In Session Today: Part IV

Here is a place to talk about what happened in your therapy session (or via email/text/phone with your T too)

Everyone is welcome to write about anything that has happened in therapy recently, be it sad, scary, confusing, funny, silly or anything in between.

Continued from: Here is a place to talk about what happened in your therapy session (or via email/text/phone with your T too)

Everyone is welcome to write about anything that has happened in therapy recently, be it sad, scary, confusing, funny, silly or anything in between.

Continued from: In Session Today: Part III

Thank yewwwwwww LT

My T surprised me in a good way in session today by giving me huge lead time on his next absence, telling me why he was missing, and giving me options to choose for handling it. Even though we kind of hit a big deadlock on this issue, and no one was giving an inch for a month, it was really nice and kind of interesting he did a take-two on the whole thing, in a way that showed he understood my view and incorporated it.

We talked for a few minutes about the three clocks hidden to the point of camouflage around the office, and how psychotherapy can seem like a secret society or having a deliberate mystery to it. My T didn't really give the nod that is was like that, or that it wasn't, but he gave the example it could be like Skull & Bones.

Today’s session didn’t go well at all this morning at all. I woke up nervous decided to borrow a cigarette from my sister ( I barely smoke if ever) I got to the office thinking maybe today’s session will go good. She seemed sorta in a good mood but then when I started mentioning how depressed and how tired I’ve been she asked why? I mentioned honestly I think it’s the medicine for the thousandth time like I always mention and she says no it’s working you seem like you are happy. I am happy I just smoked a cigarette beforehand to calm my nerves but I said yes I am happy I Smoked a cigarette before I got here but naturally she brushed it off and said it was the medicine that was making me happy. I told her I can handle whatever side effects that happen to me I know I’ve gotten sick in the past but honestly I can work past that now. Naturally she shuts me down and says nope we need to increase the dose and furthermore the medication you suggested prestiq the last time ya she started rambling on and on how bad it was. Really? Am I hearing this?? She tells me do I need to call your sister to go over the medication increase? Wow.. My sister goes in a few sessions and suddenly she is treating me like a child again like I can’t take care of myself. I often wonder if we don’t click because she’s more proper and always dressed really nice ( just like my sister) Whereas I’m more tomboyish and really don’t care about style. I’m not saying that’s a possibility but she did really click with my sister in the sessions always laughing whereas I was kinda invisible and then she’d ask me the occasional question. I just don’t think she likes me either that or she’s irritated with me I just can’t tell. I just get irritated whenever I leave the office.

I told him trauma is too hard and I don't want to do it anymore, and I sat with my arms folded for 10 minutes.
T said he's not sure where to go because he doesn't want to talk about something I don't want to.
I said I'm not sure if it's true that I don't want to work on it any more. I said I think I wanted to express anger at him because I didn't leave last session feeling grounded and then I had a panic attack the next day. I wanted to say "why didn't you make me safe?".
I told him I wanted to ghost him or cancel and worry him. He asked why I wanted to worry him. I said because I want to know he cares. He said that could link to a number of things - he had agreed with me that we shouldn't hug last week (because my kids had just had a sickness bug) and he hasn't 'made me safe'. I said Yes, both of those and also you didn't answer my last email. I said I also wanted to punish him for not showing he cared. Like I did to my Dad when I ran away from home.
T said what are you trying to communicate with your absence that you can't say with your presence? I said "when you see me I always seem so together, I seem okay. So maybe I want to communicate that I'm not okay". T said that made sense and reminded me I had put that in my email - that I don't even cry in therapy.
T said he sees this as like a whirlpool with lots of things going round - my childhood trauma is in there, my first therapist is in there and my mum's exes which I mentioned in the email but haven't really talked about before. We talked about that a little but need to explore that more.
We talked about grounding techniques for when I'm triggered again and we talked about dark thoughts I have when the equilibrium is knocked off kilter.
At the end we had a warm hug. T said "you have lost a lot of hair!" Because I had like 5 inches off my hair and obviously he's used to a face full of hair when we hug.
It was a good session.

T today. We sat down. He said he had me on schedule for Friday (I'd texted him last week--he does scheduling by text--to see if he had extra session). I thanked him for that, saying I'd asked because we'd talked about twice a week anyway, and he would be out next week. He said it made sense.

