more on emailing!

I am going through a very stressful time and as mentioned before email my therapist regularly. I would say this has increased in the last month when I send a longish message every day.
At some point at the beginning of the new year when the stress levels in my life increased and so did the emails volume I was emailing a lot about feeling guilty about all the messages and asking for her to raise it in session so we can talk about rules and bounderies. In the past I've explained here that we talk over skype because I live aborad but a day before we were about to meet in person (this happenes every 2-3 months) she suggested in an email we would talk about my emails. When the session came we never did as there were more urgent issues to discuss. Nothing was mentioned since by her even though I wrote about it sever times.
I am a coward because I can't bring myself to talk about it in person. I send long paragraphs about my emailing to her telling her that I will continue the messages unless she approaches me about it. i do know she reads them and there has been many many times when I asked her (in the email) to tell me if anything has to change.
In the begining we would openly talk about my habits and she was always fine but then when I had a spell of more intense messaging we would jokingly comment that hopefully the next week is gonna be quiter.
Since it got out of control (for me) I have not addressed it in session.
Why can I not start the conversation? I am terrified emails will get banned or restricted. I even explained this very thing to her in an email. She knows that I find it uncomfortable to talk about the emails but for some reason she doesnt talk about them either.
Of course I asked myself why is it that I need to send them and what purpose do they serve me - Its a way to manage stress to feel less alone with the cirumstances and to be able to express everything that is going in freely. The level of trust I have with her and the ability to actually really explain my motiives and fears is incredible. She is the only perso who gets the raw, true version of events.
Well... I suppose I am just curious: is she ok with the messages if she never restricts them? Does she mind?

It's hard to say, confused.

Would it be possible in your next session for you to say 'Can you help me talk about...?'

If you find it difficult, rather than talking about the emails why don't you ask her to teach you ways to cope with your stress. For example journaling, mindfulness, DBT skills.

By learning new ways to cope into ground yourself when you are stressed to the max you'll eventually be able to calm yourself and not have to send so many emails.

Sometimes wonder if therapist who allow all of the excess outside contact get a high from having their clients dependent on them, or if they simply don't have any other tools to teach their clients to live independently. From reading these boards it appears that many therapists enable an unhealthy dependency on them. This doesn't help the client deal with everyday life on their own which ultimately should be the goal of therapy.

Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope your stressors will start to subside this year.

I think the high is mutual, because I get intense pleasure from knowing there is this person who knows my most inner thoughts. Its one of those that I don't really want to learn other techniques. its like an addiction you dont want to quit! it took me forever to get to the point where I am and the idea of being able to talk about whats really going on and not do the quick, 'im fine, how are you' version of evets is my high. When you hold so much in for years and there is this person who reads all the nonsense, all the very intense accounts of whats going on in your life you dont want it to stop!

I just wish she would send the bouderies and tell me when enough is enough

One thought would be for you to figure out what boundaries would seem reasonable and suggest them to her. Like, "I feel like I'm e-mailing you too much and need some boundaries. How about a limit of x number of e-mails per week?" (or certain number of paragraphs, etc.) And then ask her to help you stick to that?

The problem I've encountered with e-mail is therapists who keep saying it's fine, until...suddenly it isn't (this has happened both with ex-T and marriage counselor). Like suddenly, they told me I needed to reduce outside contact. And this was when I had checked in with them numerous times to see if it was OK. I'm not saying this will happen to you--but I'm sure it would be much better if you were to figure out boundaries for yourself before your T might ask for a reduction--because it hurts like hell for them to ask you to reduce contact...

And I completely get the appeal of e-mailing. They would suggest I just journal instead, but there's something about actually wanting to hand the thoughts off to someone else, even if they don't respond. Current T charges for longer e-mails (and sends a detailed response), which annoyed me at first, but it really helps keep it in check, like I'll only send something if I'm really struggling/in a bad place (a couple times in 4 months). It's kept me from getting into that habit with him. But once you're in the habit with someone, it can be hard to break...

@confused... I think the fact that you're wanting your therapist to tell you when enough is enough it's kind of a sign that you feel you've gone over the limit. I agree with LT maybe it's best that you set the limit yourself before your therapist comes in and sets the limits for you at that point you will probably be very resentful. I totally blame therapist for this scenario honestly I don't feel they should allow that extent of outside communication to begin with it only sets the client up for dependency and heartbreak down the road. I understand when you said the high is mutual but again that is the therapists fault for allowing it to happen. If the therapist would have taught you coping skills to begin with rather than allowing all of the emails and the habit to form you wouldn't be in this situation.

Personally I am so glad that my therapist does not encourage outside contact. He taught me mindfulness and journaling from the second session on. I totally get needing to get the thoughts out of your head and that's what I use journaling for or sometimes I will speak them into my phone as a verbal message once I get it out I can let go of it but I don't have to hand it off to my therapist immediately it stays in the journal it stays in my phone until my session then I bring up what still bothering me at the time. I know clients to use emailing and texting as a crutch really enjoy that privilege but I don't think they realize what a disservice their therapist is started until it becomes a problem or it's taken away that it only causes more pain.

