[Thalassophile]

Has anyone been in a therapy relationship or perhaps even heard of one where the there were strict boundaries in place but both client and therapist revealed they had feelings for each other but did not act on them at any stage as they knew, in reality, acting on them would not be a good idea and any relationship other than the therapeutic one they had would not be realistic or work out. I'm talking about both feelings that were transference/counter-transference or not.

I am not asking in relation to my own situation as I don't for one second think my T has feelings like that for me but I am very curious about this type of situation. If both parties are consciously aware of whats occurring and in control of themselves and know nothing can happen between them is it so bad. I mean are there not some benefits to being able to know that someone has feelings towards you and being able to talk about them in a safe environment whilst knowing that boundaries can't and/or won't be crossed. I appreciate that it wouldn't be helpful for all clients and may cause issues unconsciously or encourage the inner child and what not but feel for some long-term clients/therapists it would be okay. Is this very naive? What are your thoughts?

[Thalassophile]

This might be more suited in the romantic feelings for my T thread

Depends if the T could handle it and still be an effective T.

To me, loving someone is wanting the best for them despite your own personal wants.

Crossing sexual boundaries is not truly loving in my eyes. It shows a lack of love

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by Coming up tails

Crossing sexual boundaries is not truly loving in my eyes. It shows a lack of love

I wasn't talking about cross any sexual boundaries. Simply a therapist letting a client know that they also have feelings for them but due to the nature of the relationship can and never will do anything further about them. I appreciate that loving someone sometimes means doing what is 'best' for them and for some clients that can mean not revealing their true feelings. But for some clients could sharing that they have loving feelings for them, loving feelings for a person who has revealed all of themselves and all of the vulnerabilities good and bad and yet had someone love them and tell them so not be healing?

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by Coming up tails

Depends if the T could handle it and still be an effective T.

To me, loving someone is wanting the best for them despite your own personal wants.

Yes, I agree. I don't think it would be a good idea for the T to reveal them if it was based on their own wants or needs or that they thought that it may negatively impact the client or give them any false hope that a relationship may ensue. I'm really talking about a client who knows that such a thing wouldn't occur. No other relationship between them would ever be feasible.

My T believes in being honest about any kind of feeling.

Theres been times Ive wanted to kill my therapist... but feelings are just that.... feelings. And I think bringing them out in the open can be beneficial. As a reality that its not going to happen, not as an invitation to do it.

The T should hopefully be wise enough to know whether to disclose the info or not. Theres no one right answer I think.

[magicalprince]

I was in this situation and my therapist was the one who could not handle it. Then her inability to handle it of course ended up hurting me as I experienced the loss of a really important relationship.

So in a way she did act on those feelings--they were her reasoning for cutting all contact with me. Once she admitted to feelings beyond just the passing mention of "countertransference" it was like, that was it, she couldn't do this anymore. But partially it was because I already felt and knew a lot of what I experienced was mutual and so I was probing a lot. She could not handle that.

I don't think it would have been so harmful (and it could have been really healing) if she had had the strength to handle the duality without changing her behavior. It just would take a very mature therapist.

That experience really stressed me out and it hurt a lot. I really wanted to hold onto that relationship yet I cared for her too much to press. I tried a few times and her avoidant reactions only hurt worse. So I just let it go, and it's taken a few rough years now to get to a point where I really feel like I've let it go.

Edit to add:

I think it just can really mess with your mind. In my case it wasn't pure transference, it was the real thing, being around her felt like being around a lover to me, whatever we called it. It just was that kind of energy and it's unmistakable, there's no dissonance, no uncertainty, that that was love.

Love can make you crazy, love can make you stupid and afraid. One hour was never enough. I didn't really believe in the therapy anymore. As much as I would have accepted the limitations I knew in my heart that I wanted more. I can't speak for her but I think maybe it was the same for her. She just couldn't trust herself to set the boundaries. It was too hard to maintain it. It was just too... much. As much as I wish it could have gone differently I really don't know if it could have. It's difficult and complex, no matter how healthy she was or no matter how healthy I have learned to be.

It's not the kind of thing you really want to happen in a therapy room. It ends up feeling like settling in some way, it's unsatisfying and frustrating at best. Not really in a positive way, it all ends up feeling kind of unfortunate and out of your control.

[Thalassophile]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

I was in this situation and my therapist was the one who could not handle it. Then her inability to handle it of course ended up hurting me as I experienced the loss of a really important relationship.

So in a way she did act on those feelings--they were her reasoning for cutting all contact with me. Once she admitted to feelings beyond just the passing mention of "countertransference" it was like, that was it, she couldn't do this anymore. But partially it was because I already felt and knew a lot of what I experienced was mutual and so I was probing a lot. She could not handle that.

I don't think it would have been so harmful (and it could have been really healing) if she had had the strength to handle the duality without changing her behavior. It just would take a very mature therapist.

That experience really stressed me out and it hurt a lot. I really wanted to hold onto that relationship yet I cared for her too much to press. I tried a few times and her avoidant reactions only hurt worse. So I just let it go, and it's taken a few rough years now to get to a point where I really feel like I've let it go.

Edit to add:

I think it just can really mess with your mind. In my case it wasn't pure transference, it was the real thing, being around her felt like being around a lover to me, whatever we called it. It just was that kind of energy and it's unmistakable, there's no dissonance, no uncertainty, that that was love.

Love can make you crazy, love can make you stupid and afraid. One hour was never enough. I didn't really believe in the therapy anymore. As much as I would have accepted the limitations I knew in my heart that I wanted more. I can't speak for her but I think maybe it was the same for her. She just couldn't trust herself to set the boundaries. It was too hard to maintain it. It was just too... much. As much as I wish it could have gone differently I really don't know if it could have. It's difficult and complex, no matter how healthy she was or no matter how healthy I have learned to be.

It's not the kind of thing you really want to happen in a therapy room. It ends up feeling like settling in some way, it's unsatisfying and frustrating at best. Not really in a positive way, it all ends up feeling kind of unfortunate and out of your control.

Sorry to hear about your bad ending. That must have been/must be extremely hard to deal with. Yes, it would take a strong, mature and professional T that continues to work on themselves in their own consultations/sessions to be able to hold their feelings and not cross boundaries. It sounds like your T was unable to do that and reacted badly. I can see how that could be hugely damaging to therapy. I'm glad to hear that you are at a better place now although I imagine it is still very difficult.

I'm really just wondering if it is at all possible for 2 people to express and contain their feelings of love for each other within the safety of therapy and not act on them so that they don't negatively impact therapy or the relationship but in actual fact help with growth and healing somehow. In reality, I know that my T does not have such feelings for me although I do have a fantasy where he does. I think it's more that I find the whole area very interesting and was looking to hear others experiences so thanks for replying.