[rainbow8]

Surprisingly, it turned out much better than I expected. I put my cell phone on speaker so I could hear my T very well. I was lying in bed on my ice pack and wasn't in pain, at least not for most of the session.

She listened to me talk about my medical condition but I realized half the session was over so we talked about my pattern and did some IFS about the child part who gets triggered so quickly. Then something T said got to me again. It was about another art exhibition I'm in. This time when I asked her if she was going to see it, she said she might not because it was "so far." I immediately went into "whiny child mode" and almost cried. Even at home I couldn't cry with T!

I said "but you told me", which wasn't true about this exhibition. I became sad and T wanted me to notice my feelings and tell her what I was thinking. She said that just because she might not be able to go to it doesn't mean she doesn't care about me. I understand that but still react like a child. I said or she said "maybe my parents never said "no" to me. That probably isn't true but I don't know. She asked if my friends and family would go to see the art show. I said "they don't care." Not totally true but somewhat. I'm disappointed if T doesn't go. I'll get over it but the child feelings are always so strong and dominant. It's something I still need to work on.

The insight about my pattern is that people are not shutting me out; they're just living their life! If I can believe that, I'll be much better off. T still thinks we should do EMDR about it. I hope I get better so I can see her next week in person.

[DP_2017]

Glad it went well.

[Taylor27]

Glad to hear it went well

[rainbow8]

At 4 a.m. this morning I had a reaction to T saying "it's so far" about the art exhibit. I started crying about when I first realized how sick my mother was and how she couldn't even go into a restaurant any more, let alone be there for me in all the ways she was for my whole life. I cried and sent T an email.

I know it's about my Mom, not my T! She would have gone to the other side of the world to see my paintings in an exhibit! T is not my Mom! Duh! This week will be an anniversary of her death so that comes into play now too. I dissociated through my mother's illness and death. Feelings come up now after 35 years.

[growlycat]

That’s a great insight to have rainbow!!!

[unaluna]

Thats great that you can say that your mom was there for you so many times during your life. Maybe you never really grieved that loss. My SIL lost both her parents when my nephew was young, and she grieved so much, it really affected him. Maybe you spared your children that. It still breaks my heart, how lost he was.

[rainbow8]

I seem to be crying a lot lately. My T seems so ordinary now. I'm doing most of the work myself. Probably that's a sign of growth but it's bittersweet. I wish she could have been all of those people I wanted her to be.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I seem to be crying a lot lately. My T seems so ordinary now. I'm doing most of the work myself. Probably that's a sign of growth but it's bittersweet. I wish she could have been all of those people I wanted her to be.

Yeah, that resonates even though I have a different kind of relationship with my T. For me there's something about the ease of connecting in T that raises the longing to have it in other relationships. But two way relationships are always more difficult. Probably why I feel a real longing to have another partner but am unwilling to go on a single date.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Yeah, that resonates even though I have a different kind of relationship with my T. For me there's something about the ease of connecting in T that raises the longing to have it in other relationships. But two way relationships are always more difficult. Probably why I feel a real longing to have another partner but am unwilling to go on a single date.

I identify with longing to have another partner but not wanting to pursue it! My T found someone and I want that too! But now I have this new health problem so nothing matters except wanting the physical pain to stop.

Can you go to any group activity with men and women where there wouldn't be any pressure to date? Just an idea.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Yeah, that resonates even though I have a different kind of relationship with my T. For me there's something about the ease of connecting in T that raises the longing to have it in other relationships. But two way relationships are always more difficult. Probably why I feel a real longing to have another partner but am unwilling to go on a single date.

True dat!

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I identify with longing to have another partner but not wanting to pursue it! My T found someone and I want that too! But now I have this new health problem so nothing matters except wanting the physical pain to stop.

Can you go to any group activity with men and women where there wouldn't be any pressure to date? Just an idea.

I do at least one group activity each week with men & women, and more broadly engage in good relationships with others. I'm not lacking for social connection or even potential dates if I was willing to engage, I'm just not. I'm definitely NOT ready to date and its been 4 years. I'd just like the perfect partner for me to fall out of the sky (or not).