In my experience, emailing between sessions is not a problem for everyone. It does seem that some people don't do well with managing it. I don't think it's helpful to have a one size fits all approach just because some people have a problem with it. In my case, I have needed less between session contact over time and been able to reduce sessions, so it's not always the case that it increases dependency.

OP, it may be that your therapist isn't bringing it up because a) you've had other things you've wanted to discuss and she follows your lead or b) she feels it's more helpful if you initiate the discussion.

i suggested being charged for emails and even suggested paying a full price of one appt for her to spend one hour to answer in writing and address what i email about. she never responded to the charging suggestion. i think this would be best because at least i dont feel guilty knowing im taking up her free time.
i even emailed many many times thats she doesn't have to read it, that in a way it a better version on. journalinh and that if there is anything urgent I'll point it out im the title.... but i know she reads each and every email...
i try to set myslef bounderies but its like with being on a diet. illl only have one cookie a week and then i get stressed and have a few each day. i suggest her setting bounderies and she just doesn't mention it. i explained in an email that i need her to have control over that with me..and say every week that if she minds i need to nie otherwise it will continue....
of course the ideal version is she really doest mind and it will ease off once the stress is over and i can email as much as i want for now.. but i dont want her to grow resentful or angry!

The only time my T brought it up was in the context that it seemed to be causing me distress that there wasn't clear boundaries around it. This did not go well at all for me and I took her bringing up the topic as fact that I was emailing too much; even though I too had been writing about the stresses of emailing too frequently or to long of emails. I cut back on my emailing and it has taken some time for me to become mostly comfortable with my emailing frequency.

Does your T respond to your emails? What understandings do you have around emailing already? Maybe acknowledging that there are some boundaries already in place may ease your mind around emailing her. It might also allow you to see how your T takes care of herself in this area of your relationship with her.

I can say that even though my frequency of emailing her is more now than it was a 1-1.5 years ago; my stress over getting a reply is significantly less. I used to be one of those people that stressed about how soon a reply would come, what would be said in the reply and so on. Now I know a reply will come and I can almost write the reply for her. I think this is part of it for me, if I can write her reply, what am I gaining or hoping for from emailing her that I can't give myself. I think about that often before I send the email. I still write lots of emails that sit as drafts and I journal to her usually multiple times a day.

i cant imagine anyone sending me daily emails and and expecting a reply. in theory i would love that. it might come from my obsessive nature or low self esteem or some. I diagnosed BPD traits. in theroy i would love for someone to share as much with me as i share with her...does that make sense?

she doesn't reply and i never expected her to, wouldn't want for her to do it for free but i did suggest paying for a reply. and she said it doesn't work like that very briefly this was over a year ago though and emailing wasn't much of an issue. i have so many draft emails and 90% of them are not impulsive.

The way that it worked for me with one therapist is that I emailed her, she didn't respond, but would print out the emails to discuss at our next session. That was ideal for me because for years I had such a hard time talking to therapists. I'd get in there and have no idea what to say, but earlier in the week I'd be in all kinds of distress. So I could write down thoughts while I had them and get them out and not forget them before the session. It worked well for her too because she didn't have to try to drag stuff out of me.

I did kind of save up my emails and send them all as one, a day or so before my session. I'd write them as I thought them, but just send it once.

I really think that it is the therapist's responsibility to tell the client if email is becoming a problem, but I can see that you would worry about it, and would probably feel better if you could talk to her and come up with some kind of schedule or plan.

Why do you need her to be the one to set the boundaries? Can you try to set your own boundaries instead?

Since you stated you feel guilty for emailing her so much and are terrified emails will get banned or restricted, why not stop sending her so many long paragraphs about the subject of your emails to her? Don't add to the consumption of this. By now, she is aware. She will tell you if anything changes.

ive stopped mentioning it for a while and it was but since its closely linked to the stress factor in life so when i get more anxious guilt kicks in

I think that since this is causing you more stress, you should bring it up to her in your next session. I think that you and she should jointly agree how often you can email her, and what you can expect when you do. I think you have to get her involved in the boundary setting because I think you will always worry what she is thinking if you don't. Like you could think that emailing her twice a week was reasonable, but you might worry that she would still think that was too much and that she is angry with you.

Since she doesn't typically respond to your emails, I think it would be better to bring it up in person with her and say something like "I worry that I am annoying you with my emails, but at the same time they really help me. I wonder if we could talk about how often it is ok to write you because I'm getting really stressed about it."

I know it is stressful to bring stuff like that up with therapists, but I have found that nearly always I feel better after I do it. Because then I know what they are actually thinking, rather than what I imagine they are thinking.

the thing is ideally I dont want bounderies. I want to be assured its ok to write. as explained before I did mention it many many times in emails to her even
in an similar way to what you suggested but always explain that she needs to bring it up in a session if it's not OK as i am too embarrassed about it. she never does so technically when i ask her 'bring it up if it's not OK' and she doesn't it implies she is ok. but then she knows how much i stress over it so why not say 'its ok'

Because she might not actually know how much it stresses you if you never bring it up in person. So many times things get missed or miss-understood in emails. She might have skimmed over that part because she got distracted or focused more on other parts that she considered more important.

i doubt she realises. Its an ongoing theme in emails! but i know that things can be misunderstood when put in writing. I even wrote to her the reason why i dont want to bring it up myself. i am worried she will restrict emails if we start talking about them. but at the same time if I bounderies and restrictions do need to be put in place i want it to come from. her.. i dont want them but will accept if it's a necessity. does that make sense?