He said he'd be checking e-mail daily next week, but wouldn't be taking phone calls or, obviously, meeting with anyone. Did I want someone else's name just in case, or would I just contact MC? I said I wasn't sure...did he have someone he normally used as a backup? He said yes, but she'd just given birth. That he had another name he could give me, but had no idea how quickly I could get in with her if I wanted. I said I'd think about it, that I'd probably be fine.

I said I was a bit concerned because my mother-in-law is having surgery next week and isn't in best of health. We discussed the surgery a bit.

He asked what I wanted to talk about today. I said I didn't really want to talk about our relationship. He asked why, and I said because we'd spent the last two sessions talking about it. Plus I felt good about how discussion had gone with him Wednesday. He said, "Good. I'm glad." I said, "I'm glad, too!"

I said how last week we'd said we needed to talk about my mom more. He said he remembered that and how he had a good worksheet for me. I said, "Like homework?" He said yes. That it was from Imago, which is more for couples, but that anyone he's given this worksheet to has found it helpful. He said he'd just have to find it. Went to his filing cabinet, starting digging and said, "If this takes more than 3 minutes, I'll just find it later and give it to you Friday." About 30 seconds later, he said, "Aha!"

Worksheet involves listing positive and negative traits of my parents--but he said to think of how I perceived it in childhood, not how I see it now looking back. Then another part, I list positive childhood memories and what emotions they evoke. Then the last part is frustrating stuff from childhood and my behaviors--not emotions--in response. I said what if I was frustrated but did nothing? He said choosing not to act and just accepting it is actually a behavior. I said, "Oh, I see..."

I said maybe we could wait till I fill that out and discuss mom/parents in Friday's session. He asked what else I wanted to discuss. I said some friends from middle/high school who I didn't see very often who I'd be seeing in a couple Sundays.

I talked about my best friend from high school, reminding T of who she was, how she tied into the stuff with the teacher--he said he remembered that, didn't know she was same person I'd talked about then. He pulled out his notepad and said he wanted to take a couple notes to be sure he'd remember. I said I appreciated that.

Gave a bit of history of friendship, some about her personality (very different from me!), how often we used to talk, how friendship went away after I had D 6 years ago. How we'd talked/texted a few times since then, but never fully resolved what happened. And we'd chatted on Messenger a few weeks ago, were kind of reconnecting. She told me about a sort of relationship with a mutual friend without disclosing who it was,but was giving all these clues. T said it was odd she was sharing all that information, like she wanted me to figure it out. I said yeah, did seem that way. And that I'd made error of mentioning that to H because I couldn't figure out who she meant.

So later that evening, H was rather drunk. He messaged my friend to say I was going nuts trying to figure out who the person was. I was like WTF??? to H. Like, "You don't do that!!!" I told T I'd sent multiple apologies to friend, saying I knew I'd messed up and that I was really sorry. But hadn't heard back...and then I might be seeing her at this group thing in a couple Sundays...

T seemed bothered by H's actions. He asked me if he'd apologized. I said he'd said sorry but didn't seem to understand why it was such a big deal. But for me, it was like I'd revived and killed a friendship within the same day. T said it was a bit concerning that H didn't seem to understand it being a big thing. He asked if he had a pattern of stuff like that. I said not really...that well, he did tend to disclose stuff when he was drunk (like stuff about our lack of sex life once), but it wasn't that often.

Discussed expectations in marriage/partnerships about sharing stuff and confidentiality. Differences between different people, between men and women, etc. I threw a Seinfeld reference in there (from when George first got engaged to Susan, Jerry told him something, he shared with Susan, it got back to Jerry--T said that sounded familiar to him).

Another friend in group came up, and I mentioned how I'd "dated" him in 7th grade, but it was never more than a few hugs. T laughed and said, "Oh, but those hug cooties last forever!" I laughed, too.

I said I wanted to talk about another friend, too. He said, "Oh sorry, we started talking about H." I said it was OK, that it was helpful. I said it was a friend I'd mentioned before, how I had a complicated relationship with him, that we'd dated briefly in high school, ended up kissing a few times, had planned on losing virginity together (didn't). T said, "Sounds like one of those friends where you say, 'If we're not married by age x, let's get married and/or have a baby together.'" I said it was funny, because we actually *had* made an agreement like that at one point!

How he'd gotten married years before me, asked me to be in wedding, and I ended up declining, since I'd thought we'd end up together (so painful)...he said how he knew I just wasn't what he wanted, or something like that, something painful. T made a sympathetic "Mmm" sound to that.

