[annielovesbacon]

trigger warning for drugs and alcohol mention in this post.

So I never lied to T directly but I have lied by omission because I never told her that for the entirety of 2017, I was addicted to drugs (benzos and painkillers) and alcohol. I almost died one time. I never told her because I didn't want to stop.

I made my new year resolution to get sober in 2018. So far it's going pretty well, I've had some slip-ups but nothing extremely out of control or dangerous like I used to be.

Now this is something I want to talk about with my T. I don't get to see my T until August (I'm abroad right now) so by the time I see her it will have been more than 1.5 years I'd been keeping this from her.

I have no idea how to even bring this up. I'm not the type to just start a session saying "I need to tell you something" and then drop a truth bomb. And I'm worried I'll lose her trust. I tell her all the time, "Why would I lie to you? What's the point of paying you just to lie? I can do that for free?" I can think of ONE time I've lied to her and it was justified in my opinion (she asked something I didn't feel was her business). But this is a huge thing to have kept from her and I understand if she wouldn't trust me anymore. But that would really hurt me and I'm afraid to damage our therapy relationship.

[RubyRae]

It's possible she may already know anyway or at least have her suspicions. Addiction isn't as easy to hide as most addicts think.She may have been waiting for you to bring it up.

I don't think she won't trust you anymore,I think she will see that you really are serious about staying sober and working on yourself.And I think you should just come clean about it.I don't think there's a right or easy way to do that and just blurting it out is probably the best way to do it.

[Amyjay]

I dunno. I think it will be okay to tell her. The reasons for lying to her previously are part and parcel of addiction. The reasons for telling the truth now are part and parcel of wanting to move through that and heal. So I guess I don't see it as a bad thing but as an understandable thing.
I have (had - am in remission) anorexia nervosa. When I was in the grip of it of course I lied to my then T about eating. It was a part of my disorder. When I was truly trying to heal from that I stopped lying and started telling my T the truth.
Not telling your T about it was a serious thing. You say you nearly died. It was a serious addiction. You didn't tell her because you were trapped in addiction at that time. Now you are not and it makes sense to be honest. I think (hope) your T will understand, but will also appreciate the seriousness of it.
I think its okay to clear the slate, set new rules, and go forward from there.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

I dunno. I think it will be okay to tell her. The reasons for lying to her previously are part and parcel of addiction. The reasons for telling the truth now are part and parcel of wanting to move through that and heal. So I guess I don't see it as a bad thing but as an understandable thing.
I have (had - am in remission) anorexia nervosa. When I was in the grip of it of course I lied to my then T about eating. It was a part of my disorder. When I was truly trying to heal from that I stopped lying and started telling my T the truth.
Not telling your T about it was a serious thing. You say you nearly died. It was a serious addiction. You didn't tell her because you were trapped in addiction at that time. Now you are not and it makes sense to be honest. I think (hope) your T will understand, but will also appreciate the seriousness of it.
I think its okay to clear the slate, set new rules, and go forward from there.

Thank you for sharing that, it really resonated with me. Last summer I finally told my T about my eating disorder which I have struggled with for almost 10 years, I had been hiding it from her but I relapsed really badly and I wanted help. I guess that is pretty similar to the situation I'm in now.

[satsuma]

I think T would understand that last year you didn't want to address this issue but now things have changed and you do.

I had some stuff that I didn't tell to T until we'd already been working together for several years (about a previous eating disorder). T wasn't upset that I hadn't told him before. I think Ts understand that their clients are not always ready to address everything straight away.

I guess they may be upset about finding out that you nearly died last year. But I think it will be ok and my guess is your T will be pleased that you feel able to share it all now and that you want to address this issue.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

trigger warning for drugs and alcohol mention in this post.

So I never lied to T directly but I have lied by omission because I never told her that for the entirety of 2017, I was addicted to drugs (benzos and painkillers) and alcohol. I almost died one time. I never told her because I didn't want to stop.

I made my new year resolution to get sober in 2018. So far it's going pretty well, I've had some slip-ups but nothing extremely out of control or dangerous like I used to be.

Now this is something I want to talk about with my T. I don't get to see my T until August (I'm abroad right now) so by the time I see her it will have been more than 1.5 years I'd been keeping this from her.

I have no idea how to even bring this up. I'm not the type to just start a session saying "I need to tell you something" and then drop a truth bomb. And I'm worried I'll lose her trust. I tell her all the time, "Why would I lie to you? What's the point of paying you just to lie? I can do that for free?" I can think of ONE time I've lied to her and it was justified in my opinion (she asked something I didn't feel was her business). But this is a huge thing to have kept from her and I understand if she wouldn't trust me anymore. But that would really hurt me and I'm afraid to damage our therapy relationship.

