Couch 164: Pink Moon

NP_Complete · Mar 17, 2018 at 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

One impetus for my leaving was I felt like I was turning into him. But I look back and while I very definitely made mistakes, some serious, they certainly didn’t rise to the level of his (Piaf’s main point).

I am sure the same is true of you.

One of the things I did towards the end is ignore him. If you read anything about abusive behavior, ignoring someone is considered abusive. In my mind, I was ignoring him because he was emotionally/verbally abusing me on an almost daily basis. But maybe my ignoring him is what caused him to set our house on fire. I most definitely was ignoring him that night. At one point he opened up our front door and was cursing at our neighbors and I chose to just sit in my room and ignore it because I didn't know what to do, but maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe if I'd just gone in and talked to him none of this would have happened. Maybe I was abusing him. It's a maddening circle of thoughts to get caught on. It's why I feel like I bear responsibility for everything. What if I'd tried harder? What if I was a better partner? What if I hadn't pressured him to see a psychiatrist who put him on insane amounts of Adderall? What if this? What if that? It's enough to drive you mad.

atisketatasket · Mar 17, 2018 at 10:41 PM

Yes, the silent treatment is abusive...IF it’s initiated by someone as a means of control or punishment. When it’s a defense mechanism, as it was for you, I don’t think it’s abusive at all. One of my defenses was lying, about where I’d been, or who I was talking to, etc. I don’t feel at all bad about it, though normally I try not to lie.

And yes, it is enough to drive one mad. But really it’s just a continuation of their mind games.

Lemoncake · Mar 18, 2018 at 12:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

One of the things I did towards the end is ignore him. If you read anything about abusive behavior, ignoring someone is considered abusive. In my mind, I was ignoring him because he was emotionally/verbally abusing me on an almost daily basis. But maybe my ignoring him is what caused him to set our house on fire. I most definitely was ignoring him that night. At one point he opened up our front door and was cursing at our neighbors and I chose to just sit in my room and ignore it because I didn't know what to do, but maybe that's just an excuse. Maybe if I'd just gone in and talked to him none of this would have happened. Maybe I was abusing him. It's a maddening circle of thoughts to get caught on. It's why I feel like I bear responsibility for everything. What if I'd tried harder? What if I was a better partner? What if I hadn't pressured him to see a psychiatrist who put him on insane amounts of Adderall? What if this? What if that? It's enough to drive you mad.

I will sound like Robin William's character from Good Will Hunting, but it's not your fault NP none of it is. You have to repeat that everyday until you believe it and one day you will. Abusers don't need reasons for the way they act. I grew up watching my father regularly beat my mother- anything could set him off. "She was too fat, the food wasn't nice, we were making too much noise etc". You were a better partner for suggesting he got help and you deserved to be treated with love and respect.

Sometimes it's safer to leave the situation and just emotionally detach. It was normal for us kids to walk out of room if he walked into it. You do what you have to and nobody would blame you for that because it's not easy and it takes something out of you each and every day.

WarmFuzzySocks · 01:24 AM

It is a mind game. Why take responsibility for their own feelings and actions if they can get someone else to do it for them?

“What if I had...? If only I had... I should’ve...” That’s my song, know it by heart in four-part harmony to the beat of It’s All My Fault.
No, it WAS my song. Not any more.

P.S. NP-He set the house on fire because he set the house on fire. You did not cause him to set the house on fire. He did that all on his own. You cannot make someone set things on fire by ignoring them. Really.

WarmFuzzySocks · Mar 18, 2018 at 01:03 AM

And in lighter news, I only got three hours sleep last night, took a nap, and was awakened mid-nap by my piano kid telling me he’d forgotten to tell me he had a recital. In less than an hour.

I showered, did my hair (sort of), threw on a dress and boots, and we made it one minute late.

He played beautifully.
Good thing. I couldn’t stay mad at him after listening.

LonesomeTonight · Mar 18, 2018 at 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WarmFuzzySocks

It is a mind game. Why take responsibility for their own feelings and actions if they can get someone else to do it for them?

“What if I had...? If only I had... I should’ve...” That’s my song, know it by heart in four-part harmony to the beat of It’s All My Fault.
No, it WAS my song. Not any more.

P.S. NP-He set the house on fire because he set the house on fire. You did not cause him to set the house on fire. He did that all on his own. You cannot make someone set things on fire by ignoring them. Really.

I agree completely, particularly the PS part. You did not lead him to set the house on fire. You ignored him to protect yourself. You did what you had to do to survive. You don't need to be polite to an abuser.

Mar 18, 2018 at 07:52 AM

NP, you would not blame another person who used violence to defend themselves from their partner who was beating them. You would call it self defense.

In the same way, you ignoring him was a needed self defense.

Mar 18, 2018 at 07:56 AM

Hugs if you want them Mobius

rainbow8 · Mar 18, 2018 at 08:37 AM

I wish I had something positive to say. T says thinking positive will work!! But I'm in so much pain!! Gabapentin let me sleep 8 hours Friday night but only 5 last night. It hurts to lie down now! Sitting is okay for about 10 minutes.

PT said surgery may not help because my spine is bad in too many places. I see pain Dr. tomorrow. I have to cancel trip to my family because I can't sit in bus or car. Drs. say it would set me back more.

