[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Last session, I noticed something about my T/sessions. And I'd like to bring it up next time, however, I also wonder what other peoples experience is with this, so I thought I'd ask:

Sometimes my T asks something, let's say he can see that I'm sad or scared, and he asks what's wrong. I say "I'm sad/scared". He asks why, and I don't immediately answer. He gives me 5-10 seconds max, and then he just asks again or a slightly different question but same meaning. And not just once, if he notices I want to answer, he'll ask over and over again.

How long does your T usually give you to answer a question?

To me, if I talk about certain things, I need half a minute or more of silence. It helps me to formulate the answer in my head, and that doesn't work well if there's somebody constantly asking "why?" during that. Of course he can't know that if I don't tell him, but I still wonder what other people experience.

[Amyjay]

Both t and ex T give me a lot of time. New T gives more. Ex T would still give me at least a minute or two then she would quietly ask questions and see how I reacted to them. Some people (including Ts) are not comfortable with silence and need to fill it quickly. Hopefully when you tell your T he will be able to adjust his response to suit what works best for you.
Just a week to two ago I asked new T to give me a little bit less time before she jumps in to help me out. I was getting too lost in the silence. The two sessions we've had since then have been much better.

[fille_folle]

My T gives me a long, loooong time. I tend to think of it as The Great Silence.

T gives me a long time, sometimes several minutes, and doesn't usually say anything until it's apparent that I won't.

She gives me quite a bit of time. The reason being. Though she's asked the question, I nay not verbally answer, but I'm certainly feeling something and it's, those feelings that enter the space between us and get held.

[LonesomeTonight]

My T definitely gives me longer than yours does. The other day, I was really upset and struggling to get words out (usually not an issue for me). He gave me probably a good minute after asking a question to let me get there...like I was saying "I don't know" and crying, and he just let me go till I was ready. Though there have been times where he's reasked the question more quickly, like you said yours does.

I usually answer questions either straight away or after a few seconds of thinking and if I feel it is not satisfying, I come back to it later in a different context. I don't like if someone is rushing or constantly interrupting though. My first T was often a bit extreme with these things: either just staring and not saying/asking anything or much or not even listening until the end of a sentence or train of thought and wanted to push his. With my 2nd T, it was a normal conversation and I don't recall him ever being pushy.

[ElectricManatee]

She usually gives me as long as I need, although I don't generally need a lot of time to answer questions. But sometimes I need a bit of time to think or process something, and that can go on for thirty seconds to a minute. She will just sit and wait until I come back. Occasionally I don't know what to say (often when I'm kind of angry) and I want her to speak next. Usually she picks up on that, I think because I tend to not make eye contact if I'm thinking but I will look at her if I want her to move the conversation forward. It's pretty subtle, though.

[DP_2017]

longer than that but usually if I don't answer something after like 30 seconds or so, he will change the subject or i will... and we move on. he wont ask about the same thing over and over

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

longer than that but usually if I don't answer something after like 30 seconds or so, he will change the subject or i will... and we move on. he wont ask about the same thing over and over

Does that keep you from getting into hard stuff? Usually those topics are the ones where I have a difficult time knowing what to say. I don't think I would make traction if I didn't stop and try to make sense of what was happening for me in the moment.

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Does that keep you from getting into hard stuff? Usually those topics are the ones where I have a difficult time knowing what to say. I don't think I would make traction if I didn't stop and try to make sense of what was happening for me in the moment.

it does, he isn't the pushy type, he says he never wants to make clients get to a 8 or 10 on anxious scale in the room.... so I've told him he can push me, he does a little sometimes, but i usually shut down and we move on. it's frustrating at times but also good because i don't do well with emotional stuff anyway.

he also has a bad memory so it's hard for him, even though he has notes, to remember things from our previous session. makes me feel kinda crappy sometimes but it is what it is

[Elio]

It depends on my state. It has lengthened over our work together. Often when there is a long period of silence and she does interject, it is not to as why but to give interpretation or support, like - "I can see this is hard for you", rather than asking or reasking a question.