Talked about how he was one of few people I'd told about something bad I'd done a couple years ago, how he'd seemed extremely judgmental of me. Like still gave me big hug at end of lunch, but... How we'd texted briefly once after that, with me wishing him happy b-day, him asking how I was doing and hoped I was OK. I said yes. That was nearly 2 years ago.

Since I might be seeing him in a couple weeks, I sent him an e-mail asking if he still thought of us as friends...how I wasn't sure, that I hoped so. Haven't heard back.

Told T that's why I'm really nervous to see these people in 2 Sundays...one is likely still mad at me, another might still think I'm an awful person...and the others there won't have any idea what's up. T said maybe we just need to all be together in person, that seeing each other, looking in each others' eyes will help. He asked who else would be there, I mentioned D and a couple other kids. He said that should help, too.

He said how many misunderstandings can occur over e-mail/text/messaging, that in-person is so much better. I said yeah, how he prefers in-person sessions. He said that way, when he's talking to someone, he can see how they're reacting and adjust what he's saying accordingly. I said, "Well, that makes me feel kind of self-conscious!" He said not just with me or clients, with anyone he talks to. But with me, for example, if he's saying something and I start to look upset, or anxious, or bored, he might shift what he's saying or how he's saying it.

So he said he hoped seeing the friends would go well. I said I also felt bad because the other day I'd invited friends I usually see every few months for brunch and hadn't heard back. Like...have I messed up all my friendships somehow? (Well, aside from some online friends). He said, "I don't think it's really like...what's that show, with the four women in New York that everyone watched?" Me: "Sex and the City?" T: "Yes! I don't think friendships tend to be like that as adults, where they do everything together." I said I agreed...but my mom still had some friendships like that--I mean, not brunch every week, but still seeing them frequently, so I felt kind of like a failure for not keeping up with that. He said he thought that was pretty rare.

I asked if we should schedule for the week he gets back (I'm already scheduled for this Friday), how ex-T and MC tended to get booked up quickly, so that's why I tend to be so worried about scheduling. He said sure. I said we were seeing MC for first time in a month that Monday, so we scheduled for usual 1:30 Tuesday slot.

Went over to desk and paid. He said, "Good luck" as he shook my hand, then "See you Friday." I said, "See you then. Thanks." And headed out.

Had a really nice session today. Did more parts work. We walked for 40 min. I said t can I ask u something . He said yes. I said are you angry at Me? He said no why. I said Just my mind. He said is ur mind telling you I'm angry or is it the voices. I said Just my mind today. We went over symptoms [voice, paranoia, thinking problems]. Talked about work and a new friend i have. Talked a little about ED stuff. We came back to the office. I showed him my parts journal. He said it was incredible and ive come so far. He told me how to empathise, he said empathising things to my parent part to teach me. We explored the parents motivations for being negative and found some good stuff. He said he noticed parent part had become softer when we discovered why it does what it does. He asked if I felt that , I said yes I did. I started to dissociate. T asked how are you feeling now. I had gotten quiet . I said I think I'm dissociating. T played connect 4 with me to help bring me back. He asked did that help? I said yes. It was time to go. I asked for a hug.

I talked to T about my medication issue and work issues, but nothing intense. Near the end I brought up something more intense, why, I don't know. I always worry that I say something and I worry if T takes it the way I meant it, or if he has his own meaning. I am unable to have any social interaction where I don't second guess myself. It was a chilled session, which I needed. I finally got my meds., which is a huge relief. I noticed on the way home that it is staying lighter later. I like the darkness and I like the light. Looking forward to the summer.

We talked about what might be getting in the way of more progress in therapy. You broke my heart. I know there was no other way to get your point across, but now I don't know what to title our session...it was worthy of a special note, somehow. I'll do what you asked me to do, which is to write letters I'll never send to all of the people who have failed me. It's a long list. Do we have that much time?

That was a really hard session. I sort of knew that it would be. R arrived and immediately commented that it felt like a long time since she had seen me.
‘Likewise –Sunday night into Monday morning was really difficult, and I’m not sure why. I’m used to it being emotionally intense but not physically painful. The only difference I can think of is that I skipped my meditation. That’s only 3 minutes. Two hours of it but two hours is enough when you are in that situation.’
‘Definitely.’
‘My chest and my shoulders were really hurting. It was still with me on Monday, so I made another collage.’
‘I’d like to reflect that back to you, on one hand you say you were overwhelmed but you made this and you are dealing with it.’
‘Can you help me understand what it is like for you when you are in that bubble? I don’t mean to sound dismissive but that is how I imagine it –and it is just you in there.’
‘It starts with “She called me into the bathroom…”’ I reached for R’s hand.
‘It starts with “She called me into the bathroom and then collapsed” and goes on from there.’
‘You’ve told me before that it is like a movie. Do you actually see her in the bathroom?’
‘And I feel the anxiety, the futility and the sense of not being able to do anything.’
‘But at the time that it was happening?’
‘At the time that it was happening, I didn’t know what to feel so I didn’t feel anything.’

