In Session Today: Part IV

I told him that last session hadn't come away with the assurance I wanted that he doesn't see me as a threat to his family. He said he consciously doesn't. I said I want to know that all of him doesn't. And he said there have been enough of these instances that something is going on for him and he doesn't know what it is.
I said it hurts that he can't give me that assurance. He said it troubles him that he can't.

About 10 minutes from the end I raised what he had said last week about me not asking for hugs, just going ahead and hugging him. I said I had noticed it too. He said it felt different from before, because before I had felt like he had initiated (he said he didn't feel like he had) but that now I don't seem to be experiencing it thst way.
My vision went weird. I stop I myself out of it. He asked what had happened and I told him. He said follow the thought you shook your self out of. What would you say?
I thought and said "I would want to say that I want you to initiate hugs".
Can't remember what was said immediately after that but shortly after he said "the thought I have is that I worry that if I initiated hugs you could experience that as abusive.
I said "I'm not actually saying you should initiate hugs. I said that because you asked me where my thoughts would go."
I said I didn't know whether to give my response to that so close to the end. I said I'm not trying to entrap him. I said it reminds me of when he said he worried I could one day be sat with another T talking about him the way I talk about T1. T said he knows I'm not and he wouldn't have agreed to hug me if he thought that.
A minute passed and he said "did you believe me when I said that?" I said "on one level, yes." I said "I'm also scared you think I am going to make a complaint about you." He said he's not. I looked at the clock which was a couple of minutes over and said "we should stop".
I paid then I said "can I have a hug please?" He said yes and he hugged me tight. He kept trying to make eye contact as we left. He said Take care. There were some people, presumably friends arriving on his doorstep as I left.

Good work Echos!

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Reading this, I felt a visceral sense of anxiety for some reason. I don't usually, and follow your T posts with interests. I got worried if he is struggling with some real feelings for you? Things seem reversed- like you stopping the session and he is seeking eye contact? I love how honest he is and accountable- like saying it bothers him too that consciously he doesn't see you in opposition to his family but he is scrutinizing the incidents. I don't believe my T would share at that level, and I think it is great yours does.

I appreciate those thoughts Esme. I think you are probably picking up on my anxiety actually. I felt very unsettled by the lack of resolution to the session. I usually have a crap week when I don't have a rounded session and that's proving true already.

As for the stopping the sessions - we talked about that today actually. I have ended every session for the last 3.5 years. He said today thst I'm very careful about the boundaries and we talked about how I do seem to feel responsible for everyone's boundaries in every aspect of my life. It makes me quite a naggy parent sometimes and I also slip into it sometimes on PC come to think of it, calling out 'unsupportive' posts when it's not my place to do so. I think it stems from my mother's inability to hold safe boundaries. So it's something I do for my own safety. Going over a couple minutes is very unusual for me though. As for the eye contact, I think he was anxious about the ending. He knows how hard it is for me when the session is unresolved.

We started off by T saying how long I had seen him for therapy, he said about five. I told him that it was actually almost 6 years in September. Of course, now I am worried about he was hinting that he wanted to get rid of me. I hate my brain. If I text him, and I probably will he is going to tell me that no, he wasn't hinting. T is going away on a cruise in September, so I asked him if I needed a fill-in T while he was gone. He told me that I could email him. He so kind and generous. So, now the problem of me worrying if I can contact him or not is solved, I now am worried about what I am allowed to write. I guess I need to talk to him about this. Really, the last thing I want is to bother him on vacation. But I trust him to not overextend himself and then get angry with me.

T told me that last week I talked about how I was worried about how I might say something to make him leave (or terminate, I guess). I went through a very intense time in the past month. Sometimes I feel like I am tempting fate, and that issue is an example. I wonder if a part of me is trying to push T away, but it is only a guess. I am SOOOO confused and at this time I want to keep any chance of abandonment far, far away from me. I think I am building an inner barricade. T went through his schedule book and booked me for extra days until he leaves on his adventure. I feel afraid and a bit confused sometimes. So, I think it was a good session.

T today. Intense as always.

Me: I hate you

T: How come?

Me: You unearthed all of these deep wounds and long buried memories and I don’t know what to do with them.

T: You’re right. I’ve unlocked the box. I’ve arrogantly asked you to trust me and then I leave you alone for the rest of the week. It’s like I’m working against you.

Me: So why are you?

T: I don’t mean to. I’m here to support you. Part of that support is leading us to very uncomfortable territories. Unfortunately, doing that also means that these heavy emotions will linger. They will seep into other parts of your life. I’m sorry.

Me: I’m just not sure how to handle these things

T: You don’t have to do it alone. We can figure out a way where you feel supported even when you are not in this room.

Me: I wouldn’t want to be a bother

T: Em, during our very first session, I agreed to help you through this. I bear part of the responsibility for your safety, progress and healing. We ask a lot from each other. I ask you to be vulnerable every week, and you ask me to help you through that. I intend to keep my end of the deal. Will you?

Me: I can try.

T: That’s all I ask.

Me: I still hate you

T: That’s fair.

I like your T, Em.
You can still hate him, though.

Thanks! I do generally like him a lot. We work well together. But I really hate him right now! I’m just glad he doesn’t get defensive (so far) when I call him out on things.

My most recent session was pretty packed because it had been several weeks.

I started by talking about being so raw talking about my dream in the last session that I'd wanted to curl up in a ball on the floor and cry. But I'd just started talking about something else instead. She told me that if that happened, she would just sit with me and be a witness. And I know that, I told her I know that because she's done that with me, and I even understand it from the other side because I have had the opportunity to sit with grieving weeping people and been the witness. But I just couldn't let myself go, I don't know why.

We talked about the dream, and the deep grief it brought up, and from that the conversation wound around to the future. That if...when...I do form a new relationship, I will choose wisely, and that it will be balanced because (she said) I am good in relationship. She told me she believes that I am a person who is meant to be in relationship with another person, that it is a part of who I am. My gut felt this coming from a place of seeing clearly (rather than a place of "think positive!"-shudder) and I think she sees a piece of me that feels damaged but has potential to be healing.

We talked about the practical and emotional pieces of me being on the fence about continuing to live separated from my kids' dad but in the same home. The feeling of being at a crossroads. The goal of stability has been met, but I have been so focused on that piece that I am suddenly at a loss for what's next.

A little about living an unconventional choice, and that more families are choosing to live unconventionally. Lots of questions to bring out, not necessarily to answer but acknowledge: Does this continue to be functional? How do I live joyfully and completely? We touched on...hard to articulate this one succinctly, I think the question for me is...where is the balance between healing in place and being faced with the shadows daily?

Trusting my inner voice. If I don't quite know what to do right now, maybe it's not time to decide. That I will know when it is time. We talked about patience and anxiety and control.

As we were wrapping up, I don't know what I said that she was responding to, she said, "You don't want to rock the boat." And it was just a descriptive comment, but it hit me in such a tender spot, one of those "Ooh" recognition spots, and I teared up. I joked, "Shuddup," but then I said, "I don't. I don't want it to rock. I am so tired. I just want to rest."

At the end, I said, "I wonder sometimes why I still come here," but that I think it's because I don't have to put on my cheery can-do, it'll all work out face. I can say I don't know what to do and be uncertain and cry about it. She said, "You'll know when it's time to stop coming to therapy too. You'll just know it. And we'll be done, and we'll never see each other again." I nodded, and then we ended.

New thread is here https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...ml#post6235086