sharing my t

i've had people ask me whether I could reccomend a good p-doc on a number of occasions but there were problems around their not having much health insurance coverage and being broke students. i just told them to get a referral from their GP...

but the other day one of my friends who has a tenured job (and is a Citizen so gets better health benefits) asked if I could reccomend someone for therapy and possibly meds. So... i emailed my p-doc / t and told him that i had a friend who had a tenured job, was a citizen, was married, has a nice place to live, functions really well etc, who would like to see a p-doc for therapy and / or meds. I guess i thought... that my p-doc would get someone else from his practice to give the guy a call. though i guess i thought it would be okay if he saw the guy that he was full and not taking on anymore clients at the moment.

when i went in t said... 'would you be okay with me seeing the guy?' i was like... 'sure. didn't i say that in the email?' and he was like 'yeah, but sometimes people don't like it when their friends see the same person they are seeing... just thought i'd check in case you have changed your mind...' i said it was okay. though... maybe started to feel a little bugged.

i know why i'm bugged. he said that he thought it would be optimal for us to see each other 2X a week but that he didn't have any times free for us to do that. but now he has time to take on a whole other client??? WTF??? i emailed him and said i found that surprising. but that it might be that he has openings for the times i'm busy... but that my friend is likely to be busy those same times (departmental seminars etc). but that... if he had space for seeing someone else then i don't suppose it matters to me whether it is not me because it is my friend or whether it is not me because it is some stranger. and... could make quite a difference to my friend.

why do i feel :-(

?

It could be he has time for your friend on the same day you see him? Like a slot at 2 (for you) and a slot at 4 for him? Just making up times here. Or maybe you see him on Mon, and your friend sees him Tues, and that's really close together to do 2 sessions...?

I think maybe mixed emotions are arising. Being friends with someone who sees the same T is difficult if you guys talk about appointments/times together because one person may feel jealous, etc. Very difficult. Please just be honest throughout and tell your T about it...

I think we see all things about our T the same way, their selves, time, lives and families, etc. We're their only client :-) So, realizing that your T just doesn't stop doing therapy when you're not there/able to come and that someone you know (thus an extension of you?) will be there instead could be a bit :-( Maybe too you have a thought that your T actually has time for you but just doesn't want to see you 2x a week and is politely declining by saying, "I don't have time."

AK, I would never give my T's details to a friend because I know exactly how I would feel. I'd explain how one has helped me and leave it up to the friend to find her own way. I'd also feel peeved that T turned down doing 2xwkly with you stating he didn't have a slot after saying it would benefit you? I would certainly have to bring that out into the open.

I don't expect that I'll talk about therapy a great deal with my friend, or that he will talk about his therapy a great deal with me. We do hang out a bit sometimes but aren't really intimate about stuff like that.

Yeah... I guess my main worry is that t doesn't really want to see me twice a week and that being busy was just an excuse... I emailed him and said that that was the only thing that was bugging me, though.

I also said (cringe) that I didn't mind him seeing the guy... But that I would maybe feel a bit differently if he was seeing one of the girls at work who I'm a little more competitive with. I said he wasn't allowed to like the guy more than me, but if he liked us both the same then that was ok.

Hmmmm, alex, that is a very interesting situation and I had never thought of it until now. Would I recommend my T to a friend? I don't know. Maybe if it were in his other professional role to me, but not as a therapist. I'm not sure. I would feel a little weird, like therapy is very special to me, and something that is "mine." What if my friend started seeing T and then wanted to talk, like "T did this today, does that ever happen with you?" and so on. I would feel really invaded. I don't want to talk about T with other people (except here on PC where I don't know the people in flesh and blood). I know I felt a little weird with my husband when after a number of couples sessions, he wanted to talk about T--his life, m.o., etc. I didn't want to talk about that stuff with my husband at all.

alex, I can see how you would feel a bit duped or slighted to have your T tell you he had no time to see you twice a week but yet is willing to take on another client. I hope you can talk that out with him.

Very thought provoking question!

i don't know alex... i think maybe your sense of friendship with this guy and guilt are maybe clouding your real feelings about the situation. You don't sound really ok with it at all IMO, it just seeps out... you *want* to be ok with it, and you have an admirable concern for your friend and i think these are being put ahead of your sense of security.

i could be wrong... but the flags i see tell me that this will grow and not lessen. Is the friend more special? Does he like him more? Do they relate better because they are both men? Did he cancel a particular session with you but not him? A holy host of possibilities spring up if there is even a smidgeon of insecurity.

it's a kind and wonderful thing to want to help your friend, and your goals of being more secure are good too... i just don't hear you saying that you are there yet. Already it has annoyed you. And it makes you concerned he would choose to see other people you don't approve of... see what i mean?

why don't you tell him the whole thing? That you really thought he'd recommend another person in his practice for this friend... and that maybe that would prevent issues for you. You have just had major progress forward between you, i'd hate to see you lose ground

then again, i could just be full of it... so take or toss as you see fit

Hi Alex,

I would not want to share and I would be hurt also if T turned me down and took somone else. I hope you can clear the air on this as it could get in the way.

I did email him about this. I guess... I really don't think that my friend is going to want to talk about therapy with me at all. I imagine he will say something like 'thanks for the referral'. Or maybe 'he does seem good' or something like that and that will be it. How would I feel talking to the guy about his take on my t? I think... I would be interested to know what he thinks truth be told, but I'll admit that the guy is a little strange (I love him dearly) but his take on my t would decidedly be his (idiosyncratic) take on my t...

I figure I share him with other clients whether they are strangers to me or not. I can try and put that out of my mind... But I'm not sure what good it does me. Something weird happened last time I went to therapy... He met me at the door, but I noticed this guy in the waiting room. Late teens or early twenties, quite good looking. That is the first time I've seen someone in there who didn't look elderly / 40 year old public servanty. That was a little weird for me...

I think... That how I'm going to feel about this is going to depend a bit on how I see it - which aspects I choose to focus on. I think that I could focus in such a way that I feel really upset and distressed about this... But I think that I could alternatively focus in such a way that I'm not too upset or distressed about this. Where my friend can see my t. Where I can talk to t about some of my fears.

My fears... The usual fear that he will grow bored or sick of me and want to terminate me. The thought 'I bet some of his other clients are far more interesting and he wishes he could see them rather than me'. The fear that he doesn't want to see me twice a week and that he just says he is 'busy' so he doesn't have to see me more. The concern that he finds me quite repulsive really. Or that he is simply rather indifferent to me. Same old... Same old... I figure he probably sees other youngish females. 'Cause he has some association with DBT in the community. I though what I had on them (so to speak) would be that I was doing my PhD. I'm smart. It's ok. I'm different, he will want to see me. Because I'm smart. My friend is pretty smart too... Tenured job. So there goes my unique smartness (supposing he wasn't seeing other PhD students or academics, I guess). Maybe I'll just be some funny blend of my friend... And his DBT clients... Maybe I wont' be unique (in a good way) anymore. All this is of course under the assumption that I was unique before. But of course... I may well not have been. Or... I could be narcissistic just like everybody else thinking I'm special in a way that he doesn't give a damn about...

Rejection. The fears are never far away really. I've talked to him about them a bit.