Yes it does. I guess you have to decide which will make you more anxious or upset...to just keep going as you have been with the worry that she might possibly take email away sometime in the future, or to talk to her and have her possibly put limits on it now.

I'm a yank the bandage off as quickly as possible type person. So I usually choose to find out if I'm going to get hurt now rather than waiting and worrying about possible hurt coming. And there is always the possibility that she will say "the emails are fine."

She has not felt the need to tell you to reduce your emails, even when you have given her an opening. She ought to be well trained in communicating about problems if she feels that there is one. So I would just assume that the emails are okay unless and until she tells you otherwise.

I like the ideas above about a) asking her to help you develop other coping mechanisms and b) setting your own boundaries around emails since you seem to be having some anxiety about the issue. Decide what you think is reasonable (once a day? once a week?) and try to stick to it.

I disagree with those that say you need boundaries about how often you can email. I think you just need a conversation about it, where she reassures you whether it's actually OK. You can also talk about what you expect of her (don't read it, read it and don't respond, read it and respond 'thanks, see you next time', read it and reply in-depth?) and what she offers.

A while ago.. in the Christmas holidays I think.. I was very agitated and stuff, also couldn't stop talking, and my pdoc mentioned he'd also noticed that by my emailing frequency. At the time I thougt that wasn't related (although the length of my emails was) because the additional emails were about appointments I had had (some medical issues) and I often write about them to give a short summary. Because often I bring up/mention these issues to my pdoc first, or he's the one that advises me to go to my GP, or whoever I saw has advice or medication I want to discuss with him before taking.
Now that I'm less agitated, I do realize it had some influence. Giving a recap of everything said/advised, and also things that weren't so important or need-for-detailed that it would have been an issue if I had shown up at the next appointment having forgotten half the other guy said.
But he never said I shouldn't email. Not sure he would, anyway. If I were to email three times a day, I think he would - depending on the issue - either see it as a sign of how bad my symptoms are (and work on them), or advise to bring the issues I'm mailing about up with my therapist.

As for my T, I'm allowed to mail as often as I like. She used to be part of a team in the big T organization she works for that attempts to keep people who 'need' inpatient therapy, home. They try to reduce the frequency and length of inpatient hospitalizations/residential treatment by providing 24/7 support (phone, what's app, sms, email, as well as increasing sessions as needed) when needed.
She isn't part of that team anymore, now just handles complex people (it actually says so in her e-mail signature. "Complex problems and DBT". She also does DBT), but said 'nothing will change for you'. (I think some things HAVE changed - she's less available - but not the emailing part.)

Again.. I don't think emailing a lot is necessarily a problem. Your anxiety about it is is, and if you feel it's 'maladaptive' or your emailing is standing between you and autonomy, then you might want to do something about it. If not, just talk it out.

She’s a grownup responsible for her own boundary. She knows what you’ve asked her to do, to communicate with you if it gets not ok. It can be an enormous leap of trust to believe that she’s simply ok with the emails. Hugs.

Perhaps this issue could open the door to a broader discussion about asking for what you need: You need to hear “It’s okay.” It sounds to me like you may want some help/discussion about finding the edges, defining the boundary more clearly. Maybe you can approach the discussion in that light?

I would suggest not bringing up the e-mail problem in your emails anymore. It doesn't seem to be helping your anxiety and it could be more irritating to her if you often write about it at length. I'm going to assume she doesn't know what her boundaries are or will be since she seems to be avoiding the topic. I would say cut down by yourself, but that doesn't seem to be possible on your own right now. I think it would be to everyone's benefit if you just let this go in your communications--you've already done your due diligence. If things are going to change then they will, in their own time.

Thanks for all the advice and perspective. It seems that the best apporach is to either confront her in session or just assume I've explained my point of view and not go in lenghts about the guilt in my emails.
I can imagine it doesnt bother her as much as I worry it does. I dont ask for a reply, she can chose when and if she reads them and she still does even though I technically wouldnt have a clue if she didnt.
And for me? I love how open I can be and for the most part I love that she doesnt reply so I am free to talk about anything and everything.. There are times when I would like to pay for her time to reply but most of the emails: i just want to be heard and understood. The emails made me open up so much more in sessions because sometimes it takes weeks of writing about something to finally get comfortable talking about it... and to be honest thats the biggest benefit of emailing. Of course I release my stress but mostly prepare myself to be open in a conversation. Its easier to talk when an issues has been pre-introduced

That for me was part of the inherent toxicity of therapy. Everyone wants the reciprocity you mention, but therapy both inflames that need + completely blocks it. That is nuts. So if you are spilling your guts in endless emails, and getting nothing much back or getting ambiguity, then you have a dynamic that starts to look abusive and withholding in my view.