Acupuncture was okay but I didn't like lying on my side for 15 minutes. Was afraid I'd get a cramp.

Sorry to keep posting like this. I feel like going to the hospital but for what? I stand all day except for ice pack and my leg exercises. T and my friend who had this say I will get better but it's hard to believe that. I'm not sure I can drive very far, like to appointments. Taking Advil and Tylenol all the time now.

stopdog · Mar 18, 2018 at 12:27 PM

I made corned beef three different ways yesterday to compare them. Today I had to run around handing out meaty gift bags to my friends.

awkwardlyyours · Mar 18, 2018 at 01:42 PM

I just got accepted to a shortened version of my usual meditation course over Memorial Day — only after being grilled over the phone with detailed questions about my drinking and ingesting of certain substances over the last 2 years that I’d mentioned in response to questions on the form (after of course being thanked for my honesty). (They’re loath to let you back in as an old student if you’ve done a few too many things.)

Now I feel a renewed urge..........to drink.

atisketatasket · Mar 18, 2018 at 02:06 PM

Where’s a grammar person? I think I mentioned the professor of my religion course insists on proper grammar. So far I’ve gotten dinged for using “huge” as an adjective and “s/he.” Fine, I just won’t use those again.

But does anyone know what is wrong with unbiased in this sentence? “How would I know if s/he isn’t being fair and unbiased”? With the d in unbiased highlighted as wrong.

awkwardlyyours · Mar 18, 2018 at 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Where’s a grammar person? I think I mentioned the professor of my religion course insists on proper grammar. So far I’ve gotten dinged for using “huge” as an adjective and “s/he.” Fine, I just won’t use those again.

But does anyone know what is wrong with unbiased in this sentence? “How would I know if s/he isn’t being fair and unbiased”? With the d in unbiased highlighted as wrong.

Just the d? That’s odd. Also, what’s her preference in place of s/he? I’m genuinely curious — I’ve twisted myself into a pretzel when I had to write blurbs for programs I was organizing, featuring folks who preferred to call themselves ze / hir / they etc. I’m all for gender neutral pronouns but it makes my head explode grammar-wise.

As for unbiased, the only thing I could vaguely think of is if she prefers that it be used for opinions / stances / thinking and not people? Conversely, to say that someone has certain biases but not that they are biased / unbiased? I can’t come up with a good reason for such a preference but that’s the only thing that occurred to me.

unaluna · Mar 18, 2018 at 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Where’s a grammar person? I think I mentioned the professor of my religion course insists on proper grammar. So far I’ve gotten dinged for using “huge” as an adjective and “s/he.” Fine, I just won’t use those again.

But does anyone know what is wrong with unbiased in this sentence? “How would I know if s/he isn’t being fair and unbiased”? With the d in unbiased highlighted as wrong.

I would say that statement is awkward and needs recrafting. Partly because fair and unbiased is clicheed now? And the "isnt" means, i think, you want to know if said person IS being unfair OR biased. Thats coming from computer logic - what exactly does it take to satisfy your question? So... please rephrase your question.

And maybe she just didnt like huge cuz its a trumpism. Bigly!

unaluna · Mar 18, 2018 at 02:53 PM

Quote:

I made corned beef three different ways yesterday to compare them. Today I had to run around handing out meaty gift bags to my friends.

Thats what he said.

atisketatasket · Mar 18, 2018 at 03:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

I would say that statement is awkward and needs recrafting. Partly because fair and unbiased is clicheed now? And the "isnt" means, i think, you want to know if said person IS being unfair OR biased. Thats coming from computer logic - what exactly does it take to satisfy your question? So... please rephrase your question.

And maybe she just didnt like huge cuz its a trumpism. Bigly!

Yeah, it’s not the most beautiful sentence I’ve ever written, but she’s perfectly capable of highlighting whole words and clauses, so there’s clearly something wrong with the d.

unaluna · Mar 18, 2018 at 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Yeah, it’s not the most beautiful sentence I’ve ever written, but she’s perfectly capable of highlighting whole words and clauses, so there’s clearly something wrong with the d.

What is the editing mark she used? A simple delete? Exactly like all the others? Check your proofreaders manual.

atisketatasket · Mar 18, 2018 at 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

What is the editing mark she used? A simple delete? Exactly like all the others? Check your proofreaders manual.

She just highlights something that’s off. We’re using an online discussion board that is relatively limited in terms of available markings.

stopdog · Mar 18, 2018 at 03:12 PM

Could you just ask the professor? I mean "fair and unbiase" would not work either - so perhaps it was not meant to just be the d that was the problem.

unaluna · Mar 18, 2018 at 03:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

She just highlights something that’s off. We’re using an online discussion board that is relatively limited in terms of available markings.

Then i think she doesnt like the whole sentence. I have problems hiliting A LOT like on my stupid kindle. Did you right click on it? No notes?

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Couch 164: Pink Moon

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Anonymous45127 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 18, 2018 at 07:52 AM #227 NP, you would not blame another person who used violence to defend themselves from their partner who was beating them. You would call it self defense. In the same way, you ignoring him was a needed self defense.

Anonymous45127 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 18, 2018 at 07:56 AM #228 Hugs if you want them Mobius