there calm as a cuecumber waiting for me to finish. And he would encourage me to get angry saying things like not all anger was bad and he'd prefer it if that anger was directed to a safe place i.e. him rather than to myself.

I'm less ragey because I've gotten it out. A good therapist should be able to deal with your anger.

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

not all anger was bad and he'd prefer it if that anger was directed to a safe place i.e. him rather than to myself.

They must learn that sentence in therapist-school Mine said exactly the same a few times.

I personally have been way too timid to lash out at T. I usually am "ok" during session but only angry shortly after I leave. Then want to send him a really angry email but never do (I guess the "Dear T-"-Thread helps there.), then forget all about those angry feelings 'till my next session.

And then repeat.

Got mad so many times. Told her I felt like smashing the room up a few times.

Yeah, I have periods where I'm very angry with my therapist. I'm rarely angry IN session, but I regularly get very angry outside of session as I reflect on things she's said. It's a delayed reaction to content during session.

Sometimes I send her angry texts, knowing that her boundary is to never reply to anything. She has highlighted this dynamic many times. She'll tell me that while my anger is OK, my expression of it isn't. I'm working on that.

Sometimes, regarding some stuff, she will repeatedly say i should NOT direct my anger at her, but that I'm really angry with my parents, but unable to express my anger to them (because it escalates and I get hurt). I'm also working on assessing WHO am I truly angry with.

Sometimes when angry with something she's said, I compose a letter and bring it into my next session to read to her. She usually wants me to paraphrase or tell her directly, rather than read from it. If it's a mistake she made (eg, she said a phrase which came across as very victim-blaming), usually she apologises and validates my anger. My anger then melts away and we discuss her intent, how she felt hearing my anger (eg, she felt wronged because I'd assumed ill intent on her part), how it felt for me to express anger and meet empathy and validation rather than anger in return.

If I DO get angry in session, I've kicked the trashcan, dug my fingernails into my hands, hit the wall etc. It's rare now, but for a time, I'd get angry in session quite regularly. The trigger was often her being empathic and validating and compassionate. I did not know how to receive it, and I would also be feeling deep self hatred and unworthiness. There was a lot of pain over the contrast between my experience with her and with my family of origin. She would firmly tell me to stop hurting myself every time I did during session, and remained calm throughout.

[Out There]

One of my triggers is my T being empathic validating and compassionate too. I was walking round a store , got really angry thinking about him like " You're being so bloody reasonable I could have a go at you ! " It comes from my Brother ( totally unreasonable ) There was a period where I was experiencing both positive and negative transference and he was brilliant at holding it.

[Argonautomobile]

Sure. Usually when he ****s up, other times because he's convenient. It's rarely very satisfying; he just gets all meek and contrite and it takes the wind out of my sails.

[RaineD]

I've gotten mad at him a bunch. The most recent time he just pointed out how much clearer I was at expressing myself when I was angry. He said anger wants to be understood. Rage wants things to end, but anger wants to be understood.

With one T, many times outside of session and occasionally in session as well. I usually expressed the anger/frustration to him in emails, a couple times over the phone and only used my session time in that way when I felt it was relevant and helpful for me. Mostly, I did not think that I wanted to pay him just to express anger or fight over stuff that he messed up and made me angry, which he criticized all the time. But I never felt there was any mystery or discomfort around my anger that would have warranted paid therapy, I have ways to deal with frustration in everyday life that is more civil and directly targets issues/people that have an importance in my life, don't need to incorporate an artificial figure for it, for me it is much more productive to deal with the real things. From what I read here and in the therapy literature, expressing and dissecting anger with a T can be very liberating and helpful for many.

[SalingerEsme]

Originally Posted by RaineD

I've gotten mad at him a bunch. The most recent time he just pointed out how much clearer I was at expressing myself when I was angry. He said anger wants to be understood. Rage wants things to end, but anger wants to be understood.

That is a profound thought. I don't know much about anger, or not much wisdom about anger, so I liked reading this.

[Chummy2]

My anger usually comes between sessions. I've felt some anger during session, but than I stay quiet. I wonder what if I would express my anger (in a way that's acceptable).

[peaches100]

Yes, I've expressed anger a number of times toward my t. I guess it shows how far I've come in therapy. In the past when someone would hurt me, I would have just taken it, not said anything, and then just avoided them.

[Tbhimscared]

Originally Posted by Chummy2

My anger usually comes between sessions. I've felt some anger during session, but than I stay quiet. I wonder what if I would express my anger (in a way that's acceptable).

I get really quiet sometimes too when I’m angry. Sometimes I do it almost to get back at T for making me uncomfortable so I try to make them uncomfortable with silence and make them work for it. I don’t understand why I do that, maybe some kind of power play? Not sure.

[kecanoe]

I've gotten mad at various Ts. They all have remained calm and have been willing to talk about it. One has asked me at times if I am angry at him. I usually just tell him if I am angry. I don't really have a problem being angry with them. I can usually find the words to express it.

I do find that a lot of the time there is a hurt or abandoned or rejected feeling going on in me and that is why I am mad.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by stopdog

My dogs are eating the cat's catnip.
Clearly they have species identity problems and I need to find them a therapist.

We have a cat that would really enjoy cat toys, but I am convinced that the dogs would eat the toys. So the cat is reduced to playing with dust bunnies and bottle tops.

Originally Posted by Out There

Good T's know how to handle this and there's a reason for it. Mine have been great when it's happened and seeing where it's coming from.

Got angry at T. He replied that it was fine with him & wished I 'd do it more often!