I admitted to My t the same thing a year or 2 ago. That I had been secretly using for an extended period of time . Of course he lost trust in me, but said he will support me however he can. I do feel it angered him mostly because of the risky games I was playing with drugs.

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

trigger warning for drugs and alcohol mention in this post.

So I never lied to T directly but I have lied by omission because I never told her that for the entirety of 2017, I was addicted to drugs (benzos and painkillers) and alcohol. I almost died one time. I never told her because I didn't want to stop.

I made my new year resolution to get sober in 2018. So far it's going pretty well, I've had some slip-ups but nothing extremely out of control or dangerous like I used to be.

Now this is something I want to talk about with my T. I don't get to see my T until August (I'm abroad right now) so by the time I see her it will have been more than 1.5 years I'd been keeping this from her.

I have no idea how to even bring this up. I'm not the type to just start a session saying "I need to tell you something" and then drop a truth bomb. And I'm worried I'll lose her trust. I tell her all the time, "Why would I lie to you? What's the point of paying you just to lie? I can do that for free?" I can think of ONE time I've lied to her and it was justified in my opinion (she asked something I didn't feel was her business). But this is a huge thing to have kept from her and I understand if she wouldn't trust me anymore. But that would really hurt me and I'm afraid to damage our therapy relationship.

But sitting there in denial to yourself is maybe what got you to this point.
Unless you've answered a direct question from your T as to whether you were using or nor, It's not lying. But lying makes it sound like no truth existed. Being present was your truth.

[musinglizzy]

I saw my T for about a year and a half before I finally told her I was having the same issues as you (minus the alcohol.) She had NO clue. Some of us addicts hide it very well. In fact, my husband doesn't know to this day, and I have been in an outpatient rehab program (suboxone) for over a year now. I came clean to her by Email. That way, I could say what I needed to say, make sure I said it in a way that was comfortable for me, and set myself up to have to discuss it during my next session with her. I wasn't ready to be clean myself, in fact my use got even worse after I told her, but I wasn't ready for help yet. It was almost another year and a half before I finally got help. My T admitted she was scared, worried I may overdose or something, but also knew if she pushed TOO hard I'd quit talking about it. I actually had a second T by this time, and it was HER who helped me seek help. I don't know if you can Email your T, but I think if I were in your position, and ready to "come clean" with her, I would Email or write her a letter. It was helpful for me to have someone know what was going on. Because, until I told my T, not a soul in the world knew what I was doing. It was NOT easy to tell my T....especially after I had been keeping this from her for so long. I remember one of her first thoughts after I told her was that she understood. That she couldn't imagine something like this NOT happening to someone with my background. I say, when you are ready, DO it. Tell her in whatever way is easiest for you. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders once I was able to tell her.

[RubyRae]

Maybe yourT will see it as a good thing when you tell her,will see it as you finally trusting her enough to share it with her.

I was just thinking about something I kept from my T for three years.When I finally got the courage to just blurt it out at the beginning of a session I apologized for not telling him sooner.He seemed pleased that I finally trusted him enough to allow myself to be vulnerable with him.And he thanked me for sharing it and didn't judge me at all.

[stopdog]

If for some reason you really feel a need to talk to the therapist about it, I would go in on the offense - not the defense. Don't take a position of contriteness like you did something wrong. Approach it in a matter of fact way - people talk about things in their own time. That you did not feel like talking about this specific thing in the past is of no matter. What matters is that you are ready to talk about now.

[Carmina]

You have not been been 'lying to her' for almost two years, it is entirely up to you at what pace you disclose information to your therapist. If she's worth her salt she will see the fact that you now feel able to share this is a sign of trust and a potential breakthrough in therapy, she should see that positively and help you through it supportively.

[ElectricManatee]

I don't think keeping some things back is the same thing as lying. It's okay for you to impose your own boundaries in the therapeutic relationship, and it's fine to not bring up something you aren't ready to discuss yet. Because you're on such a long break, it's not really like you will have gone two whole years without telling her anyway. It sounds like you would want to bring this up now if you were able to see her.

It might be helpful to reframe this as you learning more about yourself during the break and recognizing that you're finally ready to discuss your habits and the impact they are having on your life. I think your T will be delighted that you are ready to deepen your relationship by putting this issue on the table for discussion. Sometimes it's hard to remember how supportive and kind our therapists can be if we're not talking to them regularly.

[-=O=-]

I've lied to my T....

I think there's a difference between lying and denying. And denying your problems - to outsiders only, or to yourself as well - is pretty common. I mean, no one's ever faulted me (or even brought up) for ticking "NO" regarding s.assault on the trauma inventory checklist back when I first started EMDR. I wasn't ready to acknowledge it, face it, or have it be known to anyone at all.

