[Merope]

Hi all,

I've been in therapy for about three months now and I see my T once a week. He's helping me deal with a hoard of stuff (self-harm, abandonment issues, emotional abuse from when I was a kid, low self-esteem etc.)

I never had a strong male figure in my life (both my biological father and stepfather majorly let me down) and ever since I can remember I had a penchant for seeking out potential father figures. It started off with certain characters in books and then transferred to real life. When I was in school I became obsessed with one of my male teachers who I saw as an ideal father figure. I liked everything about him and basically fantasized about him adopting me. I even craved to get in trouble so that he could tell me off because, in my head, that showed me he cared.

Now I'm starting to have major paternal transference towards my T as well. To be fair, it comes as no surprise. He's old enough to be my dad, he's compassionate, firm, authoritative and he is giving me life lessons my parents failed to give. When I am with him I feel safe and my vulnerability doesn't feel like a flaw. When I am not in therapy, I find myself thinking about him a lot and wondering how my life could have been if I had had a dad like him. I haven't told him any of this--I'm too mortified to bring it up. I am in my 20s, and yet the craving I have for a father figure surpasses any other craving I have. It's like a button that gets switched on every time I am near a man who ticks certain boxes.

Has anyone else experienced this sort of transference whilst in therapy? I'm starting to feel like my "daddy issues" are pretty much the only thing I can think about at the moment. The craving is so powerful I feel like it's eating me alive. Is this normal?

[maybeblue]

Yes it is normal given your father issues. I don't think it is uncommon at all. And there are probably much less healthy ways to try to have these needs met. I think it would help to tell him about it though. You could start by telling him about the teacher, and then say "oh by the way I have started feeling that way about you too." He probably won't be all that surprised and he can probably help you sort out the feelings.

I think eventually the feelings will fade, especially as you get some of the needs met from your therapist, and probably some of them from other people in your life as well. I remember the first time I had a male therapist I had them. My real father was also pretty unavailable. But I don't have them with my current therapist and I don't think there is any reason why I don't, other than I don't need a father so much anymore.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by Merope

Has anyone else experienced this sort of transference whilst in therapy? I'm starting to feel like my "daddy issues" are pretty much the only thing I can think about at the moment. The craving is so powerful I feel like it's eating me alive. Is this normal?

Seems to be normal in therapy culture.

But normal in the broader sense... tough to make that case in my view.

I think anything that takes over your consciousness ought to be seen as treading on dangerous ground and possibly putting you in harm's way.

[healinginprogress]

Sounds about right. I would encourage you to bring it up with your therapist when you're ready. I can pretty much guarantee it won't surprise or phase your T. Plus then you get to work through it.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by BudFox

Seems to be normal in therapy culture.

But normal in the broader sense... tough to make that case in my view.

I think anything that takes over your consciousness ought to be seen as treading on dangerous ground and possibly putting you in harm's way.

I think it's fairly common in non-therapy culture too. I think it's pretty normal for girls and young women to need that "Daddy" figure, especially if they missed that normal relationship growing up. It's the love and caring, and it's the practical stuff too. I remember in college my sink got clogged. I had no idea what to do. It was before the internet, I couldn't afford a plumber, and I knew if I called my dad he would just yell at me. So I called the pastor of my church...who I absolutely pretended was my father sometimes. And he helped, and I was grateful and now I knew what to do if it happened again. So I needed that father figure just a little bit less.

I think when it gets particularly dangerous is when young women don't realize what is happening and get into relationships with men who are not healthy, and are abusive, but they have that authoritative manner about them that says "daddy."

So I think that even though it is painful, @Merope you are worlds ahead of a lot of people by recognizing those feelings for what they are. It isn't your fault. It also probably not where you want to stay forever, but I don't think it's unexpected at this period of your life either. And I do think a therapist is a good place to discuss those feelings, because he won't think you are weird, and because of the boundaries of the relationship he isn't going to want something from you that you don't want to give.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I think it's fairly common in non-therapy culture too.

Common to have those feelings in non-therapy contexts (or any context), yea for sure.

But therapy is different. You are encouraged to fully expose those feelings, to develop and intensify them, to break down the defenses around the feelings, etc. That is a whole other kettle of fish.

Where else would you have this kind of intimacy with the daddy/mommy figure. Plus the bizarre role playing, the one-way disclosure, the seclusion, the ambiguity, the payment, the artificial nature of it. I dont think people are wired for this.

I don't see any of this as normal in the general sense. I see it as dangerous above all else.

[MoxieDoxie]

Thanks for this as I have the same issue. I guess that is why I seek out male therapists. I want to be very important to the therapist and their favorite. So So silly and it makes me feel so broken and stupid. When I think about quitting therapy I get this visceral butterfly feeling in my gut.

I am not sure who a therapist goes about dealing with this kind of issues? I will never get back the childhood I never had and it seems that knowing what I feel is not doing anything either.

I started with one therapist before Thanksgiving and I just wasn't connecting with him and he was not trying to either. He is almost 20 yrs younger than me and way to passive, sweet and baby faced. Saw a new T for the first time last week and he was on point, direct, took command and hit a major sore point with me right away. Now I am very drawn to him.