‘Exactly. It’s “She called me into the bathroom” and the rest of that week....I had no right to that information. With Chris' death, it was all respectful.'
'I sense some anger there, or maybe I'm feeling it on your behalf. You have that experience to compare it to.'
‘Is there a possibility that what you’re imagining might be worse than what actually happened? From what I know of you as somebody who actively avoids medical things that sounds like your worst nightmare.’
‘Yes, absolutely –and the nightly repeat performance isn’t contributing to any kind of release, which needs to happen. Knowing me, it isn’t going to be an explosive thing, but something needs to happen.’
‘I feel as though you’re talking to yourself there.’ R gave me a 5 minute warning and I let go of her hand.
‘When I’m in that space, I feel for all the world as though I’m going to fall apart.’
‘By fall apart, do you mean cry?’
‘Yes. There are different kinds of safety, and yet here I am in the one space where I can… Away from ‘You are free to put this down, you know.’’
‘It’s not that easy.’
R then asked how I was feeling –I replied that I was feeling lighter and that it had been good to get Sunday out of my system.

Session yesterday. Weird and awkward. Or, weirder and awkwarder than usual.

Blondie in full Valentine's attire -- when I commented on it, she said she likes dressing up for different things (Valentine's, St. Patrick's Day and so on) and likes celebrating these things.

I then pointed out to her (with no tact as I later realized) that she was though hanging out with clients all day (she works pretty much all day Wednesdays) despite caring (and apparently planning) about the holiday (I didn't tell her I find it rather disturbing that she could care so much about such incredible commercial claptrap). She replied that her husband came home with flowers, she made a cake for her kids and she'll see her husband later (and that apparently he thinks it's a women's holiday and she thinks that smacks of sexism although he's not a sexist guy or whatever).

And, then came the fun part -- I was feeling a bit ornery. So, I told her that therapy requires this weird balancing act (given her emphasis on attachment) -- I need to believe enough that my family crap / emotional experiences can be corrected via therapy / my relationship with her but I can't actually take therapy / her to be so much of a substitute that I forget she's my therapist and not some golden replacement for my family.

She started out trying to be empathetic but getting it dead wrong on what was bothering me -- E.g. Saying that her talking about baking a cake for her kids would be upsetting to me (good gawd, no, I am convinced her family like most others in my mind is a pit of seething resentment and a smorgasboard of dysfuctionalities i.e., I can't imagine any family being otherwise, really).

At some point, when I swatted away all her attempts at understanding what was bugging me, I could see her kinda getting defensive and irritated and she came out with this "Obviously, it's (therapy) not a perfect substitute". I resisted the temptation to roll my eyes and respond with "Obviously".

I left, pissed. At some point, I saw that she'd obviously checked out of the conversation emotionally and was just trying very hard to arrange her facial features into this mask of "I care very much / how sad / etc". Which just really pisses me off all the more.

I suppose I'm an arse for who therapy can only work every once in a ******* while.

For some reason the idea of her being all in green and wearing shamrocks and a leprechaun hat/shoes is more disturbing than the valentine's outfit

She did say she likes Easter as well but doesn't celebrate it by dressing up as a bunny.

Thank heavens for small mercies etc.

I wonder if therapy works better if someone is heavily medicated and less alert.

i would say... Yesh, definitively!!

Eta and i would say it in all caps if it would let me.

The woman spent the first two years telling me to smoke a joint or take a shot before coming to her office. I think she was encouraging me to be heavily drugged and less alert - but I think that was more for her benefit than mine.

She has an almost-teenager who believes in Elf on a Shelf and has like six of them, for whom she takes care of the communication. Definitely a well-adjusted family.

Also, assuming some sort of loving Rockwellian thing about a mother baking a cake for her kids is kind of sexist.

May I suggest buying her this for St. Patrick’s Day?