I might write her a letter. Not an email, people send emails all the time, usually impulsively; a handwritten note that you had to go to the post office to send, shows your sincerity more than an email. In degrees of personal, I feel a letter is more personal.
I'd probably start with that I'm writing because I lied to her, know it wasn't right, and want to set things straight now instead of continuing the lie for another 6 months. I was addicted from x to y and have been clean since y. I'm sorry for lying to you by implying in every way I wasn't. It's no excuse, but I was not ready to stop or discuss it, or have anyone know at all. It was not personal.

Something like that probably. But that's my apology letter writing style, the one I feel most comfortable with. Yours might be totally different.

[musinglizzy]

I also agree with those who said you aren't lying. We just disclose some things when we are ready to.

[coolibrarian]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I admitted to My t the same thing a year or 2 ago. That I had been secretly using for an extended period of time . Of course he lost trust in me, but said he will support me however he can. I do feel it angered him mostly because of the risky games I was playing with drugs.

Maybe he wasn't angry so much, as afraid for you.

[coolibrarian]

To the OP, I think the anxiety about telling the secret, rather than the secret itself, is the worst part. I agree with the others who said you aren't lying to your T. Good luck going forward.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

I admitted to My t the same thing a year or 2 ago. That I had been secretly using for an extended period of time . Of course he lost trust in me, but said he will support me however he can. I do feel it angered him mostly because of the risky games I was playing with drugs.

The second part of what you said is what I'm afraid of... she always tells me that if I'm danger of hurting myself that I need to call her. So admitting that I had been using the whole time I've seen her, and in very dangerous and risky ways... I wonder if she will be angry at me. Or disappointed... almost worse.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I saw my T for about a year and a half before I finally told her I was having the same issues as you (minus the alcohol.) She had NO clue. Some of us addicts hide it very well. In fact, my husband doesn't know to this day, and I have been in an outpatient rehab program (suboxone) for over a year now. I came clean to her by Email. That way, I could say what I needed to say, make sure I said it in a way that was comfortable for me, and set myself up to have to discuss it during my next session with her. I wasn't ready to be clean myself, in fact my use got even worse after I told her, but I wasn't ready for help yet. It was almost another year and a half before I finally got help. My T admitted she was scared, worried I may overdose or something, but also knew if she pushed TOO hard I'd quit talking about it. I actually had a second T by this time, and it was HER who helped me seek help. I don't know if you can Email your T, but I think if I were in your position, and ready to "come clean" with her, I would Email or write her a letter. It was helpful for me to have someone know what was going on. Because, until I told my T, not a soul in the world knew what I was doing. It was NOT easy to tell my T....especially after I had been keeping this from her for so long. I remember one of her first thoughts after I told her was that she understood. That she couldn't imagine something like this NOT happening to someone with my background. I say, when you are ready, DO it. Tell her in whatever way is easiest for you. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders once I was able to tell her.

I'm also afraid that I won't stop using when I tell her -- or that it will get worse. Then I would feel bad coming in every week and disappointing her.

I'm glad you felt better after you told your second T.

For me. I wanted T to take the responsibility of my using.
I wanted to see my own disappointment in myself, in Her.
She doesn't feel disappointment or any other reaction to it. She felt they maybe she hadn't been of use in that area. But that was all she had felt. The rest is down to me to feel. Something us addicts are always trying to avoid.

You won't be seeing your therapist for a long time because you are a way. Are you planning to tell her now and why? If it's not until you see her months from now why is it a worry or distraction at this moment? These are questions I would ask myself.

[bluecats]

My libido is gone since going from 225mg effexor to 300. If I mention it the therapist will say thats not a big deal but ii is to me.

[RubyRae]

Originally Posted by stopdog

If for some reason you really feel a need to talk to the therapist about it, I would go in on the offense - not the defense. Don't take a position of contriteness like you did something wrong. Approach it in a matter of fact way - people talk about things in their own time. That you did not feel like talking about this specific thing in the past is of no matter. What matters is that you are ready to talk about now.

[annielovesbacon]

Originally Posted by AttachmentesBueno

You won't be seeing your therapist for a long time because you are a way. Are you planning to tell her now and why? If it's not until you see her months from now why is it a worry or distraction at this moment? These are questions I would ask myself.

I'm not planning on telling her now (I don't have a way to get in contact with her). I plan on telling her when I get back, in August. It's worrying/distracting me right now because it is still a problem for me, luckily less of a problem than it has been, but I wish I could talk to her about it now. And it gives me anxiety because the longer I don't tell her, the more afraid I will be when I finally do.