[stopdog]

The woman could become impatient and would say "well are you going to answer" and I would say "I am thinking about how to answer" - she would say "I don't think it takes this long" -me "obviously it does"
Usually for me it was because I was trying to understand the question. I mostly never could figure out the point/relevance of anything the woman said. Without that understanding - how to answer the question was difficult because answers depend upon having that information.

[maybeblue]

That's an interesting question. Now I'm going to have to do an experiment and see how long he would give me. Generally because of my own anxiety about silence, if I don't have an answer immediately I will say "I don't know." Then I think he moves on to something else.

A therapist should be able to learn to tolerate silence for sure.

[jeremiahgirl]

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

Last session, I noticed something about my T/sessions. And I'd like to bring it up next time, however, I also wonder what other peoples experience is with this, so I thought I'd ask:

Sometimes my T asks something, let's say he can see that I'm sad or scared, and he asks what's wrong. I say "I'm sad/scared". He asks why, and I don't immediately answer. He gives me 5-10 seconds max, and then he just asks again or a slightly different question but same meaning. And not just once, if he notices I want to answer, he'll ask over and over again.

How long does your T usually give you to answer a question?

To me, if I talk about certain things, I need half a minute or more of silence. It helps me to formulate the answer in my head, and that doesn't work well if there's somebody constantly asking "why?" during that. Of course he can't know that if I don't tell him, but I still wonder what other people experience.

My T always said to me therapy was at “my pace” and he never really rushed me. I’m not sure if this was because I was using trauma therapy (EMDR) which I think is a slower process. Regular therapy sometimes is based on cost and insurance and approval of visits. Perhaps this is why your T was seeking a faster response. I don’t agree with this style of therapy and I’d have some frustrations.

[JaneTennison1]

as long as it takes me to answer usually, she will wait

[TrailRunner14]

As long as it takes and “I don’t know” is perfectly acceptable to him.

If I get anxious and feel like I have to come up with an answer that is acceptable or I feel like I’m being pushed to answer, it triggers me.

[nottrustin]

They both give me as much time as I need. The only exception is I have or they suspect I have dissosiated. Then the give me a few months before asking another question

[GeekyOne]

I often take a minute or more to process T’s question, figure out the answer and then put that into words. She doesn’t rush me, just waits quietly. I’m good with numbers, but thoughts and feelings are hard to verbalize.

I’m learning that when I’m more depressed the silences are longer. She doesn’t re-ask the question though. Or at all, even. When I’m more depressed my ability to move the conversation forward seems to decrease. She will sit in silence with me for a while and eventually ask something like where did you just go or what are you thinking/feeling.

[velcro003]

My T knows I am a "processor" so she probably gives me more time than she might want to otherwise. We are complete opposites on the Myers-Briggs test, and I can tell that sometimes she holds back words that might want to burst out of her mouth

[annielovesbacon]

My T gives me however long I need. Usually when I don't answer a question right away, it's because I don't want to, or I'm nervous to answer. My go-to response (to deflect such questions) is "I don't know" or "I'm not sure." (Un)fortunately for me, T sees right through that and says, "I'll give you a bit of time to think about it." Then we sit in silence until I say something.
It's kind of like an elementary school teacher's equivalent of "I'll wait" when the class is rowdy

My t usually waits but then when she sees I don’t know the answer, she will give me a menu of various different feelings sensations to pick from. She will then challenge me further by saying she doesn’t believe I don’t know what I am feeling because I feel quite a lot and then I argue that yes I am feeling a lot but that’s different from knowing how to express it and then she says I have gone away from my feelings into my head. So sometimes it’s better to answer her damn question

[zoiecat]

Mine will give me as long as I need unless he thinks I have dissociated. Then he will say my name or try to figure out who he is talking to before proceeding.

[Wonderfalls]

After a pause I usually change the subject and he lets me. That isn't my plan and I'm not saying it's good--I even feel a little guilty about it sometimes. On the other hand we probably cover it some time in a different way. I don't feel like there are big gaps. It would drive me nuts if my therapist insisted I answer any question he asked me, especially if there were long silences or if he kept asking in different ways.