And what does she wear for Presidents’ Day? A powdered wig?

Work has been very very busy this week so no usual session write up's

Monday's session: Last in person session before T left for trip.
We said our hi's and how are you's. Her good, me lots of things. Silence while I thought very loudly in my head, "don't go" Finally I told her that there was something I wanted to say but I wanted a response from her that would feel a certain way and didn't know what would give me that feeling. After talking and trying to figure it out, the best that came out was feeling heard and her being firmly compassionate in telling me [she was still going]. After talking about this, I felt like I was out of that head space, like we'd over processed it. T started talking about object consistency stuff. I interrupted her and said "I love you", she said, "I know". I said, "Don't go". She didn't respond. Pause. I said, "Please don't go". She again didn't respond. Silence. Silence. Silence. I would look at the floor then back a her. Eventually she said she heard me. Nothing more from her. This is not going the way I want, I am not getting what I wanted from this. I struggle internally with lots of different thoughts. T starts talking, I'm in my head, nothing she says touches me at this point. My thoughts...
...tell me you’re going to go
...do I stay in this moment or do I move on
...the other things we could talk about
...she does not get it
...she’s going to leave and I don’t exist. I tell myself that’s not true I know she thinks about me. I wonder if I exist now in this room and this moment and I tell myself to knock it off and to stop this.
...stop talking, I'm mad at her
...I give her weapons to use against me with my journal and all my sharing.
...okay this is what I got now what do I do with it
...“mommy, don’t go”

Finally I say that I want her to be a mind reader. We joke about this a little bit before I turn things back towards my doubts and struggles. I ask if I am too much, I tell her that I ask a lot of her. She talks about me getting this belief when I was really young, earlier than my memories.

I agree to doing the video visit on Thursday. I told her that I don't want it, but I know that it will be a mistake if I don't accept it - that it would be bad for me.

I picked a piece of the puzzle under the couch and she wrote on it "The life I want is HERE!" then she signed it.

We did a handshake today, while shaking I tell her to come back, she said she would.

This session tonight sssssuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkeddddd! Just awful.
I can’t even put my finger on why exactly.

As you may have read my last few sessions involved a lot of above and beyond behaviors from my t. Which can be intoxicating. And now the letdown week of mixed messages.

We talked about abuse in the news and in the media.

I asked about his boundaries- once he forms a practice will the clinic have tighter rules? He says he will still set his own operating procedures. So meh that should have put me at ease. Somehow it did not.

Then I talked about my lackluster dating experiences and lack therof in general. Another deeply unsatisfying discussion. Nothing he said sat right with me.

To make things worse, he pulled valentines candy out of a drawer, we are not talking a red shaped box but the kind of treats you might get as a kid in school.
He said talk about creepy, a patient gave it to him.

Ok now I’m mad. If this were a psychodynamicly trained therapist he would have recognized that this patient was unconciously or consciously expressing warm feelings towards him It doesn’t necessary mean sexual or romantic feelings. And if so, so what. Therapy dredges up crazy feelings. That’s what it does. I felt sad and angry for that patient. Kashi is trying to get me to laugh along with him? F@@@ you granola boy.

I said to him well that could have been me. Valentines has not been a romantic holiday for me in some time. It generally involves giving candy to friends family and we exchange the kid variety at work. Kashi said he asked the lady what it meant to give him the candy? He said that she said it was just from work and thought he might like it. How hurt and humiliated did this poor lady feel? Maybe she did not think it through that it could be taken romantically.

Next topic is then my terrible love life lack of one forever it seems. I think I tried to talk in a roundabout way how I am a bad read of positive intent from others. Specifically I can’t tell if someone is attracted to me or just likes me or just feels sorry for me or is just being polite. Big hint. Are you even listening to me?

I am feeling duped. All of the caring is a lie. At least my long term t once loved me in a real way. Or at least I think he did. I feel alone and lthay no one can be trusted.

Perfect ending to a shiiiit session. He checks my billing even though I’m usually ahead. He seemed to really pour over that excel spreadsheet as if I were chronicly delinquent. What the actual f??????

I sent him an email saying that I’m safe but I’m thinking of cancelling. You cannot help me. I’m tired of being in pain.

Growly, I'm sorry. Kashi's attitude to another client really pisses me off, and I can see why you're upset. Even ET isn't creepy and that suggestion from a T might make it difficult for you to express warm feelings of any kind towards him and/or wonder what he says about you. I can't believe that isn't obvious to him.